Sunday, December 14, 2003

*sigh* Well, looks like it's back to my old layout. I'd ask Gerry what's up, but he seems to have stopped responding to IM's anymore. I'm going to need a new beta-reader for sure. At least now you can see my lovely picture whenever you visit. ^_^

Not much news. Life is pretty much back to normal, except that now when I make the "Knives are always good" joke, my parents don't laugh much. And they don't like leaving me home alone too much anymore, despite how much I would like to sleep. I'm now a guest blogger at my dad's blog, and I hope that will help him get a few more readers.

Also on the subject of blogs, an article on what to do if your mom finds your blog.

It snowed last night. Icy snow. It looks cold out. Glad I'm not there.

I actually managed to finish all my homework for Monday, except my science because Lisa couldn't get a worksheet for me and English because I don't have my book. Lisa's going to the memorial service or funeral or whichever for her grandmother on Monday (yes, she died recently; that's what got me so sad), so she won't be at school. Also on Monday, my mom will call to arrange a counseling appointment for me. Fun fun fun. Can't wait.

The biggest thing right now is that I miss people. Nice people. At the mall last night there were so many people I couldn't get across the hall into Claire's without getting trampled. I miss DES. I miss Gerry. I miss Nick. I miss kind, not-always-worrying-about-how-your-arm-looks-now, fun and interesting human beings. My parents are as good as asleep right now--my mom is, and my dad's holed up in his office with a record on. Nothing's ever on TV on Sundays until late afternoon. I'm just in general BORED. *wimpers into keyboard* I could always write or draw or something, but I feel like I've been doing that all month. I wanna go over to Lisa's... I'll call her. Jaa ne.
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Saturday, December 13, 2003

   BWAHAHAHA!
*dances around clutching Gravitation vol. 3 to her chest* I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT! It's good too, very very funny. ^______^

Oh yeah, and my mom found out about the cutting thing and she's going to arrange some counseling for me. I actually feel much better now, though it scared me when she found out. Dumb mistake; I was dueling exo via IM and had my sleeves rolled up so I wouldn't knock over my deck, and then my mom popped in and saw my arm all scratched up. Turns out depression runs in the family from my mom's side; she has to take pills for it every day (I never knew! jeez!) and around the time I was born she was contemplating suicide. My poor mommy! T___T

But hell, I GOT GRAVITATION VOL. 3! There's no ruining this good mood now! Not even the fact that almost everyone online ignored me today for unknown reasons or comp problems or whatever, so I ended up quite paranoid.

Slowly recovering from my illness. The worst part will be catching up on all this homework, or possibly trying to make my sentences make sense. XP
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Friday, December 12, 2003

*gasp*
I think my life has suddenly lost all sense of order. I did a search on Adam Blaustein (voice actor I crooned over until I found this out), and discovered he does NOT provide the voice of Joey Wheeler. Wherever I got the idea that he did, it must've been a mistake. I was right though. Wayne Grayson apparently provides Joey's voice, as well as Shadi's from Yugioh and Harrison's and Lance's from Pokemon. I was right about the same actor doing those voices.
Also on the voice actor note: A fellow by the name of John Burgmeier is both Kurama from Yu Yu and Shigure from Fruits Basket, as my mother suspected. It's really interesting to find all these common voice actors in all the shows you watch. I find trying to match one voice with another very entertaining. Then again, I also find collecting as many Sesshoumaru pics as possible (I'm up to over 160 by now) entertaining as well, and organizing all my lyric print-outs for the many many anime songs I listen to (and sing along with, because I just have fun doing that). I am staying up far too late once again (2:23 right now) because I didn't feel a bit better today and it's only a half-day tomorrow, I believe. Also I didn't get my science homework for various reasons. So I'll toddle off to my giant green armchair to watch more mindless television and draw until the not-so-small hours of the mornng now. Jaa ne!
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Thursday, December 11, 2003

At the risk of sounding cliched, life sucks
I have fallen ill. Since about 6 o'clock (yesterday... wow, yesterday already?) I've been completely under the weather. When it first hit I felt dizzy, my stomach hurt, and I had a headache, so I took some meds and crashed. I eventually managed to get up later for dinner, then after maybe half an hour holed up in my room and played Dragon Warrior Monsters for several hours. Then, finding I couldn't sleep at all because of the burning pain in my sinuses, I got up and decided to watch some Weiss Kreuz over a cup of hot chocolate.
No school for me tomorrow, even if I got enough sleep. I considered trying to get to sleep with this relaxation CD I borrowed from Jane, but it's hard to get to sleep by focusing on your breathing when breathing just hurts. I feel very ucky.
There were things I was going to mention, but... I forgot. Oh well. Sick girl must go now to stay up later and get sicker. Jaa ne, sane people.
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Sunday, December 7, 2003

   Warning: Angry rant
I will tell you quite frankly, I am sick of hearing people say, "What if they're just trying to get attention?" You know what I mean, about people talking about their problems. I, personally, am not telling people about them for attention, and they didn't start because I wanted attention either. There is a difference between seeking attention and seeking help and support. I try to be as sincere as possible about my feelings, and at least one person has brushed them off and told me to stop whining. The same person also told me I should get some help or talk to a doctor. Isn't that kind of a contradiction? All I want is a little guidance, and people think I'm a whiny brat! I can't DO this on my own, I can't just suddenly wake up one morning and say, "I'm tired of being sad so I'll just be not-sad." I'm not like this because I chose to be! And I can't be something else because I choose to be! I cannot change my emotions whenever I feel like it, whatever you people may be able to do. Emotions just happen. They're like weather, they change according to specific causes, not just what we want them to be. I want to be happy, I really do, but I can't just BE happy. I need help. People have even told me this. I should talk to my parents, I should talk to a priest, I should talk to a guidance counselor or a therapist. But if I should talk to them about this, can't I talk to you, too? What's the difference? If the person who told me to stop just vying for attention was really my friend, maybe they would have listened and tried to be helpful. Apparently that's too much trouble for them. At least I try to be helpful, even when I fail miserably. At least I made an effort. But when you doubt your friend is really feeling the was they do, no matter how honest they try to be, are you really being a good friend?
Answer that yourself. I just gave you the background for the question. If you don't like what you see, you don't have to agree with me. We are each entitled to our own opinions. I just needed to get these feelings out before I killed something.
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No more secrets
*sigh* I guess it's about time I fessed up. About my life problems and such. On Tuesday I cut again, and then again on Wednesday, really badly. I now have a total of 10 cuts and 3 scars. Amazing what one goddamned staple can do.

I didn't want to mention it because I didn't want you to be disappointed, but now I just feel guilty for not letting you know. I'm just a weak person (despite what anyone else believes, this is what I feel), and I don't want you fretting over me when I don't know if it's going to help anymore. Yes, I'm feeling very lost at the moment. I've felt like this for a while.

I should probably tell someone, true, but I freeze up just thinking about it. I'm starting to turn inward a lot these days, and I just can't be open to anyone about this. Besides, saying it out loud will make it too real. Maybe I can stop if I convince myself I didn't really do it and I'm just the same old happy person I used to be. Not likely, but almost worth a try.

Another bad thing happened today. I don't want to post it if Lisa wouldn't want me to though, seeing as it concerns her very much. So I'll try and deal with it on my own for now. We'll see.
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Saturday, December 6, 2003

We wnet to Petsmart today, and they had these really awesome-looking spiked dog collars. I was looking at them maybe for Czar, and then Jane (that's what I've always called my mom) says, "You want one? Do you think 16" will be the right size?" and holds up one of the collars to my neck. I didn't let her get me one (even though I really did want it), because I might get funnier looks than normal. But she says she'll get me one in my Christmas stocking this year. ^_^
Also, while we were talking about Christmas presents, Jane was listing all the things people could get her. She cooks a lot, and said things like a new wok, things like that. Then she said, "Knives are always good." I just thought that was so funny! The rest of the shopping trip, whenever we spotted some kitchen knives, she would say it, "Knives are always good." Yeah. That's been my day. My SAT thing at John Hopkins was cancelled because of the wonderful snow. It's so amazingly pretty out right now! The snow sticks to everything, so there's just so much white everywhere... Question of the day: Which do you prefer? Classical Christmas music (the old old old ones, like "Oh Sanctissima" and "Joy to the World"), classic Christmas music ("Chestnuts Roasting etc.", "Rudolph etc."), or new Christmas music (anything that came out just in the past few years)? Just wondering. I like the old stuff the best, I think it preserves the "real meaning of Christmas" very well.
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Friday, December 5, 2003

I think I should give a brief explanation as to why I wasn't online last night and so forth. Well, first my network connection got terribly messed up. My computer stopped recognizing the network hardware at all, and completely randomly. Then this morning the power went out because a branch fell on the power lines just across the street (what a way to wake up, a big booming noise and a flash of light). And for the last few minutes I've been struggling to get my computer to connect to the internet. So as you can see my computer is possessed by some kind of higher demon, and I've been cursed to never speak to anyone again. Here's hoping that gets permanently fixed soon.
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Thursday, December 4, 2003

Don't worry, I'm still alive
Gomen, it has certainly been a long time (for me anyway). I've just been having a rought time. And no, I'm not going to tell you what with or why. I don't feel like telling you about my problems for once.
Today we went on a field trip to see a show, "The Gifts of the Magi", at Olney Theater. It was good for a musical. It combined the two O. Henry stories, "The Gifts of the Magi" and "The Cop and the Anthem". Very interesting blend. One story was emotional and touching, the other was funny and odd. The only problem: we had to fill all the seats because it was a full house, but some of the seats were situated so that you couldn't see at least a third of the stage. They were so far over that the actors would be hidden from view if they went too close to the side of the stage. I only really got to see half of the performance from where I sat.
Also, in P.E. today I messed up my knee in an interesting manner. I was running and my foot got sort of jammed into the ground and my knee bent almost backwards for a moment. I fell in pain (I got floorburn from that >_<) and sat there making gasping noises until the teacher noticed me. It hurt so much... T_T I got to sit out the rest P.E. with an ice pack and my knee was fine until I got home from school. Now it cracks a lot and hurts if I stand on it straight, so I took some pain medicine that should help.
That was my semi-interesting day. I may or may not post again for another long period of time. It depends on whether these issues clear up or not, but I'll try to post anything really important. Jaa.
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Tuesday, December 2, 2003

An Aftertought:
Just realized something. The two "cons" for the sci-fi/fantasy writing contests I've entered have both been in areas where I have online friends. First time it was California (ConJose'), and we all know who lives there (*coughNICKcough* oof, terrible cold I've got), and this time it was in Canada... somwhere. I think it was Toronto. Torcon. Needless to say, we didn't attend either, seeing as we're not really a traveling family. I've never been off the East Coast, I don't believe. T_T
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