AIM • Osaba General E-mail •Click Here OtakuBoards •sikaurai Yahoo! Messenger • bowerydweller
Vitals
Gender •
Female Location • Port City, WI Member Since • 2006-08-08 Occupation • medical claims adjuster Real Name • C. A. Maruca
Personal
Achievements • Returning to various online art forums to regenerate from several successful art-rallies and Dark Arts venues in the Midwest Anime Fan Since • ...defunct from fandom Favorite Anime • Samurai 7 Goals • to execute the best internet stunt in history, and eventually complete my nursing degree before the kids graduate Hobbies • sketching, archery, writing Talents • foiling the highway patrol, having fun with powertools, and taking things apart
myOtaku.com: sikaurai
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
WARNING: LONG POST...FAIRWEATHER READERS, BEWARE...
I sense a shift in my chemical balance.
For the time, that's a good thing.
Monitoring Mental Heath:
CURRENT MOOD: STABILITY
Looking back at the last few posts, and
offering a feeble laugh. Somehow, you
manage to pull through. You know...lesser
people would have at least ATTEMPTED
the 'final solution' at some point.
And don't kid yourself in saying you at least
never THOUGHT of it, *dweller*, my dear.
'Cuz it's crossed your mind at least ONCE.
When? Well, when the car broke down. DEAD
in the water in the mother's driveway...and
the discovery of the beaten-down pontiac's
complete power failure only a half-hour before
being scheduled to punch in at work.
I was pretty much coasting on fumes, myself...
having had only three hours sleep. Two kids
screaming for a daddy that never showed them
any real love--but suddenly, the wanna see Daddy,
they want Daddy--they want Sara to be their
new mom. And it's cold out...in the negatives...
and we're so far away from home. In the middle
of a cornfield. No bus, no cabs, no friends.
And Mother is screaming at me, and the kids are
crying, and the car won't start...and my boss is
so FUCKING pissed because I refused to stick
my thumb out to catch a ride to work. (Well, not
for THAT reason, per se...but just the whole
inability to show up to work, altogether.)
I ended up out in the driveway, in the freezing
cold, all alone, my tears freezing on my cheeks.
I sat down in a snowdrift, just wishing that I
could die without guilt...that my passing
would be swift, painless, and uneventful,
and unmemorable. I don't know what finally
dragged me back inside...I don't know what
pulled me back into that 'OTHER realm'...
but I fell asleep on Mother Dearest's floor,
waiting for an epiphany.
I got one. Dearest Tao and all the forces
embodied, I got one.
In the form of an email.
It was a message from a teen on the Otaku.
It said, I've been reading your posts. I've
been reading your deviant account. And I
was too embarassed to say anything until
now. I want to say Thank You for everything
you've ever done. I've never met you, but you
were there for me, when I needed it. And I
want to 'spread the love', like you put it. I want
you to know that you've touched me, and I
hope I can return the favor. So please don't
give up. There are people out there who not only
care about you, but need you.
There was other stuff, but I won't post it here.
What a fucking NICE thing to say. What a fucking
UNNECESSARY show of empathy. And because
of that, it was just so...
APPRECIATED.
KING OF THE FUCKTARDS is NOT GETTING
THE KIDS. I will get a different job. I will go back
to school. I will GET the resources I need to get
better and stop seeing lights and hearing whispers
and being distracted from the things that really
matter. I will DEFINE the things that matter. No
more crying. No more ranting. No more stagnating
in the cesspool of my own fucking misery. Stand up
and practice what you preach:
SPREAD THE LOVE.
----
Justin: whatever happened to that psycho that
always made us laugh?
Bowerydweller: She's still here. The other voices
in her head are holding her hostage.
Justin: Well, could you let her out, please? The
other voices are really boring the fuck out of me.
Bowerydweller: Me too. It's time for a comeback.
What are you doing next Wednesday?
Justin: That depends. R U going to be normal?
Bowerydweller: Have you forgotten who you're
talking to?
Justin: Oh yeah. well, I wouldn't have it any other
way. Call me.
Bowerydweller: I'm feeling much better now.
Justin: We'll keep the old straightjacket on hand,
just in case.
My oldest daughter told her grandma that
her father told her a secret. Her father
told her that she would be getting a ‘NEW
MOMMY’. But don’t tell anyone.
IT’s a secret, he says.
Hmmmm.
Well, then.
My friend Scott told me that
he saw the father of my children and
his girlfriend at the dance club. Scott
told me that his new trophy was saying,
“Don’t worry. She’ll be in jail, soon, and
we’ll get the children.”
Oh.
Well. All right, then. Hmmmmm.
It’s exhausting to discover that someone whom
you’ve once given your heart to…someone you
spent six years with, sacrificing wants and needs so
that the two of you could stay together…just wants
To see you put away. It’s exhausting to come to
The realization that you just simply can’t trust
anyone in this world. Well, I guess I won’t
cry about it. I guess I won’t get mad. Cuz
everyone’s getting sick to death of hearing me
rant. So I think I’ll just quietly slink away, now…
and contemplate giving up the kids.
So I don’t have to go to prison. And so the
kids can have a mommy AND a daddy.
Maybe it’s for the best.
Cuz I’m suddenly tired of fighting.
OH...EDIT.
On the plus side...
Ebony finished her art trade.
'TIS most awesome, and you must
all go look at it.
NOW>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Ugh.
I’m sorry.
I’m disgusted with my own inability to
Visit people here on a consistent basis.
I told some people that I was deleting
My account.
God, so many cool people have left,
already. And my doodles don’t
resemble anime-anything. Not one
little whit. It would be different if I
cared. But I don’t. Somewhere down
the line, I stopped enjoying anime.
I created this account to test my book’s
marketability. But…I have the dA account
now, for that.
I was…once AGAIN…talked out of
deleting my account.
Ironically, though, I was talked out
of it by someone who’s never on theO
much, anymore, either.
So….we can be guilty TOGETHER of
not visiting people.
It’s good to have an accomplice.
Sigh.
Oh, goddamn. NOW you visit me.
That just blew my whole spiel.
THIS SONG IS MY SEX.
Seriously.
For all of you who are familiar
With my Akiramaru…
This is his voice. YES.
I must be getting over that hump…
I submitted THREE pics to theO today.
They should be up shortly. The only
one, though, that I really give a damn
about is an art trade with Ebony,
featuring her two original characters
Damn, I love that Necrophiliac. Seriously.
DO NOT CALL ME AN ARTIST.
I’m seriously not. I kinda don’t care
about expanding my abilities. Really.
All I care about is these stupid dreams
and these people that keep inundating them.
Nocturnal rapists, is what they are. I wish
I could get one night’s worth of peace.
So I apologize for my limited curriculum.
No, I take that back. I don’t care. XD
Thanks for being so tolerant…yo.
Anyway, I believe I promised some poetry.
Don’t worry, I asked for permission, first.
So here it is:
DENY…by GB Fiend:
And as sick as it sounds,
I want this feeling to last.
That's why I cry,
Every time,
You even mention the past.
It was the time of my sunrise,
And the time of my life.
But the past,
Gone too fast,
And even you can't deny,
Because,
You aren't here,
and you aren't there.
But I always come to the conclusion,
And I know you still care,
About my life,
My thoughts,
My mind,
And then I happen to find,
A tearstained note,
I didn't send,
I couldn't see I was blind.
And then I stop,
And I spend,
Another lifetime or two,
Thinking how your words had raped me,
Couldn't stop thinking of you.
But now it's too late for me though,
And I know that it's true,
So I lie here,
And I watch these twisted dreams,
Nothing new....
Nothing new....
Hear this song? I love it. It’s old…
But I listened to it a lot in high school.
My daughter is delirious…
No, really.
She was laughing hysterically in
her bed. I had to drag her into the
living room. She’s burning up.
But I have medical experience…
So, yeah.
Five kids died in my area…from
Influenza-related complications.
Sigh.
And I have five mixers in my
system. So…even though I’m
obviously coherent…I’m not
legal to drive, right now. I might
have to ask my neighbor to take
her to the clinic, if she gets worse.
Thank goodness, my neighbor likes me.
She calls me ‘the eccentric artist next door’.
Funny, huh?
*slappity slap*
My OTHER neighbor though…
Is a mother younger than me. She has
A two-year old boy. And she lets
him run loose in the hall.
It’s, like, eleven o’clock at night,
here. And I can hear him trying to
open my door.
What an airhead, this woman is.
Seriously, I live in such a ghetto
building. All my neighbors…I
could write a book.
Anyway, I put up new artsy-type stuff on
dA, but I’m too lazy to post it here. And
I’m currently working on a pic for Ebony in
a trade…for me, she’s doing SASCHA-AND-
AKIRAMARU YAOI!!!!!!! *eeeeeeee*
How fun.
I think…tomorrow night, I’m going to
post some poetry from GB FIEND. She’s
really good, and she did a poem just
recently that I’m in love with.
I had planned on staying offline
a little while longer…but I can’t
ever keep quiet for very long. My
natural urge to rant and vent finally
took control. So here I am. Again.
I recently received a wonderful
email. One that brought me back to
the surface from the quagmire of
self-reproach and depression. A
fellow deviant did a tarot card
reading on me…one that was frighteningly
on-target. Finally, someone understands…
or at least, owns the cards that understand.
Several years ago, after some pretty
severe psychotic episodes, I endured
intensive treatment and was diagnosed
with schizoaffective disorder. For all you
lay-people out there, schizoaffective
disorder, in its most severe form, is like
hyper-manic bipolarity with schizophrenic
tendencies—complete with the hallucinations
and delusions. Fun fun fun. Now, don’t go
confusing schizophrenia with multiple
personality disorder… I don’t have other
personalities.
Sascha: Yes, you do…
Me: Shut up…fuck off…whatever.
Anywayyyyy, my insurance expired.
I was on public assistance, and now
they say I make too much money. I can’t
get coverage through my employer until
next year. So, my maintenance prescription
can’t be filled. I’ve been running on
fumes for the last month. And so…I’ve
been monitoring my online journal,
keeping track of my moods.
The results are pretty disturbing. Some
old behaviours are repeating themselves.
The real reason why sperm donor left me?
I slipped into a fantasy world, and refused
to come out. I would rather sit in a corner
with my sketch pad instead of cooking
and cleaning. It wasn’t just some grown
woman with a penchant for sketching;
it was some crazy chick with a crippling
obsession. The dreams, dreams, dreams—
and me trying so FUCKING HARD to make
them come out on paper! And me getting
so mad at myself because I can’t make the
visions appear on paper like I see them in
my head. Every deviation in my gallery is a
manifestation of my consistent FAILURE…
and still, I try. And still it’s the only driving
force in my life. The only thing that keeps
me alive.
One of my ex-flings said something to me
that sticks in my head, even to this day:
“Cute and crazy…is the most dangerous
combination in a woman.”
So, with that said, I have another picture
Up. Enjoy.
Third night in a row. Then this is my
last post for the week. Hell week is
on the horizon.
I put up a new piccy. It accompanies
a series of excerpts from a chapter in
my literary series. The installments
are entitled ‘Sins of the Wolfen Priest’…
a collection which highlights poor Sascha’s
attempts to confront the hideous demons
of his bloodthirsty past.
Alas, he is unable to defeat them, and
falls into Kimi’s arms a defeated warrior.
Good. He drives me crazy, sometimes.
Anyway, the song that is currently on
my site helped to inspire the scene. I’m
not going to post lyrics. You get the
general idea by looking at the pic. And
the literary installments are being displayed
on my deviantART account.
OKAY, you guys. Remember my big rant?
I STILL GOT TWO PM’s from fellow
Otakuites, asking me to come to their site
and comment on fan-art.
And they have yet to comment on any of
my posts.
PAYING ATTENTION???? And for the rest
of you, maybe you’re getting a chuckle
from this. I’m beyond that point.
Hey, get this…two nights in a ROW.
Fucking SPECTACULAR, isn’t it?
Guess what. I’m in a foul mood.
I don’t understand a lot of crap that
goes on, around here. So tonight,
I wanna ask questions. And I need to
point out some things. WHY?, You ask.
Or maybe you didn’t. Maybe you don’t
Give a damn. I shouldn’t, either.
Yet, my curiosity is MORBID at times.
And I’m a glutton for punishment.
(Warning: Profanity ahead…)
WHY do people think that gushing about
another person’s art on a fucktard cut-and
-paste GB signing is going to amount
to anything in the long run? I mean,
and then, *bing*, you’re added to their
Friends’ list. You notice that when you
return their signing.
And then, that’s the last time you ever
hear from them.
Yet you’re on their list.
What is this LIST? What’s it for?
I was told that it’s to rate popularity.
Popularity? Why? Are you running for
The otaku office? Governor of the O?
President of the anime fandom?
WHAT?
Top PET PEEVES of ‘da sikaurai:
1) People who add you but never visit.
2) Generic cut-and-paste GB sigs.
3) People whose basic SKIMMING of
Others’ posts are so goddamned obvious.
(Hey, we all have time issues. If you’re
that rushed, don’t bother dropping by.
That’s all I gotta say about that.)
4) People who PM you with the explicit
purpose of telling you to visit their site…
And yet, they NEVER comment on yours.
5) Shameless self-promoters. (God, get
some dignity.)
6) Flamers. For content, no less. You don’t
like a little blood, every now and then?
Well, guess what. There’s about five pints
coursing through your veins. Sucks, huh?
7) Kids who try to make a trend out
of cutting themselves. Get a clue.
8) People who honestly believe that
mental illness is self-inflicted. God, go
back to your bubble, fucktard.
9) People who comment, “I don’t have
time to comment, but I just dropped by.”
Well, in the time you took to type that,
you could have just skipped the post
altogether and just went straight
to the ‘backroom’.
10) People who automatically assume
that every rant is directed at them.
And last, but not least:
11) People who post their pet peeves on
their websites.
Yeah, I had some more, but I ran
out of time. Yeah. OUT OF TIME.
I probably pissed some sensitive visitors
off, but…the people who consider
themselves my friends will really
understand, if they think about it.
And besides, I had nothing else to rant
about today. So I thought consistency is
the key.
Ommmmf.fgmf.sdfsdlfmsljdlsja..
GAWDS.
Okay, that was a synaptic twitch.
NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE
DAY!!!
*lights cigarette*
I wanted to hit sites last night,
but I ran out of time.
I wanted to post the second part
of my ‘Sins of the Wolfen Priest’
on dA…but I ran out time.
I wanted to get the framwork
done for my next art pic…
But I ran out of time.
BASTARD!!!!
Stop running from me! Stand
Still, you little shit!
Oh, and Yensid…regarding your
last PM, all I have to say is
This: Spoilsport.
*pouts*
Fine, I didn’t wanna see ‘em,
anyway.
(okay, maybe just a little.)
OKAY, for you dA watchers that
visit my ‘O’ site…I PROMISE
I WILL HAVE THE NEXT PART
UP TOMORROW.
I’m staying up all night.
WHY?
Because it’s my night off, yo.
And because I’ll sleep when
I’m dead.
Oh, yeah…this site song has an
excerpt of dialogue from an
anime. Anyone who can tell me
what it’s from, gets a cookie.
YEAH.
Hello, dolls and dudes…haven’t been on
in, like…ages, or something.
Busy with work…and my spare time
is spent on dA…and….yeah.
Don’t give a rat’s ass about the
ol’ excuses, right? Yeah, I thought so.
Anyway, nothing exciting to
report. Aside from potentially
starting up a new site…an online
associate of mine is a website
designer By occupation…and he’s
trying to Encourage me to set up
my very own Site—not as an
affiliate of any Larger network,
but my very own, Complete with
registered domain name. For…heh…
hentai. Yep. I’m hedging
the fence on it. Gotta think some more
about it.
See, I’m very skilled at it. But hesitant
to be associated with a public display
of my most scandalous talent. It could
come back and bite me in the ass, y’know…
In the long run.
Anyway, I made the mistake of
falling asleep to the song ‘Prey For
The Dead’, by Negative Format. That
night, I had this pretty gruesome dream
about raging hordes of zombies. So…
because I’m in a pretty vile mood, I’d like
to introduce a video by my favorite
aging rocker…whom has also managed
to produce a series of movies paying
homage to the old cheesy splatter-flicks
of the seventies.
Dude, I loved those movies. And I
Love Mr. Zombie. So, here’s a video
showing some of the finer points of
his first movie, ‘house of a thousand
Corpses’…and DUDES, lemme tell
ya, I LOVE this song. I always kinda
pictured this song being Akiramaru’s
little theme song (his OTHER one)…
You know, as he pouts his sexy pout.
