Tuesday, August 16, 2005

ok..... yes... i realize its like.... 3 in the morning as I post this..... but.... uhhhh.. actually.... yeah... HOWS EVERYONE DOING?!?! Note to self: You suck at getting your thoughts together..... *deep breath* welps... I turn 19 in a month... im starting to get nervous.... way I saw it when I was 17... Im going to die at age 20.... which means that this might be my last year.... hell... today could be my last day.... I had a scary minute yesterday... nearly blacked out..... I've never blacked out or fainted before.... Kinda scared me..... even as I type I'm not really feeling all that great.... light headedness is not good..... Actually.... Im kinda just writing to avoid doing something stupid... see... ok.... I've had a really really bad falling out with someone that I thought was a friend..... His choice to go.... "I-hath-not-remembered-thy-name-thy-simpleton-wench" so.... screw that... Im not bitter.. not one bitter little bit.... *censored grumbling*... and I thought I was more or less over it... I really did.... then I started talking to a friend from Gaia.... hes a newer friend but I'm pretty trusting (a bad flaw but meh).... and I told him the basic story... and now thats pulling up all the bitter feelings and such... *deep breath*... this past year has been a bitch... plain and simple... I've cryed more over boys in the last 8 months than i had in the past 18 years... I've changed so drastically that even I notice the change.... I've made some of the best friends I can possibly have... and I've met a few people my life would have been much better with out.... experienced college.. realized I dont really want to work in a lab for the rest of my life but I dont really know what else I want to do.... so I've decided that college is a waste of time for now... even though I'll miss the actual schedual and order to it.... and the general hanging out with semi-intellegent people... I've found out I have a slight if almost nonexistant knack for writing.... Some people like it so that makes it a sucess in my mind even though I'm not sure if maybe they're just trying to be supportive cause they're friends.... Developed my graphic art skills to something that they would have never become with the art teacher I had... Ok.... I'm just babbling now... Theres one paticular person I would do anything to talk to right now... and I'm scared... I'm just a little depressed right now.... It doesnt really show on the outside cause I'm getting to be a pretty damn good actor... Just I'm starting to hit a wall... sorry for venting.... its been a long time since I've done one of these posts... and I dont really feel better... but I guess it better explains why I havent been here..... If that matters to anyone of course... I'm pretty sure it doesnt.... but meh.... I think I'll shut up now.... its 3:30 now..... half an hour of venting.... that has to be good on one level right? anyway.... ill leave you with this....

and have a good one all....
Sita
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