Friday, October 22, 2004

*smashes things and cries*
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Monday, October 18, 2004

Well, that was sure depressing. But I hope it was a little inspiring, too... No matter how ugly it is, we have to look at the things around us and open ourselves to reality, because it's not all a joke; it's really out there.

Yeah. So. I got some Terry Pratchett Discworld books. I'm about a third through the first one. I think. Maybe half now. I don't know.

School is hard, but what you have to do is just keep going, and treat every day like a new day, a new beginning. It will fill you with confidence, hopefully. If that doesn't work, just load yourself on coffee every morning. School is a lot like life, but only metaphorically. How strange.

Ooooohhhh, yes, I also got--*drumroll*--YAMI NO MATSUEI!!! The first volume. Yumm, yaoitic fun is on its way (well, in a few volumes maybe).
And is it just me, or is Pratchett really good at giving the fangirls lots of material? I mean...
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Sunday, October 17, 2004

We live in a sick world.
We inhabit a planet where people inject deadly hallucinogens into their bodies and force animals to rip each other apart, for fun. Where someone can come up with the idea of brutally killing partially-born babies, and put it into practice. Where parents put their children on the brink of death because of their own problems. Where love is a business and a sport. Where some people don't have enough to eat, and those who do accuse the starving of being lazy. Where the crueler you can be to other people, the "cooler" you are.

Why can't we put a stop to this? Because not enough people care.
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Thursday, October 14, 2004

   Rant all you like, I don't think spiders should be in our homes. There seems to be a small infestation of sorts in our area, with the chunky round ones (with the pointy, angly legs) and the chunky flat ones (with the rounded-off legs). Both of them freaking huge. And the flat ones JUMP like nobody's business. Now I'm going to be paranoid that I'll be attacked by little flat jumping spiders...

Well, I'm ready for Christmas break. It's freaky, to look at the date and realize that the year is almost a quarter over. It's felt like nothing. I hope the rest of the year passes this easily, so I will soon be a sophomore and not a freshman. Unfortunately, that means all my junior friends will be a year closer to leaving me. *sob*

I'm hungry, but a spider just hopped around by the box of ramen, so I'm going to have to starve. I'm such a wimp, I know. But they're so big... *tears of fright*
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Monday, October 11, 2004

I hate ghost stories and stuff like that. They make me feel hunted. I forget what's real and what's not, so I'm open to any kind of terror. *shiver* I'll kill the person who thought being scared was fun.

So yeah, I'm alive. I'm also bored. I'm working on a drawing that I plan on using screentone on if I get some. Right now I'm inking it. Fun. It's nothing incredible, but I like it and think it should get something special.

I'm lonely. *sniffle* Nick won't get off his away message.
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Monday, October 4, 2004

Revised Lyrics--The Law of Perfect Prey
What "The Law of Perfect Pride" sounds like


Hey, whatcha lookin’ at? Your prawny face
Let’s have Patty Time!
Jumpin’ popularity, squeal like a key
Oh, we’ll be feeling fine
Welcome to mauve, you will be star
Anything that you—what?—we can do
Feel like a kid, walk like a priestess
We will kick you all the way to Neville Land
Life is Willy's shorts, time waits for no mare
Breathe a chain, just take a chance
Baby, walkin’ in the craw[fish] fire
Shake it, shake it like you’re whiny and free
You’ll feel so Aleve*
Make it, take it like you’re buying the place
You’re the only woman
The law of perfect prey

Fall down and laugh, what she just said
When alone we juggle like you’ll never know
Talk like a ewe, feel like a pirate
But never, ever, ever list your physician
Love can major hurt, but love can get you hurt
So wake up soon, and get a pony
The cook in shadows make you wanna hurl
Shake it, shake it like you made your beak
Make you feel so fine
Make it, take it like it’s barely a scrape
You were always light
The law of poppin’ prey

The worm has many fleas, and my cat’s out of sight
(Miss!) You’re the man, just get to the soup
Always travel with a piece of cake!
Shake it, shake it like a nasty boy**
It makes your feet so pink
Make it, take it like you stubbed your toe
You just go away
Shake it, shake it like you’re whiny and free
You’ll feel so array
Make it, take it like you’re pawing a piece
You’re the only woman
The law of perfect prey

*This is a brand of pain medication.
**Yes, this is in the original, too. Go look if you don't believe me.


I don't usually like to make fun of heavy Japanese accents, but when listening to this song (from L/R--Licensed By Royal), I thought I heard the line, "Always travel with a piece of cake!" And so I did the same thing to the whole song. If you listen to it alongside these lyrics, you can see what I'm getting at. I had to improvise a little in places where a real word didn't really fit, and there are some odd places where it's rough, but I'm happy. I actually sat still long enough to do this.

So yes, I am back from Williamsburg. I had some excellent Japanese food while I was there. I also got a Katsucon flyer, so I'm thinkin'...
I missed my computer so much while I was at the hotel. No email, no posting, no AIM, no searches... But I think it was good for me to get away and just scare myself silly instead.
Williamsburg--Official Town of Pancakes
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Friday, October 1, 2004

   I LOVE the new theOtaku. Just thought I should mention it.

I'm going on vacation over the weekend because I have 3 days off. So I won't post tomorrow night, or the next, but maybe I'll say something on Monday after I get back. We're going to Williamsburg, so we can shop and go to Busch Gardens and go horseback-riding... It'll be great, and I really do need the chance to relax. So, until Monday, seeya.
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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

"but at the same time i wish there was something i wanted as much as he wanted to fry himself"
-archy

About a month ago I wrote an entry in my journal about how afraid I felt. And I was afraid then. I was afraid of everything--of death, of pain, of failure, of loneliness. I upped my Lexapro dosage. The feeling backed off for a while. Now I feel that way again.
I am deathly afraid. Only now I'm not afraid of the possible fall ahead. Now I am afraid of the fall I am experienceing now.
I snapped at someone today in a way I haven't since 7th grade. I felt ashamed after making a simple mistake in Latin class. I felt so shy, but so angry. I'm building up the old, old anger from years ago again, and I don't care whether it stops or not. Because with the anger comes severe apathy. I could care less what happens because of my screw-ups in regard to other people or the future. Now I care about the temporary highs and lows. Mostly lows.

So I huddled up in my mom's office on the bed and rubbed my arm where the scars used to be. They faded so fast, it doesn't seem right. Why can those painless outer marks disappear long before the heart-wrenching inner ones? The unmarred skin is laughing at me, as it healed so fast while I'm stil blindly hobbling about.

And now, unfortunately, the annoying depression blathering comes into it again. You don't have to put up with it. My apathy says do whatever you want. I don't really care. But I also don't care if this stops or not, so help right now seems a useless prospect. Advice will fall on deafened ears. And while I am afraid, all I want is to kill that fear. Scratch it out, slice it out, like it's some kind of physical part of me. But I won't. I'll just sit here in the silent darkness and be unfeeling. I would make a good Daoist.
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I miss back when
A ho was a hoe
Coke was a coke
Crack was what you were doing
When you were cracking jokes
When a screw was a screw
The wind was all that blew
And when you said 'I'm down with that'
It meant you had the flu
I miss back when"



Club fair today. I went down to the anime club table and hung out there. 'Twas very fun. ^_^ Then I joined the academic team. People made me do it. I'm officially screwed over now, because I don't think well under pressure. XO

I'm going to reinstall the original Sims on my computer and add in the expansions Lisa has, namely HOT DATE, if just so I can use coffee tables. I love the Sims 2 dearly, but it takes so long to build houses now. Too mahy options, so it's harder to decide things. Once I get an idea of what I have to work with, though, it should be easier.

I need to work on my fic. I've started working on the first chapter, but it's just so hard. I have a humongous writer's block that mainly says 'UNINTERESTED'. I'm busy trying to stay on top of everything, because I've never really been good at that (heh?). I'd like a job though. A job at Suncoast. I'm only 14, but I know so much about that place from hanging around there practically every other week. And I'm good at selling stuff, and figuring out change. I mean, maybe I'm not a prize employee, but I'd be cheerful. Oh well. We'll see.

I'm taking a vacation this weekend with my parents in Williamsburg. So I will not be here. I will be at Busch Gardens laughing my way through the Big Bad Wolf coaster over and over again. It's fun. Apollo's Chariot is too, but it's also scary as hell. 140 foot hill to start you off. It's very scary to be horizontal and looking around at the whole city. And then you tip slowly forward and rush down and... *shiver* Never again.
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Monday, September 27, 2004

   I'm not happy wondering
I need some temporary seclusion, so that when I come back I will once again be able to appreciate the human race. Right now I just don't understand it, and it makes my head hurt trying to think about it. That's why I like the Sims. People, but not people.

I've got a bunch of mysterious scratches on me, on my hands and legs. It could be the yard work I did yesterday, but I wore long, thick jeans and latex gloves that I would have noticed a rip in. So I'm just puzzled.

And life is too complicated. I feel so simple, like an amoeba, while eveything around me rushes around at the speed of light with the precise intelligence and complexity of a military supercomputer. I don't really comprehend just how crazy everything is, but I know I'm missing something. I keep banging on the glass, but no one looks up. And yet my mind gets odder and odder and my body less easy to control every day. I do crazy, weird things and barely remember them, much less deciding to do them. Like I'm constantly going into drunk stupors and coming out of them clueless. And while I try to explain things in my own terms, I wonder if anyone else even understands these tetms, even sees them. They might not. I could be all alone, shut off from everyone, and trapped in an illusion. Like the Matrix. Only less cheesy. Everything is so foggy it's like a mixed-up, prolonged dream, set up in a neverending loop full of dejavu and blank-mindedness.

Now I'm confusing myself. What is left to understand anymore?
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