Saturday, June 18, 2005

Emotions June 13th, 2005

Emotions are a double-edged sword. They can help you experience joy and then when you least expect it you're down in the dumps again suffereing pain from your exposed wounds. Anyway, I'm starting to get sick of it. I'm tired of always experiencing pain. There have been many times where I've opened up to someone and end up regretting it. The most recent is probably the incident with -----. I regret letting her know that I love her and I feel that I don't want to talk to her anymore, but at the same time i want to talk to her and see her pretty face again. *sigh* There's my emotions screwing with me again. I wonder why I'm so negative. I'm hardly ever positive about myself unless I'm wearing my mask around my friends. Perhaps it's the way my life has been. As a child I was always picked on, hardly had any "good" friends, my father would leave my mother and I. One time he abandoned me as a child. He just left me alone in the house by myself after saying he was going to buy cigarettes. In reality he left to Iowa back to his family. My father is also a schizophrenic. During the summer of 2003, my mother and I went to pick up my father so we could buy shoes for the upcoming school year. As soon as I woke him up I felt that he wasn't acting normally especially when I looked in his eys; little had I known that he was not taking his medication. During the car trip he was acting strange and talking nonsense. When we pulled up back to the house my father started threatening to kill my mother. I quickly called 911 for the police and my father tried to grab me. My mother and I quickly got out of the car and were in front of my grandparent's house (my father lived in a small room in the backyard and my grandparents were out of town). Hours went on of endless threats from my father and the police not showing up. The only reason that he didn't harm my mother was because I threw myself between them. If need be, I was willing to fight my father. Well, after countless hours which seemed an eternity, the police arrested my father. Since he was resisting, I had to help put him in the car. When I finally returned home, I cryed. I couldn't stop myself from crying for hours. I despise crying, it's a sign of weakness. As a child I always had a true smile on my face, now the smile's gone. Many times throughout my life I have considered comitting suicide; come to think of it, I still do about once a month if not more. One time I even slashed my own wrist. I wouldn't be surprised if I do it again. I don't care if suicide is a sin and that my soul will be condemned in hell for all eternity. Who knows if that's even true. But I'll find out someday in death. I believe that there shall be no mourning in my death. The world can do fine, if not better, without me. Another incident was with a co-worker whose name shall not be mentioned. After getting to know her a bit more I somewhat took a minor liking to her. She once told me that I was "a sweet person," no one, let alone a girl, has ever told me that before. I told her that I'm not, instead I'm really a cold, distant, selfish, and hurtful person. She just said, "I don't think so. You're really sweet." Those words were what did it. After that I opened myself up to her more often and would talk to her whenever I had the opportunity. Well later on she quit and I discovered that she had a boyfriend with another co-worker who is now one of my supervisors. After that, every time I saw her I would only reply to her with my cold eyes and cold monotone voice. I practically ignored her afterwards. I've noticed that everytime I open myself up to someone I end up not talking to them anymore. I worry about this with -----, and with every other person I know. But it I don't open myself to people then I won't have any friends; however, if I do then I'll end up not talking to them. So what's the point? I end up being lonely on both sides of the same coin. A lose-lose situation. Should I accept my fate as a loner? I wish to make an oath that I will never love again, but I don't know if I can fulfill that oath. If I don't love, then that means I wouldn't care. If I don't care, then how will I be able to help my friends. What would happen if ----- needs more help and I don't love her anymore? However, if I cease to love I won't experience as much pain. What sacrifice should I make? Should I revert back to the cold person that I am and remove my mask?

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