Thursday, February 28, 2008

   ...Scary...
Something very strange happened to me today.

It was during gym class. Oh crap, now I have to explain about me and gym class. We don't mix. I really SUCK at sports, I just never really liked them. I was always perfectly happy to just sit still and shut up (okay, not shut up, but...) And now all the sudden everyone was better than me. I didn't know what happened. It wasn't fair. So I figured that I was too lazy and out of shape at this point to get much better, and even if I tried people would just laugh at me and tell me that I sucked, and then I would start crying, and then some idiot would say "Here comes the waterworks..." and I would get a reputation as a stupid wimpy crybaby. Plus in grade four I had a teacher who didn't really make us participate. So me, Chloe-who-moved-to-New-Brunswick-Last-Summer, Austin-from-grade-four-who-moved-to-a-different-school and Lee-who-used-to-be-hilarious-but-is-now-a-jerk, all used to explore the maze of storage rooms behind the stage.

Things went downhill from there. In grade five and six my rebellious nature got gradually stronger as my gym marks got gradually lower. If they told me to run, I would walk. If they told me to catch the ball, I would sidestep it and watch as it hit the wall behind me. If they told me that it was affecting my mark, I told them firmly and defiantly that I could still graduate even if I failed gym. I saw all this as being really brave and protesting and stuff. Naturally I wasn't very popular with my sports-obsessed classmates after all this. They yelled at me and begged me to participate. It probably would have been easier to listen to them. But when you really think about it, which is the path of least resistance here? I'm still not sure.

Anyway, now in 7th grade, my Phys. Ed mark has plunged to a 55%, my lowest mark in the history of EVER in ANYTHING. I participate sometimes. Oh, and now I have to tell you the soccer story too.

Every September, I get a strange urge to play soccer. Some stupid part of my mind gets the idea that if I work really hard, I can make the school soccer team and score and everyone will respect me at last (Jeez, Naruto the Hokage much?). Well, I tried out this September, and it was..._________ brutal. (Insert the profanity of your choice in the blank above) Only four other grade sevens tried out, and the rest of the girls were all very soccer-experienced, very tall grade eights. They were nice, and so was the coach, but I was so pathetic that I was fighting back tears every practice. I tried SO hard. I really did. And I have asthma. It's really tough for me to run around a lot. (WHY do I think I can play soccer?!?!) And then after all my effort and pain, you know what they did? They cut three people. Christa, Candice-my-best-friend, and me.
At that point I couldn't help it. I burst into tears and walked home by myself. (I usually walked with Candice during the practices)
And aside from that traumatic tale, I get hit with things a LOT. 90% of the time in the past, it's been soccer balls. Most people say, "Pssht, soccer balls don't hurt." But they fricking hurt ME! I'm not used to getting hurt. It's not supposed to be part of the curriculum. I don't like organized sports. It's not my FAULT! And so, that is my angst-ridden history of sports. And now for my whole point...

Today, during gym, to warm up we had to run back and forth from one gym wall to the other six times (one for each wall touch). I really felt like running. I wanted to show everyone that I could be fast too. So I ran! I showed everybody, and I even beat one or two people. Megan was proud of me. She's always nice. She was all like, Good job Elaine! And I was all like, thanks! Yay!
But I was really out of breath, and I was breathing really fast. (Asthma, remember?) I keep an inhaler in my backpack, but it was in the classroom. I don't have any special medication forms on file at the school so that I can have it, none of the teachers really know about it. I just have it. I thought it would look really stupid and geeky to say "Can I get my inhaler?" right after running for not even five minutes, plus my asthma isn't very bad, so I figured I would be fine if I just stood for a minute while the class decided what game we were going to play. We voted. The verdict?

Soccer.

Now, the practices for the soccer team were outdoors, in a big wide open field near the school. But it's winter. This is INDOOR soccer. This is my greatest fear. Everybody kicks really hard, and the ball bounces off everything. There's just not enough SPACE... It really scares me. I have a strong dislike for getting hit.

I announced to my team that I already ran today, which was a rare event in itself. That was all I could do for today, I'll run again tomorrow. They accepted this, since they were all really good and I wasn't much of a help anyway. I was still breathing pretty hard and fast.

So they started the game, and I took refuge in a corner near our team's net. I did everything I could to avoid the ball. Sometimes I just don't care about the games we play in gym. I'm totally removed from it, and I just ignore the whole thing. But today was different. I was terrified out of my wits. Not just that I would get hit. I'm getting more pain-resistant lately. Just the fact that a soccer game was going on, and I was stuck in it. I was almost crying in my little corner. I was blinking like crazy. Never taking my eyes off that stupid ball.

I know this guy with this disorder thing where he gets panic attacks sometimes. I've never seen one happen, but I'm guessing they're something like that. Fast breathing, almost crying, utter terror, trembling. I think those are all the symptoms. I'm not sure. But that's what I had.

Seriously, I was scared out of my wits, really, honestly terrified, doing everything I could just to keep that #%@$ ball away from myself and not start crying. My friends didn't understand when I talked to them, and neither did my mom. So I have turned to the internet instead. I ask you this: WHY did I get so freaked out, what's wrong with me, what am I supposed to do now? My class LOVES soccer. They'll want to play it all the time now that they're tired of basketball for the year. I NEED ADVICE!
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