Sunday, January 30, 2005

Random crap
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but
don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad
to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down
I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet
he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever
done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got
into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute
somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me
as members.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and
the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she
reminds me more of you than you do!

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water
is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take
cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much
more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell
me what you know.

Whatever it is,... I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Chico Marx Quotes (1887 - 1961)

Hello? Room Service. Bring up enough ice to cool a warm body. (Room Service)

I came into this world even. All I want to do is go out even.

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.

I'd kill *you* for money. [Harpo looks dejected] Ha ha ha. Ah, no. You're my friend. I'd kill you for nothing.

If they'll just put a good two-iron, a golf bag, a pack of gin cards and a beautiful blonde in my coffin, they can send it anywhere they want.

Mustard's no good without roast beef.

My grandfather's great. He's a great-grandfather. (Monkey Business)

My partner - he's got a nose just like a bloodhound ... and the rest of his face don't look so good either. (Duck Soup)

Take your face out of my foot! (Monkey Business)

The first crap game I ever played in I lost forty-seven thousand dollars in one night, but I learned as I went along. In time I was able to lose much more than that.

Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes? (Duck Soup)

(when asked how much money he'd lost gambling) Ask Harpo. As much money as he has, that's how much money I've lost.

Whenever you got business trouble the best thing to do is to get a lawyer. Then you got more trouble, but at least you got a lawyer. (At the Circus)

Albertson: Well, if you fellows don't mind, I'm going to wash up.
Chico: Yeah, go ahead. The rest of us are already washed up.
(Room Service)

Groucho: It's all right, tha-that's in every contract. Tha-that's what they call a sanity clause.
Chico: Ha ha ha ha ha ha... you can't fool me. There ain't no Santy Clause.
(A Night at the Opera)

Thelma: I have a falsetto voice.
Chico: That's-a funny; my last pupil she had-a false set-a teeth.
(Horse Feathers)

Groucho: How much would you charge to run into an open manhole?
Chico: Just the cover charge.
(Animal Crackers)

Groucho: Don't you know what vessel is?
Chico: Sure, I can vessel... [starts whistling]
(Monkey Business)

Groucho: Do you want to be a public nuisance?
Chico: Sure. How much does the job pay.
(Duck Soup)

Groucho: You give up that silly peanut stand and I'll get you a soft government job. Now, let's see . . . How would you like a job in the mint?

Chico: Mint? No, no, I no like-a mint. Uh . . . what other flavour you got?
(Duck Soup)

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