Thursday, April 21, 2005

i dunno.. ask tim
Alright.. before the post I would like to explain something… I am not depressed, sad, angry, ticked, or anything.. I’m just in a reflective mood…. Big diff than yesterday eh?….. anyway… this has kinda been started when I woke up yesterday (cause today is Thursday but I wrote the post Wednesday…. Yadda yadda… you all get it? Good then) and its just plain written weird.. its easier to reflect on how I act when I disconnect… well.. this is a new side we had yet to see…please.. any comments that you might have today… I would really prefer if you PMed them to me… or just didn’t say them… ok? Thanks…

Oks… this is before the whole day gets rolling…. A bit of morbid reflection… Sita would just like to say… subconsciously… Sita likes to hurt herself… maybe because she feels that she needs to feel something and if she doesn’t feel pain… she’s afraid she wont feel anything… she is capable of feeling other emotions… but pain is her favourite…she loves the feeling her maiden gives her too… but… pain seems to be the favourite out of them all… Sita thinks to much… and takes to many things literally… and expects a lot… Sita is a brat… spoilt rotten brat… and for that she is sorry… especially to her maiden… who does so much for her already… who she dearly loves… and wishes all the best too… Sita hopes she can write happy things later today… and trust me… the truth hurts… but Sita isn’t sad right now… Sita is just… not feeling… need more pain…. Need to think some more…. Big change from yesterday, eh? Not really.. Sita is just thinking… that’s all…

Lately… I’ve been thinking about what I want… what I think I need… were I want to go in life… what I want to do with my life… I guess the first thing I can say is I want to live… yet I am a bit curious with how death works… im trying to figure out where I stand in this world and what my purpose is… I do know I have been given life to live… but Im not sure how I want to live… sometimes I feel like I want to be by myself…. Detach from everyone I know and love and just be empty and lonely and live by myself… not be responsible for how others feel… or to help others… or do anything for another person… that’s how I feel sometimes….I feel like I don’t want to be loved or love another person…. Maybe I think I don’t deserve it… in my sad little way… Other times all I want is to be loved… to have somebody to hold me and tell me they love me and to be there for me… and I want to be with all the people I know and love…. And I never want to leave them…. Or I feel like I am being denied what I want… and that’s when I start to hurt… I want to know what it is like to love someone and have that love returned and I want to live my life to the fullest and I want to experience everything that this world has to offer… I feel like I should be moving… sometimes I get so restless that I feel like leaving everything…. Just get in a car.. or on a bus or plane and leave… go somewhere new… just never come back to the place where I lived… but mostly I want the same thing everyone else wants… I want to be happy with who I am… and where I am… and with what I am…but like I said before… I’m not sure if I can feel happy… with out feeling guilty at least… I believe in balance… where one person is full of joy… there has to be a person filled with sorrow… and really at this point…. I think I would prefer the sorrow because that means that somebody else is happy… I almost hope that is how it all works… because that means that when I’m unhappy… somebody... hopefully a person who deserves it… will be happy… but who am I to decide if they deserve it… everyone deserves the right to be happy… hats off to Life… we all know that’s not the way things work…

Don’t think I’m bitter…. Or sad… or depressed… I’m just…. Not feeling anything right now… maybe I’m at peace for a moment because that’s the only way it can be described… hmmm.. I preferred the chaos… If your still reading.. thanks for listening to my rambling… if your not… whatever… ill let you all know how the interview went tomorrow cause I need to go back for another one… then I will (hopefully) know if I have the job… thanks again… I hate when I get like this…. So boring
Sita
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