Birthday • 1990-08-19 Gender •
Female Location • Member Since • 2007-01-13 Occupation • Real Name •
Personal
Achievements • written two books, one of which is hopefully being published early next year ~ finished studying NVQ Level 3 Beauty Therapy ~ Run 3 Businesses Anime Fan Since • November 05 Favorite Anime • ~ PHD (phantasy Degree) ~ Bleach ~ .hack//SIGN ~ .hack//Legend of the Twilight Bracelet ~ Love Hina ~ Final FantasyVampire Knight Death Note
Goals • businesses =) Hobbies • travelling learning languages writing art and walking Talents • walking.... writting, fashion, art
myOtaku.com: silver star rose
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
can't hope it all away, can't scratch it all away, cna't scream it all away, it just won't fade away
mood-down song-wash it all away
Hmm...*deletes old post of three lines* I¡¯ve commented people...maybe not enough...the usual i guess...i don¡¯t know. I seem to live in confusion.
ok Emmah, I don't want to seem like I am copying you with writing a post on depression, I just want to get my heart down again...it seems to clear my mind for a short time...just a short time...
So...endometriosis and the verdict¡¦I spoke to a consultant at the Gynea...and he thinks I most likely do have it, but he is not sure yet. So, the next date is 14th November where I¡¯m gonna have keyhole surgery.
That time of moth is really starting o get me down. None of my medication works so it's just. Stupid. I hate me right now. i really do want to make friends with a knife but I won't because I enjoy life too much when it's ok.
The thing is, I am starting to forget what total okness is¡¦not just periods of laughter and happiness that last a couple of days...but months on end of feeling fine...I don't know what it¡¯s like anymore...
Alex...well, nothing has changed...so I won't right more again here. I just love him too much and i wish I didn't. And I wish I cud see him again. Which is a bad thing...
Birthday. Well that was a waste. it rained all day and my period was fucking up the swanny. I felt ill, I was in pain and my head never once stopped spinning i tried grinning and bearing it but it only lasted an hour or so...then I felt like a waste of space, like I shouldn't be there because I was down...but i shouldn't have been.
And this time last year, there was nothing wrong with me. no endometriosis lurking around the corner, no love, no pain...nothing, just arrogant ignorance I guess
I just wish my luck would change now. i feel like I¡¯m in the way, like I shouldn't feeling like this.
I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, i have no reason t be depressed, and yet, i just want to die right now.
I don't get it. life¡¯s a mystery and now I¡¯m gonna leave.
Xx
emmah: sorry i bug you so much, i really am sorry XXX
"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the answer is always there."
(Can't wash it all away)
(Can't Wish it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
(Can't cry it all away)
The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual
Shame we idolize
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth
my final time
"We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone
"You're not alone, are you?"
"Never... Never."
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
(Can't fight it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away
"But the answer is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."
"Because I'm tired of it too."
"Because I'm tired of it too."
"Because I'm tired of it too."
"Because I'm tired of it too."
"Because I'm tired of it too."
well, ja matte ne everyone *hugs*
questions:
1) how do you know if you re in love?
2) how can you pull yourself out of love?
i think i am in love with a memory, i do not know...if only i could see you again then i know the answers would be there.
song-blue-the one angel zakuro had but itunes is giving me blocks instead of letters... mood-so so very tierd...
i am so tierd because..i hanv't slept since last night...ie i dind't sleep the night we just had..it as the one before it...i didn't sleep last night. this paragraph makes nos ence does it? i did an unintentioanl all nighter i htink woudl be a good one here...
i don't know why i didn't drop off...i jsut didn't.
well, i am now 17 *skips tierdly around hte room* and..i feel no different to yesturday..i can jsut drive now. that's the only plus really.
i did drive today...*coughs* that is, i got told to sit in my cousins car and reverse it....4 stalls later, i reversed it...hten she had to frantically tunr the streering weel cause i was confused...and then i jumped on the break harshly so we jsut stopped...i gave up at this point!
i ccould rant here. there's a whole lot to say about alex..but since nohting has changed it's jsut me ranting..i won['t, i am going to bed now. ja ne! xx
roseeyes: hello!! sorry,was menat ot say htat last time..*hugs* my brains is jsut... _________ right mow... don't worry about hte song..don't lt it take up your time hun!! xx
ruckles: that is a good image!! i still feel donwsy..but hat does never fail to make me laugh!!!!
angel zakuro: thansk or eveyting X¢¾X
kaisap: *shudders* cold shower would be the death of me!! *Laughs* i have to have it scolding hot jsut to relax the muscle!!
emmah: i love you, that's all i'm gonna say. i am too tierd..and you will be readnig this tomrow with the mror yof tierdness... XX
ok, first off, i am on uber limited time...AGAIN. (you knw, i really can't wiat for the folks to go to Dom Rep ceuase then i'll have time to do stuff...i hanv't even been able to watch bleach recently. htat's how bad it is. emmah will be OVERTAKING ME any day now...) um yes anyway...so i am sorry i havn't hardly comemtned anyone. AGAIN. this is really anoying me TT.TT but i proimcie i wil lcoment you all when hter eis time. ie when dad has a meeting...hopefully there is one soon. tomorow would be nice.
so today...got eh results...i did sh*tty!! TT.TT art-E
textiles-D
genral studies-U (this being the exam that is impossablt to fail....)
and i didn't see alex at all. ok i could have done, but my bro was going to worcs, and i was like `well, i am not being a compelete numpty and staying in school for hours on end to see if i MIGHT see somoene...so i went with him. and it was fun ^^ i found elfen lied DVDs. that has made me tres happy. and my bro brought me a drink and we talked...and i helped him by clothes and got mistaken for his girlfreind. AGAIN.
ooh, and the reason i am hurting muchos is that time of month..and friggin codeine isn't working. i am too young for this medicine aparently, and it isn't working. well what bliggign hope do i have? absolutly none. merde.
and to add insult to injury..i CRIED today. about the fact i won't see alex agian. how pahtetic can one get? i got home and just cried...then i had to ring emmah mid cry becuase she'd rung me but i'd missed it...
so i am a pained, emo, retardely limited time on the internet person. someoen give me a ray of sunhsine hope pleeeeeeeeeeeeease...
emmah: know, that bit about alex, gina, everyone knowing etc etc...that was true. confusing, but true.
angel zakuro: no it dosn't have to be so long at all
ok, spoke to hte consultant yesturday...about the infirtility possabiltiy problem..i have benign apathetic condition. yes i know what that means... -.^ but anyhoo, my condition has got worse...that would be about the only thing i understood...and that i have to have keyhole surgery a) to see if i do have endometreosis and b) if it is there, they will vaporise it if it is small enough..or i get put on medication... oh and they're gonna do a scan to see if there is anything else...so, 14th november is the enxt big date for atm...
ok, one thing out the way..
results day tomorow...and it's stupid. i have stopped CARINg about my results..i'm jsut...scared now..because i may see alex..and it will be 1) 2 months since i last saw him and 2) it will be the last time i ever see him...and i don't know what i want to want...to see him again? to not see him again? to speka to him? i'm so confused. my hands are glittery. how did htat happen? oh well. i can't beleive i won't ever see him again and i have fallen so far in love with him. found a picture (or several) on a mates bebo..and my heart just flew out the window. aaaaaaargh
why have i fallen so in love with him? i can't belevie it. it's stupid. i've never even spoken to him and he has a girlfreind. I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW...ok..i'm not being emo...emmah you emo understander...explain my mood to me. now. oh damn you've jsut gone. bugger.
gods. never though there'd be a day i said `my computer is faster than the library cmputers` but there you go.
yes-the plan-i write my post down the library today (now) and comment later...haha i had loads to say but now i can't reemeber what i was gonna say. how useless am i??
*replies to comments whilst trying to reemeber*
oh yeah first off: kaisap: really sorry about that bad commetn last ngiht, i literlaty managed to start commetning and my dad was revering up the drive TT.TT
emmah: yeah you commeted my post..but only `I don't have a chance with Aaron either. He'd never go for someone like me, y'know?` which isn't really commenting it....good greif this will be MY post, replying to your commetn!
yes, it is one or the other. grr. hence why i am now making a habit of using the library to write my post...
robin's not gonna be good enough..hence why i am not fancying him now..alex one over again. grr. MINE'S GETTING OUT OF HNAD?? LOOK AT YOU YOU FOOL!!
they may not be abole to find my problem on tuesday as i have found out, the lveoly auntie mildred is COMING TO STAY ON SUNDAY. meaning i may have to go back again like...half a year later or something stupid like that *grabs codeine*
i still wanted my As though...
hence why i was upset when mrs C told me i wouldn't be able to continue! if you reember that lvoely nicident on the becn resulting in you storming off, me storming out of scholl and poor laura being left inthe middle...
i thought so..it's jsut i get scared sometimes!!! see what that bitch did to me? *hugs*
*waits till saturday* that means a hugathon will also be recorded...tehe
mmm saturday. can we get alex to come in? oo-er...
angel zakuro: i will try to cheer up! *hugs* and thanks ^^
hisakata chan~: haha i'm glad someone else agrees with me on that subject *laughs* yup, she is one annoying woman at times!
and you arn't bad at making freinds!! i'm your freind!! *hugs* and i'm sure there's many others!!
i hate my mind. me and my subconcious NEVER get on. grr.
kaisap: *cuddles back* thanks =) we're all having bad times atm *sighs* think it's just rubbing off on each other atm grr...well, previousdly more like anyhoo *laughs*
antyway..the comment...haha i have 17 minutes left on this computer...which happen to be the 17 minutes i need to get home. oh joy. dinner's gonna be cold tonight like last night *rolls eyes*
well, i am in a classical music mood atm lmao.
sarah brightman-captain nemo. i shall have to change my song later...tehe
urm..oh yeah, i had another dream of alex...this time it defo had elements of truth n it!!
this time, i was walking a long station road and he was driving so he offered me a lift and asked me if i wanted to listen to daved guetta's album which had jsut come out...so i put it in the CD player and we started talking about Pussy Cat Dolls (yes emmah, nothing sexual as i'm sure youi were thinking to begin with...) and i sadi `they've done a video for hot stuff/i want you back haven't they?` and i woke up without remebering ANY fo that, neither did i know anything about david guetta's album or PCD's new video...
so, went to town to meet my dad and gran, then scooted off to tescos where i bought cosmopolitan and iw as jsut flick,ing the the reviews section when david guetta's album caught my eyes and i laughed ridiculously loudly and some person opposite my car looked up with `quoi?` written all over her face...but i styill didn't remeber the bit about PCD until i was watching the TV in the afternooon and there was an advertisment about a new club album and they showed a bit fo the video for hot stuff and i laughed again...haha shame the bit with alex isn't reall though *sniffs*
and that reminds me of other things...i need to stop daydreaming with my eyes closed whislt walking through town..i odn't even realise i'm doing it which is the amusing thing!!
i was walking at the first time down by the river and jsut coming into town where there was a man on a bijke infront of me and i was daydremaing aobut alex (enough sad, i'm sure you can imagine) and i opened my eyes and the blokes was talking to me!!
then this morning whislt walking into town, it was the same again, only it was a driver who saw me about to cross the road with my eyes closed *laughing fit* i seriously must look so retarded...and my dad always tells me fof for `walking around with my eyes shut` hahahaa
well, i must scoot now...*is listening to some more sarah brightman* i shall leave you a video of hers i think....
enjoy and if my plan works, i'll comment you all AT LAST later tonight ^^
if not, there is goi ng to be some serious merde...
Now I¡¯m in this condition,And I got all the symptoms,Of a girl with a broken heart,But no matter what,You¡¯ll never see me cry
mood-annoyed song-cry-rihanna
emmah: pheh. i wanted you to comment it PROPERLY as supposed to just one sentacne about you lmao...i needed love at this point you know!
ok, i am annoyed becuase for thelast half an hour, i have had to put u[p with mum going `you should come off their you know` `don't be on their to long will you?` `i'm going to leave the door open is that ok?` `oh i just closed the window` `are you coming off soon?¬ I MEAN GEESUs WOMAN GIMME A BREAK THIS IS THE FIRST TIME DAD HAS BEEN AT A MEEITN GIN YONKS AND YOU'RE KICK ING ME OFF?? this is doing my head in. oh yeah and i am bored of going `u-huh` oh it appened again. the cats are down. wow. so amused i fell off my chair. not. for goodness sake leave and go to work already!!!
the cats arn't even DOWN HERE!! what the blazes is she on about?
godsi feel like a right stalker now. my love for alex is stupid now. (mother is at a torrent of comment ONCE again. she was going to work half an hour ago you know...) anyway carrying on...i have had to inadvertenly add someone i don't know on bebo becuase i'm trying to work out why his girlfreind is having a bad time and why dhe's worred. good grief.
hmm...the general moods not good right now anyway...i have the gynae next week on tuesday so i get to find out if soemthing is wrong (hopefull, but then auntie mildred's paying a visit so i'll probably have to go back another time-i can't wait any longer-i need to know now) i have my As results come out the thursday and i know i've failed. i completely screwed up textiles and my art teachr (ex) already said i wouldn't get a good enough grade for A2 level. *sniffs*
then on top of that...urhf no one kill me...thanks to two OLd mates i had through year 10/11, i have a fear that freinds don't trust me or something..or that they don't want me there. and i'm not poiting fingers at anyone...*makes this direct* but emmah/laura: am i really your mate?? there are times i feel like i shouldn't be there and i get scared of being dumped again. and i hate feeling like i'm n the way XX
i could rant for ages. but i won't becuase i want to commetn people asni only have 10 mins left TT.TT
but i really just need a huge cuddle right now
i heard the words come out,i felt like i would die
mood-worse than yesturday song-<>wash it all away-evanescence
yesturdays post which never made it here...
on a good note, we have two new kittens =) they're called Rolls and Royce (mother's incredibly original naming idea...ok so my cousin came up with Fish and Chips...) but they are brothers and practicaly identical *laughs at me and emmah* they're grey with black stripes down the back and then kinda...spots down the side which arn't spots...they have spotty bellies though! and they are tres cute!! i lobe Rolls...he's the daring one that's come to me...Royce is shy bless him!! but Rolls scratches *covers wrist* i had the joy of diggin them out of my bed yesturday when i came home unsupectingly!! lmao and i have four nice scratches on my wrist from trying to pull him out.
so then in the evening, Rolls came and sat with me which i thought was quite sweet, Royce kinda of cowerded under the table between me and dad most hte time but eventualy went and explored the lounge...
and today i had Rolls trying to steal my prawn salad at lunch time...then when dad managed to lure him off to the kitcen with cat food, Royce came up behind me on the chair and biffed me repeatedly before skulking off to the kitchen! i mena what am i? their new biff-bag or something??
urm...so...onto relationships i guess...not sure quite what happened..ok it screwed up. i know that...it just didn't exactly work out because we had way too many differences...it was kinda hard to have a conversation where we agreed on something..and then...he split with me..though i didn't find out till TWO days later *feels like a fool* and then, someone's left a message on my answer phone saying `your brother's a fool, your all virgins and you have gay hair` and it was on wihtheld number so i think it might have been him as he awlays calls wiht a withheld number...i'm not sure. in which case, if it was him, i am going to beet the shit into him when i see him for insulting my familly.
oh yeah, and he said it was nothing to do with my hair we split up..right..well if it was him....why did he say that?
i don't care or anything, i'll do what i like with my hair and not give two shits if someone's against it so long as i keep my job!
i won't point the finger yet, cause i dunno who it was. but i can only think it's him.
hmm...and then there's alex....no standing relationship with him as that would make it sound. i thought i was compeltley over him...again...one whole day of no thoughts on him. none at all. even when i lay in bed daydreaming, it wasn't him i thought of...and then i had a dream about him again last night...looking ever so slightly different to how he did last time i saw him...like, slightly longer hair...but that was the only difference really...and it only lasted three seconds...but now i can only think of him. it is tres annoying when it happens...i'm never even gonna see the short bastard with a girlfreind again so why the hell can't i just fucking get over him?
urh...then there's the twin fandango...i fancied aaron, emmah fancied robin. that was fine...then we switched and i now fancy robin and she fancies aaron. that is also fine. but i come to the same problem here as with alex. i have no chance with them in high hell...but then even if i did..i'm so compeltely in love with alex would it be worth the risk?? i've already fucked up two relationships because of my feelings to him and they jsut WON'T GO AWAY. no matter how hard i try.
and i generaly feel even worse for fancying hte short bastard again today. grr. on a plus note, i don't hink i fancy robin. good.
grr now mum's telling me to come off.
WHTY DO I ONLY GET ONE LAME ASS HOUR WHICH IS NEVER ENOUGH GOD DAMNIT??! ok, i promcie i'll do comemtning next time i'm online *hugs everyone* i canae belvie this *cries* i never get anyrthing done, just aout get a post done and neve rhave time to comment peole. i feel so bad about it all the time and i cna't change any of it either unless dad goes to a meeting
song-they're coming ot tak me away ha ha i can't be bothered to tell you who it's by as i don't know...emmah does though... mood-mumf
my stomcahce is resenting the overload in jelly beans..wasn't intentional..i unsuspectingly came across the chillie pepper flavoured one thinkin it was apple and had to shovel allowed in to dowse the flames...
hmm...well, this HAs to bee seen!!
yup, tis the saem song as my profile... but that's how i found out about it...*lauughs*
well well, today was awesome..0of course it was i was working with hte sexy robin.
what makes it so so hilarious is the fact that i was horning for aaron and emmah was horning for robni...and we both swapped who we were horning for...at the saem time...and we only found out today and ended up laughin like loons at it (which we do normaly anyway...)
oh good greif, i jsu thad a heart attack! i was chaning song on Itunes...and then, went to click it to mini player, but i accidentaly pressed the home button ony the net browser..and i thought i'd lsot the post! but it's ok, it's still here...
emmah-you do realise i was thinking of you at work, adn his crazy old man came in and i had such an urge to steal your saying and go `tattey-bye!` at him don't you?? thankfuly, i manged `unrgseeyouthen` lmao
well, i still lobe alex.
too much.
but i still dunno what to do about my BF...this is crazy and ridiculous and crazy and i'm wondernig if there's any point me pursuing a relationship as htis is the longest lastng one so far at...one and a half monhts *rolls eyes*
well, toodleloo!
modit:
simply cause i'll want this link again...urm..if anyone particually wants the wallaper i have.or any other lord of the rngs ones.. (?)
song-they're taking the hobits to isenguard mood-devious if that's the right one...
ok, my hair is shoooooooooooort, but not short enough...it still won't spike...i want it SHORTER!!! but i still havn't got pictures up here, so next post will have pictures i promice!!
ok the song just changed and now i'm listennig to `they're coming to take me away haha...` lmao same song really...and i think he's scottish...is he emmah?
hmm...well, for people wih imaginations, my hair is like fred weasley's hair in the....third film.
haha and i worked out why i got headaches!! because my hir was so heavy..urm..don't ask why, but we ened up wieghing my hair after it was chopped off...and it was 11 grams!!!
ok...myo is finally working for me again..i can see your updates so i intend to comment you all ^^
hmm...so i've been ofline for a few days..and so i have NO idea on what is going on...
i know i talked about the floods...probably next time i'm online, i'll have the photos from it...that is they're on my laptop upstairs and i am being very lazy and reall can't be arsed with going upstairs to burn them to a disk to bring them down here after waiting for the slow thing to load up...
um..so about the subject line...people who have read my posts befroe now probably know jsut what's coming...
what the HELL do you do when you have a boyfreind, but you find you don't really fancy him...there jsut seems to be so many differences that, when you're in a relationship, you just don't know how you got together...
and then what do you do if someone you thought, you swore to god, you were voer...what if he comes back to mind stronger than before??
and what more do you do when both of htat has happened and someone else walks into your life when you're already half astray? (i don't mean i'm cheating here)
what do you do??
oh sand htere's the ditsance and working meaning you never get to see the other half...
do ou stay going out with them and pray it's just a blip?
what if you can't talk to the BF...how can you explain what's going on?
i don'tknow what to do and that is what is running through my head...
i'll apreaciate any help you guys can give me!!
onto another note...you know i dye my hair?
*laughs*
i am now having it cut SHORT short and dyed not-so-bright red...it was going to be phone box red...but i couldn't get it..so it's dark red..but it WILL be bright red next time...and by short, i'm getting it BOY hair short short...so...it shall be amusing to see how it turns out lmao i'll put pictures up when it's done if people want to see it??
hmm....work was tres and bloody more amusing last ngiht!! a drnk came in..well, he was jsut slightly tipsy type drunk, but me and laura ended up having a complete laughing fit which resulted in me going `would you like a bottle with that?` to the next customer...
and then me and emmahw ere singign `nelly the elephant...` at one point...it's madness!!! well, i shall leave you all in peace now
there was a yoda in the sky earlier...
blue by hikaru utada (stolen of angel zakuro lol)
ja ne!! xxx
modit
emmah, i really need to tlak to you tomorow..i need help..you AMy be able to give it me i don't know.
grr. well i am seeing you tomorow ANYway..but yeah...heeeeeeelp!!
