Monday, October 22, 2007

   Kill me gently...
Post time: 7:49p.m. CT
Music: “Chizuru” by The GazettE
Mood: ”Emo” (read as numb/lonely)

What is Happiness?
What is happiness?
It seems to be an emotion,
Though I haven’t felt it yet.
Why does it seem that everyone
But me has that assumed warmth?
Is happiness earned by
Possessing some special quality?
If so, I clearly don’t have it
Is happiness really an emotion?
Or is it just a simple way of saying
“Not sorrowful”?
Why do I seem to be the only one alone?
I know I’m not pretty, or physically attractive in any way,
But doesn’t personality count?
Or is mine not even worth the effort of knowing?
Of course, beauty seems to be what counts
In out society today.
That must mean I’ll never be truly happy...

What can I say? I get rather creative when I’m upset...Not that that’s a very good poem anyway. Today has to be one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time, and I don’t think I can blame getting my period last night, even though it’s a very likely culprit...so don’t be surprised if I sound bitchy on top of everything else...

I woke up this morning and totally felt like shit. I had a cramp, my body felt filthy, and it was cold out. I got to school and it seemed to go okay for a while, but I slowly got irrate with everything because my cramps where pissing me off until Mrs. Harris let me take some Midol at the beginning of photography. Then I watched The GazettE videos (Chizuru, Burial Applicant, Taion, SILLY GOD DISCO) while I worked on getting my digital pictures printed out. The Jrock helped until the printer decided it was going to make printing the contact sheets out...I was a little late getting to P.E., but not to the point of being tardy. We (Kayla, Jade, Nancy, myself) sat down in the weight room and talked with David and Grant for a good 10-15 minutes before our teacher finally came and told us to do our warm-ups and get to work. I asked David if he would go to Dir en grey if they came back to Omaha, and he said he would. That made me pretty happy for roughly the first time that day...to tell the truth, I think I’ve developed a small crush on him...*sigh* And that’s not a good thing because he’s still in love with Kayla. The whole break-up was rather confusing and stuff, so I’m not even going to try and explain it, aside from the fact that he cheated on Kayla during summer break. He had a lot of guts in talking to her lately, though he was scared to death at first. Evidently he called Kayla a few nights back and asked if she would give him a second chance...so Kayla was thinking about that during class.


I asked Austin during P.E. if he would go to DIRU if they came back, and he gave me a look that said ‘Are you retarded?’, and then said “Are you kidding?! Of course I would!” Then we started talking about the advantages of being familiar with the cities concerts are located at (He went to Marilyn Manson with Caitlyn when he was in Lincoln, NE). We went to SSR and we were doing okay, despite being a little tired and quiet. Then we somehow got on the subject of deceased family members, and Nancy (she’s our Chinese friend...she lived in China until she was 11) told us how her grandfather, whom she was really close to, had wanted to talk to her before he died, but when they called her, she wasn’t home to talk to him. That made EVERYONE at the table (myself, Kayla, Jade, and Nancy) start crying, having had similar deaths in our families. Then she talked about talking to her grandma afterwards about him, and that just made everything worse. We ended up taking our sadness with us to lunch, Jade crying about three times. I was depressed for the rest of the day and cried again when I rode the bus home. I think that Kayla decided to give David a second chance, because she didn’t ride the bus home and David drove to school. She also could have just got a ride with Ashley. But with how my day has been, I doubt that. Sorry for such a lame-ass post...


I might tell you about my weekend if I’m feeling better next time...(Actually, regarding the picture: If I died my hair that color, my hair is very similar to that style now...)
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