Friday, April 1, 2005

   I'm so confused!
Well, today has been one h*** of a day... To go along with the past few days as well, of course... Despite the fact that I told him not to because he told me he wanted space for today, James called me. At first I wasn't really happy about it, but after a while (though I don't know why) I actually let up a bit and didn't let it bother me too much. He told me that he was going to give me time to myself today and I'd do the same for him and then I'd just see him tomorrow when he comes to pick me up. But that didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew he'd crack. But whatever, he's a jerk and that's all I know.

Well that's all for now. (I know, it's really short.)
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   Depressing!
Well, it's official. I just want to die right about now. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm going crazy. I mean, I don't know what to do with this whole entire situation. Part of me just wants to give up... Part of me just doesn't care anymore... Part of me doesn't want to lose him or give up on him... And part of me says I'd be TOTALLYcrushed if we ever broke up again. I'm being pulled in many different directions. So I've come up with the conclusion that I REALLY hate relationships! Relationships suck! MAJORLY! And they're filled with WAY TOO MUCH drama. I know, to see that coming from me is kinda odd considering I'm sort of a drama queen but it just gets a little old sometimes.

I mean, I called James yesterday to hopefully stop all the fighting and everything because we've been fighting for a few days now and hardly speaking to eachother otherwise. But, it just led to more fighting and yelling and screaming. Then he really crossed the line when he hung up the phone on me just as I was getting ready to say that I couldn't stand the fighting anymore and that I wanted to make it work. Yes, I admit, I'm gullible. I was going to give in. But then he ruined it. The funny thing is that I'm supposed to still go over there tomorrow and Sunday (to his house) to visit and stuff. But, I have a feeling that I'm going to be spending most of the time with mom... or dad... I have a feeling we won't be seeing eachother much or speaking to eachother all that much either, even though I'll be over there. But whatever!

Well that's all for now. Finally! I'll post more later.
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Thursday, March 31, 2005

   AAHH! Help!!!
This week has been hell for me so far... James and I aren't getting along very well and are on the verge of another break-up. I don't know if I can handle another break-up though. But this relationship is beginning to be too much. On one hand, it's too much and I wanna just give up... But on the other hand, I don't wanna give up. I guess it's just the fear of being alone or not having anyone here to love me or for me to love back. It hurts, and that's all that I know. I don't know what to do..

Today James' mom took me shopping and he came with us. That was really fun... NOT! At first we didn't even talk to eachother at all. (Meaning James and I.) We couldn't even stand to look at eachother. The entire time that we were in the car, on the way to the gas station and to our first store that we went to, James and I never spoke 1 word to eachother. Then things lightened up a bit after that. We actually got to the point where we could stand looking at eachother at least, though we didn't speak much to eachother even then. Then once we hit our next destination, things lightened up between us even more. We actually exchanged some words back and forth. Including the words, "I love you." That was odd though. At first I sort of choked on the words, but I got over it I guess. There's just so much tension between us and in our relationship right now that I don't know what to expect next. I don't know whether we're going to make it or not or if it's going to all come to a sudden crashing halt. It's depressing really. Things have never been this difficult between us where we couldn't even stand to look at eachother. I don't know what to do or say anymore. And I don't know what to think... AHHH!

Well that's all for now... More later... MAYBE!
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

   Confused!
Well by now I'm really confused. I somehow managed to gain myself a friend today. Haven't figured out how yet though! I noticed yesterday that I had a new guestbook entry. And when I read it I realized that it wasn't anyone that I knew so I got a little curious. And sent a message. But now we've somehow managed to begin talking and stuff. But I dunno. Kinda weird if you ask me! Oh-well!
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I'm going crazy!
I just received an e-mail from Noah, and I know this might sound harsh but I'm wishing that I hadn't. He's moving on with his life (officially) and it hurts. I can't stand to know it. And he and I tell eachother practically everything about what's going on in our love life. Maybe that's because there's a past between him and I. I don't know. But he DID reassure me that we would always be friends and that he wouldn't shut me out or forget about me. So I suppose I feel a little better. But I wanna go crazy! Oh, that's right, I already have... AAHH! Someone help!

This is just about the point where I really think that I need the day off tomorrow (meaning away from all the stress of boys and so on and so forth) to go shopping with mommy. It'll help, I think. I'm really excited. I can not wait. I'm going to be getting some spring clothes and stuff like that. So that oughtta be cool. Wow! I just realized that my wardrobe is slowly, yet surely, growing. Most of what I have now is just stuff that I've gotten since she's started taking me shopping and stuff. Everything else that I had from before, besides a few sweat shirts, have all been donated and stuff like that.

Well, back to the story of my life filled with drama, drama, and yet more drama...

Yesterday, I spoke to Billie Jo on the telephone and she read me an email that she had gotten from Matthew back when they were having problems. And I SOMEHOW although I don't know how, had managed to get my name stuck into that one. And the funny thing is that I didn't do anything to him. But, I'm seriously thinking about confronting him about it and everything to see what he has to say because he wrote it back when we had supposedly had things cleared up and we were supposedly already getting along and stuff. So I dunno. I'm thinking of telling her to e-mail that to me and I'll print it out, hi-light the part about me and then stick it in his face and ask him what it's all about. You know, after all this time, and after having my father talk to him and he came and talked to me, I thought that things were good again. But apparently I was wrong. I guess they're not good between us. I guess I'm just right back to where it all began. So much for wishful thinking. I don't believe it though. How could I be so stupid as to believe everything that he had said to me when he told me that everything was cool between us and when he said we'd get along and there were no more problems between us? WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!?!
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   Tomorrow!
I really can not wait until tomorrow because mommy is taking me shopping. Poor James will be at school and me and mommy have the entire day by ourselves without him. He's not going to like that too well, I know. But when I'm over at his house and he's there, mommy and daddy never get time with me because he's always attached. So it'll be good for me and mommy to finally get time without him. She's taking me clothes shopping and then out to lunch. I'm also thinking about getting a second hole in each of my ears so they'll be pierced 2 times. That is if I can talk MY dad into letting me without wanting to kick me out of the house when I come home with 2 holes in each ear. I just know that if I DON'T say anything about doing it before I do it, he'll be p***ed about it. So I'll be nice and talk to him about it before-hand.

Well I spoke to Noah yesterday... And I'm not sure if it's necessarily a good or bad thing that I had. I found out that there's another girl that he likes that goes to his church and one that he likes that I think he goes to school with. Now, I know that him and I are no longer going out and we haven't been for a really long time. But it still hurts. I still hate to think about him moving on. That sounds selfish I know because I moved on (although not completely) and started going back out with James since him and I broke up but I hate to think of him moving on with his life and me not being included. Ok that sounds REALLY bad. AAAHHH! Someone help! What do I do?
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

   I'm so confused.
Well last night Jay called me on the telephone at 9:30 and I seriously wanted to kill him. My dad totally b****ed at me for it and I had absolutely no control over it because I've already told him not to call past 9:00 at night and he never listens. So I got mad at him for it and we got into a HUGE fight and all. But anytime that I tried to talk to him about it, he'd just change the subject and act as if it didn't matter to him. But then he kept telling me that it did matter and that he still loved me and cared about me and everything like that... Well that's were I run into the problem because James and I are still supposed to be together but at the end of our conversation I asked Jason what he thought was still really going on between us and according to him, he thinks we're still back together. Well I told James about it and he's surprisingly not mad at me for it. I've told him everything about the entire situation. From beginning to end. Unfortunately! But somehow he still hasn't let it bother him. I mean, if he had himself into a situation like this, I think I'd be a bit upset. But not him. Somehow he still obtains his patience with me through all of this. Well, I still told Jay that I was really p***ed at him and told him I'd cut off all communications with him and he didn't like that. Then he told me to call him tomorrow (which would actually be today now)but I told him I didn't think that I would...Because I was mad... And I still am... But kinda feel guilty about it at the same time. So I dunno... I'm so confused...

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   Havent been on here in a long time!
Well, it's been a long time since I've been on here to add a post. But I just haven't had the time to... My life is still just as boring as before, if not moreso now. There's really nothing interesting to tell, still. James and I are still going out. The 4th of next month will officially be 8 months that we've been back together. So I'm excited about that. I mean, don't get me wrong, we do have our days that we don't get along or we feel like we wanna slit eachother's throats but for the most part it's all good.

Kendrick (KJ) and I no longer talk now. We broke up a long time ago... and without me even knowing it really, so that kinda sucked. But that's ok because it gave James and I another chance to work things out.

Home life still sucks more that ever. I can't wait until James gets out of school and finds a job. Because once he does that, I'll be moving in with him... But, sshh!!! Noone else but his family and I know that. He'll more than likely have a job long before I have one at the rate that I'm going. Speaking of me not having a job, I still have yet to get the witch Marg off of my back. I can't stand her. But does anyone care? NO! Of course not. But oh well!

Well, on Saturday, I got my hair cut short. I love it though. It's so much easier to take care of. And it's so much easier to wash as well as comb. It used to take a LOT of shampoo to get all the way through my hair because it was so thick but now it's so much better because it doesn't take much to wash. And as far as combing it, it's so much easier to get a comb through it as well. I LOVE IT! At first I missed it (I got a LOT cut off) but now that I think back on it, I'm glad that it's gone.

Well that's all for now. I'll add more later maybe.
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

   Let's see if it works!
I haven't been on here in a while because every time that I tried to make a post it wouldn't let me put it in. So let's see if it works.
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Sunday, November 14, 2004

   New Job Starts Tomorrow
Well it's official. I'm REALLY nervous. I start at my new job tomorrow... At least I get my uniform and everything, anyway. But I have no set time to be there, just basically whenever I want so that's cool. But I'm really scared. I really want to do good and everything but there's a lot of things I have to learn and know for the job so that's going to be hard. But that's ok. I'll get through it, I suppose. I won't have a choice. And although I don't have a set time to get there tomorrow morning, I'll probably be waking up around 5:00 or 5:30 and leave here by 6:00 because Maryann, my boss, says she gets there around 6:00 or so and she said that I can come in as early as that if I want. I think it's just to run through some moreof the stuff that I'll need to know about what I'll be doing and everything and I might be getting my uniform too. I'm not exactly sure.

Well I still haven't talked to my Kendrick today. I actually haven't talked to him in a couple of days. But he said that he was going to call me back on Friday sometime but never did. So I'm NOT calling him until he calls me now since he never did when he was supposed to.
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