Wednesday, September 27, 2006

WHY IT'S OKAY TO CRY. . . DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS
Recently, sikaurai has been having some pretty intense conversations with fellow Otakuites via her highly-trafficked Private Message box. It appears that many of my lovely artists have been enduring--emotionally speaking--some pretty turbulent times. Usually, in unleashing said emotions, there are feelings that follow. . . feelings often associated with guilt. . . many of us think that, sometimes, depression can oft times only be viewed as self-pity, and is therefore to remain the victim's dirty little secret.

Mmmmm. Let sikaurai tell you why that's not true.

A lot of you out there think that sikaurai is loopy and silly all the time, and that's cool. sikaurai is all about spreading 'da love. But sometimes. . . sikaurai feels that she can empathize with pain. She knows what pain feels like. She also knows, however, that saying things like, "I know how you feel", only compounds the pain, and such words can only be the catalyst for resounding resentment.

Lemme tell you all a story:

Sikaurai is the young mother of two young kiddies. Sometime, early this spring, the sperm donor realized that he didn't like family life so much. He disappeared, leaving her alone to take care of the kids on her own. sikaurai, in her infamously care-free manner, thought: that's cool. 'Cuz now sikaurai is free to make her own decisions, and do her own thing. . .

He left right after she had major surgery, leaving her to the recovery process all alone. As a result, she can no longer have any more children. And that's cool. 'Cuz she hadn't planned on having any more anyway, and her friends were there for her during rough waters.
(Thanks, lovelife7 and frogking. . . and Rez, and Julie, and Shaggy, and Beth, and Scott. . .and even Gary ;)) The romance was dead, but friends are forever.

sikaurai's birth mother told her that if she moved to MN, then her mother would help put her through school. sikaurai, against her better nature, moved in with her mom, and within three months, sikaurai was homeless. She was forced to flee after her chemically dependent mother became verbally abusive in front of the kids. She left all her possessions behind. And that's cool, because possessions kinda bog down the soul, anyway.

Sikaurai now lives in an economically depressed area, and the the only job that she could find is forty miles away from her home. And that's cool, 'cuz she likes to drive, anyway.

Think she's got it all figured out?

Well, now her car is starting to break down, and is becoming unreliable. sikaurai has no furniture--just a computer, a TV, her kids' toys, and her kids' clothes. The system is punishing her for having a job, and is taking away her food benefits. Her children eat, but she doesn't. She can't afford to. And just last night, while doing her duties as a caretaker in a group home, sikaurai held an old woman's hand while the lost soul screamed into the darkness that her mother was coming to take her home. sikaurai was scared. She knew that her ward was going die soon, and sikaurai was the only one there, in the dark, watching helplessly as the old woman cried out in her pain and confusion.

So, what I'm trying to say to everyone out there, as they're feeling lost, and over-burdened by the every day trials and tribulations of a tired existence, is that. . . sometimes it's okay to feel sorry for yourself. Sometimes it's okay to let the pain all out, and bawl like a little baby. Sometimes it's okay to seek solace on the shoulder of another, as you weep for your own frustration and confusion.

Sometimes . . . sometimes even sikaurai cries.

*blinks* WELL, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT! sikaurai is scampering off to catch the final episode of Samurai7 on YouTube. I'm getting out of here before anybody mistakes me for DEEP. LATERZ. . .

My japanese name is ”Ñ–ì Iino (rice field) ŽO�ç‘ã Michiyo (three thousand generations).
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