I had planned on staying offline
a little while longer…but I can’t
ever keep quiet for very long. My
natural urge to rant and vent finally
took control. So here I am. Again.
I recently received a wonderful
email. One that brought me back to
the surface from the quagmire of
self-reproach and depression. A
fellow deviant did a tarot card
reading on me…one that was frighteningly
on-target. Finally, someone understands…
or at least, owns the cards that understand.
Several years ago, after some pretty
severe psychotic episodes, I endured
intensive treatment and was diagnosed
with schizoaffective disorder. For all you
lay-people out there, schizoaffective
disorder, in its most severe form, is like
hyper-manic bipolarity with schizophrenic
tendencies—complete with the hallucinations
and delusions. Fun fun fun. Now, don’t go
confusing schizophrenia with multiple
personality disorder… I don’t have other
personalities.
Sascha: Yes, you do…
Me: Shut up…fuck off…whatever.
Anywayyyyy, my insurance expired.
I was on public assistance, and now
they say I make too much money. I can’t
get coverage through my employer until
next year. So, my maintenance prescription
can’t be filled. I’ve been running on
fumes for the last month. And so…I’ve
been monitoring my online journal,
keeping track of my moods.
The results are pretty disturbing. Some
old behaviours are repeating themselves.
The real reason why sperm donor left me?
I slipped into a fantasy world, and refused
to come out. I would rather sit in a corner
with my sketch pad instead of cooking
and cleaning. It wasn’t just some grown
woman with a penchant for sketching;
it was some crazy chick with a crippling
obsession. The dreams, dreams, dreams—
and me trying so FUCKING HARD to make
them come out on paper! And me getting
so mad at myself because I can’t make the
visions appear on paper like I see them in
my head. Every deviation in my gallery is a
manifestation of my consistent FAILURE…
and still, I try. And still it’s the only driving
force in my life. The only thing that keeps
me alive.
One of my ex-flings said something to me
that sticks in my head, even to this day:
“Cute and crazy…is the most dangerous
combination in a woman.”
So, with that said, I have another picture
Up. Enjoy.
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