Monday, May 9, 2005

   Can I scream?!?!
On Saturday and Sunday, I went to James' house like I usually do on the weekends. But, I sort of regret going there. My dad was actually in town over the weekend and the only time I really got to see him was on Friday when he came home until friday evening because him and Marg went out and were gone until late. So I was in bed by the time that they got home.

Then I was gone from about 8:45 in the morning on Saturday until midnight. Then, I got up on Sunday morning at about 7:30 to shower and get ready to go back over there. James got to my house to pick me up at about 8:40 Sunday morning and was there until about 9:00 Sunday night but got home at about 9:15. By that time, I only got to see my dad for about 5 minutes then he had to pack to leave this morning, so I left him alone for a while. After he was done packing, he came into my room to say goodbye and to give me a hug since I wouldn't be awake when he left in the morning because he'd be leaving by 5:00 in the morning. And unfortunately he will be gone until memorial day weekend. So I'm stuck in this hellhole without him again. But he'll be back on Friday May 27, 2005 and then him and Marg have some camping trip planned and I'm still not 100% sure if I am going with them or not. I probably WILL though because I want to spend time with my dad.

Though James doesn't really want me to go I can tell. He would rather me stay here and/or be with him that weekend. But besides that, James has gotten to be too obsessive over how much time him and I spend together (or don't spend together for that matter) and how much we do (or do not) talk to eachother. Then he's all worried about being the FIRST to know if I'm going camping or not. He's already tried telling me to make sure that he knows what's going on first and foremost before anyone else. I don't even think so!

I'm really not sure how much more of that I can really handle. You know, last week (sometime, don't remember the day exactly) he had brought up something that he had been talking about in his psychology class in school. And that was about people who were obsessive compulsive. He said that he had "experienced" some of the symptoms or signs of it. And at first I sort of ignored it and everything. I really thought nothing of the situation. But now that all of ths has been going on and now that I think about it I actually think that it could be true. That's bad to say I know but I'm just telling the truth. Not to mention that he's been getting rather controlling over me about things like what I do or don't do and I don't like it. NOT 1 BIT! I don't want to break up with him (especially because we've had a 9 month relationship ongoing so far) and I don't want to lose the family that I've gained since we've been together. But I don't want to be stuck in a relationship with a man who has the potential of becoming controlling. But that's pretty much exactly where this relationship is going at this point I think. And the more that I Think about it, I don't know if he's the one I really could see me spending the rest of my life with. I sort of feel like these 9 months have been wasted and that the only thing I've really learned about him is that he's not exactly everything that I had thought he was.I mean, I know that sometimes I say things to him that may make it seem like I'm that way to him but I do it and say it is just me joking around. ANd I ALWAYS tell him that I'm joking with him about it. So he has no reason to do this to me. I want to tell him what I Think or how I feel. But I don't know how to... HELP!
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