moodow, ow the pain ni my lower back TT.TT
songnot gonna get ustATu
er ling ling qi nian, san yue, er shi er ri.
that's today's date in ping yin the roman letters of chinese.
well. my back is ass raping me..ok that sounds dogy..rofl. it really hurts!! and i feel ill again TT.TT i think i'm coming down with whatever my mum and dad have had. oh sheer joyousness. i always wanted to be ill again didn't i? not. *shakes fist*
and it's raining again like it always does in england *sighs*
so....i shall start with yesturday's post as i wasn't on a computer AT all...i shall come back to meaning of my subject later on
on monday, the lady i'm making a dress for came over so i could check to see it all fits and stuff, and she's also a councellor (she's a CI at ATC, htat's how i know her) and out of curiousity, i asked her what my room said about me. *has to remeber it all*
she said *whilst looking around* that it meant i was a strong person with a hidden side. there was a spirutal side to me, i was full of fantasy and htat there was so much of me hidden beneath the surface that no one knows.
the scary thing is, that was all friggin true!
then i showed her a picture of alex to see what she thought (even though she was my CI at cadets, we are close freinds outsdie fo it...even though we arn't supposed to me owing to some rule or other laid down by the RAF no doubt) and she said that there was a lot of fantasy wrapped around him and cause he was older than me it was obvious why i liked him and stuff, and cause of the `being a councellor` thing, i talked abotu hmi and his GF and she said she'd be able to say what was between them if she saw them and i showed her the ONLY picture i have..haha, it wasn't even me, that LAURA found of htem to togehter and she said that the girl wasn't paying him any attention and was all eyes for whovere was taking th epicture and that alex was either completely set on her or completely drunk (in the pic, he was holding a half drunk pint of sme beer/lager)
hmm...so i felt somewhat emotionaly beter about things for a while up to wednesday)(yesturday)
and somehow, i ddn't update yesturday..owing tthe no computer thing.
well, on omnday, me and emmah made a deal that if i smoked ANYTHING on wednesday (or was it tuesday we made the deal? then she would shout `ALEX! JANEY JANE WANT'S TO GET IN YOUR PANTS` across hte common room, so i definatly kept that deal up...all though i may as well sa not bothered casue we were tlaking about it...not exactly quietly so to speak and on eof his frinds walked passed...oops and bugger.
ok tuesady...*thinks* um...yes i kept up the bad habit act *cough cough* and fell in love with alex some more. *gloewr* why?? all thouhg the councellor lady did say that i'd only be able to get over him when someone better came a long. great. there IS no one better than him. *glower, cuss and shakes fist*
that's it really...
wednesday: well, i kept my end of the deal up and didn't smoke anything. not even on the sneak. whihc would be ahrd as i'd still wreak of smoke. oh well.
chinise was the usualy hoot as me and laura started talking about inapropriate dreams and stuff *nothing mentioned here* and we were all laughing...but to be honest, it was quite normal...the most random hting that cam eout was `yesturday, did you eat fish?` which was frmo me as i really couldn't translate hte sentance and i knew it was on about yesturdaya dn
yue is chinese for month OR fish...
train station...was boring....
back at schoolwe had a water fight..and gargled words...don't try gargling masticatoin..i choked myself when i said it and no one beleive me that t was the words ault. soemmah tried and SHE choked herslef...laura didn't try it.
ok. onto the meaning of my subject line:
nasicaly, owing to my bad habits...and three coming around....i saked emmah and laura to come with me for MORALE support so htey did..but i got them into it now...and i wish i hadn't because...emmah's not the problem..laura is..she wants more. and i know why.
i got into it because it takes away all feeling.
all thought...and now ew want more to get that feeling back...i know i can get off it cause i can control what i do.but i'mnot so sure wiht laura TT.TT
hmmm *runs upstairs to grab folder*
*is back a minute later panting away*
if everything was just sa simple,
as one simple breath,
...inhale deeply and all through
breath out slowl...savouring it all-
that putrid smell and bittersweet taste,
no one would bleed.
why i do it you ask...
are you worried for me?
no...but are you secretly curious?
there's a certain feeling,
that's what it is-
emotionless.
totally numb to the world,
no thouhgts or fantasies fo him,
to distract or hurt me so deep.
no thoughts of emotions...
freedom from the shackles of humanity.
that's what this is all about.
hmm..so anyway....nothing has happened today really...it is only second period....
questions:
1) do you have any bad habits? what are they?
2) do you dream in black and white or colour?
3) do you meditate?
angel zakuro: yeah, i raher suck at french..i did it one year and spent hte year after being kicked out of he lessons simply cause the teacher didn't like me...haha...i'll rember hat though!
kikitink: thanks for yor msn, i'll add you later ^.^ *hugs*
talim of hte wind: urgh, sand sandwhihc...eew!! *hugs*
ok..i really can't think what elso to annoy y'all with for now so i'll modify later...maybe...
BLEACH!!
sabai sabai *hugs everyone*
oh i just remembered...i had two vivid dreams about aex last nigt *shakes fist* but they'd be highly censored tob e put up here..i shan't delve into them this time around!! XP
oh oh!! laura hath jsut reminded me!!!! haha, i was gawping at alex...as i do quite often, and i tripped over a chair!! *pmsl* gods it was hilarious..thsankfully, he didn't see it..but still, everyone ELSE did!
modit
oh oh!! full bleach for once!! *skips around the room*
anyhoo...well, today was compleltey crazy today after writting the post..so i shall now fill you in...if you want..
well, i hand't seen alex as such this morning...before this post was written..well, dumbest thing earlier- i walked into the common room, and i saw him..standing talking..and for some reason, my head stated fixated on him whilst my body walked across the common room (vair vai bad mistake) and just as is was thinkin i really shouldn't look at him..i tripped over a chair..full on nt flying..though laura asures me he DIDN't see...please say he didn't...
well, after that...emmah wanted a party ring so i gave her my locker key on hte understadning she wouldn't gorge on them..as i have a whol bucket in my locker currently..and she said she didn't know what number my locker was so i got up to go and she wouldn'tgive my key back so i stepped after her but she wouldn't give it to me..and i nearly fell ino alex..oh the joy..hten i ran after emmah...in socks...and slid horizontaly around a table and then flew into the door...
ok..so that was MY embarrasment out of the way...
emmah had a crazy moment when he was at the venders cause we were all talking normaly and she was drinking her water and all of a sudden, she blurts out `oops, i just dribbled` and looked at alex... *laughs at emmah* you moose...
um..oh yeah, i was carrying out my bad habit act at hte style after going to summerfield with practicaly everyone..haha no joke, there were 7 of us and i've never been out of school with that many people!!
yes, and there i was being all innnocent and alex came and joined us with a load of his mates..including a guy i used to fancy..oh the joy of that...
he saw it. everything. the bad habits. oh crapp. he's no better. ha.
i'll shush now ^.^
sabai ¢¢®¡×ú
