Sunday, September 25, 2005

I love you so much it hurts me
Darlin, that's why I'm so blue
I'm so afraid to go to bed at night
Afraid of losing you.
I Love You So Much It Hurts - Ray Charles

Due To Emotional Something or Other...
(I really lack anything better to call it)
I may be prone to swearing and other stuff...

*looks up* wow... I remembered HTML... ummmm.... ok... I woke up... I got ready for work... I went to work... had fun at work... (more or less)... heres what f*cked the day up... ok... due to pretty slack conditions at work... were able to have msn on when we lack anything better to do... so I was on msn... and.... D'Hiur was on.... so I said hello... cause despite the fact he kinda screwed me over.... I still care about him and I dont want to lose him... so.... the first thing he says back is something along the lines of "Sita, Im so sorry, you were always there for me" my reaction.... cause I was in a half decent mood and didnt feel like yelling at him like I had planned to do earlier (story behind that.... He kinda started making me feel like I was worthless with lack of conversation over the past few days... so I had planned on yelling at him to relieve some stress.... not the nicest plan... but I really didnt care)... so I reacted with "Uhhhhhh... Im not sure whats up but Im liking the treatment...." then after a short pause "Are you ok?"... he said something about "...not really but Ill tell you later I have to go... Ill talk to you in a bit" then he was gone..... so... Im f*cking worried about the boy.... but at the same time... Im prefectly capable of putting two and two together.... I figured it was something along the lines of him and her breaking up.... and I'm a bastard for it but I was kinda happy... people keep telling me its alright to feel that way.... But I dont believe it... so anyway... I talked to him later and he basically told me what happened and we talked some more and when we were done it seemed like he was ok... I asked him how he was feeling and he said He was feeling better and we laughed a little bit and almost started talking about what was going to happen between us cause we do care about each other... but we decided to leave that till some other time and just have idle chit chat.... so he seemed ok... he really did.... then... I had to leave work... this was all occuring during the day.... my shift ended and I told him I would be back in a bit to talk and took off for home..... where I was kinda held up... My room mate was on the comp... so I didnt want to bug her to much... anyway... to shorten this up a bit... by the time I got to talk to him again..... He was severly depressed... He started talking about killing himself... Hes told me hes tried it once before... so I dont trust him with anything possibly harmful to himself right now... at this point I would do anything possible to get him to sit down and calm down.... but... Its hard when there is two provinces between you.... I couldnt even cry... I was just so worried about him... I kept asking him to stop and not do it.... and f*ck if I even tried to put a guilt trip on him when thats part of his problem... then he said he had to go.... Im in a slight state of shock just thinking about it... I feel sick... I went for a walk... Against better judgement and all rational thought I went into the park... walked through the darkest parts.... and I'll I can think about is how he must feel right now... Part of me just wants to get mad.... I dont really respect people who make that choice..... I just want to get mad... for putting that knowledge on me... for thinking that hes going to solve the pain that way.... for not listening to me.... for threatening to leave.... for good... But all I can do is feel worried... and wait to hear from him... and I hope.... I hope he'll be ok... I think I'll be slightly in shock till I know hes ok...
Sita
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