Saturday, February 17, 2007

   me and my thoughts

hey everyone... well tomorrow is my bday. and youd think id be super happy about it.... but i just got to rreally thinking.... some how i always end up really messing up my bday one way or another. a couple years back i didnt want to be tricked so i stayed down stairs and wouldnt leave the room, and my mom just plopped the cake right in front of my face and said happy bday, they sang and all... but i noticed i really messed up. last year i actually was very moody, and i didnt want to go out and eat... AT ALL.... but my family forced me to. i cried the entire time, i guess ive never truly been happy on my bday. its not the best of days for me. i guess its b/c im always thinking about the future, and it scare3s me. i dont want to grow up, but i dont want to live forever. im a big kid, i love messing around, being lazy, not having to care... but each year gets tougher, harder, and it just tears me apart. i wish i could be as strong as i say i am, but im just a big baby. ill take care of my friends and family, but when it comes to me... i wont care. i know i can be a greedy person, but who isnt? idk what im trying to say here. im not saying im not spoiled, b/c really i am. no lies. i guess i dont want to get older, i dont want to move on, i just want to stay here, like this, safe,f or ever. i know i cant, but still, i still dream. i dont understand why im always so hard on myself on my bdays.. like its judgement day or something, i get through it, but i just find it one of the most depressing days of the year. i mean... this is the last year im going to be a kid... next year i will be an adult and it will all be over for me. ill be signing up for college, moving out of my house, and living my own life. its scary, and im not ready. i thought i was, but i am not. i cant move to new york like i always wanted to... b/c i have finally realized that i am broken with out my family, so for now, i think im going to stay buried, hidden in my shell, until im ready. this is my last day as a 16 year old, and its been a good day so far.... but really i feel sad... b/c everyone made the biggest deal about my friend natalies bday (a cake, a card, balloons) but no one got me anything. im not saying that i wanted all of that... but they didnt even mention it. not nat, or steph, or even alma not like they did for nat. im just a bit bumemd i guess. but there were others who said happy bday, and those ppl made my day. :). my moms not even gonna be here for my bday, for my last bday as a young adult, and it just breaks me. some how, my bday is always ruined... even if i smile, and seem the happiest, i end up crying alone in the bathroom. i really dont want to be an adult, im jjust not ready. im not asking for pity, i just wanted to write, ya know? but i know tomorrow is going to be different. no one really understands, i know its stupid, but not for me. but after a week, ill get over it, and my bday will be history, ill be over it. untill my next judgement day. wish me good luck! bye guys.... JUST TO LET YA ALL KNOW! IM NOT LETTING MY LAST DAY AS A 16 YEAR OLD GO TO WAIST! IM GOING OUT WITH THE BUDDIES, ANDIMA PARTY! THERES NO ONE THIS BDAY IS GOING TO RUIN ME THIS YEAR! I DONT CARE AT ALL! PEACE OUT! AND I LUV YA GUYS!

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