Friday, June 8, 2007

Vol. 2
Oh man, I am a metaphysical mess right now. Last night I found this webcomic (or "electric manga", if you will) called Kagerou. It comes with a warning at the beginning... It didn't really take effect until much later on in the story though. "There is also a chance that, if you have psychological issues, it may 'trigger' you." Well...that's not how I would put it for myself so much... But it really did affect me pretty heavily. Atone page, that had a single sentence on it, I just broke down and cried. I'll grant you, it was late, and of course it wasn't just the one page that did it, but everything leading up to that, but it's very rare I do that. Sure, I cry over books and movies and stuff, but mostly because of what's in it alone, not because of what's in it that 'triggers' some of the more painful bits of me. I think, after several encounters with it (they're often hidden), that my greatest fear is my loved ones being ruled by an inner madness. I'm not brave, but I think if a friend was threatened by something on the outside, like abuse or an oncoming train, or even something on the inside, an emotion like sadness or anger, I could probably do something, however ineffectual. But something subconscious or even unconscious, like depression or schizophrenia or whatnot, I can't do a damn thing about. I can't even manage my own demons. On junior retreat, during large group, I told everyone, "I feel weak, and helpless. I don't know what to do when my friends need me most. They're always there for me, but I don't know how to be there for them." And I still feel that way. I'm not sure if it's ingrained or if it had a start, but if it had a start I would say it'd be DES.

Something very strange happened between us, though I don't know if she ever felt it. It was like a near-instant bond, like she sensed what was about to happen to me (peak of depression) and we shared that together. We really were yami and hikari, though I sometimes think DES was the hikari. She became a part of me, a daily thought, like most distant friends. And that thought of her is what pulled me down and dragged me up again in my depression. When she left, that was the first time I felt really, really afraid that something would happen to her and I wouldn't be able to do a damn thing. She was able to give me comfort, but I was too late to give her any. By the time I knew somewhat how to give it, she was long gone. For the first few months, maybe a year, I thought of her constantly and worried, which augmented my depression with anxiety, insomnia, and therefore apathy and exhaustion. Now the guilt and helplessness just come flooding back to me at certain moments, like when I was reading Kagerou.

I...don't really know how to end this post. Um...
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