Saturday, September 17, 2005

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight
Ocean Avenue- Yellowcard
Its my birthday today… so Im gonna say what ever I feel like… just cause Im a jerk like that… first off… at retraction to the “Boys is Stupid” comment… I would like to apologize to the following boys that are not stupid
Kevin (cause hes cool)
Winn (cause hes cool)
Derrick (though hes not going to see this cause he lacks internet access right now cause he listens to me bitch and whine and always manages to make me feel better no matter what)
Howee (most days… cause he’s my little aussie bro and was the first person to wish me a happy birthday)

Any other boys who would like an apology can send me a letter explaining why they are not stupid, $500 to make the reading of the letters worth my while and a self addressed envelope so they may receive my verdict. I reserve the right not to apologize and that’s that.

Other pressing matters… I would like to thank Blue Eyes for her early birthday wishes. AND HOLY F*CK AFRO IS BACK!!! That’s it for today people… maybe this can work out to be a happy birthday after all….
Sita

On to other “gifts”… ummmm… I’m just…. I’m going to post convo… or at least the part of it I have… I think postings going to become a bit erratic for the next few days… just cause I get a bunch of time off and I’m not feeling my best… don’t read the convo if you don’t care…

D’Hiur: im back for a bit
Sita: ok
Sita: sorry i had to leave so suddenly.. i had more customers
D’Hiur: thats fien
Sita: so?
D’Hiur: were were we
Sita: defining the relationship?
D’Hiur: right, ok... so... were were at the part were there is no real term to call us... am i correct
Sita: yeah... pretty much
Sita: would it be right for me to say the only thing really holding us back from being bf/gf was distance?
Sita: or is that wrong?
D’Hiur: yeah, i would say thats right
Sita: personally it felt like gf/bf for a while... but what do I know
D’Hiur: yes... i did too... but its hard to get too attachted to words on a screen... like... if i was there, with you before... things would be so different
Sita: im not just words on a screen
D’Hiur: i know your not... but thats the thing about a having someone to hold... like you mean so much to me, and i have never even met you... its jsut... i dont know... but i think you were correct in saying it was distance...
Sita: you know I would be there if i could
D’Hiur: i know... im sorry for what i did... i know you dont want me to say it... but i was kidna harsh droping that on you...
Sita: just a little bit
D’Hiur: but i fetl i needed to tell you... like... i wasnt clear on what we are... im still not... but i jsut felt you should know, and i think that you would agree that its better you knew now then later...
Sita: you did the right thing in telling me... I just dont know what to do either.... I felt like we needed to talk again... about what we we're... not like this though
D’Hiur: i know... i dont know what to do... like... i like you and i really liek kaitlyn... but she is here and your not... its just... AH
Sita: i feel like im being punished for where i live
D’Hiur: i feel like im being punished for my life... life sucks...
Sita: i hadnt been this happy in a long time
D’Hiur: i know... i was happy too... but...
Sita: *closes her eyes*
D’Hiur: *leans back against the wall and slides down to the floor* i dont know... what to do anymore...
Sita: *looks at him and lets out a small sigh* I really really dont want to lose you... but... its not right to ask you to stay with me.... I just dont... Im tired of losing people
D’Hiur: i know how it feels to lose people... like i dont want to loose you either... but what i hink we still need to answer is what we would be losing... a freind, or more
Sita: your more than a friend to me
D’Hiur: so are you... but what is it then... like do you agree we arnt bf gf
Sita: you feel like a bf to me
D’Hiur: *loks at ceiling and closes eyes* ... you were far more than a friend to me... but... i dont know if i would... i dont know if i would call you my gf... im sorry...
Sita: if i wanted you to lie i would have told you to
D’Hiur: what does that mean
Sita: i dont want you to lie to me
D’Hiur: im not... what makes you think im lieing...
Sita: nothing
Sita: im saying im happy your at least being straight with me
Sita: if im even able to be happy at this point
D’Hiur: i wouldnt lie about somthing like this... never...
Sita: i didnt say you would
D’Hiur: ok... well... do you kinda feel better we discused this a little
Sita: no.... not really...
Sita: I still dont know what you plan to do... I dont know where I am... I dont know what to think...
Sita: as usual... i dont know anything
D’Hiur:i dont know what i can do... or what i wantt o do... i think im going to go and think for a while.. i need to think...
Sita: last time you said that you didnt come back
D’Hiur: i didnt come back cause i was out walking and thinking all night long... i didnt sleep all night... i never slep anymore... but i was walking al night...
Sita: please stay and talk with me
D’Hiur: *sigh* for a little while longer... *smiles slgihtly*
Sita: thank you... *sits down against the wall and looks down*
D’Hiur: your welcome... *loks up at her and smiles slgihtly* what... what do you want me to do ...
Sita: *smiles sadly at him and shakes her head* I want you to stay with me... but i have this philosophy... if you love someone... you just want them to be happy
Sita: i want you to be happy
D’Hiur: i understand that completely... thats exactly were out proble lies... i want to be happy, and that means a girl i can hold... but for you thats me... arg...
Sita: im sorry
D’Hiur: you have nothing to be sorry for... its me... im the cause of this...
Sita: we knew it would happen
D’Hiur: it was kinda unavoidable...
Sita: i just feel useless
D’Hiur: i know what the feels like... and i fel Torn... ironically enough...
Sita: you dont understand... before you.. there was aguy... who just... he destroyed me
D’Hiur: how so
Sita: he played with my mind and twisted his words and I was always the one saying sorry even when it was all his fault... and he lead me on making me think he loved me... then.. he.... he killed me
D’Hiur: im so sorry... i... i... i hate people who do that... but... i hvae become one of them...
Sita: i was finally getting over him
D’Hiur: *looks down* im so sorry... thats exactly what i did to you...
Sita: i guess thats why im being so stubborn about letting you go... im tired of letting go
D’Hiur: i know... ack... im sorry... i ahev to really go now...
Sita: its ok
D’Hiur: all talk to you soon
Sita: ok

and hence the reason why Boys is stupid and life sucks and happy f*cking birthday (thats that bitterness starting to sneak back in)
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