Tuesday, February 13, 2007

  Post time: 9:36a.m. CT
Current Music: "Mushi" by Dir en grey

Well, I don't have school today because of the snow, and since I didn't have the chance to get on last night and post, here it is today. I hope you guys had a better day yesterday than I did...It started out nice and everything, but a little bit of everything came crashing down on me at the end of 5th period biology. Kayla, Yumi, Austin and I were talking like we usually do when Mr. B gives us the last 10-15 minutes to talk after class. This, of course, involved mostly Kayla and Austin doing the talking and Yumi and I listening, laughing, or putting in a few words. Most of these conversations involve Austin and his pent up sex drive, so they're usually perverted. Well, somehow, we started to talk about our middle names. Austin asked what mine was, and Kayla told him, "Darnel." Every time I get asked that, or my middle name is mentioned, a chunk of my heart starts to ache, but I usually do a good job of masking most of my emotions with a small smile. The reason for this being that I got my middle name from my aunt, who died in a tractor accident a few months before I was born. That gives me a strong sense of pride, but also sorrow, seeing as how I never got the chance to meet her. Back to the conversation: Austin get's an incredulous look on his face after hearing this, then bursts out laughing saying that it was a black guy's name. It felt like somebody just drove a blunt, rusty knife into my heart and twisted slowly. I tried to hold it back, but my eyes started to sting and I slowly put my head down on my desk and started to cry. The last thing I saw before doing that was Kayla smacking Austin in the back of the head. Both her and Yumi know the significance of my name, so they at least understood. Kayla told him about where I got it from, then his laughing stopped and I could hear his voice sober about 10x when he said, "I feel really bad now..." That's about all I could hear while I cried. He attempted to give me a hug and say he was sorry during that time, but I was pretty much in the fetal position in my desk. That pretty much made me cry more. But do you want to know the real reason I was crying so much? It wasn't all because of somebody making fun of my middle name, or that they used a racial reference to maul it; it was because I care deeply for Austin. I think I can almost say I love him, even if he has a girlfriend. Every time I see another girl hug him, or tease him, or even talking to him, or he's doing the teasing, my chest tightens and I hear a voice saying "That could be me with him." I don't think I knew how badly it hurt to have somebody you love ridicule you and laugh in your face, but now I do; and it hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced. It kills me inside to know that he has no clue how I really feel about him...

I eventually unraveled from my pitiful shell of selfishness and sorrow and wiped my tears away from my eyes. Then Austin gave me another, real hug. And I know it's selfish of me to say it, but it felt so good to be hugged like that, and told that he was sorry for what he said. For those few seconds, it felt like every worry I had melted away; I felt so safe and loved when he put his arms around me...I wanted it to last so much longer than it did...I literally clutched onto him, hoping that we wouldn't let go, but I knew better. I re-composed myself and put back on my stoic, happy mask, and re-bottled everything back into my chest in time for the bell to ring. Kayla had hit Austin a few more times for what he said, but I had already forgiven him. I really wanted to be upset with him, but my heart told me that the right thing to do was to forgive him; he had no idea how important my middle name was, or how I got it. As I thought about it more and more, I realized I had made the biggest moron out of myself in front of him. I always try to impress him, and make him think I'm cool and everything, but all that just went down the drain when I started to cry. He probably thinks I'm a big baby and I'll probably cry over the next thing he says to me...God! I'm such an idiot! Why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to be so sensitive and cry all the time? My thoughts were practically proved right after the bell rang to go home. Mari was waiting by the office, and I ran up to her and gave her a hug. Before I knew it, Austin was right by us in the office. When he walked out, I attempted to hug him. He just looked at me for a half a second then started to talk with everyone else. He didn't even put his arm around my shoulders or anything. So I walked off without a word, and with an even more crushed heart, outside and onto the bus. Here are the English translation lyrics to a song that I think expresses how I feel about Austin somewhat.

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"Meefisshu no uta, koi gara no" (a song of Mefish, a bubble of amorous pattern) by Ayabie

Fluttering scales, I forgot to swim with flapping scales.
I only looked at you through the glass.
I misted the glass with a sigh and wrote my feelings with a finger, but they didn’t reach you.
The movement of your lips sang a love song.
I imitated it and sang with you.
It turned into bubbles and disappeared.
I felt happy when you smiled.
I acted the clown crying.
But you smiled to the woman with the partner ring.
“I’m happy even as you did so”, I looked at you.
But when I was alone at night.
Glass shoes and waltz
I danced and sang with you.
We became bubbles and disappeared.
I felt so lonely when you were not with me.
I was a fish, who forgot to breath and blink my eyes,
but I fell in love with you.
When I fall asleep, we must be able to meet again.
“I would be happy if it happens.” I closed my eyes.
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Sorry for such a long post...

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