Tuesday, October 28, 2003

   Tory's been thinking again, this can't be good
In art we've started talking about our self-portraits, and somehw it's started me thinking about how I used to be. I look back on my life and realize how much of a loser, whiner, and crybaby I was in my early years. Like a tortured artist. I remember the time I made a fuss and I ended up running around the classroom in my underwear (1st grade), and the time I wet my pants in art horizons (2nd grade?). I also remember how much I liked to make things, stories, anything. I liked to draw, I liked to make up little scenes with my toys, I liked to work with clay and modeling. I also remember how when I found something I liked, I dove headirst into it, and acted obsessed. Some of these things haven't changed; I draw and obsess over what I like (anime, Pocky, my boyfriend, things like that). I'm also still a bit emotionally unstable. I lose my temper and break down crying a lot. (I wasn't going to mention this, but I also still have that lazy streak that makes me procrastinate until the last possible moment, i.e. often lunshtime on the day it's due, etc.)
But I've grown up so much. I was totally unsocial and shy before, and now I'm not afraid to say hi and make friends. Even at the beginning of the summer I was very self-conscious and worried about what others thought of me all the time. Now, after meeting people online who are a lot like me or don't judge by weirdness, I feel so much more confident and crazy. It's like I fell into another world where I'm suddenly accepted, and meeting people like you is something I never thought could happen to me. Now I'm closer to all my friends, and I'm learning to cope with troubling emotions. It's all thanks to you, so feel proud. If there was some way to thank you, I would do it. ...Wait...
POCKY FOR EVERYONE! *whips out dozens of boxes of Pocky and tosses them everywhere*
Hey, it works for everyone else, why shouldn't I try it?
(I've been feeling very sentimental today as I have been amazingly awake enough to sort out my thoughts. In case you were wondering about the friendship stuff and all, y'know. I also think you're all past-due for a thank-you for supporting me in little ways, so don't just think I'm turning into Anzu with her rants. I promise it won't happen again.)
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v_v
Sr.'s getting on my case really badly now. I have no idea on God's green Earth how I'm going to make it though this year alive. She pries into my life, possibly inadvertantly. Today she got into me because of my Palm Pilot, which I was working on in class, trying to figure out what this one (rather large) program was when apparently we were supposed to be working on...homework. Then she looked through the book I'm reading and told me I couldn't read it because we have to read a book by one of the authors in our text for a book report. Can't I just read two books at once?! I am capable of doing this, you know! And if she's a lit, teacher, isn't she supposed to -encourage- reading? She's really starting to piss me off. I wish she would just leave me alone or get a capable person sort me out, if that's what she thinks needs doing. Go ahead, send me to the counselor, I know that's what you're thinking about.
I finally IMed Nick again last night, so now I feel worlds better. I'm also bringing up math--I was the first person to understand recursive formulas in our group. All in all, I'm doing all right in school and such, exept for Sr. and my tight home schedule. I have homework, dishes, and a shower to take care of. Funny thing is, no matter how much work I have, if I've had a crummy day I come right to the computer to work it out in a post. It's therapeutic or something, being part of this community and being able to vent it all out. And they say computer friendships don't count for anything...bakas. You all rock, every person who comes to my site and corresponds with me, every person whose life I've gotten involved in somehow. You're just as good as real friends. Domo arigatou, tomodachi, don't stop being there. I love you all! *feeling very lightheaded as she is loaded with caffeine* Whoo! *falls over* -_- ...Ouch.
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Monday, October 27, 2003

T_T
I am dying here. It's been months since I worked on my fanfic, and I've pretty much abandoned it. I had a plot in there somewhere, but all the OCs are tangling it up... I need something new to work on, but all my regular fictions are slowly wasting away too. I think writing would probably help me out of my ditch a bit. I just need ideas. This is where all my wonderful friends out there (namely YOU) come in. I know I can count on you guys to bring up original ideas, and now I need some more than ever. The anime I would most probably be able to write well for would be Yugioh, Inuyasha, Fruits Basket (maybe...), or Trouble Chocolate (or at least I would if anyone liked it as much as I do). Yaoi is fine, but I like creativity in my yaoi, not just the same old same old Bakura-abuses-Ryou-because-he-doesn't-want-him-to-know cliche, or Yami/Yugi-fluff-hikari-can't-possibly-love-the-yami-back stuff. And I'm also opposed to the Seto/Jou pairing because I'm selfish and want Jou all to myself. Greedy greedy me.
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BOOM!
That is the reason I didn't sleep well last night. I was staying up late reading Gravitation (again) because I had had too much coffee. But when I finally got ready to go to sleep, a thunderstorm started up. This had to be the loudest thunderstorm I've ever heard. One crash was so loud it set off a car alarm on the street below. The whole house shook. So it was fairly difficult to get any rest.
I broke down pretty badly this morning, probably from lack of sleep. I am beginning to wonder if this is something a little more serious than stress though. Most of it has to do with the conflict between school and my social life, math and sleep vs. time with Nick and Lisa. I made an effort to pay attention during math today, and I'm beginning to understand it. I'm so proud!
Archbishop Carroll High School presented today, and it seemed like a good school until you realized that there were only three white people in the whole ten minute video. It's almost like a school for blacks. I'm not against blacks or anything, not at all, I just feel uncomfortable when a school or group is almost completely one race or color, even if it was all caucasian (which I am; 100% Anglo-Saxon and feeling left out in a Catholic school full of Irish). I like a lot of mixture and variety to feel comfortable.
Stoneridge also presented, and for the second year in a row I've had to tell the lady that the word is "anime". Actually, it wasn't even anime, it's manga. There's a club there for people who want to be manga-kas, and they're going to try to get something published soon. It's a Catholic school, so I bet it's not yaoi. Well they just suck.
And I seriously need a nap...
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Sunday, October 26, 2003

Grarr!
-_- I am not very amused. I went to ask my parents when we were getting a pumpkin to carve, but Jane (my mom; I have no idea why I call her Jane) said, "We aren't doing Halloween this year. We don't believe it's a very Christain holiday." I defended it, of course, as it IS a Christian holiday because it's connected to All Saints' Day, but she said it wasn't celebrated in a very Christian way. So I went off feeling all empty inside, because we ALWAYS do pumpkins for Halloween and when you lose a family tradition, you get this feeling that something's falling apart.
A little while later Jane stuck her head into my office and said, with a big grin on her face, "How big of a pumpkin do you want?"
Not amused. That's me.
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   HAPPY!!!
My very first concert, and it was the coolest thing I've ever been to in my life. Lessee, Mest and Goldfinger opened. I greatly dislike Mest. If you're going to cuss so much, can't you at least be creative? And they told us to stand, and jump, and all that crap, but they never once said "please". If you don't say "please" I'm not doin' anything. So there. Grr.
Er, Goldfinger was just...interesting.
Ah, but GC made it all worth it. They were talking about how good it was to be home (Baltimore, MD; close enough), and they were yelling out Waldorf, and Baltimore... and then Silver Spring! Out of all the small towns they chose Silver Spring! I feel so sepsal! I'm from Silver Spring, by the way. I think the three of us (Lisa, Catherine, and me) were one of, oh....4 groups of people screaming for that. Oh well.
Then a friend of the band (Rick) came out with his girlfriend (Rachel) and proposed to her on stage. She was crying and then she said yes, and it was all just so sweet!
And during the song "The Day That I Die" (definitely one of my favorites), they were talking aobut how dying isn't sad, it's happy, so we had to sing it happily. Then Lisa started screaming "HAPPY!" at the top of her lungs, during this almost silence. That's Lisa.
Catherine decided to wear her chains on her pants, and while we were being admitted, the guy in front of us had to take off his chains and put them in his car or something, so Catherine had to tuck her chains in. Then someone said, "No cameras, you can't bring cameras in!" Catherine had two, and so she gave one to Lisa's mom and stuffed the other down her bra. Someone really didn't want her to be there.
The mosh pit was very entertaining. First of all, when it finally started (Mest came out), everyone in the mosh just rushed forward, like one single being, or water. It was kinda scary. Then this little circle of doom popped up, and everyone in it was just smashing into each other. The crowd surfers were especially interesting to watch, cuz sometimes their head would suddenly drop down and their feet would fly up in the air. The scariest thing about it was that Lisa saw like a ten-year-old girl in the mosh. Poor kid...
Quotes derived from last night: "Hi, Billy, I'm Billy, and I look like Billy." "See this? See this bruise? Billy did that." "I know lots of Henries, but none of them are real..." (I did that one! Oh yeah! Go me!)
Now I think I will die, as the cramps in my calves are finally beginning to set in. Ugh.
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Saturday, October 25, 2003

GC concert TODAY!!! I can't wait! AND I found my Vampite Hunter D soundtrack when I thought I'd lost it! Yay! ^_^ Only thing missing is a chat with my b/f before I go and spend the night at Lisa's house... Ack, the green was getting a little hard to read. So I probably won't be posting anymore today, and you'll all have to wait till tomorrow to find about my ventures... Ah, you'll live.
Oh yes, and I have a small rash on my elbow. I have no idea where it came from, but I also felt a bit sick last night. Wondering if these two maladies are related.
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Friday, October 24, 2003

1 DAY!!!!! WHOOT!!!
1 day until the GC concert!!!! I can't wait!
What did I do today? Well, I slept in (no school! I love it!), then got up and watched 4 taped eppies of FLCL in a row. I had lots of caffeine and then retired to the computer. And after much time, here I am! And I broke up with my first internet b/f, my "impulse decision" as I call him, since I have an honest one now! I just hope he doesn't hunt me down with a wooden stake to drive through my heart... I feel so bad, making someone unhappy! I wish there was some other way, but no. My conscience is at rest with the breakup, just not the aftermath. Oh well, I suppose I'll live...
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Thursday, October 23, 2003

   GUESS WHAT!
All right. Today, I like went walking, and I walked. And then I walked, and then walked some more. And then, THEN, I WALKED!
As a result, the backs of my feet (achilles' tendon area space thing junk) are rubbed raw and bleeding and gross and stuff. Yup! Very fun.
And also, I got to talk more to Greg (about Yugioh, what else?) at recess! *congratulates herself* We discussed the card game and the original Japanese stuff... It was fun. But he didn't know Baukra's first name! It's Ryou. Yes. Lovely name, ne? But they killed it when they dubbed it! They lost Bakura's name! T_T
And not much else happened today... So yeah. No school tomorrow, yay! *cheers*
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Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Erm, is this a GOOD thing, or what?
When we stated intentions during morning prayers today at school, I mentioned DES's friend Audrey's mom. I also happened to be very tired. So between homeroom time and first period, I was sitting at my desk with my head on my hands on my books. Miss Smith came by and asked if anything was wrong. "Are you sure you're OK? Is it your friend's mom that's affecting you?" "It's my friend's friend's mom," I replied, just to clear up any confusion, because otherwise it could have been thought that I have actually met Audrey's mom, or Audrey, which I have not. "All right. You don't want to go see Mrs. Lizer?" "No, no I'm fine."
All this time I've been trying to get Sr. to think I'm depressed and I guess it's starting to carry over into my normal behavior... Hmm, this may not turn out so well. At least I was convincing.
Oh yeah, and Greg randomly walked up to me this morning and handed me Legendary Fisherman in a plastic sheet. Then he walked away again and I just stood there, looking at the card. I'm still wondering what this means... There are several options:
1) He actually likes me and is dropping hints.
2) He's just one helluva guy friend.
3) He got it from a vending machine (hence the plastic) and already had one, so he gave it to me.
4) Possibly in correspondence with 3, he knows how into Yugioh I am and thought I would like the card.
Any thoughts? Anyone? 'Cuz I'll tell you right now, I'm clueless. Imagine me looking like Kenshin saying "Oro" as Greg walked away, leaving me with this semi-famed (holographic!) card. And later, as I try to figure it out, like Kenshin when he's just been confused and/or hit by Kaoru. @_@ Ouch.
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