song-october-evanescence
mood-sick
quote of the day:
if you have reasons for loving someone, you're using your mind.
if you don't have reasons for loving someone, you're using your heart.
first off...I am gonna stick to what I think I said in the last post...I’m gonna do a hugeish post today...and if I can comment tonight, I will, if not, I promise I will comment tomorrow night when I come online...is that ok?
Hello again...
Ok...my mood...well it's like a pendulum so to speak...
I will try to remember all I have tried to post here before...
There was a dream I had...about being in Penzance in Cornwall...I was standing at the sea front with long silver hair (yeah, I have a thing about long hair….) with my brother and dad, and the sea level was rising with every wave…so I jumped in to see how deep it was, only, when I came up, I was drowning, it had risen so much more and when I surfaced I was next to Alex (who I fancy) and I just said `Alex, I think I’m gonna drown` and grabbed his neck and he held on to me until the sea dropped a bit and he kinda pulled me onto a roof of a building…and then there was this bouncy castle out to sea (yes, out to sea) and we were like we’re gonna have to get on it aren’t we? soooooo, when the sea continued rising, me and Alex (also now joined with Gareth, Rob, Gina (Al’s mates) and fleur, and we all swam out to this bouncy castle and sat on it while England sunk and we munched on crisps before all falling asleep.
When we woke up, were on an island and Emmah and Laura were on it…randomly… and we all looked at each other and built houses in the trees like they do in that film where they’re all on this island…urm...Swiss family Robinson. That’s the badger…
And then I woke up!
Hmm…I’ve seen Alex twice more…I wanted to say that in my last post…
The first time was just in passing-me Emmah and Laura were down the park like normal, and I looked, and I could see him so I said to Laura who was in the middle `that Alex?` and she said `I think so, I recognise the sunglasses` and Emmah said `hellOO Mr Alex` quite loudly so I sprinted off down the path…laughing like normal…and then realised I had to walk back that way…thankfully, him and the mates he were with were LEAVING by this point so I was walking behind them (gods does Al have a nice ass) and his mate (who I have recently had an embarrassing encounter with…) kept looking round at me...oh joy...and I forgot Alex was getting in his car, so, still grinning, I looked n a window and there was Alex…I just looked away subtly and pretended nothing had happened…
Ok, the embarrassing encounter with his mate. Aiden.
He is actually really hot, and me being me, tried fancying him to get over Alex. Didn’t work. Mean while, I told the CSO (community support officer) to tell Aiden that `one of the girls down the park thinks he was hot` which he did...only they knew it was me. Grr. So I have covered that one up by pointing out to Smeage (yup, he is officially called that by everyone) to tell Aiden I DON’T fancy him...
Emmah, you no longer have permission to say ANYTHING, but since I know you, you may say SOME things, just not something that will kill me. That’s already happened…
Ok, the other encounter with Alex has left me ill. Yes. ILL. WORSE THAN BEFORE!!!
Folk night last night…it was SO GOOD!!!
Only, Zoë, my little friend (she’s not little, I just no her as that for some unknown reason…) she was singing, and she has a really pretty voice...so that, the fosters I was drinking (lager) and the really lively tune before that left my legs aching from all the tapping my foot along to the music…it was all therapeutic…and hen, while Zoë was singing `so just hang your roses upside down` *mental note-find that song* (Emmah, I bet you’ve already guess what’s gonna happen haven’t you?) Alex walked passed the window (cause he was coming to folk night…) and he looked in...maybe at me, not entirely sure (i.e. why would he look at me?) …but my stomach did to really quick back flips consecutively and I felt quite ill...but my stomach settled…
Bit later, the guys in front of me left and I saw Rob( al’s mate) coming over and thought `sh*t sh*t al’s gonna be sitting in that chair in front of me…` yup, he did. Oh the joy…and I needed to pee and owing to my look…I would have tripped over him if I tried moving…so I stayed sat there for an hour with my legs crossed looking passed him and the people singing away (one hell of a bloody achievement, I don’t think anyone caught the brief glimpses at him…)
At one point, he looked at the window and again it looked like he was looking at me (there was such a look in his eyes) and my stomach flipped out again and did not settle after that…
and then, fleur came in and I was `fleur, I need to talk…hint hint get me away from him…` so that was all good…but someone STOLE MY SEET WHILE I WAS RELEVING MYSELF SO I HAD TO SIT NEXT TO HIM!!!!! But thankfully I had Jesse to talk to. Which I did…and then I really quickly left for a wander to the park. One of many…, which mum, does not know about…
then, I was with Gareth and fleur, and we’re all having difficulties with who we fancy so we were all in the park together holding hands sharing the same silence and not saying anything…what surprised me is I was he only one that didn’t cry last night…I have no tears left…
so then I went back into the pub, and the song was `sorry I never heard you cry` and Gaz shouted `Oi where’s waxy?` (that would be al’s nickname Emmah, apparently he waxes out…I haven’t a clue so don’t ask me what waxing out would mean…possibly whitying out. It’s his job. Haha the powers of eavesdropping!) and I just sat thinking` I can’t sit here any longer…I can’t sit here any more and here that song with Alex sat just out of sight…` so I left the pub for another wander down to the park...and I ended up down there for the rest of folk night unable to cry…
then fleur rang me asking where I was cause it was the end of folk night...so I went back to the pub for my bag, picked it up, wandered with fleur to the Brandy (another pub) to see some of her mates (who abandoned her, fucking bastard) and we passed Alex’s car…and he’d left the lights on…though it was me that noticed. AGAIN. So me and fleur trooped back into the pub we’d been in all night, located Alex and I let fleur tell him and apparently he said `oh not again.` HOW MANY TIMES DOES THAT IDIOT DO IT?? I’M NOT ALWAUYS GONNA BE THERE OT GET FUER TO TELL HIM TO TURN HIS BLOODY LIGHTS OFF!!!
Is it really bad hat I got home, tried lying down to sleep, thought of him and had to run to the toilet to throw up?
It is, isn’t it?
And then I just couldn’t drop off. I managed to in the end...at five thirty this morning…
He was kissing thin air at one point...for lord only knows what reason…possibly thinking of Gina. Pheh. I just wished I could have been in his arms!
Oh yeah, I’ll never see him again cause there all off to uni now. *cries*
It’s…kinda bad…I really think I need to see a counsellor about everything going on. The endometriosis, not eating…I think I am depressed.
I say I think because I never wanna have to admit to being it...but I’m reading a book about understanding depression which is a British Medicine Association book…and I relate to it. Too much.
If I go by it directly,…I think it’s something like `neurotic depression/smiling depression/mask depression`
♥ By neurotic there, it means no sleeping.
♠ by smiling depression, it means the person can still enjoy social activities and meeting up with mates, but when alone the mood spirals out of control again
♣ by mask depression it means the person doesn’t want to believe they are depressed even though they have physical symptoms that would point to depression.
How do you go to mum and say` look, I don’t know for sure, but I think I am depressed because I am head over heels in love with Alex. I know I love him, I just do, and there are no reasons…but he has a girlfriend who is really pretty and I have no chance with him ever.` you can’t can you? I know my mum would say `he’s not worth it and you’re too young to love…` but I know I love him.
Hmm…when I told mum about the near throwing up thing…she said `urh, I don’t think you liking him is a good idea if you’re gonna throw up when you see him` it made me smile.
Anyway. I've been tagged. By Emmah.
The rules are:
1. Post these rules.
2. Each person tagged must post 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Tags should write a journal/ blog of these facts.
4. At the end of the post 8 more people are tagged and named.
5. Go to their page and leave a comment telling them they're tagged.
1. I am ridiculously madly in love with Alex Clifton
2. I love rum and fosters (not together mind)
3. I intend to be a beautician on a cruise liner
4. I’ve started driving lessons *muhaha*
5. I have short purple hair and look like a tramp right now…
6. I knew I was gonna be tagged when I just SAW this on Emmah’s post….
7. I wish I could put weight on. Never mind the whole size zero crap.
8. I love most music, including recently-opera. Grr don’t ask…but I mainly LVE Evanescence and bands like them.
Now, I tag:
~ angel zakuro
~ kaisap112
~ ILF
~ kiki-tink
~ dark forever
~ roseeyes
~ ruckles
~ Cheshire madness
Hmm…sorry if you’ve been tagged recently...you don’t have to do it!! I just...don’t have many regulars n my list!!!
So I have now ranted and wept here enough, I shall leave you in peace…and I will defiantly comment you tomorrow!!! I will make sure I do.
Ja ne!! X-♥-X
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i can't run anymore, i fall before you, here i am, i have nothing left....