Thursday, May 26, 2005

But there you go for the last time
I finally know now what I should have known then
and I could still be ruthless if you'll let me
but there you go and I'm not done
you're waving goodbye, well at least you’re having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me
Ruthless- Something Corporate
Thank god for angry Vancouver hip hop… you know what’s great about the internet? (sarcasm alert) Everything changes so bloody damn fast…right now… I’m all mixed up… so worried about losing a close friend… and if I do lose him… I’m not even sure why in all honesty… but two nights ago we were so close… didn’t seem like it would end… and to tell the truth I would call him right now... if I knew he would pick up the phone… but all I can do is sit here... listening to my play list composed of angry Vancouver hip hop and sad emotional punk music… think about the good times... and run the last conversation I had with him through my head over and over… and I’m so bloody worried about him… to top it off my computer is acting up… god damn… mother… garg!! *five minutes of censored profanities and empty death threats being uttered toward the computer* I wish that had made me feel better… but it didn’t… I should be happy... I really should... I have every right and plenty of reasons to be happy… heh.. its quarter to 6 in the morning… only an hour after my post from yesterday… see.. changes bloody fast… so damn worried… I think I will call him... call till he picks the damn phone up… would only be the second time I talked to him on the phone… and he would prolly hang up the minute he realizes its me… but I’m so worried… but till I work up the nerve... I’m just going to sit here… staring at the computer… listening to my music… listening to the music he gave me… think about bashing my head against the wall till I see dark light (in order to see dark light you can skip the repeated beatings against the wall and just take one good run at a brick wall... the light you see right before you die… that’s dark light) … and wish I had someone to talk to… but the someone I want to talk to is in school right now… just… wall… head… I think you need to meet… repeatedly… right now… and I know at least a few people are going to read this… know exactly what its about… and be really worried… and I don’t know what to say to that… I’m not sure if you should be… or if you should just let things be and not worry… or if I should just quit in all honesty… I need to get out of the house… get away… at least for a while… even a few hours… go to the book store… or the music store… or even to a coffee house… and just sit… because at least if I’m in public… I wont cry…. So worried…. So god damn frustrated… I think I need another 10 hour nap…. Then to get time for my cell phone… then all I have to do is push a few buttons… but I wont…. Not right now… maybe later… tonight… after work… till then… its me… the music... the thoughts… and at some point I’m sure the wall will get involved… that or the table top… something solid… for sure…. So worried….
Sita
Note to him: if your reading this I’m sitting at the damn computer… looking at your site.. wishing I had better headphones… cause all I can listen to is the music on your site… but I’m not soothed by it… just… you know what… damn it… just damn it… *lays head down and closes eyes* I’m f**kin worried about you (and I’m bloody well not sorry for the language… )
Note to anyone who cares: I got yahoo messenger now… not sure how often I will be on as msn is where all my non-MyO friends are… yes I know… its amazing I have other friends…. but if you wanna talk its sitarose16… just drop me a line before you do so I don’t get scared ^.^
Note: after about five seconds of reflection and a pissy ass week dues to complications with people i have met here and a very depressing and anger inducing bit of mail IM THINKING OF LEAVIENG
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