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• 1990-06-13
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• 2003-08-03
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• DES's hikari
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• Tory (Dori, Tostito)

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• (age 4) Tonari No Totoro
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• Gravitation, Weiss Kreuz, Hagaren (FMA), Kino No Tabi, .hack, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
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myOtaku.com: shiroikarasu


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

"but at the same time i wish there was something i wanted as much as he wanted to fry himself"
-archy

About a month ago I wrote an entry in my journal about how afraid I felt. And I was afraid then. I was afraid of everything--of death, of pain, of failure, of loneliness. I upped my Lexapro dosage. The feeling backed off for a while. Now I feel that way again.
I am deathly afraid. Only now I'm not afraid of the possible fall ahead. Now I am afraid of the fall I am experienceing now.
I snapped at someone today in a way I haven't since 7th grade. I felt ashamed after making a simple mistake in Latin class. I felt so shy, but so angry. I'm building up the old, old anger from years ago again, and I don't care whether it stops or not. Because with the anger comes severe apathy. I could care less what happens because of my screw-ups in regard to other people or the future. Now I care about the temporary highs and lows. Mostly lows.

So I huddled up in my mom's office on the bed and rubbed my arm where the scars used to be. They faded so fast, it doesn't seem right. Why can those painless outer marks disappear long before the heart-wrenching inner ones? The unmarred skin is laughing at me, as it healed so fast while I'm stil blindly hobbling about.

And now, unfortunately, the annoying depression blathering comes into it again. You don't have to put up with it. My apathy says do whatever you want. I don't really care. But I also don't care if this stops or not, so help right now seems a useless prospect. Advice will fall on deafened ears. And while I am afraid, all I want is to kill that fear. Scratch it out, slice it out, like it's some kind of physical part of me. But I won't. I'll just sit here in the silent darkness and be unfeeling. I would make a good Daoist.
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