Sunday, December 28, 2003

I got the final installment of Christmas presents yesterday. Best present was a set of NeoPiko markers, they're really nice. ^_^

Anyway, I figure I oughtta talk about me as a person rather than me as someone going through events more often, but I'm not sure what to say. Umm, I'm a perfectionist at heart, which is probably my greatest weakness, seeing as it makes me nervous to say anything in public or do things I don't think I'm good at. I guess I push myself too hard a lot, and that's where my stress comes from. I always think I'm dreaming of running away from other people's judgment, but really I need to get away from my own, be more relaxed. I used to think of myself as an optimist, but I'm more prone to think that things will get better, not that they're any good right now. I'm a daydreamer through and through, which sometimes is what makes me "mess things up" when I confuse the "rules" of the real world with the ones I make up. I suppose there's also sometimes some cofusion over what I'm feeling--is it really what I'm feeling or is it what the made-up me would feel in her world? In any case, I live a double life, and just as imaginings cross into reality, reality crosses into imaginings and is romanticized quite a bit. Meaning I overreact a lot when things happen.

And I think that's enough for today. For all I know you already figured this stuff out, but I figured I might as well get it out of the way before New Year's. Oh yeah, 479 visits as of right now, I'm ranked #101, an astonishing feat when you think about just how many accounts there are. Thanks for making it happen. ^_^ Jaa!
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Friday, December 26, 2003

   Merry Christmas, good people!
Wheehay! What a great holiday it's been. Good food, good presents, good reactions from people when they got their presents, a good movie, good people, and plain old good times.
Presents! Big-ticket items this year:
-graphic tablet
-futon with bedding
-silk robe from Japan
-neato clothes including a hot pink net top and silvery oriental shirt
-real spiked dog collar with tags ^_^ and a gothic-looking watch
And, well, my material dream come true. I recall it was one of my goals a long while ago, to have this item. Black. Leather. Trenchcoat. You people probably don't understand how important this is to me, but I've wanted one so badly for so long, and I just never thought we could afford it... But I got it. I need a room.
Ah yes, saw RotK for the second time. Here is how Tory watches movies: 1st viewing-Look for visual and some audio value. 2nd viewing-Look for emotional and more audio value, greater attention to details. 3rd viewing-Start asking questions, like why or what if. 4th viewing and beyond-Various reasons, mostly for fun or to torture myself with the really poignant or tragic moments.
I'm so in love with the song Pippin sang. I must learn it. I'll never be able to sing it; I'm not nearly that good and I can't do the little wavery thing. But I'd still like to know it. I'm also in love with the line, "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you." It's inspiring and beautiful... I love the friendship bond between Frodo and Sam. It's just SO amazing.
And there are the major events of my holiday. Feel free to share yours, or just read and leave. Whatever. Jaa ne, and happy holidays!
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Wednesday, December 24, 2003

So sorry about yesterday, our internet was acting up once again. Anyway, what was so special about yesterday? Yes, people, it was Malik's birthday! Everyone say, "Happy belated birthday, Malik!"
And today is Christmas eve, and tomorrow will be Christmas day. Whee! Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy holidays, whatever you may celebrate! And if you don't celebrate anything, enjoy this time of year anyway. I probably won't be back here for a few days because of family things and traveling and special meals and all that good stuff, so I'll see you whenever. Jaa ne! *skips off squealing something about Aya's belly button*
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Monday, December 22, 2003

Yay!
Distractions are great. Today is my first real day of the Christmas holidays. My mom rented some DVD's (Cowboy Bebop movie again, and the Matrix) and hopefully Lisa can come over to watch one with me.
Last night I felt like shit. Literally. Not that I was, but I did feel like it. My parents were arguing with each other and me and my dad was in a foul mood all day because he's missed all his blocking rehearsals for the Magic Flute, even though he showed up, because no one was there. Then I got started crying and ended up locking myself in the bathroom with the light out so no one would bug me. Being sad, my thoughts turned to Gerry, and then everything just felt a million times worse. Some Taco Bell and an MST ("Eegah", I believe) made it a little better. Like i said, distractions are great.
Oh yes, special day tomorrow! You'll find out when it actually comes. ^_^
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Saturday, December 20, 2003

Wow. Just wow. The Return of the King is the most overpowering movie I have ever seen in my life, folks. Closely followed by Metropolis, but I don't even know why that movie affected me so deeply. Spirited Away is still my fave. But that's all far beside the point.
I could gush about the movie for paragraphs and paragraphs, but I won't because of the whole spoiler issue. Just a few small comments. Pippin sings in this movie. And I must say he has the most gorgeous voice I've heard from a guy. Simply amazing. Being a music junkie, this means a lot to me. ^_~ And then there was this one scene towards the end where Legolas just looked so hot I actually broke out in a sweat. And we can't forget how cool all the horses were, or how sad it was when some of'em got squished. ;___; Lossa touchy-feely dudes, too, totally awesome. I was ready for Sam and Frodo to make out any minute, but no... Not a good movie for hentais, because it's so easy to take things the wrong way. Small warning: If you really don't like spiders, don't see this movie. I didn't see HP 2 for that reason (though I hate the HP movies anyway and plan on seeing the 3rd one only because it's got Sirius ;_;).

No, I'm not going to comment at all on Gerry's email (see Aleia's site). I'd rather just forget the whole incident, because if I dwell on it too long I'm going to become totally miserable.
Jaa ne.
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Thursday, December 18, 2003

Just got back from my first therapy session with "Deborah", whose last name I cannot remember. It was hard. I couldn't really talk at all. I felt pretty stupid, but whenever I started to form an idea in my head it wouldn't come out of my mouth. I think I can only express very well through my writing. It's so much easier for me to tell people things in writing than in talking.
I also quit speech team today. I just don't think I can do it. I've gone way introvert since... sometime I can't remember (I just can't remember stuff anymore). So it's even harder to post now. ;_; I used to love posting, but now it feels weird. I hate that. Haven't talked to Nick in too long, must stay up late tomorrow night to talk to him. Next therapy session is on Saturday for 45 minutes, and I can bring something to do, like a card game (*cough, cough*) or whatever. Then she's going on vacation ntil Jan. 5, but I thought she said July and I was like, "Whoah, okay, long vacation there." I figure if I could last that long without any help then there wouldn't be too much of a problem.
I somehow didn't cry during it. It was amazing. I managed to hold it in. Just a few chin twitches (my chin starts twitching when I'm trying not to cry, very weird-feeling) and that's it. I may be coming along already. I hope Saturday will go well... Plus after that I'll be going to see Return of the King with a large group of people (including Lisa, Ashley, James, and Brandon) and it's gonna be all cool and stuff. Tag day tomorrow, I plan to wear something fairly gothic in style. Gotta go out with a bang, y'know? Black tank top with a jacket because of my scars >_< and my awesome boots that I love so very much. Black eyeliner and shadow, and if I had black lipstick I'd be wearing that too, but my mom just says "Ew!" whenever I bring it up, so I don't. Maybe a little kanji sign in henna--the one for "death" (shi) is really easy. Bwahahaha.
Talked more to Greg today! I'm so happy! He's so nice. He's definitely on my friend list (not literally, sorry). Nick (baka-Nick, not koibito-Nick) made him accidentally smash his new, $150 or more Palm Pilot with color and MP3 player. Now there's a big ol' dent in the back and the screen is half black/green/orange/red/yellow-streaky and doesn't work. Ironically, it still functions and you can see the other half of the screen just fine. Nick is paying for a new one for Greg though. Serves him right.
Jaa!
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My dad yelled at me AGAIN this morning. About falling back asleep after he woke me up. He says I was sitting up and talking to him, but I don't remember that at all. He was really mad, screaming and banging doors. I hate how he makes a big deal out of every miniscule annoyance. And I'm still not using my alarm clock. Not until he learns how to ask nicely again.
I really really wish I couldn't hear my parents talking in the next room over. Damn you window, damn you to hell! It's sort of embarrassing. My mom's basically fighting my fight for me. I don't know if I mind or not, but I wish I wasn't hearing it.
And it's really hard not to cut when I feel like this. It's like a big itch. But usually I can stop it. Yesterday I stopped before it even started looking like a cut. I felt better doing it right before Confession so that it would go away right away. Oh yeah, the therapy thing yesterday with the school social worker. It was interesting. We focused mainly on now little sleep I was getting and what I could do to stop that. Didn't make me any less tired in the morning, apparently. Best thing about it was that I got to get out of lit. class. ^_^U
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Rough stuff. I was going to post on Tuesday but I accidentally deleted it when I was almost done and didn't feel up to re-typing it. So... jaa ne.
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Monday, December 15, 2003

Well, aside from this sign that Gerry didn't die or cease existing or something terrible like that, today was very sad.
First, I had forgotten to talk to my mom about Lisa's grandma's funeral, so I had to get permission from the teachers. Pretty much everyone knows that Lisa and I are best friends and practically inseparable, and just because I don't have a signature from my mom (she was busy writing me up a sick note this morning anyway for the two days I missed school), I still felt like I needed to go. So I snuck out with the altar servers. Bwaha.
Then there was the funeral Mass itself. I cried more than Lisa did. It was one of those things where you really want to cry but you just can't seem to for her. I cry so easily these days I was getting weepy just watching other people cry. Then we went back to school to get our books and we got our school pictures today. I need to airbrush the zit out or something, it's really annoying. It would look pretty good if it wasn't for that... Damn you, oil.
Then it was off to the reception, where the kids had to hole up downstairs. Good food, funny people. I got to see the inside of Brandon's/James's/Jesse's house. Brandon was inside and he does these amazing drawings. I am in envy of him. Then I went home and then I got really tired all of a sudden and so I took a nap. Then I got up, did my homework, and now I'm here.
I felt really bad when I got home though. All drained. Like I couldn't take anything anymore. I'm hanging on in school by a thread, and it's getting thinner and thinner every day. Damn you, stress. *kicks stress* I never liked you!
I did get a couple of lollipops from my secret Santa oerson today. I feel bad because I was busy helping to put together baggies for Christmas Mass so I couldn't leave anything on her desk.
So yes. Sadness. Not depression, just sadness. I hope Lisa will be fine.
(Enjoy the new layout! And thank Gerry! He's the coolest, ne?)
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Merry Christmas
Gerry here. the New layout is here. Um.. any questions feel free to e-mail me. If you hate this layout or just hate me I'll take it out asap

Oh, if there are any visuall problems e-mail me too

fartmaster_745@yahoo.com
ttyl ^_^
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   Jokes! Wow, here's a change for me
Ok, today I've got a couple of jokes for you. I was going to post them yesterday but I ended up taking a bath and eating nachos and reading tons of manga until the wee hours of the morn instead.

This is from a Wendy's radio commercial. I love the way ads are always funnier around Christmas. Anyway, the guy calling in is up late or something and... I forget. I only remember the punchline. >_<
Man: But we can't take the car, the power's out.
Callee: Lucky for you, car's run on gas.
Man: Oh. Right.

Here's a better, more original one.

It's a computer help service, y'know, that you call if your comp's not working right and you don't know how to fix it. The person calling in says (s)he can't get the computer to turn on. The tech goes through the basic steps and starts by asking, "Well, is it plugged in?" There's a looooong pause. Waiting, waiting... Then the caller comes back and says, "Sorry it took so long, I had to find a flashlight 'cuz the power's out."

As you can see, they are related. I thought they were funny because our power's out so often, and I miss my computer so much I would probably try to turn it on too. I ove this machine, however much I say I hate it. Off to school now, I suppose. Jaa.
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