I sense a shift in my chemical balance.
For the time, that's a good thing.
Monitoring Mental Heath:
CURRENT MOOD: STABILITY
Looking back at the last few posts, and
offering a feeble laugh. Somehow, you
manage to pull through. You know...lesser
people would have at least ATTEMPTED
the 'final solution' at some point.
And don't kid yourself in saying you at least
never THOUGHT of it, *dweller*, my dear.
'Cuz it's crossed your mind at least ONCE.
When? Well, when the car broke down. DEAD
in the water in the mother's driveway...and
the discovery of the beaten-down pontiac's
complete power failure only a half-hour before
being scheduled to punch in at work.
I was pretty much coasting on fumes, myself...
having had only three hours sleep. Two kids
screaming for a daddy that never showed them
any real love--but suddenly, the wanna see Daddy,
they want Daddy--they want Sara to be their
new mom. And it's cold out...in the negatives...
and we're so far away from home. In the middle
of a cornfield. No bus, no cabs, no friends.
And Mother is screaming at me, and the kids are
crying, and the car won't start...and my boss is
so FUCKING pissed because I refused to stick
my thumb out to catch a ride to work. (Well, not
for THAT reason, per se...but just the whole
inability to show up to work, altogether.)
I ended up out in the driveway, in the freezing
cold, all alone, my tears freezing on my cheeks.
I sat down in a snowdrift, just wishing that I
could die without guilt...that my passing
would be swift, painless, and uneventful,
and unmemorable. I don't know what finally
dragged me back inside...I don't know what
pulled me back into that 'OTHER realm'...
but I fell asleep on Mother Dearest's floor,
waiting for an epiphany.
I got one. Dearest Tao and all the forces
embodied, I got one.
In the form of an email.
It was a message from a teen on the Otaku.
It said, I've been reading your posts. I've
been reading your deviant account. And I
was too embarassed to say anything until
now. I want to say Thank You for everything
you've ever done. I've never met you, but you
were there for me, when I needed it. And I
want to 'spread the love', like you put it. I want
you to know that you've touched me, and I
hope I can return the favor. So please don't
give up. There are people out there who not only
care about you, but need you.
There was other stuff, but I won't post it here.
What a fucking NICE thing to say. What a fucking
UNNECESSARY show of empathy. And because
of that, it was just so...
APPRECIATED.
KING OF THE FUCKTARDS is NOT GETTING
THE KIDS. I will get a different job. I will go back
to school. I will GET the resources I need to get
better and stop seeing lights and hearing whispers
and being distracted from the things that really
matter. I will DEFINE the things that matter. No
more crying. No more ranting. No more stagnating
in the cesspool of my own fucking misery. Stand up
and practice what you preach:
SPREAD THE LOVE.
----
Justin: whatever happened to that psycho that
always made us laugh?
Bowerydweller: She's still here. The other voices
in her head are holding her hostage.
Justin: Well, could you let her out, please? The
other voices are really boring the fuck out of me.
Bowerydweller: Me too. It's time for a comeback.
What are you doing next Wednesday?
Justin: That depends. R U going to be normal?
Bowerydweller: Have you forgotten who you're
talking to?
Justin: Oh yeah. well, I wouldn't have it any other
way. Call me.
Bowerydweller: I'm feeling much better now.
Justin: We'll keep the old straightjacket on hand,
just in case.
Bowerydweller: And maybe a kennel for the kids?
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