Friday, April 22, 2005

   Too much going on at once!
Today, my friend/ex-boyfriend, Paul, called me and we talked about a fight that we recently got into, and began working things out. Well afterwards, I brought up the subject of what Jason P. asked me when I was talking to him over the phone the other day. And that's when he totally dropped the bombshell on me... Confused? Let me explain: Here's where I've got myself into a MAJOR HUGE rut... I have a boyfriend (the same one that I've had for 9 months now) and we've been doing a lot of talking about the future and what the future holds for us... or may hold for us, for that matter... Needless to say, we've been doing a LOT of talking about marriage and everything like that. Well, the other day, I talked to Jason P. and he brought up the same subject. Although he wasn't talking about asking some other girl. He was talking about asking me... And in fact, he did ask me what I'd do or say if he officially asked me to marry him... Shocked, and confused, I didn't know what to say. I couldn't really say anything... I was speechless... I mean, don't get me wrong I love the guy, because we go way back and we've been through a lot together in the past. We dated for a little while (a long ways back) and then broke up and didn't see eachother or speak to eachother for years (literally) because he moved away after that. Well, we both kind of want to get back together now that we're back in contact, but I can't because I have a boyfriend right now... Anyway, I am getting off topic... Paul told me that he wanted to ask me the same question and has been wanting to for a long time but was scared or embarrassed to. So now I don't know what to do. I mean, Paul and I are REALLY close but I could never see myself spending the rest of my life with him. It just confuses me about where this suddenly came from and stuff like that... And now that I think about it, I'm not sure that I can even see me spending the rest of my life with my current boyfriend, James, either. That's bad to say, I know. But it's true. I'm beginning to think that Jason P. is the one I want to be with. I dunno! I am so confused. I have never ever had 3 different guys ask me that same question all at the same time like that... Until now, anyway... And now that I have, it's killing me... I think that I need to tell James about all of this so I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from him or lying to him. But I just know that he's going to get over-emotional about it all. And I know that he's going to get really mad about it. But the truth of the matter is that I NEVER answered either of them. And I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing that I haven't answered. I mean, yeah, Jason P. and I HAVE BEEN talking about what I like to call, "the what if's." But that's as far as it's went so far. But I don't know. I mean, as bad as this is going to sound, I love James but I Love Jason P. Okay maybe it'll make more sense if I put it this way... I LOVE James, but (I think) I'm IN LOVE with Jason P.! Okay, that sounds really bad too, but it's also true. And what makes it worse is that I have until tomorrow morning at 9:00 to figure things out if I plan on telling him because I'm going over there tomorrow and Sunday. AAAHHH! HELP!!!

Well, I got to run! My stepmom's daughter is driving me crazy by waiting until I get off so she can get on... So maybe this will get her off my back.. More on Monday!
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