Wednesday, February 27, 2008

   i am neither here or there...

song-killing-korn though i m not in a mood to listen to that...sooo, it is now nemo-nightwish mood-it's bizzare grr, i can't get into my facebook. how irritating TT.TT hmm...it seems that posting on here `i don't fancy alex` is jinxed !! cause everytime that i DO put it, some time after, something's happened and i'm back to liking him. i also damn nat (a girl i work with) for being right in this instant. you can't get over someone you love in the click of a finger. well, you can, if you're lucky...but it's ridiculuolsy hard to stay that way. in a sence, i had moved on, i was over him...but i found the problem with what i was doing... in trying to get over him, i was looking for an excuse to bury the feelings for him deep away with everything else...and it worked. until i had reiki. and the best way for me to explain reiki healing is to go onto wikipedia and find a summary, as i suck at explanations! (woop woop i am on facebook! but only so far as my homepage -.- ) Reiki teachings state that there is a universal "life force" energy, which can be accessed by practitioners to induce a healing effect. It is claimed by believers that anyone can gain access to this energy by means of an attunement process carried out by a Reiki Master. The belief is that the energy will flow through the practitioner's hands whenever the hands are placed on, or held near a potential recipient, who can be clothed. Some teachings stress the importance of the practitioner's intention or presence in this process, while others claim that the energy is drawn by the recipient's injury to activate or enhance the natural healing processes. Going further, the belief is that the energy is "intelligent", making diagnosis unnecessary. A second level of training, including another initiation, is said to equip the practitioner to perform Reiki treatments from a distance. This method, it is stated, involves the use of special symbols to form a temporary connection between the practitioner and the recipient, regardless of location, and then to send the Reiki energy. Techniques are also taught whereby Reiki can be sent to a specific point in time, either in the past or the future. The energy involved in a Reiki treatment is said to be "from the Universe", rather than the personal energy of the practitioner, and is therefore inexhaustible. (Some teachings say that the energy enters the practitioner through the crown chakra at the top of the head, before being emitted from the hands.) As a consequence, Reiki practitioners are taught that they can treat themselves with Reiki. Reiki is also used by practitioners as preventative medicine, as it is claimed that the energy encourages healing before any noticeable symptoms have emerged. Another consequence of the simplicity of Reiki is that it can be taught to children. Some teachers state that if, on some level, the intended recipient does not wish to be healed, the energy will not flow. Reiki is described by adherents as a holistic therapy which brings about healing on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels. It is said that healing may occur in any or all of these domains in a single treatment, without any conscious direction needed by either the practitioner or the recipient. that's possably not the greatest help ever...it makes no sence to me! hmm.. well anyway, when i went away to Hoar Cross Hall in Staffordshire with college, i had a reiki treatment done and it left me feeling sooo bizzare! and i haven't as such picked up either! when i was having the treatment done, the first things i saw were a pair of huge, beautiful wooden doors opening onto a large grassy garden with an old cheery blossom tree in full (pink) bloom and all i wanted to di was go and sit under it, but everytime i got close to the doors, i was somewhere else! (apparently that's how to regress and see into past lives and i'm not ready for it-i asked my one lecturer who i now know is a reiki master) after the dorrs, i'd be walking down steps all the time-wooden steps, stone steps, natural steps...and always back to the doors!1 it was like a vicious circle. i also saw what i cna only think of as camera flashes and then i could ehre bells ringing (my mate thinks i'll be getting married against my thoughts) and also a really sharp pain in my ovaries! so my mate siad i was going to get pregnant. that is also wierd because i never want to marry, never want to have kids and yet, i had all the flashing, bells and pain going on and then i saw a girl who i can only assume is my daughter! (she;'s exactly how i would want a daughter to be if i had one) she had my facial structure, hair colour and skin colour, only the rest of her was alex, who i'm not over. her eyes were a brillinat blue though, so that'spossably a throwback feature cause my eyes are silver and his are brown. but with this girl, i don't know her name, but i first saw her when she was about 10 and she looked at me with short hair, then at the saem time, i oculd see her studying hard for what looke dlike university and she had long hair tied in a ponytail! whilst i was in this state, i also saw my therapists guardian angel, not mine, hers! i was thinking nothing, seeing nothing, but i had my eyes closed and i could see my therapists, which was wierd. and suddnely, this girl came up to my therapist and looke dlike she was kissing her on the cheek, only i think she was whispering something to her because i suddenly felt a pressure on my hand that was warm and i could see my therapist shaking her head and moving slighlty. to prove to myself i wasn't going mad, i opened my eyes again and my therapist had moved! the angel had dark brown hair with blonde streaks and was quite short. she aslo had pale skin and brilliant green eyes. i know that what i saw is real though, and will happen in some cases because i've only ever been in a deep meditative state once before and i saw things crystal clearly and remebered all the details afterwards and out of what i saw then, it's all happened apart from one thing, and i don't think what i saw last will happen quick as it's a dark image, one of death. also when i was having reiki done, i felt tingling all over...and also felt like i wa sin the sea where the body gets moved this way and that with no control. when my therapist was working around my feet, i could also feel someone touching my head and stomache which was bizzare, i kept opening my eyes to see if my therapist was still at my feet! at the end of the session when i was talking to her, she said she could see colours, which she couldn't see with everyone. i had a lemon, goldish colour over my stomache and we both said `like the colour of the sun at midday at st ives`. well, she said it just as i was about to. i also had a pale, watercolour violet over my crown chakra which (as i asked my lecturer aobut colours just now) means i am quite open to universal channels and have a lot of spirituality, which i think is why i cna see the future and my mate can't! after the treatment, and still, i feel like my spirit isn't fully attatched to my body. i don't think it was. i knew where i was going, but i kept falling into walls and tripping over nothing! the treatment also has me feeling al lthe emotions i have supressed for soo many years as well as the recent feelings (like loving alex) that i put away. i don't want to go back to work now either, not at tescos. on saturday before i went away, my one manager had ago at me for fucking up, which is fair enough. i don't know what was happening in my mind, but for ages i find it hard to think straight, and my manager took me out the back, gave me a disciplinary tlak and all that, and at the end she siad `well is there any point me tlaking to you? you're just stood there like you don't care and not listening to me` and i replied with `well, i am listening and paying attention, but if i show emotion, i will cry so she went on with `i don't see what's making you want to cry` and she said it so unthinkingly! so i replied `i'm going throuhg a shit time right now` (lord knows where that came from, think i'm aobut breaking point for coping with everything in life atm...don't know) and she siad `well, what ever happens outside of work stays outside of work, it has nothing to do with here` which at that point i couldn't stop crying so when she let me go i went to the toilet and hid in there to try and sort myself out and of all demons, the bell rung so, still not exactly stable, i went back out front and stood serving people, putting the mask back on until i didn't need to cry again. however on the mini-bus back from staffordshire i started crying again because i don't want the stress i get from work again. i shake madly half the time, fuck up all the time because i have so much going on, and i alreday think the managers want to fire me for the mistakes i make, and i don't mean them! the manager who always tells me off said `you've had training, so you know what you're doing` well, what i had cannot be classed as training cause i got let on the tills and served people. that's it! i didn't get told what we could or couldn't do, so i find it out now when i get disciplinary after disciplinary. i heard my one manager saying `she does this every week...` and the dorr was closed at that point. i also get disciplinaries about my absents. i don't LIKE going off sick, but whatever's wrong with me means i sometimes have to, because i don't see how, in that state of body, i am of any use at work! so now i find myself going to work pretending to be all fine when i'm really not and i don't know how much longer i can froce myself into someone else. becuase now, after the reiki, everything's on the surface and it's not going to take much to push me over. i already want to leave my job because th eonly favours it's doing me is helping me meet new people and earn money. but at what cost? i don't earn enough on the days i do so i hav eno money left after three days of being apyed because i pay for college stuff, pay some money to mum to help with bills and debts and and then, whatever small amount is left, i spend on myself! so like this week, i have £6 left and i owe out £60 pounds!! but i can't ask mum to borrow becuase i know she dosn't have it herself and i daren't ask dad because i know full well he'll just rant and most likley kick me out the house. driving lessons are again, a thought for next month because i had to by everything i need until summer this month myself as well as more college stuff! i hate owing money out, and i ahte it even more when i know i can't pay it out, even though i jsut got payed. it's screwey and i feel like everyone's gonna be against me because of it soon! well, i think i've ranted enough on here now... on positive notes... alex has actualy approved my freindship on facebook 0.0 shock of shocks, i signed in and ther was `alex has been tagged...` / `alex has written on...` practicaly ALL the way down my homepage on facebook and i sat thinking `well has he approved me then?` which was a stupid question! he is, however, still in a relationship. but i added him on msn too now lmao i also put weight on!! i managed to put 1/2 a stone on when i went away cause i was eating, no word of a lie, 11 meals a day!! well, three meals with between three and four courses, but to me, one course is a meal in normal standards! my skin has also cleared up from the invasion of spots cause i got up at 8am, went for a swim in the saltwater pool, had breakfast at 9am, went into the detox center up until lunch (which has a sauna, saunarium, steam room, kneipp and an assortment of cold/hot showers) and then had lunch, had my treatment done and then went back into the swim area, sat in the jacuzzi for half an hour, jumped into the plunge pool, dried off and went into the chlorine pool area and sat in the aromatherapy room until too many people came in (the aromatherapy room is like the steam room, but with oils infused into the steam) and then went into the sauna for 10-20 mins before getting out and scrubbing myself all over with ice. sounds mad, but it's sheer bliss and helps with the skin! we also got to walk around the stately home in swimwear and a towelling room all day! apart from dinner, we could wear whatever we liked and walk around barefoot! so, i was blissed out and everything, but now i've come back and the stresses of life which i left behind are knocking on my door already *sigh* i also have my first exam on monday, which i haven't revised for, and an assignment in for monday, which i'm about a third of the way through...AND WORK ALL THIS WEEKEND! god i'd love it if one of my managers said `you don't have to wrk this friday as your cover is sorted` but i somehow don't think fate, which has been forever against me, will now play into my hands and give me an extra day. ah well, cest la vi!! pip pip everyone, and thanks again for the comments!! X-♥-X

Comments (2) | Permalink