Monday, December 18, 2006

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Smile Like You Mean It- The Killers.

So... Everyone on the MyO deserves an explanation besides the crappy little one I gave a few days back.

Con pointed that out to me. So here it goes.

As of late I have become extremely busy outside of work with people being social and doing stuff. I have only been home three times in the past week and a half and that was mostly to do laundry. As I said before... I am having issues with my wireless router so the only time I can use the comp is when I can hook directly into the router and I can only do that when my room mate is sleeping or at work. Being as I've only been home a few time... this drops my computer time down to very little... when I do manage to get home.

In all honesty I havent really missed being away horribly much. I do feel bad I worried people and I know they shouldnt have had to worry.

One thing I have realized about being away... is I think I do spend an extremely large amount of time on the computer. People are begining to expect me to be around and expect me to be on each day.

To steal it from my gaia blog... As Im really to lazy to try and type it out again...

"It seems like I'm always on the computer and thats the only place I interact with the large majority of the people I know... it feels like people expect me to be on at times and expect me to be around each day.

I've been doing that for two years now and maybe I'm getting a bit tired of the whole thing... Expecially lately I've been questioning if people actually realize that I am a person and I do have feelings at times... Part of me feels like I'm not always appreciated and thats probably why I'm jumping at the opportunity to have a social life outside of my job and the computer. I wont lie... Its kind of nice to get away from all the internet crap at times. Expecially when relationships and feelings start to develope or become an issue....

I'm of course going to be around... just not as much for a while.... I'll see what happens in the new year as part of the busyness does have to do with it being christmas time... "

It seems like I've fallen into a routine that isnt healthy. I work.. I come home... I play on the computer for a few hours then I sleep. I wake up... I shower... I go to work.

Theres more to the whole story than just "I'm getting pulled out of the house." Con knows... Zan knows... I would rather not write it out here where the whole world can see as its just one of those things that even admiting to it makes it seem like I've betrayed one of my core values. And in realizing that I should be shattered... But Im not.

The most wonderful thing about the internet and online communities such as The MyO and Gaia is the fact that you can find people you click with. You can find people that you can talk to and joke with and who seem to fit the ideal image you may have of "The perfect friend." or "The perfect mate".

I'll say mate as I do think that we primaraly base our decisions on internal instinct and the whole "intelligence" thing just makes the instict much more complex than it should be.

We can find people we identify with and the ones we dont like we can easily ignore.

I'll be honest in saying this. After some things that have happened I find at times its hard to actually click with people. I can -talk- to them. Talking is easy. Clicking is not so much.

The online communities make it much easier to find people you can talk to and identify with.

Thats the wonderful thing about it.

On the other hand...

Following the Guidelines of internet safetly usage... You're not suppose to meet people from the net. At least not with out proper percautions and measures taken.

So far I've met two people where my relationship started fully as one on one interation. IE not catalized via other pathways such as mutual friends.

Both Con and Zan are amazing. Just the fact that they put up with my lame jokes and nervous first meeting manners is a surprise. The fact that they both have stuck around is another.

The chance to meet anyone that I know from the MyO or Gaia... is something I would jump at. To meet alot of these people face to face is an amazing opportunity and I would hate to pass it up.

But its also painful in a way to know people and know you would get along with them and know that you cant see and you cant touch them.

I've spent two years developing relationships like this. Some of my actual face to face relationships have crumbled and decayed yet my online relationships have stayed strong and pulled through some difficult times.

I value many of my online relationships much more than the face to face relationships I have. I would rather spend hours talking to people I can not see than go out to a movie with people I can see almost every day, if I so choose to.

I suppose what I'm getting to is this...

I do not support online relationships for they cause a pain and longing which is very hard to satisfy. I've spent more time depressed over hurting people I have never actually met in the last two years than I have over the fact that I only see my family once ever few months.

I support online relationships for the fact that they open us up to a world of people who we would otherwise never know. In meeting new people we learn new things about ourselves and we learn what we want from life. We learn what we need and what we can live with out and we can find people who are able to support us during hard times and we can provide support for others when they need it.

I would rather know people I am close to on a strictly one dimesnional plane, than know a million people who's names I cant remember in a three dimension world.

And distance is simply an obstacle. And a simple one at that. If nothing else I will walk to where I need to be. I might show up late... but at least I get there.

But for the time being I'm going to catch up on some 3-d interaction.

I'll be around. Just not much. I do feel bad I cant provide as much support in being away... but I also wont require as much... so it all evens out I think.

Here's hoping you all have a merry christmas/ happy hoidays. I think I'm going to attempt to mail out christmas cards but I hope no one holds their breath as I'm horrible for saying I'll do stuff and then forgetting about it.

Perhaps belated new years cards...
Sita
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