Friday, December 9, 2005

The Shadow of the Past (Chapters 1-6)
This story was written by Sofaspud23
SPOILERS (Well, sort of, but you won’t understand half as much of this half as much as you should like if you’re only half past half of the final dungeon)
First off, since a lot of other authors think it’s necessary, I do not own any of the characters, companies, levels, music, or anything else that I’ve put in my fanfic that are registered and owned by other people. (I fail to see the point of this, because I don’t really care if someone else puts my stuff in their fanfics but hey, whatever!) Yay!!! I’m the narrator!
Chapter 1 - Of the Prologue, Zelos’ Birthday, and Gnome’s Uncanny Ability to Annoy Anyone on the Planet. The G.U.A.T.A.A.O.T.P. for short.
Sofaspud23: Once Mithos has been defeated, and the two worlds have been reunited, Lloyd and Sheena go on a journey to collect and destroy all of the exspheres. Then, they took a really long nap. I mean a really long nap. We’re talking sleeping beauty sized naps! So after a week of slumber, they got married. It was more complicated than that, but I won’t bore you with the details. So they get married, Colette tries to murder Sheena but misses and falls out of Derris-Kharlan. Presea catches the bouquet, and Sheena shoves Zelos off of the comet. And thus, Colette and Zelos started a club that plotted ways to murder Lloyd and Sheena. I’ll just let the rest explain itself.
Sheena: So remind me again why we’re going to Zelos’ mansion?
Lloyd: It’s his birthday, remember?
Sheena: Oh, right. Didn’t I shove him off of Derris-Kharlan?
Lloyd: Colette saved him.
Sheena: But didn’t she fall off after she tried to murder me?
Lloyd: No, she flew back up.
Sheena: Dammit.
Sofaspud23: They arrive at Zelos’ mansion and see everyone there, plus about a thousand people they didn’t know.
Sheena: Did this place get bigger or something?
Lloyd: Looks like it.
Zelos: Ah, the voluptuous--
Lloyd: *Points sword at Zelos’ neck* One more word, Zelos...
Zelos: Oh. Right. I forgot you two were married.
Lloyd: You’re pushing it, Zelos! You’re really pushing it!
Zelos: Hey, don’t get mad, Lloyd! If I’m dead, you won’t be able to taste the 5,000 different cakes I had brought over here. A different chef made each one.
Lloyd: Not bad, Zelos. Just don’t flirt with Sheena. If you do, then you’re dead. And I mean that literally.
Zelos: Sure you do.
Lloyd: *takes a bite out of the nearest cake* Blech! This one’s spicy! This is the worst cake I’ve ever tasted! Who made this thing?
Raine: *Was standing behind Lloyd the whole time* I did. You were saying? *Raises her hand, ready to strike*
Lloyd: I, uh, was saying that it was the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life! It’s-*gag*-so-*cough*-unique and...
Raine: *slaps Lloyd and knocks him out*
Sheena: Oh, no you didn’t! I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Whaddaya want?
Sheena: Raine has something she wants to tell you.
Gnome: Woohoo! What is it, Raine? Ooh, ooh! Let me guess! Uhm...fire truck! No, that’s not it...race car! Cheese grater! Cinnamon! Angel Fruit Cake! Apple Butter! 971,034,467! Toilet Seat! Rockefeller Center!
Sheena: Now Gnome will annoy you to death! There is no escape! That’s what you get for hurting Lloyd! And by the way, what the heck is a Rockefeller Center?
Gnome: I dunno. If there was a place in the middle of a city called New York City in a state called New York in a country called the United States on a continent called North America on a planet called Earth, then I’d name it that.
Sheena: Tch, like that exists anywhere. That reminds me, the other day someone asked me if it was nice in Tokyo. What’s Tokyo, anyway?
Gnome: Hmm...if there was city in a country called Japan, on continent called Asia, on a---
Raine: Okay, I’ll heal him! Just please get Gnome to shut up! First Aid!
Lloyd: *wakes up* Wha? All I remember is tasting the worst cake ever, and then everything went black.
Raine: *Arm twitches*
Genis: Hey, Raine! I was wondering if---
Raine: *Smacks Genis, who was luckily carrying a Resurrection Ring with him at the time and came back to life.*
Genis: Oww, what was that for?
Raine: Lloyd.
Genis: I guess I’m better off not knowing.
Colette: *Walks up to Zelos* Do you think they know we poisoned their cake?
Zelos: If you say it that loud, then yes!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Tries to grab a piece but is restrained by Zelos*
Zelos: It’s poisoned, remember?
Colette: Oh yeah, that’s right. Hey look, cake!
Zelos: *sigh* What did I do to deserve this? And hey, if I kill Lloyd and you kill Sheena, then they’ll both be dead and we won’t be able force them to marry us. So what’ll happen then?
Colette: I don’t know. Hey look, there’s cake!
Zelos: Why do I bother asking you?
Regal: Hello. May I ask what you two are talking about?
Zelos: Nothing.
Colette: We were just wondering if anyone had figured out that we’d poisoned the cake!
Regal: *bewildered stare*
Colette: *takes a bite out of the cake and collapses*
Regal: So the cake’s...
Zelos: NOT poisoned! She’s practicing for a musical called, “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” She plays the first person to eat the cake, so she has to practice fainting. Excuse us. Healing Wind!
Regal: *Walks away, confused*
Zelos: What were you thinking? You almost told Regal we poisoned the cake!
Colette: Ooh, there’s cake?
Zelos: Never mind...
Sofaspud23: Then, an hour later, with everyone still alive and kicking because they had avoided the cake once Raine mysteriously sprinkled something on one of them, the group gave Zelos their presents. They are as follows:
Lloyd-A treasure map (It actually led to the lair of a violent demonic banshee, but Zelos didn‘t now that).
Sheena-A pet dragon that was, unbeknownst to Zelos, trained to destroy anything obnoxious.
Colette-Some cake from the other room.
Genis-Cookies with nuts he knew Zelos was allergic to that just happened to fall into the dough.
Raine-A book called: “Pickup Lines for Dummies”.
Presea-A carving of a bear with fish in its mouth. (The fish looked strangely like Zelos)
Regal-The most annoying one-man-band in the world. (He follows you around and plays music depending on your mood. He was currently singing “99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall” and kept losing count of how many beers were actually left on the wall and starting over)
Zelos-A new summer home (You have to treat yourself too, right?).
Sofaspud23-A girlfriend.
Zelos: Wahoo! I get a girlfriend!
Sofaspud23: Not until later in the story. Dammit! I just gave away a hint about what‘s going to happen...see what you made me do? Now I won’t give you a girlfriend!
Zelos: Please! I beg you!
Sofaspud23: Okay, why not? But one wrong move and...
Zelos: Thank you so much! Could you make her a brunette? I have a thing for brunettes. I bet you didn’t know that!
Sofaspud23: Of course I knew that, I just wrote it!
Zelos: Riiiight.
Sofaspud23: Just go back into the story.
Zelos: Hehehehehehe. Roger!
Sofaspud23: And don’t laugh like that.
Zelos: Whatever you say, bud! *Goes into story*
Sofaspud23: Idiot. At any rate, let’s go on with the story. Sheena and Lloyd have wandered off to the side of the cake wheel that Raine wasn’t standing near.
Sheena: Hey, this one looks good!
Lloyd: What kind is it?
Sheena: It’s tomato, Lloyd! Your favorite!
Lloyd: Eww! No!
Sheena: That was sarcasm, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Oh. Uh, yeah! I was...being sarcastic, too!
Sheena: *Sigh* Of course you were.
Lloyd: ???
Sheena: Sarcasm.
Lloyd: Right!
Sheena: I think I’ll try some of this chocolate cake over here.
Colette: *hiding under the table* Yes! Soon you will die and Lloyd will be mine! Muahahahahaha!!!
Sheena: Did you hear something.
Lloyd: Nope.
Sheena: Oh well. *Starts to take a bite, but half of the building is destroyed before she can, and she is so startled she drops the cake* What the heck was that?!?!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Eats it and falls over unconscious*
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: And that’s where the chapter ends! But before we leave, let’s take a look at what everybody is thinking!
Lloyd-This guy’s dead!
Sheena-I hope it eats Zelos.
Colette-Why is peanut butter called, “butter”? I can’t believe it’s not butter! Hey look, cake!
Genis-Maybe it’ll eat Raine’s cake and die...
Raine-What a wondrous sample! I must examine it!
Presea-That sort of looks like Colette from this angle.
Regal-Shackles or no, you will perish!
Zelos-Eat Lloyd! Eat Lloyd!
Kratos-Oh no! This is terrible! My tea has too much sugar in it! I live a hard life on Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: Have our heroes met their match? Will Colette ever become smart? And perhaps the most important question of all, will Kratos be able to make another glass of tea and sweeten it to perfection before his crumpets get cold? Find out in the next chapter of this story!


Chapter 2: Fairies and Angels and Elves, Oh my!
Sofaspud23: As you can probably tell, this fanfic doesn’t have that much to do with shadows or the past, it just sounded like a good name. But it might later in the story. Once I figure out exactly what’s going to happen later in the story, I might be able to post it. But for the most part, I’m just making this up as I go. I really haven’t the foggiest idea as to what’s going to be in this chapter that wasn’t in the first one, so wish me luck!
Derek the Demon Prince: By the way, Sofaspud23 doesn’t claim ownership of any registered trademarks that are in his fanfic. So don’t go around trying to sue him for anything, ‘k?


On Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: The countdown was almost over with. 3...2...1...There was a shrill noise, and Kratos opened the microwave to find his crumpets at the perfect temperature for eating. Nibbling on them, he walked over to the table and turned on the TV. It was amazing how far magitechnology had come! Now they had phones, TVs, microwaves, and the most amazing gizmo ever: Gamecubes! Kratos was even thinking about sending the journals from their journey to a company to make into a game, but hadn’t decided yet. He was thinking of this and other things when Yuan burst through the door.
Yuan: Our garden is growing out of control! It’s going to eat us both alive if we don’t do something!
Kratos: What? I told you an exsphere-enhanced garden was a bad idea!
Yuan: I know, but I figured that since we had the two of the last exspheres in the universe we might as well use them for something non-violent, like gardening!
Kratos: But those Cruxis Crystals are the very substance that keeps us alive! Without them, we’ll die!
Yuan: I wish you would’ve told me that before I put them on the plants!
Kratos: We must retrieve them!
Yuan: Ok then, let’s go!
Kratos: Well...after tea.
Yuan: Right. After tea. (Sits down and takes a crumpet)
Meanwhile, back at Zelos’ Mansion...
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?!
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: Standing right before them was a monster so hideous it could destroy and entire village with ugliness alone. But since Zelos’ sense of decoration was so terrible, it had only succeeded in destroying half of his house. It was as big as a house and twice as fat. Its whole body was covered in some nasty blue gunk. The guests that had survived the first blast of ugliness now quivered in fear before this gruesome beast.
Presea: Wow...it sort of looks like Colette from over here.
Evil Monster: WHERE ANGEL?!?!
Genis: Oh great, it’s speaking caveman.
Raine: I’ll look it up in the Monster List.
Zelos: It must be looking for Lloyd.
Evil Monster: WHERE PRETTY ANGEL GIRLY?
Zelos: Yep, that’s definitely Lloyd.
Sheena: (Slaps Zelos at the same time Lloyd punches him)
Zelos: (Is knocked out)
Lloyd: Now that that’s taken care of, let’s get rid of this thing.
Raine: I’ve got it! That thing’s called a Tuckwood. It was named after someone called Mrs. Tuckwood, who was the most annoying teacher in the history of the world. It is said that--
Lloyd: Who cares? Take this! (Tries to use Rising Pheonix, but bounces off of the Tuckwood’s belly) Ahh! How’re we supposed to beat this thing?
Tuckwood: PAUSE!!! PAUSE!!!
Raine: That’s its battle cry.
Sheena: Pause? That’s a weird battle cry.
Genis: I’ll show you your powerlessness! Indignation Judgment! (His attack bounces off of the Tuckwood and hits him instead). Ahh! How are we supposed to win against something so fat?!?
Sheena: I know! We’ll fight fat with fat! My people have just made a new summon spirit! I’ll try summoning it! I call upon the epitome of pink! I summon thee! Come, Kirby!
Kirby: Bwaiyoh!
Sheena: Kirby! Go attack the Tuckwood!
Kirby: Hi!!!! (Sucks up half of the cake in the room and passes out from the poison)
Sheena: That didn’t have quite the effect I’d hoped for.
Sofaspud23: Then the Tuckwood, being such a pig, spotted the cake and devoured all but one. The poison took effect immediately, and the Tuckwood fell to the ground, holding its stomach.
Tuckwood: Pause....
Mysterious Voice: That’s enough. Go back.
Tuckwood: (Vanishes)
Mysterious Voice: I see you’re more capable than I had imagined.
Regal: Who are you? Show yourself!
Mysterious Voice: Of course not! If I did that, it’d spoil all the fun. But since you have cake, I may as well show myself.
Sofaspud23: A six-winged angel appeared as if out of nowhere. All six of its wings were black to match its hair, which was a bit like a mixture of Genis’ and Kratos’ hairstyles. That’s not saying much since they’re both almost exactly the same.
Lloyd: But how could an angel exist!? We destroyed every single exsphere! Well, except for ours, but those were just souvenirs!
Creepy Demonic Angel: Did you really think the only angels in existence were the exsphere-induced ones? You’re as stupid as they come. Yes, real angels actually do exist, and just as there are light ones there are dark ones. I would explain it in more simple terms for your tiny brains, but I don’t have the time for that. Just give me the girl!
Lloyd: All right, let’s give him Colette.
Genis: But what about your “no more sacrifices” policy?
Lloyd: Who cares? It’s Colette, for pity’s sake!
Sheena: I agree with Lloyd. She tried to kill me, having someone like that around is dangerous!
Raine: I do suppose we’d be better off without her...
Creepy Demonic Angel: And don’t worry. It’s not like I’ll use the power in her exsphere to take control of your puny little planet and turn it into a lot for my minions to park their cars in, and then take control of the entire galaxy and use my power to eliminate the light angels. There’s no way I’d do that. (Had his fingers crossed behind his back during his speech)
Regal: Of course. Only someone evil would do something like that. I trust you.
Genis: Am I the only who thinks he’s evil?
Lloyd: Don’t be stupid, Genis. Of course he isn’t evil! How could he be evil? He promised not take control of the galaxy or anything!
Presea: There’s something wrong. They’re usually not this stupid.
Raine: Stupid? You’re the ones who are being stupid! I can’t believe you think this nice angel’s lying!
Genis: (sarcasm) Oh, sorry. I couldn’t help but notice that there’s a demonic aura around him.
Presea: Not you too, Genis!
Genis: That was sarcasm, Presea.
Presea. Oh. I apologize.
Genis: It’s nothing.
Lloyd: Genis, are you out of your mind? Let me put you out of your misery! (Draws swords)
Sofaspud23: Lloyd, Sheena, Raine, and Regal drew their weapons and walked towards Genis and Presea, who backed away unsure of what to do.
Genis: Lloyd! What’re you doing? I’m your best friend!
Presea: It’s no use, Genis. He doesn’t recognize you at all.
Creep Demonic Angel: That’s right. And as long as I’m here, he never will. Give me the angel girl and I’ll spare your lives.
Genis: Can you take Zelos instead?
Creepy Demonic Angel: No, only the Chosen will do.
Presea: Well, Zelos is a Chosen...
Creepy Demonic Angel: I’m sorry, but no.
Genis: We’ll hand her over, but only if you explain why everybody’s attacking us.
Creepy Demonic Angel: You’re in no position to be making bargains, boy. But I will explain it to you, nonetheless. See this fairy?
Sofaspud23: The angel pulled a bottle with a small golden glow in it out of his pocket. When you looked close, you could tell it was a girl and was very scantily clad. She had obviously noticed this and was struggling to cover her...ahem...parts. She was about the size of one’s middle finger, and was shaking with cold and fear. Genis felt sorry for the fairy and was determined to free it no matter what.
Creepy Demonic Angel: It was a pain to catch. Fairies are invisible to those whose bodies have reached a mature age. You two can see it because you are both children. Once you’re 14 or so, they’ll disappear from your sights.
Presea: ...
Creepy Demonic Angel: Fairies also have the power to influence adults to do anything. They only use in order to wipe the memories of adults who have discovered their secret village. I have learned to harness this power to force anyone to do anything I want. Except kids, but what’ll they do? Now, tell me where the girl is or you’ll pay with your lives!
Genis: Never!
Creepy Demonic Angel: Fine then! Prepare to die!
Sofaspud23: As he said those last few words, Presea rushed past the angel’s minions who were now just standing there awaiting orders, and snatched the fairy in the jar from the angel’s grasp.
Minions: (All collapse from exhaustion because they weren’t under the angel’s control anymore)
Creepy Demonic Angel: My minions! They’ve collapsed! And they aren’t under my control any more! Why you little--- (blasts Presea with a beam of darkness)
Genis: No! Presea! (Runs over to Presea, who had collapsed in a lifeless heap on the floor) You...I’ll kill you!!! (Is surrounded by a golden light, which heals Presea and surrounds her too)
Sofaspud23: For those of you who are wondering, this isn’t a rip-off of Dragonball Z. When Presea fell, the jar shattered and the fairy was free. She then went by the code of the fairies and lent Genis and Presea, who released her, her power. She’s currently searching for something suitable to wear, and then she’ll return to serve Genis and Presea for all eternity. And their descendants, too. She’ll always go to the child with the highest magical power. But enough of fairy etiquette, let’s return to the battle with the creepy demonic angel.
Presea: This energy...what is it?
Genis: I don’t know, but I do know that we can kill that evil angel with it! Let’s go! (Draws his sword, which had suddenly appeared next to his kendama, and runs at the dark angel. But, being the gentleman he was, allowed Presea to go before him. Then they both charged at the angel and took a swipe at him. They both hit him at the same time, and that was more than enough to injure him severely.
Creepy: Demonic Angel: Ahhh! Your power...it’s so....powerful....damn. I can’t go on like this! But I will take your friend’s birthday presents! And your last piece of cake! Muahaha! (Takes a bite out of the cake) Eww! It’s spicy! And it’s poisoned, too! Now I have to buy a Pacanacnea bottle. No wait, Panacanea. Or is it Panacacana? Dammit, I don’t know! You’re more formidable of an opponent than I had thought! But I’ll return, mark my words! And I’m going to find the gold at the end of this treasure map, too! Wahaha! (Cough) I still can’t believe that cake was spicy. No wonder the Tuckwood wouldn’t eat it. We shall meet again! (Vanishes)
Genis: Well, that was weird.
Presea: No kidding. Hey, our little friend’s back.
Sofaspud23: The fairy had indeed returned, and was fully clothed this time. She fluttered around their heads a couple of times, and then spoke.
Fairy: Hi!!! I’m Nikki! Thank you so much for freeing me! I couldn’t stand another minute around that guy! Since you freed me, now, by our custom, I’m to accompany you and be your friend until the day you die, in which case I’ll die. Don’t worry, it seems more brutal than it really is. I’m pretty much just your best friend until both of you pass away, and then my daughter, if I have one, will be your kids’ best friend, and then their children’s children, and then their children’s children after that, and you get the idea.
Genis: So you’re our fairy?
Nikki: Yup!
Presea: And what was all that golden light surrounding us? Was that you?
Nikki: Yeah! You guys didn’t have enough magic in you to have a fairy, so I gave your blood more magic. It’s sort of a ritual you go through before you get a fairy. Oh, and you get used to the pointy ears after a while.
Genis: Pointy ears?
Nikki: Fine, pointi-er ears, whatever!
Presea: (feels ears) You’re right, they are pointy...if that’s even a word...
Genis: And one more thing, what did you mean by our children?
Nikki: What? Is she not your mate?
Genis: Umm...we’re kind of young...
Nikki: (cheeks turn red) Well, I kind of...married you two...in the ritual...
Genis and Presea: WHAT?!?
Nikki: Sorry!
Colette: (wakes up) Hi Genis! Hi Presea! Why is everybody on the ground? Is it nap time? I like naps! Aww, where’d all the cake go?
Genis: Why didn’t we let him take her with him?
Presea: It was for the sake of the galaxy.
Genis: Yeah, but was it really worth it?
Presea: No. It wasn’t.
Everyone else: (wakes up)
Lloyd: What happened? Where’s the creepy demonic angel?
Genis: Presea and I beat it!
Lloyd: Who are you? What did you do with Genis? If you’ve done anything to Genis, then I swear I’ll---
Raine: Lloyd! I don’t believe it, but that is Genis, and that’s Presea! They’ve somehow turned into elves!
Lloyd: Elves?
Zelos: Wow, so we finally have some elves in the group!
Colette: Your ears are pointy! Heehee! Pointy! That reminds me of ponies...I like ponies! And naps. And cake, too! Mmm...cake....
Sheena: And what’s that on your fingers? Are those wedding rings?!?! Did you two get married!?!?
Genis: Uhh....no...these are....mood rings! They tell whether you’re dead or alive. When you’re alive, they’re made out of diamonds. When you’re dead, they look exactly the same but are a little bit less shiny.
Colette: I like shiny things! Wahoo! Shiny!
Lloyd: Works for me.
Sheena: I’m still a little skeptical, but it’s not my business.
Zelos: Hey, it’s still my birthday for a few more minutes! Let’s celebrate!
Sheena: How about you hang out with Gnome instead? I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Hi Sheena! Hey, Genis and Presea have a fairy! And they’re married, too!
All: It’s a mood ring!
Gnome: Sure, whatever!
Lloyd: ...? No one here ever makes sense...
Zelos: Hey Gnome, let’s hang out in my destroyed mansion!
Gnome: Sounds fun! Woohoo!!!
Sheena: I’m glad that’s over with.
Sofaspud23: Thanks to all my fans for reading this far! Coming Soon!
The Shadow of the Past Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm by Sofaspud23
Tales of Irmphitria by Sofaspud23
Tales of Symphonia 2: Darkness Unleashed by Derek the Demon Prince
So be sure not to miss the next exciting chapter of “The Shadow of the Past” And you know what? It probably still won’t have anything to do with shadows or the past! Go figure!


Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm
Sofaspud23: I have nothing against rappers or the crocodile hunter. And I don’t own them, either. Nor do I own Namco, Tales of Symphonia, any of their characters or cities, or crumpets.
Derek the Demon Prince: Here’s a little tip for you! Unless you like to listen to the ramblings of a guy who lives in the middle of nowhere, you’ll want to skip this first line...or paragraph, whatever.
Sofaspud23: Hiya, and welcome to The Shadow of the Past Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm. Yes, this is the fateful chapter where you discover how the story was named. But since I just had to have some randomness in the title, we’ve titled it “The Meaning of Sarcasm”, because of about 4 lines of text. Many thanks to RoyalFanatic for reviewing! And I’m sorry I haven’t updated more, but the Fall Festival was in town. It’s a sort of carnival that comes to our town every fall. Although I know you’re all just dying to hear my story (sarcasm), I’ll just skip over that for now and tell the story I came here to tell.
Derek the Demon Prince: Wow, a whopping 6 lines! I think you set a new record for the longest into ever...
Sofaspud23: Sh-shut up!
Derek the Demon Prince: Whatever, just start the story already!
Sofaspud23: Fine! Here we go. Lloyd had just walked into the Meltokio inn with Sheena at his side, only to find that the entire group was staying at the inn (even Zelos, because his house had been destroyed by pure ugliness).
Lloyd: So you guys are all staying here, too?
Genis: Yep. The whole city was obliterated by ugliness, except for this one place which was spared because Zelos was the one who decorated it. You fight ugliness with ugliness, right? The castle’s still there, too. I don’t know why, but maybe it has something to do with the graffiti of Zelos’ face on the side. It’s anyone’s guess.
Zelos: If I knew what that meant, I’d be offended!
Sheena: (sarcasm) Wow, Zelos! What a burn that was! I swear, you couldn’t come up with a good comeback for the life of you.
Zelos: Oh yeah? Well...I am rubber and you are glue! Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! How was that for a comeback? Huh? Huh? Beat that!
Sheena: You moron...
Zelos: You...you...
Lloyd: Man, out-burned by Genis. Even I could do better than that!
Genis: What-did-you-say? I’ll give you a burn! Explos-
Presea: Genis, that’s stupid. Blowing him up won’t solve anything.
Genis: Well, I guess so...
Presea: That’s why you hit him with an axe! Devastation! Dual Infliction! Eternal Damnation!
Lloyd: (Gets hit by everything Presea throws at him) Aaah! Okay, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
Presea: That’s what I thought.
Genis: Wow, Presea! That was way better than blowing him up!
Presea: (giggles) I know.
Sofaspud23: Everyone sat in awed silence, so surprised that Presea had giggled. Except for Genis, who was deep in conversation with Presea. After a while, the group parted and everyone said good night and went to their separate rooms. The next morning, they all looked forward to a homemade breakfast by Genis...but Raine woke up earlier and had made pancakes...so anyone with half a brain ate at McDonald’s. Then they all went their separate ways. Sheena and Lloyd were on their way to Mizuho to pay a visit to the new Summon Spirit Lab there. Genis and Raine were going to the ruins of the Tower of Salvation to pray at Mithos’ grave. Zelos was going to stalk Lloyd and Sheena, hoping to kill Lloyd. Colette was headed for Altamira, to star in “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone Had Poisoned the Cake” at the theatre area. Regal was with her, since he also had business in Altamira. He was wondering if traveling with her was worth the 6 billion Gald waiting at Altamira. Presea was traveling with Raine and Genis. Kratos and Yuan had just finished their tea and crumpets, and were off to fetch their exspheres.
Lloyd: Hey, Sheena.
Sheena: Yeah, Lloyd?
Lloyd: I’ve been meaning to ask, what does sarcasm mean? (whole reason for the chapter’s title)
Sheena: You don’t know? No wonder you’re always so clueless. At least a quarter of the script in the game was sarcasm!
Lloyd: So, what does it mean?
Sheena: I can’t really explain it...let’s ask Presea! She’s a walking dictionary! Hey, Presea! What’s the definition of sarcasm?
Presea: Sarcasm? It’s, like, when someone says something they don’t really mean, y’know?
Lloyd: Hey! I can actually understand you now!
Sheena: Lloyd, don’t---wait, I can understand you too! What happened to all the big words you used to use all the time?
Presea: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Hey, we’re leaving! Bye! (leaves with Genis and Raine)
Lloyd: Wow, now she actually seems human.
Sheena: She’s fallen in love with Genis and that’s awakened her inner personality! Isn’t it so romantic?
Lloyd: Uhh, sure, I guess so.
Sheena: We never talk anymore! Why don’t you ever listen to me?
Lloyd: What?!? Ah, I uh...
Sofaspud23: We leave Lloyd in a particularly uncomfortable situation to attend to more important matters elsewhere...
Lloyd: Hey, don’t leave me here!!
Sofaspud23: On Derris-Kharlan...
Kratos: (into camera) Hi there. I’m Kratos. And this is my best bud, Yuan.
Yuan: (Steve Irwin accent) Today, we’re on the trail of a vicious man-eating plant. It stole our exspheres and now we’re out to get ‘em back! Crikey!
Kratos: And remember kids, if you should ever come across some exsphere-enhanced killer plants, contact the proper authorities and do not try to attack them stupidly like we are!
Yuan: Look! There they are! Such beautiful creatures, so majestic, so...
Kratos: Can we just get the exspheres and leave?
Yuan: Patience, Kratos. We’ve got to sneak up on them very slowly, otherwise they’ll get spooked.
Kratos: Sure thing. (jumps into the garden) Prepare to die, evil plant! Oh no! No! Noooooo! Don’t throw tomatoes at me!!! Please!!! NOOOOO!!!! (runs out of the garden)
Yuan: Like I said, be stealthy...(sneaks up behind the plant and takes one of the exspheres) Now, let’s sneak out of here very slowly...Crikey! (the plant spots him and throws tomatoes at him)
Kratos: Couldn’t you have gotten my exsphere, too?
Yuan: But without an exsphere, this beauty would perish right quick. I wouldn’t harm an innocent creature!
Kratos: (sigh) If you’re talking like the crocodile hunter, then I’ll be a rapper! Yo yo, dawg! Why you be trippin over some plant when I be in da house, yo?
Yuan: Crikey! He’s gone completely bananas! The heat must be getting to him! He’s speaking some foreign language!
Kratos: Yo, we in da hood now, yo! Let’s get dis party started!
Yuan: (normal) Seriously, you make a really bad rapper.
Kratos: You ain’t all dat and a bag o’ chips as da crocodile hunta, yo!
Yuan: Look! Your bad acting is killing the plant! Go take your exsphere!
Kratos: Roger dat! (goes and grabs the exsphere)
Yuan: Okay, I’ll stop talking like Steve Irwin if you stop talking like a rapper.
Kratos: Agreed.
Sofaspud23: Meanwhile, on the road to Altamira...
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: Yes.
Colette: Really? Yay!!! Wait...this is a trick, isn’t it? You just said that to trick me! We aren’t even anywhere near there, are we?
Regal: No, we’re really there.
Colette: Riiiight. And I suppose you’re telling me the big sign that says, “Welcome to Altamira” is real, too? I’m not falling for it, Regal! That’s so lame. Go trick somebody else!
Regal: Fine, whatever...(enters Altamira, followed by Colette)
Colette: Hey Regal, are we there yet? And is there cake where we’re going? I like cake! And cheese. Ooh, and cheesecake! And ducks. I like ducks. Quack! Quack! Ducks go quack! Hehehehehehe! (does Mithos’ evil laugh)
Regal: That’s a very disturbing laugh.
Colette: Quack! Heehee!
Regal: Why me?
Sofaspud23: At the Ruins of the Tower of Salvation...
Genis: Rest in peace, Mithos.
Raine: You miss him, don’t you?
Genis: He was a good friend...
Raine: A worthy opponent...
Presea: A...uh...a good friend...
Raine: We already said that one.
Presea: What else is there?
Genis: I don’t know. There aren’t really that many great values about Mithos. Let’s see...a guy who looked like a girl?
Presea: That’s true, but it doesn’t seem very fitting at a grave.
Genis: You’re right.
Raine: Are we done? Because I made cookies!
Genis and Presea: (unison) Uhm, no! No, we’re not done! Mithos was, ah, ah, a good friend! A worthy opponent! A guy who looked like a girl! Just don’t make us eat the cookies! Wow, that was weird. We just said the same thing at the same time. Hey, it happened again!.........(pause for a while)....... Higabiggaboo! Creepy...it’s like we’re linked or something...
Raine: (just stares at the two of them) Wait...the only way for you two to say the exact same thing at the exact same time would be if you had...FAIRY GODPARENTS!!!!!!!! (Spazzes out)
Nikki: (waves hand in front of Raine’s face) These are not the droids you are looking for.
Raine: Droids? What droids?
Nikki: See? You don’t even remember they were there.
Raine: Wait, you’re a...FAIRY!!!! (spazzes out)
Nikki: Right, wrong words. (waves hand in front of Raine‘s face) You can’t see me! My time is now!
Raine: (in a trance) I can’t see you...your time is now...
Nikki: (snaps fingers)
Raine: What just happened? FAIRIES!!!! (spazzes out)
Genis: Wow, I can’t believe the author stopped so low as to copy stuff from a cartoon no one watches...
Presea: Yes. It’s kind of creepy...
Genis: Very creepy...
Sofaspud23: At the Summon Spirit Research Lab in Mizuho...
Lloyd: So Kuchinawa said he the summon spirit research paid off? What’d they discover?
Sheena: If I knew that, I wouldn’t be coming here.
Lloyd: Sarcasm, right?
Sheena: No, Lloyd. I meant that.
Lloyd: Oh. Wait, was that sarcasm?
Sheena: (sigh) I think you should just give up on sarcasm. (walks into the Lab to meet Kuchinawa)
Kuchinawa: Hello, Sheena. I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is...the chief died yesterday.
Sheena: What!?! Then what’s the good news?
Kuchinawa: The good news is that I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
Sheena: That’s...great...
Lloyd: Now that was sarcasm! I’m sure of it this time!
Sheena: Yes, Lloyd. That was sarcasm. Congratulations.
Kuchinawa: Now I’ve got good news, great news, bad news, worse news, and horrible news.
Sheena: Joy...
Lloyd: That was sarcasm, too! I’m on a roll here!
Kuchinawa: The good news is that the Summon Sprits’ power has just doubled! The great news is that even more Summon Spirits have been discovered! The bad news is that the Summon Spirits are at the far edges of the galaxy. The worse news is that we don’t have a space shuttle anywhere nearby. And the horrible news is that my meatball marinara sandwich form Subway is burnt! Sweet Italian goodness, and all of it ruined!
Sheena and Lloyd: WHAT?
Kuchinawa: I know! The cheap bastards at Subway burnt the sandwich! I swear, I’m going to file a complaint!
Sheena: No, not that! You mean there are more Summon Spirits? In outer space?
Kuchinawa: Yes. If you can find them and make a pact with them, then they’ll be safe from evil forces.
Lloyd: But there’s no rush, right? It isn’t like anybody else is going to journey through the cold depths of space to form a pact with a few Summon Spirits, right?
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Ooh, suspense! You gotta love it! And I don’t own the weird Fairly Oddparents stuff I put in there. Join us next time for “The Shadow of the Past: Another Journey Begins” Until then, here’s a new trend I’m starting! I’ll put a random quote at the end of each chapter, and say what it’s from and who said it at the beginning of the next one. The first person to send a review or an email or a comment with the correct answer gets a reward! Rewards are usually input into the fanfic, such as adding characters, places, and sometimes even events, into the fanfic. (NOTE: It is useless to send in answers to quotes from previous chapters) My email address is sofaspud23@aol.com, so email me what this is from and who said it:
“Try not. Do...or do not. There is no try.”

HINT: This guy seems a little bit green in the face, but that’s just my opinion.
Think you know it? If you do, then write in a review or an email or a comment with who said it, what it’s from, and what you want to add to the story. It can’t be too drastic, nothing that would change the storyline extremely. Yes, I actually am working on a possible storyline...it involves making fun of wrestling...a lot...but for now, good bye and good luck!


Chapter 4: Another Journey Begins
Disclaimer: Sofaspud23 does not claim ownership of Namco, Tales of Symphonia, Subway, Days of our Lives, the WWE, Family Guy, Star Wars, the song “Blue”, or Pizza Hut.
Sofaspud23: I apologize for the many typos in the previous chapter, and for those who figured out who said the quote and couldn’t send me anything, I send my sincere apologies. The story submit part at fanfiction.net wouldn’t put my address in the document. It’s sofaspud23(a)aol.com. The a in the circle won’t show up in the writing, so I have to improvise. So I’m sorry if you were unable to send me anything. And I forgot about this: I do not own McDonald’s. I didn’t put that in the disclaimer for the last chapter. And I also forgot to edit out the part about that chapter being the one where we discover the meaning of the fanfic’s title. That’s this chapter. Sorry to get your hopes up! But it’s definitely this one. Did you guess who said the quote? It was Yoda from Star Wars in the fifth one! Now, here’s chapter 4: Another Journey Begins!
Derek the Demon Prince: I stand corrected. This is the longest intro ever. 8 lines!!! I’m amazed!
Sofaspud23: I’ll ignore that for now.
Derek the Demon Prince: But--
Sofaspud23: Shhh! Are you going to talk during the story?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, no...
Lloyd: It isn’t like anybody else is going to journey through the cold depths of space to form a pact with a few Summon Spirits, right?
Derek the Demon Prince: What? Who said that?
Sofaspud23: Shh, it’s starting!
Derek the Demon Prince: Oh! Why didn’t you say something?
Z E L O S
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Lloyd: That voice sounds familiar...
Zelos: (falls from the ceiling) It’s me!!! And you’re wrong because I’m going with ya, buddy! And we’ll gather up everybody else too! It’ll be like a road trip!
Sheena: Except there’s no road...
Zelos: Right! Let’s go get the others! But we’ll take our sweet little time. There’s no reason to hurry, right?
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Zelos: Hey! I’m the one who says that!
Mysterious Voice: What? (Checks script) No, it says here that I say it the second time.
Zelos: (looks at his script) Oh, I guess you’re right. It’s just so confusing! There are way too many mysterious voices!
Mysterious Voice: Tell me about it. At any rate...(clears throat)...that’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Alas, the creepy demonic angel from earlier had appeared before them!
Lloyd: Colette’s not here! What do you want now, creepy demonic angel?
Creepy Demonic Angel: Insolence! You will call me by my name: Scipio.
Sheena: Scipio? What kind of jacked up name is that supposed to be?
Scipio: Silence, human!
Lloyd: Wait! That was sarcasm, I just know it!
All: (give Lloyd a look of pity)
Lloyd: What?
Scipio: That is so sad...
Sheena: Don’t change the subject! What do you want?
Scipio: You will address me by my name! Scipio!
Sheena: I’ll call you what I want to call you!
Kuchinawa: SHUT UP!!!! I’m on the phone with Subway. They say they’ll give us all free sandwiches for a year because they burnt mine. What do you all want?
Lloyd: Italian bread, pepper jack with everything on it but tomatoes.
Sheena: The same, but hold the cucumbers and extra pineapple.
Zelos: I’m on a diet, so I’ll have the southwest chicken wrap.
Scipio: Meatball Marinara...
Kuchinawa: You too? High five, my man! Word!
Sofaspud23: So the Subway delivery guy drove up in his car with the cool little Subway sign on top, and they all ate and chatted with each other, setting aside their differences.
L L O Y D
Lloyd: So Scipio, what’d you come all the way here for?
Scipio: A number of things, actually. Mizuho is widely known for its superb curry.
Lloyd: I see. You know they put pineapple in it, right?
Scipio: Do they now? Hmm, how very interesting.
Sheena: So what other reason is there?
Scipio: Well, I’d heard that there was a sword around here that could send one into outer space, called “The Infernal Sword” or something of the like. It’s purple, which is a strange color for a sword. I planned on stealing it and using it to explore the deepest regions of space, therefore forming pacts with all 12 of the new Summon Spirits and then using their power, combined with the fake angel girl, to revive Mithos the Hero and his sister Martel. But of course, I can plainly see that The Infernal Sword is merely a myth. This sandwich is superb, by the way.
Sofaspud23: Everyone stared dumbfounded at Scipio, except for Lloyd who of course thought he was being sarcastic.
Lloyd: Riiiiiight. Hey, I’ve got a purple sword! And it can control space and time! It’s called The Eternal Sword! It’s name sounds a lot like that Infernal Sword, doesn’t it? Here, I’ll show it to you! (pulls out the Eternal Sword and hands it to Scipio)
Scipio: Yes! Muahahahahahahaha!!!! With this, I’ll rule the universe!
Eternal Sword: You have not the right.
Scipio: (is knocked away) Ugh! I cannot use this sword! It remains, as by Mithos’ pact, unusable by those who lack the blood of elves! I must master the sword by my own power and forge a new bond with it!
Sheena: Wow, he got it a lot faster than you did, Lloyd.
Scipio: Ah, screw it! I’ll just blow it up! Dark Judgment!
Sofaspud23: Beams of darkness rose from the ground, disintegrating whatever they touched...including the Eternal Sword.
Scipio: Dammit, now how am I going to go into space? Hey, maybe I could just fly out there! I don’t need to breathe, after all! Stupid me! See you, everybody! Thanks for the sandwiches!
All: Bye, Scipio! We’ll see you later! It was fun talking!
S H E E N A
Sheena: Hey wait, didn’t he just disintegrate the Eternal Sword?
Lloyd: Yeah, so what?
Sheena: We need the Eternal Sword to travel into space to form Summon Spirit pacts!
Zelos: We could just go to Cape Carnival! It’s a space needle surrounded by a giant circus tent!
Lloyd: But how’ll we get there without Rheairds?
Zelos: Can’t we just walk there? It isn’t restricted or anything.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Lloyd: Scipio, you already came in! You’ve left for this scene. When you run out of pages to read, then you’re done.
Scipio: But I thought you went back to the first page. It says “back” right here.
Sheena: That’s just telling you it’s the back of the page.
Scipio: Oh, now it makes sense! Thanks! Bye!
All: Bye!
Zelos: Where was I? Ah, yes! Can’t we just walk there? It isn’t restricted or anything.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Zelos: Scipio, what now?
Mysterious Voice: I’m not Scipio, I’m Forrest. Forrest Forrester.
Zelos: Oh. Then it’s your line now...I think. Dammit, Sofaspud23! Quit giving the mysterious voices the same line!
Lloyd: Zelos, why are you shouting at the sky?
Zelos: Umm...no reason...
Mysterious Voice: Okay then, here goes! That’s where you’re wrong...
R E G A L
Sofaspud23: Regal was happy. He had 37 billion Gald in his left pocket, and 17 billion Gald in his right. There was no way anything could spoil his mood. Or so he thought. He decided to go to a play, after seeing the movie, “Tales of Irmphitria”. Ever since the journey to stop Mithos, people had been coming up with all sorts of stories about what had been happening to everybody and calling them “fanfictions”. It’s a fusion of the words “fan” and “fiction”. Regal thought the word was brilliant, but some of the stories were half-baked. After all...Irmphitria? Come on, how corny is that? At any rate, Regal was going to see a play called, “We Were Just Wondering If Anyone Had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” It couldn’t be that good, since Colette was in it. He bought tickets and took his seat. When the show started he saw Colette in a duck costume walking around saying “Moo! I’m a cow!” This continued for most of the play until a piece of cake was placed near the duck/cow/Colette.
Duck/Cow/Colette: Hey look, cake! (eats cake)
Sofaspud23: On the way out, Colette unfortunately caught up with Regal.
Colette: Hi! I like cake!
Regal: That was the worst play I’ve ever seen! What was the point of it?
Colette: Loopy, loopy, loopy, loopy...
Regal: I wasted 5 of my 54 billion Gald to see you waddle around in a duck costume!
Colette: Hey! That’s mean!
Regal: Sorry, but--
Colette: I was a flamingo! Flamingos go moo and are yellow, right? Of course!
Regal: Ooookay...
Colette: I miss Stewie...
Regal: Stewie?
Colette: He’s a baby with a head shaped like a football who is bent on taking over the world. I miss him...
Regal: Great...
Colette: STEWIE!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! WE HAD SO LITTLE TIME TOGETHER!!!!!
Regal: Don’t yell! What happened to Stewie?
Colette: Who’s Stewie?
Regal: The baby bent on taking over the world who you were just talking about.
Colette: I like cake! SPLEEN!!!!
Regal: Never mind...
Colette: Hey, what’s that flying above our heads?
Regal: I don’t believe it, it’s...
Colette: BROWNIES!!!!!
C O L E T T E
Sofaspud23: I apologize, but Colette’s thoughts at this moment are nearly impossible to translate. I only bothered translating two lines because I got bored and went on telling Raine’s story. The rest is in its original format. This is only a portion of the whole collection of Colette‘s current thoughts, which is 3 pages long.
Colette: It’s a squirrel!
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Colette: Ooh, it’s got cake!
Flying Squirrel: Yadsruht no yrdnual pu kcip.
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawaga....
Colette: Tuo teg ot elbissopmi ylraen era sniats ittehgaps!
Flying Squirrel: Hcaelb Xorolc devorpmi dna wen s’ereht yhw s’taht!
Colette: S’ybra gnikniht m’I...
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga....
Flying Squirrel: Yzarc nialp tsuj. Etteloc, yzarc er’uoy.
Colette: Ekac ekil I!
Flying Squirrel: (yawa seilf)
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Sofaspud23: As I said, it doesn’t make much sense...at all. It’s just three pages of complete nonsense. So let’s just get on with the next part of the story.
R A I N E
Sofaspud23: Raine, Genis, and Presea were on the way to meet Lloyd, as they had planned. Apparently Kuchinawa had some important news for all of them. They were nearly there when suddenly...
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Genis: Here she goes again...
Presea: How many times is this?
Genis: I lost count...
Raine: This rock is like, totally gray! I mean seriously, it’s gray! Isn’t that creepy?
Genis: Remind me again how she got like this?
Presea: Okay...(starts flashback)
Genis: No! No flashbacks! Just tell me!
Presea: Right. (stops flashback) You remember, don’t you?
Genis: Yeah, but there might be some guy writing down what we say to post on the Internet, so that a couple of random people on their lunch break can kill time by reading it, and get a couple of laughs out of it. We wouldn’t want to disappoint them!
Presea: You’re right, that seems logical. Okay then, Raine kept spazzing out about fairies, so Nikki got mad and cast a spell to make her eternally stupid and preppy.
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Genis: What is it this time?
Raine: Like, your hair is so totally pink! That’s so 2 days, 6 hours, 27 minutes and 13 seconds ago! Puh-lease! Don’t you know anything about fashion? And your ears are so pointy, you look so ugly! Geez, you’re so stupid. Are you a goth or something? Eww!
Nikki: (appears out of nowhere wearing a bunch of fancy bling) Speaking of the EWW, John Cena is so HOT!
Presea: Who’s John Cena? And why is he hot? He should stand by an air vent if he’s that hot.
Nikki: John Cena is only the best wrestler the EWW has ever seen! He’s so dreamy...
Genis: The EWW? I’ve never heard of that.
Nikki: You haven’t? It’s like the WWE, only it isn’t fake! And you get to use weapons and magic! They’re more like gladiator matches than anything else. John Cena is from West Newberry, Massachusetts and he’s so hot...
Presea: I’m still not understanding why he’s hot. Any why the heck isn’t he going outside? It’s autumn! It isn’t hot outside!
Genis: Massachusetts? That sounds like a place Gnome would make up.
Nikki: It does too exist!
Genis: Sure it does.
P R E S E A
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Presea: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?!
Raine: Oh, you did NOT just go there! (slaps Presea)
Presea: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?! ETERNAL DAMNATION!!!!
Genis: I’m sorry, Raine! But you won’t shut up! I call upon thee in the land of the dead to unleash thy fury of thunder! Indignation!
Presea: Rising Punishment!
Genis: Now!
Presea: Lightning Punishment!
Raine: Omigosh! I like, totally wasn’t even close to strong enough! Awesome! (passes out)
Presea: I’m glad that’s over with.
Genis: We can heal her once we get to Mizuho, which shouldn’t take too long. We’re not going to have any detours or anything.
Presea: Actually, I was kind of hoping that we could do something else...
Genis: Like what?
Presea: Well you know, we’re married now, and we’re all by ourselves without anyone to watch over us...
Nikki: I’m here!
Presea: But you’re our fairy and you wouldn’t stop us...
Genis: From what?
Presea: Going to Pizza Hut and using Raine’s credit card to buy the food, of course!
G E N I S
Genis: This was a great idea! (finishes his slice of pepperoni)
Presea: I know! And Raine’s the one who’ll pay for it! (takes a bite out of a breadstick)
Genis: What about dessert? Do we want Cinnamon Sticks or dessert pizza?
Presea: Both!
Genis: Great! Waiter!
Presea: But after dessert, we’d better get back to Lloyd and the others.
Genis: Yeah. But we can eat dessert first. It isn’t like they’re going anywhere.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong.
Genis: Dude, you aren’t in this act.
Mysterious Voice: What? Yeah, I am! It says right here that I come in after you order dessert.
Presea: Are you sure? Because I could’ve sworn you were only in the first act. (checks script)
Mysterious Voice: 5th page, near the top.
Genis: Now I see it!
Presea: I guess you were right after all!
Mysterious Voice: Aren’t I always right?
Genis and Presea: (unison) No.
Mysterious Voice: Oh thanks for the support, guys.
Genis and Presea: (unison) No problem! Whoa, it’s the unison thing again...
Mysterious Voice: Like I was saying before, that’s where you’re wrong...
K R A T O S
Kratos: Hey Yuan, did you see yesterday’s episode of Days of Our Lives?
Yuan: Sorry, I missed it.
Kratos: It was the best one yet! Joanne asked Bobby out, but she really loves George, who thinks he loves Cindy, whose father is in a coma, but actually loves Miranda, whose brother Jeremy is in love with Bobby. He’s gay.
Yuan: Oh, I think I saw that one.
Kratos: You did?
Yuan: Yeah! And then the guy with the chainsaw came by and threatened to kill Kratos if he bored Yuan with any more of his freakin’ soap operas!
Kratos: No, that was a different episode.
Yuan: GRRRRRR!!!
Mysterious Voice: Having fun?
Yuan: Aren’t you supposed to say “That’s where you’re wrong”?
Kratos: Yeah, that’s what you’ve always said.
Mysterious Voice: But if I said “That’s where you’re wrong” now, then it wouldn’t make sense. And my mommy taught me to always use correct grammar.
Kratos: He’s got a point...
Yuan: Well, in answer to your question, no! We are most definitely NOT having fun! Sofaspud23 didn’t give us a very big part in this chapter! All we do is sit here and talk about stupid Days of our Lives.
Kratos: It’s not stupid!!!
Mysterious Voice: What? Days of our Lives isn’t stupid! Are you crazy?
Yuan: Great, I’m surrounded by morons.
Mysterious Voice: See, now it makes sense! That’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Who are these mysterious voices whom we seem to meet much too often? Find out in the next chapter which shall remain nameless for now! In the meantime, here’s tonight’s quote:

“What you see is what you get. I’m just a guy that loves adventure!”

If you know who said it, then send in your answer in a review or an email to Sofaspud23(a)aol.com. If you’re still stumped, here’s a hint: “Everything is blue to him, and himself, and everybody around” Good luck! If you’re right, you get input into the next chapter!




The Shadow of the Past Chapter 5: A Series of Semi-Unfortunate Events
Disclaimer: I do not own the Arby’s and Clorox Bleach stuff from last chapter, Big Show, Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo, Cinnamon Sticks, Days of our Lives, the Ferrari brand, Green Day, JBL, Mrs. Tuckwood and her pet Kevin, Namco, People Magazine, Quizno’s, Rey Mysterio, Ric Flair, Schlotsky’s, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Sony PSP, Subway, Tales of Symphonia, or “Wake Me Up When September Ends”
Other Disclaimer: And this fanfic does not necessarily depict the views of Sofaspud23, except for his actual lines.
Sofaspud23: Today is a very exciting day. Today we introduce someone new to our intro cast! It’s Whatsername! I’d tell you all about her, but certain people...(glances at Derek the Demon Prince) think that my intros are getting too long. So I’ll let her speak for herself.
Whatsername: My name is Whatsername, because Sofaspud23 couldn’t think of a name when he needed someone new for the intro. I’m a rebel, a vigilante, whatever you want to call it. I’m from Chicago and was raised in Toronto. I have a brother named St. Jimmy. And that’s all you need to know about me.
Derek the Demon Prince: Also, for those of you who were curious, last chapter’s quote was by Sonic the Hedgehog in Sonic Adventure 2: Battle. This chapter will probably be longer than the previous chapter, although chapter 4 was reasonably long. Here’s tonight’s quote, it’ll be shown again at the end of the chapter: “The representative from California has the floor” If you know it, send Sofaspud23 an email or a review with the answer in it. Expect to see more Kratos and Yuan in this chapter.
Sofaspud23: Ha! You both had a longer intro than me!
Whatsername: So?
Derek the Demon Prince: I’m not seeing your point.
Sofaspud23: It’s just...ah, nevermind. Here’s Chapter 5: A Series of Semi-Unfortunate Events
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Part I: Lloyd, Sheena, and Zelos
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...(enters the building)
Zelos: I...I don’t believe it!
Lloyd: What? He looks like a rapper.
Sheena: That’s because he is a rapper, Lloyd! That’s Forrest Forrester! The best-known rapper in the world!
Zelos: And plus, he’s--
Forrest: Da big cheese at da EWW, yo!
Lloyd: Eww!
Forrest: You be hating on da EWW, yo? Dat ain’t good, yo!
Lloyd: What? No, I was just saying what you were. The Eww, right?
Forrest: It’s EWW, yo!
Lloyd: That’s what I said. Eww.
Forrest: Nevermind, yo.
Lloyd: My name’s not Yo!
Zelos: It’s Bud.
Lloyd: Yeah, what he sa--wait, my name’s not Bud!
Forrest: I know. It’s Lloyd. And I know all about you.
Lloyd: Really?
Forrest: Your favorite color is red, you hate tomatoes, your dad exterminated a couple of exsphere-enhanced plants the other day, and you think Quizno’s beats the heck out of Subway, but you eat at Subway anyway because you think Sheena likes it there and you don’t want to make her mad.
Sheena: What? You like Subway less than Quizno’s? Why didn’t you tell me? I love Quizno’s!
Zelos: I’m more of a Schlotsky’s fan.
Kuchinawa: Am I the only one who loves Subway?
All Except Kuchinawa: (unison) Yes. Wow, we’re talking at the same time! This is weird. Stop talking. No, you stop talking! You first! Jinx! Hahahahahahaha!
Kuchinawa: Dammit.
Forrest: As I was saying, the ground around Cape Carnival is the property of the EWW.
Sheena: What does EWW stand for?
Zelos: Extreme World Warriors
Forrest: Yes, exactly. And I hear you guys are pretty good at fighting, so I’m willing to make an offer. You and your buddies make a guest appearance on both Stabkill! and VIOLENCE, and I’ll let you guys use the shuttle at Cape Carnival to go and form picks with the Spiffy Summies.
Sheena: You mean pacts with the Summon Spirits.
Forrest: Whatever, same thing. So do I have a deal?
Lloyd: Nah, we can just use the Eternal Sword.
Sheena: Scipio destroyed it, remember?
Lloyd: Riiiiight. Sure he did. You think I don’t know when you’re sarcastic? You just don’t know me, Sheena.
Sheena: Why did I marry an idiot?
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: Yes! Sheena is divorcing Lloyd! I even got it on tape!
Sheena: I didn’t say that!
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: I know, but People magazine doesn’t need to know that! Now everyone will think you two hate each other! Muahahahahahaha!
Mailman: (delivers the mail, which Kuchinawa goes and gets)
Kuchinawa: Look! It’s already on the front page!
Sheena: But you didn’t even send it yet!
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: I did it telepathically! Wahahahahahahahahahaha!!! (coughs, then takes a deep breath) Wahahahahahahahaha!!! (gets hit by an arrow that Forrest Forrester had shot at him)
Forrest: Sorry, but that was getting really annoying.
Lloyd: (reads magazine) Oh no! Sheena hates me! (starts crying) Why do you hate me, Sheena? WHY???
Sheena: Lloyd, I don’t hate you...
Lloyd: Yes you do!!! The magazine said so!!! You’re just being sarcastic!!!!
Sheena: No, the magazine’s being sarcastic.
Lloyd: What? She’s sarcastic, but the magazine’s sarcastic. Then she says that the magazine’s....AAAAAH!!!! What am I supposed to believe?
Zelos: Lloyd, what’s going on? Don’t lose sight of who you are! No matter who your parents are, no matter your background, you’re still you!
Lloyd: But what does that have to do with anything?
Zelos: Oh. Right, my bad. Just believe that sarcasm doesn’t exist and everything was fine.
Lloyd: Oh. Okay then! Now everything makes sense! The magazine was lying! Got it!
Sheena: I guess you’re better off without sarcasm.
Lloyd: But sarcasm isn’t real, Sheena. Everyone knows that.
Forrest: Sorry to interrupt this thrilling conversation, but we’ve got a tight schedule. Are you in or not?
Sheena: We’re in.
Forrest: Good, because you’ve got a match on VIOLENCE next week.
Lloyd: Wait, shouldn’t we find the others?
Forrest: What? Oh, they’re already at the studio. The rich one, blonde one, smart one, pink-haired one, 4000 year old one that looks 28 or something, blue-haired one that looks like a chick, and the preppy one.
Sheena: Wait, who’s the preppy one if it isn’t Colette?
Forrest: Let’s see, white hair, goes by the name of Raine.
Zelos: She’s not really preppy, but she’s still hot.
Sheena: (slaps Zelos)
Zelos: I wasn’t even hitting on you!
Sheena: You’re just annoying. Don’t talk.
Zelos: (backs a couple of feet away from Sheena) Hey, who are we facing in our first match?
Forrest: Kratos and Yuan will be in the Tag Team #1 contender match against JBL and Ric Flair, Lloyd is in the World Heavyweight #1 contender match versus Big Show. Sheena, Zelos, Presea, and Genis are in a Fatal 4-Way Hell in a Cell Match, and it’s Regal vs. Colette vs. Raine in a Triple Threat Steel Cage Match.
Zelos: That reminds me of Dwarven Vow #36,872: The red cockroach that has lice will never grow to be a centaur with proper armpits.
Sheena: To tell you the truth, I kind of like Dwarven Vow #563: Thou who hits on a violent demonic banshee shall feel its wrath.
Lloyd: Okay, so I sort of liked Dwarven Vow #2,006: He who carries two wooden swords and stupidly tries to hurt somebody with them shall never know the true meaning of sarcasm.
Kuchinawa: I’ve always liked Dwarven Vow #78,464,632,634: Subway is 20 times better than Quizno’s!
Lloyd: That’s not true! Dwarven Vow #78,464,632,634 is to always square dance to the sound of one hand clapping with a paranoid man in a cucumber costume on the 15th Thursday of the year, but only if September 28th is a Tuesday, and there are exactly 6 snails crossing the 263rd interstate of the planet Urgoplex, which has to be filled with illegal aliens at the time, at exactly 2 and a half miles per hour, and one is stepped on by a hitchhiker that turns out to be a leprechaun and is drunk and tries to do the hitchhiking symbol but ends up flipping off cars instead, so he gets his butt kicked by the leader of the snails he inadvertently stepped on, and it has also rained 6.218305134 inches in the form of toadstools with little munchkins eating toast with BBQ sauce on top scattered around on the 7,234th Saturday of the 14th century at no later or earlier than 9:37 PM. Oh, and you have to have a jelly donut with you...and bug spray, unless it’s the 3rd of August, in which case you wouldn’t come across any blood-sucking toolboxes in your basement.
All: Oookay...
Sheena: You can remember all that, but you can’t remember when our anniversary is?
Lloyd: What? Well maybe if you made magic food like Dirk I would.
Sheena: Are you insulting my cooking?
Lloyd: No! No, I was just saying that Dirk’s cooking was magical, and it made me memorize all the dwarven vows.
Sheena: Then when’s our anniversary?
Lloyd: Sept. 10th. That’s why Green Day made the song “Wake Me Up When September Ends” Remember when we went to their concert last year?
Sheena: Oh yeah, that was disastrous. Who could forget that?
Lloyd: Not me. So I do remember our anniversary! Unless...wait, you forgot our anniversary and that’s why you gave me that present the other day while I was square dancing to the sound of one hand clapping with the guy in the cucumber suit!
Sheena: How do you clap with one hand, anyway?
Lloyd: Beats me.
Forrest: Can we get going now?
Zelos: Yeah, let’s go!
Lloyd: To Cape Carnival!!!
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Colette, Regal, and the Flying Squirrel
Whatsername: Oh, and for those of you who didn’t get what Colette and the squirrel were saying, it was all just backwards. Except for Regal’s lines.
Colette: BROWNIES!!!
Regal: I don’t believe it, it’s the dark angel from earlier!
Scipio: That’s the Cruxis girl! I don’t have time for this, Days of Lives starts in 15 minutes! Tuckwood, go!!!
Tuckwood: (appears out of nowhere) PAUSE!!!! KEVIN, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! EVERYONE ELSE, WRITE ME A FIVE PAGE ESSAY ON HOW YOU CAN PERSUADE A COW TO THINK IT’S A DOG, DUE TOMORROW!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Regal: Good god, that thing’s evil! 5 pages long, geez! And that Kevin kid is obviously the teacher’s pet!
Colette: Hey, it looks like a giant piece of cake! I like cake!
Regal: It’s stale cake, so attack it!
Colette: What? No!!! I like cake, especially stale cake.
Derek the Demon Prince: Just attack it, you moron!
Colette: Huh? Oh, hello grass! You’re my friend!
Derek the Demon Prince: Holy crud! You can hear me?
Sofaspud23: Yes, I’m the sky and you’re the grass. Whatsername is the narrator today.
Colette: Hey, now the sky can talk!
Derek the Demon Prince: Why are we the sky and the grass?
Sofaspud23: Like I said, Whatersname’s the narrator today.
Derek the Demon Prince: Oh, I see.
Sofaspud23: Only Zelos and Colette can hear us, because they’re so delusional.
Colette: I love the grass! (hugs the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Aaah! Get off of me, you blonde! Get away! Aaah!
Colette: Why does the grass hate me? I hate you, grass! Die! Die! (stomps on the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Oww! Ouch! Stop that! Ack! That’s it! I’m starting an earthquake!
Regal: Colette, have you gone even crazier than you were? Why are you talking to the grass?
Tuckwood: (After a giant earthquake sunders the land, the Tuckwood trips and bounces into the sky and disappears unto nothingness.
Colette: (flies into the air) Haha! Stupid grass! I can fly!
Derek the Demon Prince: Dammit! Then I’ll just throw this tree at you! Hiyah! (tosses a tree at Colette)
Colette: (catches it) Hey, it’s a tree! Maybe it tastes like cake! I like cake! (takes a bite out of the tree) Mmm, cake...
Derek the Demon Prince: Wait a minute, that was the Symphonia Tree! Just put it back into the ground, Colette! Just put it back into the ground!
Colette: Burn it? Okay! I like fire! And cake! Ooh, wouldn’t a spicy cake be great?
Squirrel That Lives In The Tree: Hey, don’t burn this tree!
Colette: Okay, I’ll burn it! (lights a match)
Derek the Demon Prince: Whatsername? Is that you? Are you the squirrel?
Whatsername: Yep, it’s me! (flies into the air next to Colette) Let me say it in words you’ll understand: Truh steg ydobon dna niaga ssarg eht otni eert eht tnalp.
Colette: Aww, but I like people getting hurt.
Whatsername: Dab oot!
Colette: Fine, I’ll plant it into the grass, but only this once. Next time I‘m burning it. (shoves it into the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Oww!!! That hurt! It felt like I just got a shot!
Colette: If you’d all speak English, then I could understand you better!
Derek the Demon Prince: But we are speaking English!
Colette: I hate how everybody talks backwards!
Whatsername: Wait, maybe normal to us is backwards to her, so if you say something backwards she’ll understand it.
Regal: (gets up) Wow, that was a huge earthquake. Oh no! Altamira was destroyed! I rich! Er! I’m richer! I’m so glad I bought that city insurance at the last second before the earthquake! Awesome!
Colette: Hi Regal! We’re gonna be in a cage together on VIOLENCE!
Regal: Excuse me?
Colette: Stop talking backwards!
Whatsername: Regal, haven’t you read the latest People magazine? There’s a new one every thirty seconds. This one says how you and the rest of the Symphonia group signed a contract to make appearances on both of the EWW rosters seventeen minutes ago. So now I have to take you back in time to Cape Carnival seventeen minutes ago.
Regal: ....?
Colette: Say it the right way!
Sofaspud23: So after repeating what she had just said to Colette backwards, Whatsername flew the two of them back in time to seventeen minutes ago at Cape Carnival, and then disappeared, leaving them to sign the contract and wait for the others.
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Genis, Presea, Raine, Nikki, and a Talking Car
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Genis: What? But I love Cinnamon Sticks!
Nikki: It’s me! And you have no idea how much more important this is than Cinnamon sticks!
Presea: It can’t be that much more important. I mean c’mon, it’s cinnamon!
Nikki: You guys signed a contract with the EWW 38 minutes ago! Don’t you ever read People magazine?
Both (unison): No.
Nikki: Argh, anyway! You guys have to go back in time with me to sign the contract for the EWW.
Presea: Okay then, let’s go get Raine.
Nikki: Wait, where is Raine?
Genis: We threw her in a dumpster!
Nikki: But today’s garbage day!
Presea: Exactly, she’ll be taken far away, so she can’t find us! I hate preps.
Genis: But she’s still my sister...
Nikki: And she signed the contract with you! You have to go and find her!
Both (unison): (sigh) Okay, fine.
Nikki: I see you’ve gotten used to the unison thing.
Both (unison): Yeah, it got kinda boring after a while.
Nikki: Then let’s go find Raine!
All: (travel to the dumpster where they had dumped Raine)
Genis: Look! There’s the dumpster!
Presea: And there’s the trash truck loading it up!
Genis: Let’s go! Taxi! TAXI! TAXI!!!! Dammit, I can’t get a taxi!
Presea: Let me try! (pulls out her axe and runs in the middle of the road, where a taxi stops right in front of her) Let me in or else I’ll hit your car with this axe!
Taxi-driver: Okay, just don’t hurt the car! I just polished her!
Genis: Her?
Taxi-driver: What? Is it wrong to name my car?
Genis: I’m just saying, your car is a guy.
Taxi: Finally, somebody realizes that I’m a guy! I’ll let you on for free! Get out, chubby!
Taxi-driver: But I just polished you, Stephanie!
Taxi: It’s Stephen. And you call that polishing? Please! I’ve seen snakes who could polish me better. And they don’t even have hands! Get in, you two! And the fairy, as well.
Presea: Right! Follow that garbage truck!
Stephen: What garbage truck? It’s already driven away!
Presea: What? Then to the dump, and if we see a garbage truck on the way, follow it!
Nikki: Stephen, your colors are so dull. Let me change ‘em!
Stephen: Fine.
Nikki: (flies out of the car and gets rid of the taxi sign on top of the car, then turns it into a Ferrari)
Stephen: Sweet! No more ugly sign on top! And I can go fast! Awesome! (speeds up to 450 mph and crashes into several trees and houses, but doesn’t notice because he just goes through them. Yeah! This rocks!
Whatsername: So it continued for a long time, Stephen was speeding all around the city and he crashed into several different garbage trucks, splattering Genis and Presea with their contents, and Raine was still nowhere to be found.
Genis: (spits out a piece of trash) Eww! That’s nasty! How many times are you going to do that?
Stephen: Until you tell me to stop.
Genis: Then stop!
Stephen: Got it. (stops suddenly, sending Genis and Presea flying out of the car)
Presea: (lands in the dump) Great. More trash.
Genis: (lands next to her) This is disgusting! How much trash can we go through in one day?
Presea: Tons, apparently.
Nikki: (teleports herself and Stephen to the dump)
Genis: I have a question for you, Stephen.
Stephen: Ask away.
Genis: Why can you talk?
Stephen: Whatsername’s the narrator today. She gets a little...crazy.
Genis: Oh...
Presea: Can you at least be something that’s supposed to talk?
Stephen: Fine, but only when we’re not going anywhere. I like being a car.
Nikki: I’ll make you a pet! Like that one blue thing that appears when you battle Meredy, Garr, and Farah Oerstead, at the Meltokio Coliseum, only not useless!
Stephen: Just not anything fuzzy or cuddly or...
Nikki: This fanfic is mostly meant to be funny, so turn this yellow car into a bunny!
Stephen: (turns into a fuzzy, cuddly, white bunny with black spots) Aww, man! Now I’m a bunny!
Nikki: But you’re such a cute bunny!
Presea: You look like a small cow. A really cute small cow.
Genis: That’s true.
Nikki: (baby voice) Who’s the cutest bunny in the whole wide world? You are! You are! That’s right, my little snuggly wuggly---
Stephen: SHUT UP!!!! I’m turning back into a car now. (turns into the Ferrari again)
Presea: Fine, but you’ll need to turn back into the cutest bunny in the whole wide world when we aren’t going anywhere.
Stephen: Dammit.
Genis: Now how are we gonna get Raine back?
Presea: I know! We can go back in time and stop ourselves from throwing Raine in the dumpster!
Genis: That wouldn’t work, ‘cause then we wouldn’t have a reason to go back in time and stop ourselves from putting her in a dumpster, so then we wouldn’t actually have stopped ourselves, and we’d go back in time to stop ourselves, and---gah! It just wouldn’t work, trust me.
Presea: Okay, then let’s go back in time to go and get Raine.
Genis: Yeah! We can go back in time to see which trash truck drove off with Raine, then come back to the future to find the truck and then go to sign the contract at the EWW!
Presea: Or we could just get her from the dumpster in the past, and go from there to Cape Carnival.
Stephen: Dammit, now I have to be the bunny again! (turns in the cutest bunny in the whole wide world)
Nikki: Sounds good to me! (takes them all back in time to the dumpster, right after they dropped Raine off there) Now get her out quickly before you see yourselves!
Genis and Presea: (gets Raine out of dumpster, and holds her far away from them, since she smells like sewer water)
Nikki: ‘k then, let’s go back in time 38 minutes ago, to Cape Carnival!
Stephen: Aww, can’t we go back in time here, so I can drive to Cape Carnival? I swear, if I have to endure one more second as a bunny, I’ll--
Nikki: Of course you can drive us there, you cutie wutie tutie putie...what else rhymes with cutie?
Genis: Let’s see, there’s yutie, zutie, sutie, rutie, dutie, and...
Stephen: (snickers)
Genis: What?
Stephen: Doodie...(laughs hysterically)
Presea: You lame brain!
Nikki: (is laughing uncontrollably as well) But...it’s...so...funny...
Genis: Oh geez, just take us back in time!
Nikki: (takes them back in time to 38 minutes ago)
Stephen: Finally (turns back into a car)! Heh, doodie! (cracks up)
Genis and Presea (unsion): SHUT UP!!! IT WASN’T EVEN FUNNY!!!
Stephen: Damn, that unison thing can be used to double-team, too! That’s hardly fair!
Genis and Presea (unison): DEAL WITH IT!!!
Whatsername: So, 10 minutes later, with Stephen transformed into a Rheaird and still laughing about doodie, the 5 of them made their way to Cape Carnival and signed the contract, with Raine still unconscious.
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Kratos and Yuan
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Kratos: Be quiet! The Days of our Lives encore is starting!
Yuan: Oh, come on! Can’t I choose what we watch?
Kratos: No.
Yuan: I don’t care! I’m switching to Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo!
Kratos: Pardon?
Yuan: You know, the guy who fights with his nosehairs!
Kratos: Sorry, that doesn’t ring a bell.
Yuan: It’s funny! You should watch it!
Kratos: Okay, fine.
Yuan: Yes! (switches to Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo)
Mysterious Voice: What, so you’re both just gonna ignore me?
Kratos: You can watch TV with us!
Mysterious Voice: Alright, sounds fun! (sits down)
Yuan: So what’s your name?
Mysterious Voice: I’m Scipio.
Yuan: What kind of jacked up name is that?
Scipio: Impudence!
Yuan: Sure, whatever.
TV: (plays Japanese theme song)
Kratos: So let me get this straight, this show is about some guy with a yellow afro who fights with nosehairs?
Yuan: Yeah, and squirrels live in his hair.
Kratos: Excuse me?
Yuan: And ducks, and cabbages, and a rock band...
Kratos: Bah! I can’t understand any of what you’re saying! You must be speaking in some sort of code...
Yuan: No, there are really squirrels and ducks and cabbages and--
Scipio: Enough already! Can we watch something else?
Yuan: Oh, come on! Bobobo-Bobo-bobobobo....no wait, it’s Bo-Bobobo-Bobo Bo...
Scipio: Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo
Yuan: Yeah, that! It’s awesome!
Scipio: I’m changing the channel! (switches to the EWW)
Kratos: Hey, this is always good! It’s better than that fake WWE crap.
All: Definitely.
Sofaspud23: (on TV) This is your commentator, Sofaspud23, commentating with Whatsername! So what’re we going to see tonight on Stabkill!?
Whatsername: We’ve got a tag match with the defending champs, Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio, against Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker.
Sofaspud23: This could get interesting. But hey, why are we the commentators on a TV show? And why is Derek in the match?
Whatsername: I’m narrating, so I can give us all parts. That’s what the narrator does. This is my first time narrating, so I figure I should experiment with all my powers.
Sofaspud23: Okay, anyway...We’re coming to you from the coliseum in Meltokio, and the stands are packed! And remember, this episode is sponsored by zircon! Zircon is for people who have lost their humanity and are turning into a giant exsphere because of a stupid Cruxis Crystal. Side affects may include extreme clumsiness, apologizing over and over again, the inability to use any attack other than Holy Song when you’re a CPU, which hardly does anything and just increases your teammates’ stats so they die because you wouldn’t cooperate and attack the stupid enemy with a real attack, and just plain being a blonde. Ask your doctor if zircon is right for you.
Whatsername: Who cares about the sponsor? The match is about to start!
Derek the Demon Prince: (Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo’s theme song plays) Hey! This isn’t my music!
Whatsername: I’m narrating! I like that song! Deal with it!
Derek the Demon Prince: Fine, geez. But it’s in Japanese! I don’t even know what it’s saying!
Whatsername: So make something up!
Derek the Demon Prince: Okay, fine. (walks into the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the tag team champion, weighing in at 467 lbs, it’s DEREK THE DEMON PRINCE!
Derek the Demon Prince: What? I do NOT weigh that much!
Sofaspud23: I know, I’m just saying that to make you mad!
Derek the Demon Prince: Grrr...
Rey Mysterio: (theme song plays)
Sofaspud23: And the tag team partner, weighing in at 170 lbs, it’s the man behind the mask, REY MYSTERIO!
Rey Mysterio: (walks into the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing two people I don’t claim ownership of...it’s Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker!
Harry and Luke: (walk into the arena, and then the bell rings)
Whatsername: And that’s the start of the match! And now, just to warn our readers, prepare to see a bunch of parentheses!
Luke: (turns on his lightsaber and runs at Derek)
Derek: (blocks Luke’s attack and punches him in the face, then unsheathes his own sword)
Harry: Expelliarmus! (shoots the spell at Derek)
Derek: (gets hit by the spell and his sword flies through the air to Harry)
Harry: (tries to catch the sword but misses and gets stabbed by it)
Referee: Harry’s down! (teleports Harry to the medical station) That means only Luke is left)
Whatsername: Luke now has a choice between forfeiting the match, or continuing without his partner.
Luke: (signals the ref)
Sofaspud23: Looks like he thinks he can take on the defending champs by himself!
Whatsername: Egotistic idiot...
Harry: (is healed by the medics and takes his seat next to the ring)
Rey: (throws a shuriken at Luke)
Luke: (dodges and uses the force to pick up Derek’s sword)
Kratos: (eats a mouthful of popcorn)
Rey: (runs at Luke and multiplies himself into 50 different people)
Derek: (notices that Rey has it under control and pulls out his PSP)
Luke: (shoots force lightning out of his hand and spins around so it hits all of the Reys)
Kratos: (spits out his mouthful of popcorn because there was an uncooked kernel in it)
Rey: (is hit by the lightning so his clones disappear, but he throws three shuriken at Luke)
Derek: Yes! Level 68, baby!! Booyah! What? NOOOOO!!! I‘m out of batteries! And I didn‘t even get a chance to save! I hate this thing! (throws his PSP on the ground and stomps on it continuously)
Luke: (catches two of the shuriken and jumps over the third)
Shuriken: (turns into one of Rey’s clones and throws a kunai knife at Luke)
Luke: (is pinned to the ground by the knife)
Referee: 1!----2!----3! (bell rings)
Rey Mysterio: (theme song plays) That was almost too easy! Right, Derek? Derek?
Derek: (is crying over his PSP) It’s broken...(sob)...and I...(sob)....SPENT 400 FREAKIN’ BUCKS ON THIS DAMN THING AND IT BREAKS AFTER A WEEK!!!! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!
Sofaspud23: So there you have it! Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio are victorious yet again! On VIOLENCE, we’ve got the Symphonia cast! And if they win their match against JBL and Ric Flair, then Kratos and Yuan will be facing our very own Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio! See you next week!
Yuan: (Gags on an uncooked kernel and Scipio has to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him) Why are there so many uncooked kernels in this popcorn?
Scipio: Oh, you wanted it popped? You should’ve said something!
Kratos and Yuan (unison): (look into the bowl to see that none of the kernels are popped) Did you think we wanted just the kernels?
Scipio: I refuse to answer that.
Yuan: Oh well. But what the heck did they say at the end?
Kratos: No kidding! That’s crazy...
Yuan: No, seriously. What did they say? I couldn’t hear since I was gagging.
Kratos: Oh. They said that we were going to be on VIOLENCE!
Scipio: Of course! Does anyone ever read People magazine?
Kratos and Yuan (unison): No.
Scipio: Of course you don’t. You guys signed a contract with the EWW 4 days ago!
Kratos and Yuan (unison): We did? Cool, we’re talking at the same time...
Scipio: That’s starting to get annoying! Why does everyone talk in unison? WHY????
Yuan: ...?
Scipio: Right, well, I can take you back in time.
Yuan: Cool! But first tell us, what was your reason for coming here?
Scipio: Well, I heard that this place could be used as a vessel for traveling through space, and since I accidentally destroyed The Eternal Sword and I discovered that I can’t fly through space, I needed something to transport me through space to form pacts with all the Summon Spirits and kidnap the girl called Colette so I can revive Mithos the Hero and his sister Martel and turn everyone into lifeless beings and start the Age of Half-Elves!
Yuan: (bewildered stare)
Kratos: Riiiiiiiight. And I suppose you’re looking for this key? (holds up the keys to Derris-Kharlan) Sure you are. I know sarcasm when I see it, Scipio. I know you’re not evil. That was a good one. (hands Scipio the keys) You can take care of Derris-Kharlan while we’re gone! Thanks!
Yuan: Kratos, wait---
Scipio: (covers Yuan’s mouth with his hand) I guess it runs in the family. But no, I must thank you, Kratos. Thank you. Now here you go! (sends Yuan and Kratos back in time to Cape Carnival 4 days ago)
Kratos: That Scipio’s a nice guy.
Yuan: YOU IDIOT!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? NOW THE WORLD IS OVER!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT THE WORLD’S GOING TO BE DESTROYED!!
Kratos: You sound like the mayor of Iselia. Now let’s sign that contract.
Yuan: But...oh, nevermind.
Whatsername: And so, Kratos and Yuan signed the contract at the EWW. Now everybody had signed the contract, and they were all getting ready for their matches on VIOLENCE. Here’s tonight’s quote!

“The representative from California has the floor”

Sofaspud23: Remember, if you know the answer send it to me via review or comment or email to Sofaspud23 (a) AOL dot-com. Again, I’m sorry I can’t put my actual address into the fanfic. And here’s the hint for tonight’s quote! This is from a song, and just think about holidays to find the answer. Good luck!




The Shadow of the Past Chapter 6: Meet the Carnivorous Clowns
Disclaimer: I do not own Namco, Tales of Symphonia, Green Day, “Holiday”, the Sony PSP, The Robot, Big Show, Naruto, JBL, Ric Flair, South Park, “American Idiot”, Powerpuff Girls, Wendy’s, Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Fillet, Wendy’s Frosty, Sharpie, Super Smash Bros. Melee, Days of Our Lives, or The Ring.
Second Disclaimer: The comments and views expressed in this fanfic do not necessarily express the views of the people they’re portraying or Sofaspud23.
Third and Final Disclaimer: I have just now realized that in the guidelines it says “No stories written in script or play format are allowed” but I’ve seen plenty of other fanfics written in this format, and I don’t understand why it isn’t allowed. And besides, this is the kind of story that just wouldn’t seem right if it wasn’t written in script format. So I’m really sorry, but I’m going to keep on writing it like this. If you have any concerns about this, please let me know and I’ll try to write my fanfic in the proper format immediately. Thank you.
Part I: Intro
Sofaspud23: Welcome to another chapter of “The Shadow of the Past”, the fanfic that has absolutely nothing to do with its title!
Whatsername: And congratulations to Tim101, who correctly guessed the previous chapter’s quote! It was from the Green Day song, “Holiday”.
Sofaspud23: (after a long silence, in a whisper) Derek, it’s your line...
Derek the Demon Prince: What? Why do I always have to be the one to introduce new stuff?
Sofaspud23: Because you owe me!
Derek the Demon Prince: For what?
Sofaspud23: For putting you into the fanfic, of course!
Derek the Demon Prince: Okay, but...No! You made me cry over that PSP! I don’t cry!
Sofaspud23: Okay, whatever! Me and Whatsername will introduce the new stuff...but only this once.
Derek the Demon Prince: Good.
Whatsername: First off, there’s another new character in the intro cast! It’s none other than my brother, St. Jimmy! Tell ‘em about yourself, Jimmy!
St. Jimmy: It’s about time you guys introduced me! Geez, how long do your intros usually last?
Whatsername: (evil glare)
St. Jimmy: (shudders) Okay, just ignore that last comment! (inches away from Whatsername and starts singing) My name is Jimmy, and you’d better not wear it out! I’m the patron son of the denial, I’ve got an angel face and a taste for suicidal Ramen! My name is St. Jimmy, I’m a son of a gun, I’m the one that’s on the way outside now! A tainted assassin that thinks killing’s so fun, and the hearts of the ones in doubt. I really hate to say it but I told you so, so shut your mouth before I shoot you down, old boy. It’s comedy.......and tragedy.........it’s St. Jimmy.......and that’s my name! AND DON’T WEAR IT OUT!!!!!
Derek the Demon Prince: Why’d you suddenly go into a song?
Sofaspud23: And you told us your name 3 times.
Derek the Demon Prince: And how can Ramen be suicidal? Doesn’t that mean that it kills itself? How can Ramen kill itself? Is it alive? Whoa, that’s the last time I eat Ramen...
St. Jimmy: You’re all missing the point! That was just a part of the song, so of course it didn’t make sense!
Whatsername: And you call that an angel face? It looks more like the face of a demon.
Derek the Demon Prince: Hey! My mom was a demon!
St. Jimmy: Wasn’t your dad a demon, too?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, no...he was an angel. I’m half-breed.
St. Jimmy: How did that happen?
Sofaspud23: Well you see Jimmy, when an angel and a demon love each other very much, then---
St. Jimmy: That’s not what I meant and you know it!
Whatsername: How’d you become a demon prince if you’re only a half-breed?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, you see...(5 hours pass)...and since that day I’ve never been able to do The Robot the right way. I’m okay at everything else, though.
Whatsername: That still didn’t answer my question, although I never knew you were born with three arms. (gives Life Bottles to Sofaspud23 and St. Jimmy who have died of boredom)
Sofaspud23: (gets up) Wha...? What happened? Oh! (clears throat) After that somewhat disturbing monologue, it’s time to start the chapter! Thanks a bunch to everyone who reviewed! I think it was...(counts on fingers)...three people! Wait...(counts again)...no, it was definitely 3! So many thanks to Tim101, RoyalFanatic, and Scorch the Hedgehog! Wow, this is a long intro! So as not to prolong it any further, here’s Chapter 6: Meet the Carnivorous Clowns. And do you like how I abbreviated introduction with intro to save time? But next time, maybe I should try just using “int.” and abbreviating chapter with “ch.” because time is of the essence, or as we say in the biz, T.E.O...no wait, T. I.....what was I spelling again?
Part II: Lloyd VS Big Show
Sofaspud23: Welcome to this very special edition of VIOLENCE!
Whatsername: That’s right, tonight we have the heroes of Symphonia on the show! We’ve got Lloyd Irving vs. The Big Show in a #1 one contender match for the EWW title sheath, Raine Sage vs. Regal Bryant vs. Colette Brunel in a triple threat steel cage match, Genis Sage vs. Presea Combatir vs. Zelos Wilder vs. Sheena Fujibayashi in a Fatal Four Way Hardcore Match, and the main event is a #1 contender tag team match with Kratos Aurion and Yuan...uhh, what’s Yuan’s last name?
Sofaspud23: Beats me.
Whatsername: Then what am I...? Oh, who cares! Kratos Aurion and Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair. And as a special addition to the matches, all of them will have the same weapons and armor as they did when they were battling Mithos!
Sofaspud23: You know, I’ve always wondered, isn’t Lloyd’s name really Lloyd Aurion Irving?
Whatsername: Or is it Lloyd Irving Aurion?
Sofaspud23: And is Sheena’s name Sheena Fujibayashi Irving Aurion, Sheena Fujibayashi Aurion Irving, Sheena Aurion Fujibayashi Irving, or...
Whatsername: Does it really matter?
Sofaspud23: Well no, but--
Whatsername: Then I don’t care.
Sofaspud23: Here come the combatants!
Lloyd: (Lloyd’s theme song plays) Oh, come on! You could at least change it to rock or something! Now my music makes me look like a wimp! (changes to Naruto’s theme song) What kind of a theme song is this? All it does is yell “Rai! Chi-yoh Soh!”
Sofaspud23: Just pick one!
Lloyd: I guess I‘ll go with Naruto. (walks into the ring)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the challenger, The Peeping Tom from Iselia...
Lloyd: Are you still going on about that? How many times do I have to tell you? It was all a misunderstanding!
Whatsername: Then maybe you should try changing your title to something different.
Lloyd: I’m not sure I understand you.
Whatsername: You don’t understand anything.
Lloyd: True.
Sofaspud23: ...it’s LLOYD IRVING!!!!
Whatsername: And now it’s his opponent, the heaviest warrior in the world, weighing in at over 500 lbs, it’s THE BIG SHOW!!!!
Big Show: (theme song plays)
St. Jimmy: From Big Show’s side of the coliseum came a tiny Gnomelette, and a gasp echoed throughout the crowd.
Colette: Hey! The lights are talking, too! I like lights. And cake!
Zelos: Will you shut up about the cake?
Colette: What’s cake? Ooh, is it good? Is it spicy? I like spicy! And ice. Especially spicy ice! Hey! That rhymes! Spicy! Icy! Yay!
Zelos: Do you ever say anything normal?
Colette: Ooh, I’ve got a good joke!
Zelos: Fine, what is it?
Colette: Knock knock!
Zelos: Who’s there?
Colette: Who’s where?
Zelos: At the door!
Colette: Somebody’s at the door? I’d better go answer it! (walks off)
St. Jimmy: So as Colette was off answering the door Lloyd’s match vs. Big Show the 500 pound Gnomelette was just starting.
Lloyd: What the heck? You’re the Big Show? You aren’t very big!
Big Show: No, but I weigh more than 500 pounds! Hiyah! (jumps on top of Lloyd)
Lloyd: Ack! No! NOOOOO!!!
Referee: 1...
Lloyd: It tickles! It tickles! (starts laughing uncontrollably)
Referee: 2...
Big Show: What the...? Shouldn’t you be squashed like a pancake by now?
Lloyd: (throws the Big Show off of him, where he flies into the air and lands on his back on ground)
Whatsername: Hold on, it seems there was a mistake! Lloyd is actually facing the Little Show who actually weighs 500 grams, not pounds!
Little Show: What? Then I was deceived! You...disgusting little vermin!
Lloyd: You can’t say that to me!
Little Show: Why not?
Lloyd: Because Magnius already had it patented! You could get sued for that!
Magnius: (appears as a ghost) Muahahahahaha! Yes! I’ve just hired a lawyer! Now you’re 5 bucks in my debt! Bwahahahahaha! (disappears)
Little Show: NOOOO!! 5 bucks!!!! I don’t have that kind of dough!
Lloyd: I could lend you some money...
Little Show: Really? Please!
Lloyd: Just let me win and I’ll lend you 5 bucks!
Little Show: Are you crazy? Grr....GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!!! (picks up Lloyd and spins him around on his finger, then hurls Lloyd into the stands)
Lloyd: (lands on Kenny from South Park)
Stan: Oh my God! You killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Lloyd: What? I can’t understand you!
Stan: I said that you killed Kenny!
Lloyd: Dude, you have some major speech problems! I can’t understand a word you’re saying! You must have a weird show.
Stan: Tell me about it. We’re all just bad drawings with speech problems, and the plotlines suck. They’re even worse than this plotline! And it’s barely even here!
Lloyd: What? I can’t understand you!
Stan: GAAAAAAH!!!
Lloyd: Excuse me? I still can’t understand what you’re saying.
Little Show: Time to die, vermin!
Magnius: (appears as a ghost again) I get a quarter for every time you say vermin! (disappears)
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Lloyd: (flicks the Little Show with his index finger)
Little Show: (flies across the coliseum and out of it, landing in front of the door)
Colette: (opens the door) Is anyone there? Hello? (looks down) Oh, hello you cute wittle Gnomelette! I will call you George and I will hug you and wuv you and wuv you foweva!
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Colette: Now now, don’t cwy!
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Colette: GODDAMMIT, I SAID DON’T CRY!!!!!
Little Show: (awed silence)
Colette: That’s better, my wittle cutie wootie tootie pootie doodie...
Little Show: Haha! Doodie! (cracks up)
Colette: (starts to pinch Little Show’s cheek)
Little Show: Huh? Aaah! Hands off, blondie! (punches Colette)
Colette: Oww! Darn! I’m bored with it now! (throws Little Show back into the arena)
Lloyd: (accidentally steps on Little Show)
Referee: 1....2....3!!!!
Lloyd: Huh? Did I win? Oh, wow! Awesome! (Naruto’s theme song plays)
Sofaspud23: What an amazing match! And remember, you saw it first on VIOLENCE!!
Whatsername: I’m still a little bit confused about that match. So, what happened?
Sofaspud23: Let’s watch an instant replay of the final move! (shows a screen with Colette tossing Little Show into the arena) It was an interference, but the ref didn’t see it, so it didn’t count.
Whatsername: Ooookay. Hopefully the next match with be a little bit less confusing.
Derek the Demon Prince: With Sofaspud23 writing it? No way that’ll happen.
Whatsername: It seems that we’ve got a visitor here in the commentator’s box! It’s the tag team champion, Derek the Demon Prince! What would you like to say, Derek?
Derek the Demon Prince: What? No, I just came up here to get some punch from the other room and I thought I’d tell you guys.
Sofaspud23: Sweet! There’s punch?
Derek the Demon Prince: Yeah, in the room right across from here.
Whatsername: So, what’re we waiting for? Let’s go!
St. Jimmy: So as the three of them went off to get punch, rudely leaving me behind as the lights, the next match was starting with Lloyd and Sheena substituting for Whatsername and Sofaspud23 as commentators.
Part II: Raine vs. Colette vs. Regal in a Steel Cage Match
Lloyd: What? Is this thing on?
Sheena: You have to push the little red button.
Lloyd: What little red button?
Sheena: The one right in front of you on the microphone, you dolt!
Lloyd: What does red look like?
Sheena: That! (points at the button)
Lloyd: Oh, that? I pushed that one a long time ago.
Sheena: THEN IT’S ON!!!
Lloyd: Really? Oh, wow! You’re right! Hi, everybody! How’re you doing? (waves)
Sheena: That’s a one-sided mirror, idiot.
Lloyd: Then why is everyone looking up here?
Sheena: BECAUSE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE AMERICAN IDIOT!!!
Lloyd: Nice Green Day reference.
Sheena: You noticed?
Lloyd: Of course.
Random Guy in the Crowd: Are you two just gonna talk to each other the whole time or are you actually gonna introduce the match?
Lloyd: Oh, right! (clears throat) We now have a triple threat steel cage match in which the objective is to be the first person to escape from the cage. It’s Regal Bryant vs. Raine Sage vs. Colette Brunel. Now remember, everyone is going to have the very same weapons and armor they wore when they were facing Mithos.
Sheena: As you can see, the combatants are entering the arena.
Regal: (theme song plays) Alright, this is going to be a piece of cake! I can just pay them to let me escape! Let’s see...I think I can spare about 3 cents or so of my 60 billion Gald I make every week to bribe them...
Referee: Hold on! (runs up to Regal and puts shackles on him)
Regal: What’re you doing?
Referee: You have to wear the same weapons and armor as you did when you fought Mithos. You were wearing shackles when you fought Mithos, therefore you must wear them now.
Regal: Then how do I get out of the cage?
Referee: I dunno. That’s your problem, not mine.
Regal: Dammit! (enters the arena cursing)
Lloyd: Entering the arena, it’s the El Presidente from Altamira, REGAL BRYANT!!!
Raine: (fast theme song plays) Like, OMIGOSH!!!! This music is like so totally stupid! Change it something cool! (theme song changes to the Powerpuff Girls theme song) OMIGOSH!!!
Referee: SHUT UP AND GIT IN THE ARENA!!! (uses psychic powers to lift Raine into the arena)
Raine: Like, OMIGOSH!!! I’M FLYING!!! OMIGOSH!!! THIS IS---(falls into the arena)---OMIGOSH!!! I JUST FELL!!! LIKE OMIGOSH!!! OMIGOSH!!! OMIGOSH!!!!
Lloyd: Introducing the Annoying Preppy Half-Elf from Iselia, even though she was born in Heimdall and used to live pretty much nowhere...it’s RAINE SAGE!!!!
Colette: (fast theme song plays) Oh! I like this music! (sees the crowd and is determined to say “hi” to every single person in the stands) Hi hi! Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihihi! Hihihiihiihhiiiiiiihihiiihiiiiiiiiihihiiiiiiiiii! This is fun! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIIIIIIIIHIHIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIHIIHIIHIIHIIHIIIIHIIIIIHIIIIIIHIHIHIHI!!!
Referee: WHY ARE YOU ALL COMPLETE IDIOTS!?! JUST GIT YIR BUTT IN THE FREAKIN’ ARENA!!!!! (uses telepathy to make Colette hover into the arena)
Colette: (pulls out wings and flies back) Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Referee: What the wagawaga did you just call me?
Colette: I called you a wagawaga.
Referee: Why you wagawagawaga-ing wagawaga!
Lloyd: The wagawagawaga-ing censors are going wagawagawaga-ing crazy!
Sheena: Holy waga...
Colette: FINE! I’ll get in the wagawagawagawaga arena! You’re still a wagawaga!
Sheena: Wait, Colette isn’t even cussing! She’s just saying wagawagawaga...
Lloyd: But why would she say “wagawaga” for no reason?
Sheena: Think about it for a minute. It’s Colette...
Lloyd: Oh, good point. (bell rings and the match starts)
St. Jimmy: The three of them had all arrived in the arena, after the referee had thrown a stick into the arena and said, “Go fetch, Colette!”. As the cage was being lowered around the arena, Regal was trying to pay Colette and Raine to let him escape, or rather toss him out of the cage, but wasn’t having much luck, while Colette was chewing on the stick and trying to figure out why the lights were talking.
Regal: Hey Raine, I’ll give you 3 cents if you throw me out of the cage!
Raine: Awesome! Free cash! (takes the money)
Regal: Now lift me up!
Raine: Why?
Regal: I just bribed you, that’s how bribes work!
Raine: Ooh, is a bribe one of those fancy necklaces they wear in France?
Regal: Uh...no, it’s not.
Raine: Darn...
Colette: (sees the coins) SHINY!!! (chases Raine and Regal down until she steals all of their money) Shiny...my preciousss...preciouss...they wants it...they wants the preciousss....filthy humanseses and half-elveseses...I’m bored! (does The Robot)
Derek the Demon Prince: (had just entered the commentators booth) Hey! Stop mocking me!
Raine: OMIGOSH!!! YOU JUST, LIKE, STOLE MY MONEY!!! OMIGOSH, GIVE ME THAT!!!!
Regal: Why me? Why me? Why did they have to insist that we wear the same stuff we did against Mithos? WHY?
St. Jimmy: So it continued for five hours, and near the end everyone in the entire stadium had fallen asleep except for Colette, who had been woken up by the sound of the lights (which we currently shut off) talking. It was then that a mysterious figure climbed up to the edge of the cage and dropped a black wig on top of Colette’s head. The effect was immediate.
Colette: Hey, who...?
Mysterious Figure: (disappears)
Colette: Jackass...
Mysterious Figure: (reappears) What the waga did you just call me?
Colette: Nothing...
Mysterious Figure: Good. (disappears again)
Colette: What a wagawaga...hey, why don’t I just fly out of here? Why didn’t I think of that earlier? And why was I chewing on this stick? Eww... (shudders) Hey! I’ve got 6 billion Gald in my pocket! Wait, didn’t I steal that from Regal? I should give it back...but I won’t! Screw you two! I’m winning this match! I‘m starving! (flies out of the arena and stops at Wendy’s, because they’re always open late, and buys a Spicy Chicken Fillet, then buys a Large Frosty. Then she got brain-freeze, and bought some french-fries. After that, she returned to the arena and drew on everybody’s faces with a Sharpie. Then she played video games until daybreak. And she wasn’t even tired because she didn’t need sleep!) That was fun! Hey, the ref’s waking up! Finally! This was starting to get boring! (throws the game she was playing on top of the pile next to her, which reached up to the top of the cage with video games she had beaten that night)
Referee: Hey! Who are you?
Colette: I’m Colette! I just won the match!
Referee: No you aren’t, Colette’s a stupid blonde. You have black hair and aren’t stupid...well, I’m assuming you aren’t as stupid as Colette.
Colette: WHAT-DID-YOU-JUST-SAY?!?!?! (pulls out wings and throws all of the video games she beat at the referee)
Referee (muffled): Okay...you win...just get all this crap off of me...holy wagawaga, you’re strong...(bell rings)
Lloyd: (wakes up) Zzznwha? OH MY GOD!! COLETTE ACTUALLY WON THE MATCH!!!
Colette: (flies up to the commentators’ booth) What? So you didn’t think I could win? Huh?
Lloyd: Umm...why can you see me? It’s a one-sided mirror...(closes eyes and huddles in a corner)...you can’t see me...you can’t see me...you can’t see me...you can’t---
Colette: ---I’ve got angel senses, nimrod. Now could you please SHUT THE HELL UP? Pretty please?
Lloyd: Uhm...okay...
Colette: Good.
Part III: Genis vs. Presea vs. Zelos vs. Sheena
St. Jimmy: The real commentators had returned, licking their lips for remains of punch which they conveniently forgot to give to me.
Whatsername: And we’re back after that bizarro weirdo match! The bell is just about to ring to signal to start of the Fatal Four-Way Hardcore Match. In this match, you can win only by pin, death, or KO. If you kill someone, then you win. If you pin someone, whether with a weapon or your body, you win. There are conventional weapons such as guns and bombs scattered throughout the arena, and it is legal to use any of these at any given time.
Sofaspud23: So to no further ado, let’s begin the match!
Sheena: (Sheena’s music plays)
Sofaspud23: Introducing, the WOW! from Mizuho, it’s SHEENA FUJIBAYASHI AURION IRVING!!!!
Whatsername: I thought we decided it was Sheena Aurion Fujibayashi Irving...
Sofaspud23: Oh, you’re right. It’s SHEENA AURION FUJIBAYASHI...
Whatsername: Just forget it.
Zelos: (slow theme song plays as he walks into the arena slowly, and it speeds up to his fast music as he walks to the arena)
Sofaspud23: It’s the Loudmouth from Meltokio, the Gleaming Knight, the Princess Guard! It’s ZELOOOOOOS WILDER!!!!
Zelos: Thank you my fans! Thank you! (enters the arena)
Genis: (theme song plays) Great. I have to have the stupid song with the piccolo. Can somebody change this to something good? (song changes to All Star by Smash Mouth) That’s better! But wait, aren’t we only using Green Day songs in this chapter?
Sofaspud23: Ah, one song won’t kill us.
Genis: I guess not. (enters the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the Study Harder! from Iselia, but originally from Heimdall and then was sent to the Otherworldy Gate and went to Iselia but was banished and now doesn’t really have a home...poor kid...it’s GENIS SAGE!!!
Presea: (Boulevard of Broken Dreams plays as Presea walks in complete darkness to the arena, as flames engulf the pathway to the arena. Then suddenly the lights turn bright pink and the Super Mario music plays while Presea jumps into the arena and does the Robot)
Derek the Demon Prince: Dammit! Why is the world mocking me? WHY?
Sofaspud23: Beats me. But the world likes mocking me, too. I’ve never been able to make paper out of a tree, and yet I seem to find paper everywhere I go. It saddens me.
Genis: Hey! How come everybody else’s entrances weren’t planned? Well, I guess Zelos’s and Colette’s were...
Presea: Oh, you didn’t know? Half of the backstage was a Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio. It’s honestly really hard to miss.
Genis: I didn’t see it...
Sheena: Neither did I...
Zelos: I did!
Sheena: Okay, now that we’ve cleared up who saw the Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio, let’s find out who’s gonna win and lose the match. We don’t wanna hurt each other...much...(glares at Zelos)...so have to be really scientific when we’re doing this. So let’s...play Rock Paper Scissors!
St. Jimmy: So they played Rock Paper Scissors, and it took a while since there were four of them. But in the end, Sheena won and Zelos lost. So Sheena had to pin Zelos while Genis and Presea stood and watched.
Sheena: (gets in the pin position over Zelos) You’d better not enjoy this, you pervert!
Zelos: Finally! My dreams have come true! Sheena’s---OWW!!!
Sheena: (slaps Zelos as hard as she can, and then slaps him sixteen more times, then stomps on his motionless body)
Referee: Stop it! You win! He’s almost dead! (checks for a heartbeat) Nope, he’s gone. MEDIC!!!
Medic: (comes and heals Zelos)
Zelos: What? What happened? Where did Sheena go? Darn, and I would’ve gotten away with it, too. If it weren’t for you meddling kids and that hot, voluptuous---AAH!!!
Sheena: Keep talking Zelos, see what happens...(has a card at Zelos’ throat)
Zelos: What do you mean? I was...uh...talking about that hot...uhm...squirrel!
Sheena: Squirrel?
Zelos: Well, yeah...uh...I meant...Corinne! Yeah! That hot talking squirrel chick.
Sheena: CORINNE WAS A GUY!!!!
Zelos: She was? Oh....well, that....wasn’t really what I meant!
Genis: Then which talking squirrel did you mean? It can’t be a very big category.
Zelos: Then...dammit, you guys set me up!
Sheena: You’re the one who likes gay squirrels!
Zelos: Did I say squirrel? I meant...you! Yeah! You’re hot! Oh, crap...
Sheena: YOU JUST CROSSED THE LINE!!!!
Zelos: (dies and has to be healed by the medic again) What happened? All I remember is a--
Presea: Zelos, maybe you should just keep your mouth shut.
Zelos: But what happened? Did you cheat on your husband with me? Eh, baby?
Presea: IT’S A MOOD RING!!! And you know what? SHEENA! ZELOS IS STARING AT A PICTURE OF YOU IN A BIKINI AND DROOLING!!!!!!!
Sheena: YOU’RE DEAD, ZELOS!!!!!!
Zelos: But I’m not---
Presea: Sheena doesn’t know that. (evil grin) Tell her to slap you once for me! (sticks tongue out at Zelos and walks away, accidentally stepping on his foot)
Zelos: Oww! My gorgeous foot...
Part IV: Kratos and Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair vs. Everybody’s Worst Fear
Whatsername: All right! It’s time for the main event here on VIOLENCE!
Sofaspud23: That’s right! Here’s Kratos Aurion and Yuan...uh...Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair! And don’t forget about tonight’s sponsor, “Tales of Symphonia 2: Darkness Unleashed” on fanfiction.net! See what happens when Sheena is kidnapped by a mysterious warrior and taken to another world! Will Lloyd try and save her or just hang out and eat donuts? And if he eats donuts, what flavor will they be? Action/Adventure/Romance. Based on a true story. Rated T for teen: Some material may not be suitable for children.
Contestants: (Suddenly appear in the arena)
Kratos: Hey! What about our entrances? I missed Days of Our Lives because I was too busy with that Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio!
Whatsername: Sorry, but we’re running low on time so we had to skip the entrances.
Yuan: But everyone else got theirs!
Sofaspud23: Sorry, but that’s how it’s gotta be.
Kratos: Yuan, give---
JBL: I am a wrestling GOD. Hahaha!
Kratos: Great. Now Yuan, could you---
JBL: --hahahaha! Haha!
Kratos: Yu--
JBL: --hahahahahahaha!
Kratos: Could--
JBL: Haaaa! (long silence)
Kratos: Are you done?
JBL: Nearly. Hahahahahaha!!! Now I think I’m good.
Kratos: Okay then, Yuan--
JBL: I AM A WRESTLING GOD!!!
Yuan: SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET THE MAN SPEAK!!!!
JBL: But I’m a wrestling god...
Yuan: I SAID SHUT UP!!! You’re too fat to wrestle, Tubby. And Ric, what the heck? You’re an old fart on steroids and you’re still wrestling? Come on! YOU SUCK!!!
Kratos: Yuan, hand me a blindfold.
Yuan: Why?
Kratos: You’ll see.
Yuan: Sure, whatever. (hands Kratos a blindfold)
Referee: BEGIN!!! (bell rings)
Ric: (takes off robe to reveal tights)
Yuan: OH MY WAGAWAGAWAGAWAGAWAGA GOD!!!
JBL: Hey! I’m a wrestling god! (takes off jacket to reveal tights as well)
Yuan: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I’M BLIND!!!!!
Kratos: (is blindfolded) See? I told you a blindfold was a good idea! Sacred powers, cast your purifying light upon these corrupt souls. Rest in peace, sinners! JUDGMENT!!!! (attack hits Ric and JBL, causing them to die instantly)
Referee: They’re dead and Yuan’s blind! Kratos and Yuan win!
Kratos: (End of a Thought plays)
Yuan: (opens eyes) What? Where are you? Kratos! Kratos! Kratos, I can’t see! I’m really blind!
Kratos: Dammit, now I’m gonna have to get a new partner.
Mysterious Voice: Hold on!
Yuan: Scipio, what do you want now? I’m tired of you showing up as a mysterious voice all the time! WILL IT NEVER END???
Mysterious Voice: I don’t know what you’re talking about, maybe Ric and JBL’s ugliness has affected more than just your eyes. (teleports into the ring and the audience gasps, while Kratos backs away in fear and Lloyd’s scream of terror is heard from backstage)
Lloyd: AAAAAAHHH!! IT’S A CLOWN!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Kratos: What do you want? Leave me alone! Take Yuan instead!
Carnivorous Clown: I am one of the 25 elite Carnivorous Clowns.
Kratos: Holy crap! There are 25 of you creeps!
Carnivorous Clown: No. There 25 elite Carnivorous Clowns. There are millions of recruits.
Kratos: (starts crying)
Carnivorous Clown: And we want you to know that the 26 elite clowns are working for my main man Scipio. And if you’re trying to form picks with the Spiffy Summies, too. Then you’re our enemies. That’s just the way it is. So I’m here to give you a piece of advice, and you’d best take it to your heart, since this is coming from the big bad Scipio himself: Don’t even try it. And remember: I’m watching you, Aurion. ALWAYS WATCHING. (teleports away)
Kratos: (runs backstage, leaving Yuan stranded and blind in the arena)
Part V: What Happens After the Show
Rey: Yo, Derek!
Derek the Demon Prince: What is it?
Rey: You see that Sheena chick?
Derek the Demon Prince: She’s married. Didn’t you see the ring?
Rey: Yeah, I saw The Ring. It was a pretty good movie, but are you comparing her to Sumara or something? ‘Cause I’m not seeing the resemblance.
Derek the Demon Prince: No, I mean the ring that’s on her finger. I noticed it since I’m friends with the guy who writes down what everyone says.
Rey: For real? I thought that was a mood ring. But that’s not what I meant, anyway. You know that long lost sister of mine?
Derek the Demon Prince: The one your dad threw out of a plane when he was drunk?
Rey: Hey, ix-nay on the ad-day! I don’t want my fans knowing ‘bout that.
Derek the Demon Prince: Fine, but is that the one you meant?
Rey: Yeah, that’s the one. Do I have any other long lost sisters or something?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, your mom did sleep around...
Rey: What the wagawaga did you just say? You betta shut your wagawaga-ing mouth and listen! I think she might be her. We searched all around that Gaoracchia Forest but we never found her. And when she was born and the doctor spanked her, she slapped him across the face. She was really pissed, man. I was three and I almost wet my pants. It was scary!
Derek the Demon Prince: That sounds like Sheena alright.
Rey: So what do you think?
Derek the Demon Prince: My opinion may not matter much since I really know the answer to your question but I can’t tell you if I’m lying or not so I just have to do what Sofaspud23 told me to.
Rey: Uh, what?
Derek the Demon Prince: Nevermind. Anyway, I think you oughtta get a DNA test.
Rey: Good idea. But how’ll I get her to agree to a test? I’ve been scared of her ever since she was born!
Derek the Demon Prince: I’ve got friends in high places. I can make it work.
Rey: Thanks, man. You’re a true friend. But remember: Ix-nay on the ad-day. Okay?
Derek the Demon Prince: Anytime, man.
Part VI: Quote
Today’s quote is in remembrance of a man who died of heart failure earlier this year. We will always remember him and give him a special place in our hearts. Here it is:

“Viva la raza! I lie, I cheat, I steal!”

I never really knew him or was ever a huge fan of his, or really even watched his show all that much, but I could tell he was a good man. Good luck.
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The Shadow of the Past (Chapters 1-6)
This story was written by Sofaspud23
SPOILERS (Well, sort of, but you won’t understand half as much of this half as much as you should like if you’re only half past half of the final dungeon)
First off, since a lot of other authors think it’s necessary, I do not own any of the characters, companies, levels, music, or anything else that I’ve put in my fanfic that are registered and owned by other people. (I fail to see the point of this, because I don’t really care if someone else puts my stuff in their fanfics but hey, whatever!) Yay!!! I’m the narrator!
Chapter 1 - Of the Prologue, Zelos’ Birthday, and Gnome’s Uncanny Ability to Annoy Anyone on the Planet. The G.U.A.T.A.A.O.T.P. for short.
Sofaspud23: Once Mithos has been defeated, and the two worlds have been reunited, Lloyd and Sheena go on a journey to collect and destroy all of the exspheres. Then, they took a really long nap. I mean a really long nap. We’re talking sleeping beauty sized naps! So after a week of slumber, they got married. It was more complicated than that, but I won’t bore you with the details. So they get married, Colette tries to murder Sheena but misses and falls out of Derris-Kharlan. Presea catches the bouquet, and Sheena shoves Zelos off of the comet. And thus, Colette and Zelos started a club that plotted ways to murder Lloyd and Sheena. I’ll just let the rest explain itself.
Sheena: So remind me again why we’re going to Zelos’ mansion?
Lloyd: It’s his birthday, remember?
Sheena: Oh, right. Didn’t I shove him off of Derris-Kharlan?
Lloyd: Colette saved him.
Sheena: But didn’t she fall off after she tried to murder me?
Lloyd: No, she flew back up.
Sheena: Dammit.
Sofaspud23: They arrive at Zelos’ mansion and see everyone there, plus about a thousand people they didn’t know.
Sheena: Did this place get bigger or something?
Lloyd: Looks like it.
Zelos: Ah, the voluptuous--
Lloyd: *Points sword at Zelos’ neck* One more word, Zelos...
Zelos: Oh. Right. I forgot you two were married.
Lloyd: You’re pushing it, Zelos! You’re really pushing it!
Zelos: Hey, don’t get mad, Lloyd! If I’m dead, you won’t be able to taste the 5,000 different cakes I had brought over here. A different chef made each one.
Lloyd: Not bad, Zelos. Just don’t flirt with Sheena. If you do, then you’re dead. And I mean that literally.
Zelos: Sure you do.
Lloyd: *takes a bite out of the nearest cake* Blech! This one’s spicy! This is the worst cake I’ve ever tasted! Who made this thing?
Raine: *Was standing behind Lloyd the whole time* I did. You were saying? *Raises her hand, ready to strike*
Lloyd: I, uh, was saying that it was the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life! It’s-*gag*-so-*cough*-unique and...
Raine: *slaps Lloyd and knocks him out*
Sheena: Oh, no you didn’t! I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Whaddaya want?
Sheena: Raine has something she wants to tell you.
Gnome: Woohoo! What is it, Raine? Ooh, ooh! Let me guess! Uhm...fire truck! No, that’s not it...race car! Cheese grater! Cinnamon! Angel Fruit Cake! Apple Butter! 971,034,467! Toilet Seat! Rockefeller Center!
Sheena: Now Gnome will annoy you to death! There is no escape! That’s what you get for hurting Lloyd! And by the way, what the heck is a Rockefeller Center?
Gnome: I dunno. If there was a place in the middle of a city called New York City in a state called New York in a country called the United States on a continent called North America on a planet called Earth, then I’d name it that.
Sheena: Tch, like that exists anywhere. That reminds me, the other day someone asked me if it was nice in Tokyo. What’s Tokyo, anyway?
Gnome: Hmm...if there was city in a country called Japan, on continent called Asia, on a---
Raine: Okay, I’ll heal him! Just please get Gnome to shut up! First Aid!
Lloyd: *wakes up* Wha? All I remember is tasting the worst cake ever, and then everything went black.
Raine: *Arm twitches*
Genis: Hey, Raine! I was wondering if---
Raine: *Smacks Genis, who was luckily carrying a Resurrection Ring with him at the time and came back to life.*
Genis: Oww, what was that for?
Raine: Lloyd.
Genis: I guess I’m better off not knowing.
Colette: *Walks up to Zelos* Do you think they know we poisoned their cake?
Zelos: If you say it that loud, then yes!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Tries to grab a piece but is restrained by Zelos*
Zelos: It’s poisoned, remember?
Colette: Oh yeah, that’s right. Hey look, cake!
Zelos: *sigh* What did I do to deserve this? And hey, if I kill Lloyd and you kill Sheena, then they’ll both be dead and we won’t be able force them to marry us. So what’ll happen then?
Colette: I don’t know. Hey look, there’s cake!
Zelos: Why do I bother asking you?
Regal: Hello. May I ask what you two are talking about?
Zelos: Nothing.
Colette: We were just wondering if anyone had figured out that we’d poisoned the cake!
Regal: *bewildered stare*
Colette: *takes a bite out of the cake and collapses*
Regal: So the cake’s...
Zelos: NOT poisoned! She’s practicing for a musical called, “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” She plays the first person to eat the cake, so she has to practice fainting. Excuse us. Healing Wind!
Regal: *Walks away, confused*
Zelos: What were you thinking? You almost told Regal we poisoned the cake!
Colette: Ooh, there’s cake?
Zelos: Never mind...
Sofaspud23: Then, an hour later, with everyone still alive and kicking because they had avoided the cake once Raine mysteriously sprinkled something on one of them, the group gave Zelos their presents. They are as follows:
Lloyd-A treasure map (It actually led to the lair of a violent demonic banshee, but Zelos didn‘t now that).
Sheena-A pet dragon that was, unbeknownst to Zelos, trained to destroy anything obnoxious.
Colette-Some cake from the other room.
Genis-Cookies with nuts he knew Zelos was allergic to that just happened to fall into the dough.
Raine-A book called: “Pickup Lines for Dummies”.
Presea-A carving of a bear with fish in its mouth. (The fish looked strangely like Zelos)
Regal-The most annoying one-man-band in the world. (He follows you around and plays music depending on your mood. He was currently singing “99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall” and kept losing count of how many beers were actually left on the wall and starting over)
Zelos-A new summer home (You have to treat yourself too, right?).
Sofaspud23-A girlfriend.
Zelos: Wahoo! I get a girlfriend!
Sofaspud23: Not until later in the story. Dammit! I just gave away a hint about what‘s going to happen...see what you made me do? Now I won’t give you a girlfriend!
Zelos: Please! I beg you!
Sofaspud23: Okay, why not? But one wrong move and...
Zelos: Thank you so much! Could you make her a brunette? I have a thing for brunettes. I bet you didn’t know that!
Sofaspud23: Of course I knew that, I just wrote it!
Zelos: Riiiight.
Sofaspud23: Just go back into the story.
Zelos: Hehehehehehe. Roger!
Sofaspud23: And don’t laugh like that.
Zelos: Whatever you say, bud! *Goes into story*
Sofaspud23: Idiot. At any rate, let’s go on with the story. Sheena and Lloyd have wandered off to the side of the cake wheel that Raine wasn’t standing near.
Sheena: Hey, this one looks good!
Lloyd: What kind is it?
Sheena: It’s tomato, Lloyd! Your favorite!
Lloyd: Eww! No!
Sheena: That was sarcasm, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Oh. Uh, yeah! I was...being sarcastic, too!
Sheena: *Sigh* Of course you were.
Lloyd: ???
Sheena: Sarcasm.
Lloyd: Right!
Sheena: I think I’ll try some of this chocolate cake over here.
Colette: *hiding under the table* Yes! Soon you will die and Lloyd will be mine! Muahahahahaha!!!
Sheena: Did you hear something.
Lloyd: Nope.
Sheena: Oh well. *Starts to take a bite, but half of the building is destroyed before she can, and she is so startled she drops the cake* What the heck was that?!?!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Eats it and falls over unconscious*
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: And that’s where the chapter ends! But before we leave, let’s take a look at what everybody is thinking!
Lloyd-This guy’s dead!
Sheena-I hope it eats Zelos.
Colette-Why is peanut butter called, “butter”? I can’t believe it’s not butter! Hey look, cake!
Genis-Maybe it’ll eat Raine’s cake and die...
Raine-What a wondrous sample! I must examine it!
Presea-That sort of looks like Colette from this angle.
Regal-Shackles or no, you will perish!
Zelos-Eat Lloyd! Eat Lloyd!
Kratos-Oh no! This is terrible! My tea has too much sugar in it! I live a hard life on Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: Have our heroes met their match? Will Colette ever become smart? And perhaps the most important question of all, will Kratos be able to make another glass of tea and sweeten it to perfection before his crumpets get cold? Find out in the next chapter of this story!


Chapter 2: Fairies and Angels and Elves, Oh my!
Sofaspud23: As you can probably tell, this fanfic doesn’t have that much to do with shadows or the past, it just sounded like a good name. But it might later in the story. Once I figure out exactly what’s going to happen later in the story, I might be able to post it. But for the most part, I’m just making this up as I go. I really haven’t the foggiest idea as to what’s going to be in this chapter that wasn’t in the first one, so wish me luck!
Derek the Demon Prince: By the way, Sofaspud23 doesn’t claim ownership of any registered trademarks that are in his fanfic. So don’t go around trying to sue him for anything, ‘k?


On Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: The countdown was almost over with. 3...2...1...There was a shrill noise, and Kratos opened the microwave to find his crumpets at the perfect temperature for eating. Nibbling on them, he walked over to the table and turned on the TV. It was amazing how far magitechnology had come! Now they had phones, TVs, microwaves, and the most amazing gizmo ever: Gamecubes! Kratos was even thinking about sending the journals from their journey to a company to make into a game, but hadn’t decided yet. He was thinking of this and other things when Yuan burst through the door.
Yuan: Our garden is growing out of control! It’s going to eat us both alive if we don’t do something!
Kratos: What? I told you an exsphere-enhanced garden was a bad idea!
Yuan: I know, but I figured that since we had the two of the last exspheres in the universe we might as well use them for something non-violent, like gardening!
Kratos: But those Cruxis Crystals are the very substance that keeps us alive! Without them, we’ll die!
Yuan: I wish you would’ve told me that before I put them on the plants!
Kratos: We must retrieve them!
Yuan: Ok then, let’s go!
Kratos: Well...after tea.
Yuan: Right. After tea. (Sits down and takes a crumpet)
Meanwhile, back at Zelos’ Mansion...
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?!
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: Standing right before them was a monster so hideous it could destroy and entire village with ugliness alone. But since Zelos’ sense of decoration was so terrible, it had only succeeded in destroying half of his house. It was as big as a house and twice as fat. Its whole body was covered in some nasty blue gunk. The guests that had survived the first blast of ugliness now quivered in fear before this gruesome beast.
Presea: Wow...it sort of looks like Colette from over here.
Evil Monster: WHERE ANGEL?!?!
Genis: Oh great, it’s speaking caveman.
Raine: I’ll look it up in the Monster List.
Zelos: It must be looking for Lloyd.
Evil Monster: WHERE PRETTY ANGEL GIRLY?
Zelos: Yep, that’s definitely Lloyd.
Sheena: (Slaps Zelos at the same time Lloyd punches him)
Zelos: (Is knocked out)
Lloyd: Now that that’s taken care of, let’s get rid of this thing.
Raine: I’ve got it! That thing’s called a Tuckwood. It was named after someone called Mrs. Tuckwood, who was the most annoying teacher in the history of the world. It is said that--
Lloyd: Who cares? Take this! (Tries to use Rising Pheonix, but bounces off of the Tuckwood’s belly) Ahh! How’re we supposed to beat this thing?
Tuckwood: PAUSE!!! PAUSE!!!
Raine: That’s its battle cry.
Sheena: Pause? That’s a weird battle cry.
Genis: I’ll show you your powerlessness! Indignation Judgment! (His attack bounces off of the Tuckwood and hits him instead). Ahh! How are we supposed to win against something so fat?!?
Sheena: I know! We’ll fight fat with fat! My people have just made a new summon spirit! I’ll try summoning it! I call upon the epitome of pink! I summon thee! Come, Kirby!
Kirby: Bwaiyoh!
Sheena: Kirby! Go attack the Tuckwood!
Kirby: Hi!!!! (Sucks up half of the cake in the room and passes out from the poison)
Sheena: That didn’t have quite the effect I’d hoped for.
Sofaspud23: Then the Tuckwood, being such a pig, spotted the cake and devoured all but one. The poison took effect immediately, and the Tuckwood fell to the ground, holding its stomach.
Tuckwood: Pause....
Mysterious Voice: That’s enough. Go back.
Tuckwood: (Vanishes)
Mysterious Voice: I see you’re more capable than I had imagined.
Regal: Who are you? Show yourself!
Mysterious Voice: Of course not! If I did that, it’d spoil all the fun. But since you have cake, I may as well show myself.
Sofaspud23: A six-winged angel appeared as if out of nowhere. All six of its wings were black to match its hair, which was a bit like a mixture of Genis’ and Kratos’ hairstyles. That’s not saying much since they’re both almost exactly the same.
Lloyd: But how could an angel exist!? We destroyed every single exsphere! Well, except for ours, but those were just souvenirs!
Creepy Demonic Angel: Did you really think the only angels in existence were the exsphere-induced ones? You’re as stupid as they come. Yes, real angels actually do exist, and just as there are light ones there are dark ones. I would explain it in more simple terms for your tiny brains, but I don’t have the time for that. Just give me the girl!
Lloyd: All right, let’s give him Colette.
Genis: But what about your “no more sacrifices” policy?
Lloyd: Who cares? It’s Colette, for pity’s sake!
Sheena: I agree with Lloyd. She tried to kill me, having someone like that around is dangerous!
Raine: I do suppose we’d be better off without her...
Creepy Demonic Angel: And don’t worry. It’s not like I’ll use the power in her exsphere to take control of your puny little planet and turn it into a lot for my minions to park their cars in, and then take control of the entire galaxy and use my power to eliminate the light angels. There’s no way I’d do that. (Had his fingers crossed behind his back during his speech)
Regal: Of course. Only someone evil would do something like that. I trust you.
Genis: Am I the only who thinks he’s evil?
Lloyd: Don’t be stupid, Genis. Of course he isn’t evil! How could he be evil? He promised not take control of the galaxy or anything!
Presea: There’s something wrong. They’re usually not this stupid.
Raine: Stupid? You’re the ones who are being stupid! I can’t believe you think this nice angel’s lying!
Genis: (sarcasm) Oh, sorry. I couldn’t help but notice that there’s a demonic aura around him.
Presea: Not you too, Genis!
Genis: That was sarcasm, Presea.
Presea. Oh. I apologize.
Genis: It’s nothing.
Lloyd: Genis, are you out of your mind? Let me put you out of your misery! (Draws swords)
Sofaspud23: Lloyd, Sheena, Raine, and Regal drew their weapons and walked towards Genis and Presea, who backed away unsure of what to do.
Genis: Lloyd! What’re you doing? I’m your best friend!
Presea: It’s no use, Genis. He doesn’t recognize you at all.
Creep Demonic Angel: That’s right. And as long as I’m here, he never will. Give me the angel girl and I’ll spare your lives.
Genis: Can you take Zelos instead?
Creepy Demonic Angel: No, only the Chosen will do.
Presea: Well, Zelos is a Chosen...
Creepy Demonic Angel: I’m sorry, but no.
Genis: We’ll hand her over, but only if you explain why everybody’s attacking us.
Creepy Demonic Angel: You’re in no position to be making bargains, boy. But I will explain it to you, nonetheless. See this fairy?
Sofaspud23: The angel pulled a bottle with a small golden glow in it out of his pocket. When you looked close, you could tell it was a girl and was very scantily clad. She had obviously noticed this and was struggling to cover her...ahem...parts. She was about the size of one’s middle finger, and was shaking with cold and fear. Genis felt sorry for the fairy and was determined to free it no matter what.
Creepy Demonic Angel: It was a pain to catch. Fairies are invisible to those whose bodies have reached a mature age. You two can see it because you are both children. Once you’re 14 or so, they’ll disappear from your sights.
Presea: ...
Creepy Demonic Angel: Fairies also have the power to influence adults to do anything. They only use in order to wipe the memories of adults who have discovered their secret village. I have learned to harness this power to force anyone to do anything I want. Except kids, but what’ll they do? Now, tell me where the girl is or you’ll pay with your lives!
Genis: Never!
Creepy Demonic Angel: Fine then! Prepare to die!
Sofaspud23: As he said those last few words, Presea rushed past the angel’s minions who were now just standing there awaiting orders, and snatched the fairy in the jar from the angel’s grasp.
Minions: (All collapse from exhaustion because they weren’t under the angel’s control anymore)
Creepy Demonic Angel: My minions! They’ve collapsed! And they aren’t under my control any more! Why you little--- (blasts Presea with a beam of darkness)
Genis: No! Presea! (Runs over to Presea, who had collapsed in a lifeless heap on the floor) You...I’ll kill you!!! (Is surrounded by a golden light, which heals Presea and surrounds her too)
Sofaspud23: For those of you who are wondering, this isn’t a rip-off of Dragonball Z. When Presea fell, the jar shattered and the fairy was free. She then went by the code of the fairies and lent Genis and Presea, who released her, her power. She’s currently searching for something suitable to wear, and then she’ll return to serve Genis and Presea for all eternity. And their descendants, too. She’ll always go to the child with the highest magical power. But enough of fairy etiquette, let’s return to the battle with the creepy demonic angel.
Presea: This energy...what is it?
Genis: I don’t know, but I do know that we can kill that evil angel with it! Let’s go! (Draws his sword, which had suddenly appeared next to his kendama, and runs at the dark angel. But, being the gentleman he was, allowed Presea to go before him. Then they both charged at the angel and took a swipe at him. They both hit him at the same time, and that was more than enough to injure him severely.
Creepy: Demonic Angel: Ahhh! Your power...it’s so....powerful....damn. I can’t go on like this! But I will take your friend’s birthday presents! And your last piece of cake! Muahaha! (Takes a bite out of the cake) Eww! It’s spicy! And it’s poisoned, too! Now I have to buy a Pacanacnea bottle. No wait, Panacanea. Or is it Panacacana? Dammit, I don’t know! You’re more formidable of an opponent than I had thought! But I’ll return, mark my words! And I’m going to find the gold at the end of this treasure map, too! Wahaha! (Cough) I still can’t believe that cake was spicy. No wonder the Tuckwood wouldn’t eat it. We shall meet again! (Vanishes)
Genis: Well, that was weird.
Presea: No kidding. Hey, our little friend’s back.
Sofaspud23: The fairy had indeed returned, and was fully clothed this time. She fluttered around their heads a couple of times, and then spoke.
Fairy: Hi!!! I’m Nikki! Thank you so much for freeing me! I couldn’t stand another minute around that guy! Since you freed me, now, by our custom, I’m to accompany you and be your friend until the day you die, in which case I’ll die. Don’t worry, it seems more brutal than it really is. I’m pretty much just your best friend until both of you pass away, and then my daughter, if I have one, will be your kids’ best friend, and then their children’s children, and then their children’s children after that, and you get the idea.
Genis: So you’re our fairy?
Nikki: Yup!
Presea: And what was all that golden light surrounding us? Was that you?
Nikki: Yeah! You guys didn’t have enough magic in you to have a fairy, so I gave your blood more magic. It’s sort of a ritual you go through before you get a fairy. Oh, and you get used to the pointy ears after a while.
Genis: Pointy ears?
Nikki: Fine, pointi-er ears, whatever!
Presea: (feels ears) You’re right, they are pointy...if that’s even a word...
Genis: And one more thing, what did you mean by our children?
Nikki: What? Is she not your mate?
Genis: Umm...we’re kind of young...
Nikki: (cheeks turn red) Well, I kind of...married you two...in the ritual...
Genis and Presea: WHAT?!?
Nikki: Sorry!
Colette: (wakes up) Hi Genis! Hi Presea! Why is everybody on the ground? Is it nap time? I like naps! Aww, where’d all the cake go?
Genis: Why didn’t we let him take her with him?
Presea: It was for the sake of the galaxy.
Genis: Yeah, but was it really worth it?
Presea: No. It wasn’t.
Everyone else: (wakes up)
Lloyd: What happened? Where’s the creepy demonic angel?
Genis: Presea and I beat it!
Lloyd: Who are you? What did you do with Genis? If you’ve done anything to Genis, then I swear I’ll---
Raine: Lloyd! I don’t believe it, but that is Genis, and that’s Presea! They’ve somehow turned into elves!
Lloyd: Elves?
Zelos: Wow, so we finally have some elves in the group!
Colette: Your ears are pointy! Heehee! Pointy! That reminds me of ponies...I like ponies! And naps. And cake, too! Mmm...cake....
Sheena: And what’s that on your fingers? Are those wedding rings?!?! Did you two get married!?!?
Genis: Uhh....no...these are....mood rings! They tell whether you’re dead or alive. When you’re alive, they’re made out of diamonds. When you’re dead, they look exactly the same but are a little bit less shiny.
Colette: I like shiny things! Wahoo! Shiny!
Lloyd: Works for me.
Sheena: I’m still a little skeptical, but it’s not my business.
Zelos: Hey, it’s still my birthday for a few more minutes! Let’s celebrate!
Sheena: How about you hang out with Gnome instead? I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Hi Sheena! Hey, Genis and Presea have a fairy! And they’re married, too!
All: It’s a mood ring!
Gnome: Sure, whatever!
Lloyd: ...? No one here ever makes sense...
Zelos: Hey Gnome, let’s hang out in my destroyed mansion!
Gnome: Sounds fun! Woohoo!!!
Sheena: I’m glad that’s over with.
Sofaspud23: Thanks to all my fans for reading this far! Coming Soon!
The Shadow of the Past Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm by Sofaspud23
Tales of Irmphitria by Sofaspud23
Tales of Symphonia 2: Darkness Unleashed by Derek the Demon Prince
So be sure not to miss the next exciting chapter of “The Shadow of the Past” And you know what? It probably still won’t have anything to do with shadows or the past! Go figure!


Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm
Sofaspud23: I have nothing against rappers or the crocodile hunter. And I don’t own them, either. Nor do I own Namco, Tales of Symphonia, any of their characters or cities, or crumpets.
Derek the Demon Prince: Here’s a little tip for you! Unless you like to listen to the ramblings of a guy who lives in the middle of nowhere, you’ll want to skip this first line...or paragraph, whatever.
Sofaspud23: Hiya, and welcome to The Shadow of the Past Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm. Yes, this is the fateful chapter where you discover how the story was named. But since I just had to have some randomness in the title, we’ve titled it “The Meaning of Sarcasm”, because of about 4 lines of text. Many thanks to RoyalFanatic for reviewing! And I’m sorry I haven’t updated more, but the Fall Festival was in town. It’s a sort of carnival that comes to our town every fall. Although I know you’re all just dying to hear my story (sarcasm), I’ll just skip over that for now and tell the story I came here to tell.
Derek the Demon Prince: Wow, a whopping 6 lines! I think you set a new record for the longest into ever...
Sofaspud23: Sh-shut up!
Derek the Demon Prince: Whatever, just start the story already!
Sofaspud23: Fine! Here we go. Lloyd had just walked into the Meltokio inn with Sheena at his side, only to find that the entire group was staying at the inn (even Zelos, because his house had been destroyed by pure ugliness).
Lloyd: So you guys are all staying here, too?
Genis: Yep. The whole city was obliterated by ugliness, except for this one place which was spared because Zelos was the one who decorated it. You fight ugliness with ugliness, right? The castle’s still there, too. I don’t know why, but maybe it has something to do with the graffiti of Zelos’ face on the side. It’s anyone’s guess.
Zelos: If I knew what that meant, I’d be offended!
Sheena: (sarcasm) Wow, Zelos! What a burn that was! I swear, you couldn’t come up with a good comeback for the life of you.
Zelos: Oh yeah? Well...I am rubber and you are glue! Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! How was that for a comeback? Huh? Huh? Beat that!
Sheena: You moron...
Zelos: You...you...
Lloyd: Man, out-burned by Genis. Even I could do better than that!
Genis: What-did-you-say? I’ll give you a burn! Explos-
Presea: Genis, that’s stupid. Blowing him up won’t solve anything.
Genis: Well, I guess so...
Presea: That’s why you hit him with an axe! Devastation! Dual Infliction! Eternal Damnation!
Lloyd: (Gets hit by everything Presea throws at him) Aaah! Okay, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
Presea: That’s what I thought.
Genis: Wow, Presea! That was way better than blowing him up!
Presea: (giggles) I know.
Sofaspud23: Everyone sat in awed silence, so surprised that Presea had giggled. Except for Genis, who was deep in conversation with Presea. After a while, the group parted and everyone said good night and went to their separate rooms. The next morning, they all looked forward to a homemade breakfast by Genis...but Raine woke up earlier and had made pancakes...so anyone with half a brain ate at McDonald’s. Then they all went their separate ways. Sheena and Lloyd were on their way to Mizuho to pay a visit to the new Summon Spirit Lab there. Genis and Raine were going to the ruins of the Tower of Salvation to pray at Mithos’ grave. Zelos was going to stalk Lloyd and Sheena, hoping to kill Lloyd. Colette was headed for Altamira, to star in “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone Had Poisoned the Cake” at the theatre area. Regal was with her, since he also had business in Altamira. He was wondering if traveling with her was worth the 6 billion Gald waiting at Altamira. Presea was traveling with Raine and Genis. Kratos and Yuan had just finished their tea and crumpets, and were off to fetch their exspheres.
Lloyd: Hey, Sheena.
Sheena: Yeah, Lloyd?
Lloyd: I’ve been meaning to ask, what does sarcasm mean? (whole reason for the chapter’s title)
Sheena: You don’t know? No wonder you’re always so clueless. At least a quarter of the script in the game was sarcasm!
Lloyd: So, what does it mean?
Sheena: I can’t really explain it...let’s ask Presea! She’s a walking dictionary! Hey, Presea! What’s the definition of sarcasm?
Presea: Sarcasm? It’s, like, when someone says something they don’t really mean, y’know?
Lloyd: Hey! I can actually understand you now!
Sheena: Lloyd, don’t---wait, I can understand you too! What happened to all the big words you used to use all the time?
Presea: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Hey, we’re leaving! Bye! (leaves with Genis and Raine)
Lloyd: Wow, now she actually seems human.
Sheena: She’s fallen in love with Genis and that’s awakened her inner personality! Isn’t it so romantic?
Lloyd: Uhh, sure, I guess so.
Sheena: We never talk anymore! Why don’t you ever listen to me?
Lloyd: What?!? Ah, I uh...
Sofaspud23: We leave Lloyd in a particularly uncomfortable situation to attend to more important matters elsewhere...
Lloyd: Hey, don’t leave me here!!
Sofaspud23: On Derris-Kharlan...
Kratos: (into camera) Hi there. I’m Kratos. And this is my best bud, Yuan.
Yuan: (Steve Irwin accent) Today, we’re on the trail of a vicious man-eating plant. It stole our exspheres and now we’re out to get ‘em back! Crikey!
Kratos: And remember kids, if you should ever come across some exsphere-enhanced killer plants, contact the proper authorities and do not try to attack them stupidly like we are!
Yuan: Look! There they are! Such beautiful creatures, so majestic, so...
Kratos: Can we just get the exspheres and leave?
Yuan: Patience, Kratos. We’ve got to sneak up on them very slowly, otherwise they’ll get spooked.
Kratos: Sure thing. (jumps into the garden) Prepare to die, evil plant! Oh no! No! Noooooo! Don’t throw tomatoes at me!!! Please!!! NOOOOO!!!! (runs out of the garden)
Yuan: Like I said, be stealthy...(sneaks up behind the plant and takes one of the exspheres) Now, let’s sneak out of here very slowly...Crikey! (the plant spots him and throws tomatoes at him)
Kratos: Couldn’t you have gotten my exsphere, too?
Yuan: But without an exsphere, this beauty would perish right quick. I wouldn’t harm an innocent creature!
Kratos: (sigh) If you’re talking like the crocodile hunter, then I’ll be a rapper! Yo yo, dawg! Why you be trippin over some plant when I be in da house, yo?
Yuan: Crikey! He’s gone completely bananas! The heat must be getting to him! He’s speaking some foreign language!
Kratos: Yo, we in da hood now, yo! Let’s get dis party started!
Yuan: (normal) Seriously, you make a really bad rapper.
Kratos: You ain’t all dat and a bag o’ chips as da crocodile hunta, yo!
Yuan: Look! Your bad acting is killing the plant! Go take your exsphere!
Kratos: Roger dat! (goes and grabs the exsphere)
Yuan: Okay, I’ll stop talking like Steve Irwin if you stop talking like a rapper.
Kratos: Agreed.
Sofaspud23: Meanwhile, on the road to Altamira...
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: Yes.
Colette: Really? Yay!!! Wait...this is a trick, isn’t it? You just said that to trick me! We aren’t even anywhere near there, are we?
Regal: No, we’re really there.
Colette: Riiiight. And I suppose you’re telling me the big sign that says, “Welcome to Altamira” is real, too? I’m not falling for it, Regal! That’s so lame. Go trick somebody else!
Regal: Fine, whatever...(enters Altamira, followed by Colette)
Colette: Hey Regal, are we there yet? And is there cake where we’re going? I like cake! And cheese. Ooh, and cheesecake! And ducks. I like ducks. Quack! Quack! Ducks go quack! Hehehehehehe! (does Mithos’ evil laugh)
Regal: That’s a very disturbing laugh.
Colette: Quack! Heehee!
Regal: Why me?
Sofaspud23: At the Ruins of the Tower of Salvation...
Genis: Rest in peace, Mithos.
Raine: You miss him, don’t you?
Genis: He was a good friend...
Raine: A worthy opponent...
Presea: A...uh...a good friend...
Raine: We already said that one.
Presea: What else is there?
Genis: I don’t know. There aren’t really that many great values about Mithos. Let’s see...a guy who looked like a girl?
Presea: That’s true, but it doesn’t seem very fitting at a grave.
Genis: You’re right.
Raine: Are we done? Because I made cookies!
Genis and Presea: (unison) Uhm, no! No, we’re not done! Mithos was, ah, ah, a good friend! A worthy opponent! A guy who looked like a girl! Just don’t make us eat the cookies! Wow, that was weird. We just said the same thing at the same time. Hey, it happened again!.........(pause for a while)....... Higabiggaboo! Creepy...it’s like we’re linked or something...
Raine: (just stares at the two of them) Wait...the only way for you two to say the exact same thing at the exact same time would be if you had...FAIRY GODPARENTS!!!!!!!! (Spazzes out)
Nikki: (waves hand in front of Raine’s face) These are not the droids you are looking for.
Raine: Droids? What droids?
Nikki: See? You don’t even remember they were there.
Raine: Wait, you’re a...FAIRY!!!! (spazzes out)
Nikki: Right, wrong words. (waves hand in front of Raine‘s face) You can’t see me! My time is now!
Raine: (in a trance) I can’t see you...your time is now...
Nikki: (snaps fingers)
Raine: What just happened? FAIRIES!!!! (spazzes out)
Genis: Wow, I can’t believe the author stopped so low as to copy stuff from a cartoon no one watches...
Presea: Yes. It’s kind of creepy...
Genis: Very creepy...
Sofaspud23: At the Summon Spirit Research Lab in Mizuho...
Lloyd: So Kuchinawa said he the summon spirit research paid off? What’d they discover?
Sheena: If I knew that, I wouldn’t be coming here.
Lloyd: Sarcasm, right?
Sheena: No, Lloyd. I meant that.
Lloyd: Oh. Wait, was that sarcasm?
Sheena: (sigh) I think you should just give up on sarcasm. (walks into the Lab to meet Kuchinawa)
Kuchinawa: Hello, Sheena. I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is...the chief died yesterday.
Sheena: What!?! Then what’s the good news?
Kuchinawa: The good news is that I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
Sheena: That’s...great...
Lloyd: Now that was sarcasm! I’m sure of it this time!
Sheena: Yes, Lloyd. That was sarcasm. Congratulations.
Kuchinawa: Now I’ve got good news, great news, bad news, worse news, and horrible news.
Sheena: Joy...
Lloyd: That was sarcasm, too! I’m on a roll here!
Kuchinawa: The good news is that the Summon Sprits’ power has just doubled! The great news is that even more Summon Spirits have been discovered! The bad news is that the Summon Spirits are at the far edges of the galaxy. The worse news is that we don’t have a space shuttle anywhere nearby. And the horrible news is that my meatball marinara sandwich form Subway is burnt! Sweet Italian goodness, and all of it ruined!
Sheena and Lloyd: WHAT?
Kuchinawa: I know! The cheap bastards at Subway burnt the sandwich! I swear, I’m going to file a complaint!
Sheena: No, not that! You mean there are more Summon Spirits? In outer space?
Kuchinawa: Yes. If you can find them and make a pact with them, then they’ll be safe from evil forces.
Lloyd: But there’s no rush, right? It isn’t like anybody else is going to journey through the cold depths of space to form a pact with a few Summon Spirits, right?
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Ooh, suspense! You gotta love it! And I don’t own the weird Fairly Oddparents stuff I put in there. Join us next time for “The Shadow of the Past: Another Journey Begins” Until then, here’s a new trend I’m starting! I’ll put a random quote at the end of each chapter, and say what it’s from and who said it at the beginning of the next one. The first person to send a review or an email or a comment with the correct answer gets a reward! Rewards are usually input into the fanfic, such as adding characters, places, and sometimes even events, into the fanfic. (NOTE: It is useless to send in answers to quotes from previous chapters) My email address is sofaspud23@aol.com, so email me what this is from and who said it:
“Try not. Do...or do not. There is no try.”

HINT: This guy seems a little bit green in the face, but that’s just my opinion.
Think you know it? If you do, then write in a review or an email or a comment with who said it, what it’s from, and what you want to add to the story. It can’t be too drastic, nothing that would change the storyline extremely. Yes, I actually am working on a possible storyline...it involves making fun of wrestling...a lot...but for now, good bye and good luck!


Chapter 4: Another Journey Begins
Disclaimer: Sofaspud23 does not claim ownership of Namco, Tales of Symphonia, Subway, Days of our Lives, the WWE, Family Guy, Star Wars, the song “Blue”, or Pizza Hut.
Sofaspud23: I apologize for the many typos in the previous chapter, and for those who figured out who said the quote and couldn’t send me anything, I send my sincere apologies. The story submit part at fanfiction.net wouldn’t put my address in the document. It’s sofaspud23(a)aol.com. The a in the circle won’t show up in the writing, so I have to improvise. So I’m sorry if you were unable to send me anything. And I forgot about this: I do not own McDonald’s. I didn’t put that in the disclaimer for the last chapter. And I also forgot to edit out the part about that chapter being the one where we discover the meaning of the fanfic’s title. That’s this chapter. Sorry to get your hopes up! But it’s definitely this one. Did you guess who said the quote? It was Yoda from Star Wars in the fifth one! Now, here’s chapter 4: Another Journey Begins!
Derek the Demon Prince: I stand corrected. This is the longest intro ever. 8 lines!!! I’m amazed!
Sofaspud23: I’ll ignore that for now.
Derek the Demon Prince: But--
Sofaspud23: Shhh! Are you going to talk during the story?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, no...
Lloyd: It isn’t like anybody else is going to journey through the cold depths of space to form a pact with a few Summon Spirits, right?
Derek the Demon Prince: What? Who said that?
Sofaspud23: Shh, it’s starting!
Derek the Demon Prince: Oh! Why didn’t you say something?
Z E L O S
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Lloyd: That voice sounds familiar...
Zelos: (falls from the ceiling) It’s me!!! And you’re wrong because I’m going with ya, buddy! And we’ll gather up everybody else too! It’ll be like a road trip!
Sheena: Except there’s no road...
Zelos: Right! Let’s go get the others! But we’ll take our sweet little time. There’s no reason to hurry, right?
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Zelos: Hey! I’m the one who says that!
Mysterious Voice: What? (Checks script) No, it says here that I say it the second time.
Zelos: (looks at his script) Oh, I guess you’re right. It’s just so confusing! There are way too many mysterious voices!
Mysterious Voice: Tell me about it. At any rate...(clears throat)...that’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Alas, the creepy demonic angel from earlier had appeared before them!
Lloyd: Colette’s not here! What do you want now, creepy demonic angel?
Creepy Demonic Angel: Insolence! You will call me by my name: Scipio.
Sheena: Scipio? What kind of jacked up name is that supposed to be?
Scipio: Silence, human!
Lloyd: Wait! That was sarcasm, I just know it!
All: (give Lloyd a look of pity)
Lloyd: What?
Scipio: That is so sad...
Sheena: Don’t change the subject! What do you want?
Scipio: You will address me by my name! Scipio!
Sheena: I’ll call you what I want to call you!
Kuchinawa: SHUT UP!!!! I’m on the phone with Subway. They say they’ll give us all free sandwiches for a year because they burnt mine. What do you all want?
Lloyd: Italian bread, pepper jack with everything on it but tomatoes.
Sheena: The same, but hold the cucumbers and extra pineapple.
Zelos: I’m on a diet, so I’ll have the southwest chicken wrap.
Scipio: Meatball Marinara...
Kuchinawa: You too? High five, my man! Word!
Sofaspud23: So the Subway delivery guy drove up in his car with the cool little Subway sign on top, and they all ate and chatted with each other, setting aside their differences.
L L O Y D
Lloyd: So Scipio, what’d you come all the way here for?
Scipio: A number of things, actually. Mizuho is widely known for its superb curry.
Lloyd: I see. You know they put pineapple in it, right?
Scipio: Do they now? Hmm, how very interesting.
Sheena: So what other reason is there?
Scipio: Well, I’d heard that there was a sword around here that could send one into outer space, called “The Infernal Sword” or something of the like. It’s purple, which is a strange color for a sword. I planned on stealing it and using it to explore the deepest regions of space, therefore forming pacts with all 12 of the new Summon Spirits and then using their power, combined with the fake angel girl, to revive Mithos the Hero and his sister Martel. But of course, I can plainly see that The Infernal Sword is merely a myth. This sandwich is superb, by the way.
Sofaspud23: Everyone stared dumbfounded at Scipio, except for Lloyd who of course thought he was being sarcastic.
Lloyd: Riiiiiight. Hey, I’ve got a purple sword! And it can control space and time! It’s called The Eternal Sword! It’s name sounds a lot like that Infernal Sword, doesn’t it? Here, I’ll show it to you! (pulls out the Eternal Sword and hands it to Scipio)
Scipio: Yes! Muahahahahahahaha!!!! With this, I’ll rule the universe!
Eternal Sword: You have not the right.
Scipio: (is knocked away) Ugh! I cannot use this sword! It remains, as by Mithos’ pact, unusable by those who lack the blood of elves! I must master the sword by my own power and forge a new bond with it!
Sheena: Wow, he got it a lot faster than you did, Lloyd.
Scipio: Ah, screw it! I’ll just blow it up! Dark Judgment!
Sofaspud23: Beams of darkness rose from the ground, disintegrating whatever they touched...including the Eternal Sword.
Scipio: Dammit, now how am I going to go into space? Hey, maybe I could just fly out there! I don’t need to breathe, after all! Stupid me! See you, everybody! Thanks for the sandwiches!
All: Bye, Scipio! We’ll see you later! It was fun talking!
S H E E N A
Sheena: Hey wait, didn’t he just disintegrate the Eternal Sword?
Lloyd: Yeah, so what?
Sheena: We need the Eternal Sword to travel into space to form Summon Spirit pacts!
Zelos: We could just go to Cape Carnival! It’s a space needle surrounded by a giant circus tent!
Lloyd: But how’ll we get there without Rheairds?
Zelos: Can’t we just walk there? It isn’t restricted or anything.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Lloyd: Scipio, you already came in! You’ve left for this scene. When you run out of pages to read, then you’re done.
Scipio: But I thought you went back to the first page. It says “back” right here.
Sheena: That’s just telling you it’s the back of the page.
Scipio: Oh, now it makes sense! Thanks! Bye!
All: Bye!
Zelos: Where was I? Ah, yes! Can’t we just walk there? It isn’t restricted or anything.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Zelos: Scipio, what now?
Mysterious Voice: I’m not Scipio, I’m Forrest. Forrest Forrester.
Zelos: Oh. Then it’s your line now...I think. Dammit, Sofaspud23! Quit giving the mysterious voices the same line!
Lloyd: Zelos, why are you shouting at the sky?
Zelos: Umm...no reason...
Mysterious Voice: Okay then, here goes! That’s where you’re wrong...
R E G A L
Sofaspud23: Regal was happy. He had 37 billion Gald in his left pocket, and 17 billion Gald in his right. There was no way anything could spoil his mood. Or so he thought. He decided to go to a play, after seeing the movie, “Tales of Irmphitria”. Ever since the journey to stop Mithos, people had been coming up with all sorts of stories about what had been happening to everybody and calling them “fanfictions”. It’s a fusion of the words “fan” and “fiction”. Regal thought the word was brilliant, but some of the stories were half-baked. After all...Irmphitria? Come on, how corny is that? At any rate, Regal was going to see a play called, “We Were Just Wondering If Anyone Had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” It couldn’t be that good, since Colette was in it. He bought tickets and took his seat. When the show started he saw Colette in a duck costume walking around saying “Moo! I’m a cow!” This continued for most of the play until a piece of cake was placed near the duck/cow/Colette.
Duck/Cow/Colette: Hey look, cake! (eats cake)
Sofaspud23: On the way out, Colette unfortunately caught up with Regal.
Colette: Hi! I like cake!
Regal: That was the worst play I’ve ever seen! What was the point of it?
Colette: Loopy, loopy, loopy, loopy...
Regal: I wasted 5 of my 54 billion Gald to see you waddle around in a duck costume!
Colette: Hey! That’s mean!
Regal: Sorry, but--
Colette: I was a flamingo! Flamingos go moo and are yellow, right? Of course!
Regal: Ooookay...
Colette: I miss Stewie...
Regal: Stewie?
Colette: He’s a baby with a head shaped like a football who is bent on taking over the world. I miss him...
Regal: Great...
Colette: STEWIE!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! WE HAD SO LITTLE TIME TOGETHER!!!!!
Regal: Don’t yell! What happened to Stewie?
Colette: Who’s Stewie?
Regal: The baby bent on taking over the world who you were just talking about.
Colette: I like cake! SPLEEN!!!!
Regal: Never mind...
Colette: Hey, what’s that flying above our heads?
Regal: I don’t believe it, it’s...
Colette: BROWNIES!!!!!
C O L E T T E
Sofaspud23: I apologize, but Colette’s thoughts at this moment are nearly impossible to translate. I only bothered translating two lines because I got bored and went on telling Raine’s story. The rest is in its original format. This is only a portion of the whole collection of Colette‘s current thoughts, which is 3 pages long.
Colette: It’s a squirrel!
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Colette: Ooh, it’s got cake!
Flying Squirrel: Yadsruht no yrdnual pu kcip.
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawaga....
Colette: Tuo teg ot elbissopmi ylraen era sniats ittehgaps!
Flying Squirrel: Hcaelb Xorolc devorpmi dna wen s’ereht yhw s’taht!
Colette: S’ybra gnikniht m’I...
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga....
Flying Squirrel: Yzarc nialp tsuj. Etteloc, yzarc er’uoy.
Colette: Ekac ekil I!
Flying Squirrel: (yawa seilf)
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Sofaspud23: As I said, it doesn’t make much sense...at all. It’s just three pages of complete nonsense. So let’s just get on with the next part of the story.
R A I N E
Sofaspud23: Raine, Genis, and Presea were on the way to meet Lloyd, as they had planned. Apparently Kuchinawa had some important news for all of them. They were nearly there when suddenly...
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Genis: Here she goes again...
Presea: How many times is this?
Genis: I lost count...
Raine: This rock is like, totally gray! I mean seriously, it’s gray! Isn’t that creepy?
Genis: Remind me again how she got like this?
Presea: Okay...(starts flashback)
Genis: No! No flashbacks! Just tell me!
Presea: Right. (stops flashback) You remember, don’t you?
Genis: Yeah, but there might be some guy writing down what we say to post on the Internet, so that a couple of random people on their lunch break can kill time by reading it, and get a couple of laughs out of it. We wouldn’t want to disappoint them!
Presea: You’re right, that seems logical. Okay then, Raine kept spazzing out about fairies, so Nikki got mad and cast a spell to make her eternally stupid and preppy.
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Genis: What is it this time?
Raine: Like, your hair is so totally pink! That’s so 2 days, 6 hours, 27 minutes and 13 seconds ago! Puh-lease! Don’t you know anything about fashion? And your ears are so pointy, you look so ugly! Geez, you’re so stupid. Are you a goth or something? Eww!
Nikki: (appears out of nowhere wearing a bunch of fancy bling) Speaking of the EWW, John Cena is so HOT!
Presea: Who’s John Cena? And why is he hot? He should stand by an air vent if he’s that hot.
Nikki: John Cena is only the best wrestler the EWW has ever seen! He’s so dreamy...
Genis: The EWW? I’ve never heard of that.
Nikki: You haven’t? It’s like the WWE, only it isn’t fake! And you get to use weapons and magic! They’re more like gladiator matches than anything else. John Cena is from West Newberry, Massachusetts and he’s so hot...
Presea: I’m still not understanding why he’s hot. Any why the heck isn’t he going outside? It’s autumn! It isn’t hot outside!
Genis: Massachusetts? That sounds like a place Gnome would make up.
Nikki: It does too exist!
Genis: Sure it does.
P R E S E A
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Presea: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?!
Raine: Oh, you did NOT just go there! (slaps Presea)
Presea: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?! ETERNAL DAMNATION!!!!
Genis: I’m sorry, Raine! But you won’t shut up! I call upon thee in the land of the dead to unleash thy fury of thunder! Indignation!
Presea: Rising Punishment!
Genis: Now!
Presea: Lightning Punishment!
Raine: Omigosh! I like, totally wasn’t even close to strong enough! Awesome! (passes out)
Presea: I’m glad that’s over with.
Genis: We can heal her once we get to Mizuho, which shouldn’t take too long. We’re not going to have any detours or anything.
Presea: Actually, I was kind of hoping that we could do something else...
Genis: Like what?
Presea: Well you know, we’re married now, and we’re all by ourselves without anyone to watch over us...
Nikki: I’m here!
Presea: But you’re our fairy and you wouldn’t stop us...
Genis: From what?
Presea: Going to Pizza Hut and using Raine’s credit card to buy the food, of course!
G E N I S
Genis: This was a great idea! (finishes his slice of pepperoni)
Presea: I know! And Raine’s the one who’ll pay for it! (takes a bite out of a breadstick)
Genis: What about dessert? Do we want Cinnamon Sticks or dessert pizza?
Presea: Both!
Genis: Great! Waiter!
Presea: But after dessert, we’d better get back to Lloyd and the others.
Genis: Yeah. But we can eat dessert first. It isn’t like they’re going anywhere.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong.
Genis: Dude, you aren’t in this act.
Mysterious Voice: What? Yeah, I am! It says right here that I come in after you order dessert.
Presea: Are you sure? Because I could’ve sworn you were only in the first act. (checks script)
Mysterious Voice: 5th page, near the top.
Genis: Now I see it!
Presea: I guess you were right after all!
Mysterious Voice: Aren’t I always right?
Genis and Presea: (unison) No.
Mysterious Voice: Oh thanks for the support, guys.
Genis and Presea: (unison) No problem! Whoa, it’s the unison thing again...
Mysterious Voice: Like I was saying before, that’s where you’re wrong...
K R A T O S
Kratos: Hey Yuan, did you see yesterday’s episode of Days of Our Lives?
Yuan: Sorry, I missed it.
Kratos: It was the best one yet! Joanne asked Bobby out, but she really loves George, who thinks he loves Cindy, whose father is in a coma, but actually loves Miranda, whose brother Jeremy is in love with Bobby. He’s gay.
Yuan: Oh, I think I saw that one.
Kratos: You did?
Yuan: Yeah! And then the guy with the chainsaw came by and threatened to kill Kratos if he bored Yuan with any more of his freakin’ soap operas!
Kratos: No, that was a different episode.
Yuan: GRRRRRR!!!
Mysterious Voice: Having fun?
Yuan: Aren’t you supposed to say “That’s where you’re wrong”?
Kratos: Yeah, that’s what you’ve always said.
Mysterious Voice: But if I said “That’s where you’re wrong” now, then it wouldn’t make sense. And my mommy taught me to always use correct grammar.
Kratos: He’s got a point...
Yuan: Well, in answer to your question, no! We are most definitely NOT having fun! Sofaspud23 didn’t give us a very big part in this chapter! All we do is sit here and talk about stupid Days of our Lives.
Kratos: It’s not stupid!!!
Mysterious Voice: What? Days of our Lives isn’t stupid! Are you crazy?
Yuan: Great, I’m surrounded by morons.
Mysterious Voice: See, now it makes sense! That’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Who are these mysterious voices whom we seem to meet much too often? Find out in the next chapter which shall remain nameless for now! In the meantime, here’s tonight’s quote:

“What you see is what you get. I’m just a guy that loves adventure!”

If you know who said it, then send in your answer in a review or an email to Sofaspud23(a)aol.com. If you’re still stumped, here’s a hint: “Everything is blue to him, and himself, and everybody around” Good luck! If you’re right, you get input into the next chapter!




The Shadow of the Past Chapter 5: A Series of Semi-Unfortunate Events
Disclaimer: I do not own the Arby’s and Clorox Bleach stuff from last chapter, Big Show, Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo, Cinnamon Sticks, Days of our Lives, the Ferrari brand, Green Day, JBL, Mrs. Tuckwood and her pet Kevin, Namco, People Magazine, Quizno’s, Rey Mysterio, Ric Flair, Schlotsky’s, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Sony PSP, Subway, Tales of Symphonia, or “Wake Me Up When September Ends”
Other Disclaimer: And this fanfic does not necessarily depict the views of Sofaspud23, except for his actual lines.
Sofaspud23: Today is a very exciting day. Today we introduce someone new to our intro cast! It’s Whatsername! I’d tell you all about her, but certain people...(glances at Derek the Demon Prince) think that my intros are getting too long. So I’ll let her speak for herself.
Whatsername: My name is Whatsername, because Sofaspud23 couldn’t think of a name when he needed someone new for the intro. I’m a rebel, a vigilante, whatever you want to call it. I’m from Chicago and was raised in Toronto. I have a brother named St. Jimmy. And that’s all you need to know about me.
Derek the Demon Prince: Also, for those of you who were curious, last chapter’s quote was by Sonic the Hedgehog in Sonic Adventure 2: Battle. This chapter will probably be longer than the previous chapter, although chapter 4 was reasonably long. Here’s tonight’s quote, it’ll be shown again at the end of the chapter: “The representative from California has the floor” If you know it, send Sofaspud23 an email or a review with the answer in it. Expect to see more Kratos and Yuan in this chapter.
Sofaspud23: Ha! You both had a longer intro than me!
Whatsername: So?
Derek the Demon Prince: I’m not seeing your point.
Sofaspud23: It’s just...ah, nevermind. Here’s Chapter 5: A Series of Semi-Unfortunate Events
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Part I: Lloyd, Sheena, and Zelos
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...(enters the building)
Zelos: I...I don’t believe it!
Lloyd: What? He looks like a rapper.
Sheena: That’s because he is a rapper, Lloyd! That’s Forrest Forrester! The best-known rapper in the world!
Zelos: And plus, he’s--
Forrest: Da big cheese at da EWW, yo!
Lloyd: Eww!
Forrest: You be hating on da EWW, yo? Dat ain’t good, yo!
Lloyd: What? No, I was just saying what you were. The Eww, right?
Forrest: It’s EWW, yo!
Lloyd: That’s what I said. Eww.
Forrest: Nevermind, yo.
Lloyd: My name’s not Yo!
Zelos: It’s Bud.
Lloyd: Yeah, what he sa--wait, my name’s not Bud!
Forrest: I know. It’s Lloyd. And I know all about you.
Lloyd: Really?
Forrest: Your favorite color is red, you hate tomatoes, your dad exterminated a couple of exsphere-enhanced plants the other day, and you think Quizno’s beats the heck out of Subway, but you eat at Subway anyway because you think Sheena likes it there and you don’t want to make her mad.
Sheena: What? You like Subway less than Quizno’s? Why didn’t you tell me? I love Quizno’s!
Zelos: I’m more of a Schlotsky’s fan.
Kuchinawa: Am I the only one who loves Subway?
All Except Kuchinawa: (unison) Yes. Wow, we’re talking at the same time! This is weird. Stop talking. No, you stop talking! You first! Jinx! Hahahahahahaha!
Kuchinawa: Dammit.
Forrest: As I was saying, the ground around Cape Carnival is the property of the EWW.
Sheena: What does EWW stand for?
Zelos: Extreme World Warriors
Forrest: Yes, exactly. And I hear you guys are pretty good at fighting, so I’m willing to make an offer. You and your buddies make a guest appearance on both Stabkill! and VIOLENCE, and I’ll let you guys use the shuttle at Cape Carnival to go and form picks with the Spiffy Summies.
Sheena: You mean pacts with the Summon Spirits.
Forrest: Whatever, same thing. So do I have a deal?
Lloyd: Nah, we can just use the Eternal Sword.
Sheena: Scipio destroyed it, remember?
Lloyd: Riiiiight. Sure he did. You think I don’t know when you’re sarcastic? You just don’t know me, Sheena.
Sheena: Why did I marry an idiot?
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: Yes! Sheena is divorcing Lloyd! I even got it on tape!
Sheena: I didn’t say that!
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: I know, but People magazine doesn’t need to know that! Now everyone will think you two hate each other! Muahahahahahaha!
Mailman: (delivers the mail, which Kuchinawa goes and gets)
Kuchinawa: Look! It’s already on the front page!
Sheena: But you didn’t even send it yet!
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: I did it telepathically! Wahahahahahahahahahaha!!! (coughs, then takes a deep breath) Wahahahahahahahaha!!! (gets hit by an arrow that Forrest Forrester had shot at him)
Forrest: Sorry, but that was getting really annoying.
Lloyd: (reads magazine) Oh no! Sheena hates me! (starts crying) Why do you hate me, Sheena? WHY???
Sheena: Lloyd, I don’t hate you...
Lloyd: Yes you do!!! The magazine said so!!! You’re just being sarcastic!!!!
Sheena: No, the magazine’s being sarcastic.
Lloyd: What? She’s sarcastic, but the magazine’s sarcastic. Then she says that the magazine’s....AAAAAH!!!! What am I supposed to believe?
Zelos: Lloyd, what’s going on? Don’t lose sight of who you are! No matter who your parents are, no matter your background, you’re still you!
Lloyd: But what does that have to do with anything?
Zelos: Oh. Right, my bad. Just believe that sarcasm doesn’t exist and everything was fine.
Lloyd: Oh. Okay then! Now everything makes sense! The magazine was lying! Got it!
Sheena: I guess you’re better off without sarcasm.
Lloyd: But sarcasm isn’t real, Sheena. Everyone knows that.
Forrest: Sorry to interrupt this thrilling conversation, but we’ve got a tight schedule. Are you in or not?
Sheena: We’re in.
Forrest: Good, because you’ve got a match on VIOLENCE next week.
Lloyd: Wait, shouldn’t we find the others?
Forrest: What? Oh, they’re already at the studio. The rich one, blonde one, smart one, pink-haired one, 4000 year old one that looks 28 or something, blue-haired one that looks like a chick, and the preppy one.
Sheena: Wait, who’s the preppy one if it isn’t Colette?
Forrest: Let’s see, white hair, goes by the name of Raine.
Zelos: She’s not really preppy, but she’s still hot.
Sheena: (slaps Zelos)
Zelos: I wasn’t even hitting on you!
Sheena: You’re just annoying. Don’t talk.
Zelos: (backs a couple of feet away from Sheena) Hey, who are we facing in our first match?
Forrest: Kratos and Yuan will be in the Tag Team #1 contender match against JBL and Ric Flair, Lloyd is in the World Heavyweight #1 contender match versus Big Show. Sheena, Zelos, Presea, and Genis are in a Fatal 4-Way Hell in a Cell Match, and it’s Regal vs. Colette vs. Raine in a Triple Threat Steel Cage Match.
Zelos: That reminds me of Dwarven Vow #36,872: The red cockroach that has lice will never grow to be a centaur with proper armpits.
Sheena: To tell you the truth, I kind of like Dwarven Vow #563: Thou who hits on a violent demonic banshee shall feel its wrath.
Lloyd: Okay, so I sort of liked Dwarven Vow #2,006: He who carries two wooden swords and stupidly tries to hurt somebody with them shall never know the true meaning of sarcasm.
Kuchinawa: I’ve always liked Dwarven Vow #78,464,632,634: Subway is 20 times better than Quizno’s!
Lloyd: That’s not true! Dwarven Vow #78,464,632,634 is to always square dance to the sound of one hand clapping with a paranoid man in a cucumber costume on the 15th Thursday of the year, but only if September 28th is a Tuesday, and there are exactly 6 snails crossing the 263rd interstate of the planet Urgoplex, which has to be filled with illegal aliens at the time, at exactly 2 and a half miles per hour, and one is stepped on by a hitchhiker that turns out to be a leprechaun and is drunk and tries to do the hitchhiking symbol but ends up flipping off cars instead, so he gets his butt kicked by the leader of the snails he inadvertently stepped on, and it has also rained 6.218305134 inches in the form of toadstools with little munchkins eating toast with BBQ sauce on top scattered around on the 7,234th Saturday of the 14th century at no later or earlier than 9:37 PM. Oh, and you have to have a jelly donut with you...and bug spray, unless it’s the 3rd of August, in which case you wouldn’t come across any blood-sucking toolboxes in your basement.
All: Oookay...
Sheena: You can remember all that, but you can’t remember when our anniversary is?
Lloyd: What? Well maybe if you made magic food like Dirk I would.
Sheena: Are you insulting my cooking?
Lloyd: No! No, I was just saying that Dirk’s cooking was magical, and it made me memorize all the dwarven vows.
Sheena: Then when’s our anniversary?
Lloyd: Sept. 10th. That’s why Green Day made the song “Wake Me Up When September Ends” Remember when we went to their concert last year?
Sheena: Oh yeah, that was disastrous. Who could forget that?
Lloyd: Not me. So I do remember our anniversary! Unless...wait, you forgot our anniversary and that’s why you gave me that present the other day while I was square dancing to the sound of one hand clapping with the guy in the cucumber suit!
Sheena: How do you clap with one hand, anyway?
Lloyd: Beats me.
Forrest: Can we get going now?
Zelos: Yeah, let’s go!
Lloyd: To Cape Carnival!!!
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Colette, Regal, and the Flying Squirrel
Whatsername: Oh, and for those of you who didn’t get what Colette and the squirrel were saying, it was all just backwards. Except for Regal’s lines.
Colette: BROWNIES!!!
Regal: I don’t believe it, it’s the dark angel from earlier!
Scipio: That’s the Cruxis girl! I don’t have time for this, Days of Lives starts in 15 minutes! Tuckwood, go!!!
Tuckwood: (appears out of nowhere) PAUSE!!!! KEVIN, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! EVERYONE ELSE, WRITE ME A FIVE PAGE ESSAY ON HOW YOU CAN PERSUADE A COW TO THINK IT’S A DOG, DUE TOMORROW!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Regal: Good god, that thing’s evil! 5 pages long, geez! And that Kevin kid is obviously the teacher’s pet!
Colette: Hey, it looks like a giant piece of cake! I like cake!
Regal: It’s stale cake, so attack it!
Colette: What? No!!! I like cake, especially stale cake.
Derek the Demon Prince: Just attack it, you moron!
Colette: Huh? Oh, hello grass! You’re my friend!
Derek the Demon Prince: Holy crud! You can hear me?
Sofaspud23: Yes, I’m the sky and you’re the grass. Whatsername is the narrator today.
Colette: Hey, now the sky can talk!
Derek the Demon Prince: Why are we the sky and the grass?
Sofaspud23: Like I said, Whatersname’s the narrator today.
Derek the Demon Prince: Oh, I see.
Sofaspud23: Only Zelos and Colette can hear us, because they’re so delusional.
Colette: I love the grass! (hugs the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Aaah! Get off of me, you blonde! Get away! Aaah!
Colette: Why does the grass hate me? I hate you, grass! Die! Die! (stomps on the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Oww! Ouch! Stop that! Ack! That’s it! I’m starting an earthquake!
Regal: Colette, have you gone even crazier than you were? Why are you talking to the grass?
Tuckwood: (After a giant earthquake sunders the land, the Tuckwood trips and bounces into the sky and disappears unto nothingness.
Colette: (flies into the air) Haha! Stupid grass! I can fly!
Derek the Demon Prince: Dammit! Then I’ll just throw this tree at you! Hiyah! (tosses a tree at Colette)
Colette: (catches it) Hey, it’s a tree! Maybe it tastes like cake! I like cake! (takes a bite out of the tree) Mmm, cake...
Derek the Demon Prince: Wait a minute, that was the Symphonia Tree! Just put it back into the ground, Colette! Just put it back into the ground!
Colette: Burn it? Okay! I like fire! And cake! Ooh, wouldn’t a spicy cake be great?
Squirrel That Lives In The Tree: Hey, don’t burn this tree!
Colette: Okay, I’ll burn it! (lights a match)
Derek the Demon Prince: Whatsername? Is that you? Are you the squirrel?
Whatsername: Yep, it’s me! (flies into the air next to Colette) Let me say it in words you’ll understand: Truh steg ydobon dna niaga ssarg eht otni eert eht tnalp.
Colette: Aww, but I like people getting hurt.
Whatsername: Dab oot!
Colette: Fine, I’ll plant it into the grass, but only this once. Next time I‘m burning it. (shoves it into the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Oww!!! That hurt! It felt like I just got a shot!
Colette: If you’d all speak English, then I could understand you better!
Derek the Demon Prince: But we are speaking English!
Colette: I hate how everybody talks backwards!
Whatsername: Wait, maybe normal to us is backwards to her, so if you say something backwards she’ll understand it.
Regal: (gets up) Wow, that was a huge earthquake. Oh no! Altamira was destroyed! I rich! Er! I’m richer! I’m so glad I bought that city insurance at the last second before the earthquake! Awesome!
Colette: Hi Regal! We’re gonna be in a cage together on VIOLENCE!
Regal: Excuse me?
Colette: Stop talking backwards!
Whatsername: Regal, haven’t you read the latest People magazine? There’s a new one every thirty seconds. This one says how you and the rest of the Symphonia group signed a contract to make appearances on both of the EWW rosters seventeen minutes ago. So now I have to take you back in time to Cape Carnival seventeen minutes ago.
Regal: ....?
Colette: Say it the right way!
Sofaspud23: So after repeating what she had just said to Colette backwards, Whatsername flew the two of them back in time to seventeen minutes ago at Cape Carnival, and then disappeared, leaving them to sign the contract and wait for the others.
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Genis, Presea, Raine, Nikki, and a Talking Car
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Genis: What? But I love Cinnamon Sticks!
Nikki: It’s me! And you have no idea how much more important this is than Cinnamon sticks!
Presea: It can’t be that much more important. I mean c’mon, it’s cinnamon!
Nikki: You guys signed a contract with the EWW 38 minutes ago! Don’t you ever read People magazine?
Both (unison): No.
Nikki: Argh, anyway! You guys have to go back in time with me to sign the contract for the EWW.
Presea: Okay then, let’s go get Raine.
Nikki: Wait, where is Raine?
Genis: We threw her in a dumpster!
Nikki: But today’s garbage day!
Presea: Exactly, she’ll be taken far away, so she can’t find us! I hate preps.
Genis: But she’s still my sister...
Nikki: And she signed the contract with you! You have to go and find her!
Both (unison): (sigh) Okay, fine.
Nikki: I see you’ve gotten used to the unison thing.
Both (unison): Yeah, it got kinda boring after a while.
Nikki: Then let’s go find Raine!
All: (travel to the dumpster where they had dumped Raine)
Genis: Look! There’s the dumpster!
Presea: And there’s the trash truck loading it up!
Genis: Let’s go! Taxi! TAXI! TAXI!!!! Dammit, I can’t get a taxi!
Presea: Let me try! (pulls out her axe and runs in the middle of the road, where a taxi stops right in front of her) Let me in or else I’ll hit your car with this axe!
Taxi-driver: Okay, just don’t hurt the car! I just polished her!
Genis: Her?
Taxi-driver: What? Is it wrong to name my car?
Genis: I’m just saying, your car is a guy.
Taxi: Finally, somebody realizes that I’m a guy! I’ll let you on for free! Get out, chubby!
Taxi-driver: But I just polished you, Stephanie!
Taxi: It’s Stephen. And you call that polishing? Please! I’ve seen snakes who could polish me better. And they don’t even have hands! Get in, you two! And the fairy, as well.
Presea: Right! Follow that garbage truck!
Stephen: What garbage truck? It’s already driven away!
Presea: What? Then to the dump, and if we see a garbage truck on the way, follow it!
Nikki: Stephen, your colors are so dull. Let me change ‘em!
Stephen: Fine.
Nikki: (flies out of the car and gets rid of the taxi sign on top of the car, then turns it into a Ferrari)
Stephen: Sweet! No more ugly sign on top! And I can go fast! Awesome! (speeds up to 450 mph and crashes into several trees and houses, but doesn’t notice because he just goes through them. Yeah! This rocks!
Whatsername: So it continued for a long time, Stephen was speeding all around the city and he crashed into several different garbage trucks, splattering Genis and Presea with their contents, and Raine was still nowhere to be found.
Genis: (spits out a piece of trash) Eww! That’s nasty! How many times are you going to do that?
Stephen: Until you tell me to stop.
Genis: Then stop!
Stephen: Got it. (stops suddenly, sending Genis and Presea flying out of the car)
Presea: (lands in the dump) Great. More trash.
Genis: (lands next to her) This is disgusting! How much trash can we go through in one day?
Presea: Tons, apparently.
Nikki: (teleports herself and Stephen to the dump)
Genis: I have a question for you, Stephen.
Stephen: Ask away.
Genis: Why can you talk?
Stephen: Whatsername’s the narrator today. She gets a little...crazy.
Genis: Oh...
Presea: Can you at least be something that’s supposed to talk?
Stephen: Fine, but only when we’re not going anywhere. I like being a car.
Nikki: I’ll make you a pet! Like that one blue thing that appears when you battle Meredy, Garr, and Farah Oerstead, at the Meltokio Coliseum, only not useless!
Stephen: Just not anything fuzzy or cuddly or...
Nikki: This fanfic is mostly meant to be funny, so turn this yellow car into a bunny!
Stephen: (turns into a fuzzy, cuddly, white bunny with black spots) Aww, man! Now I’m a bunny!
Nikki: But you’re such a cute bunny!
Presea: You look like a small cow. A really cute small cow.
Genis: That’s true.
Nikki: (baby voice) Who’s the cutest bunny in the whole wide world? You are! You are! That’s right, my little snuggly wuggly---
Stephen: SHUT UP!!!! I’m turning back into a car now. (turns into the Ferrari again)
Presea: Fine, but you’ll need to turn back into the cutest bunny in the whole wide world when we aren’t going anywhere.
Stephen: Dammit.
Genis: Now how are we gonna get Raine back?
Presea: I know! We can go back in time and stop ourselves from throwing Raine in the dumpster!
Genis: That wouldn’t work, ‘cause then we wouldn’t have a reason to go back in time and stop ourselves from putting her in a dumpster, so then we wouldn’t actually have stopped ourselves, and we’d go back in time to stop ourselves, and---gah! It just wouldn’t work, trust me.
Presea: Okay, then let’s go back in time to go and get Raine.
Genis: Yeah! We can go back in time to see which trash truck drove off with Raine, then come back to the future to find the truck and then go to sign the contract at the EWW!
Presea: Or we could just get her from the dumpster in the past, and go from there to Cape Carnival.
Stephen: Dammit, now I have to be the bunny again! (turns in the cutest bunny in the whole wide world)
Nikki: Sounds good to me! (takes them all back in time to the dumpster, right after they dropped Raine off there) Now get her out quickly before you see yourselves!
Genis and Presea: (gets Raine out of dumpster, and holds her far away from them, since she smells like sewer water)
Nikki: ‘k then, let’s go back in time 38 minutes ago, to Cape Carnival!
Stephen: Aww, can’t we go back in time here, so I can drive to Cape Carnival? I swear, if I have to endure one more second as a bunny, I’ll--
Nikki: Of course you can drive us there, you cutie wutie tutie putie...what else rhymes with cutie?
Genis: Let’s see, there’s yutie, zutie, sutie, rutie, dutie, and...
Stephen: (snickers)
Genis: What?
Stephen: Doodie...(laughs hysterically)
Presea: You lame brain!
Nikki: (is laughing uncontrollably as well) But...it’s...so...funny...
Genis: Oh geez, just take us back in time!
Nikki: (takes them back in time to 38 minutes ago)
Stephen: Finally (turns back into a car)! Heh, doodie! (cracks up)
Genis and Presea (unsion): SHUT UP!!! IT WASN’T EVEN FUNNY!!!
Stephen: Damn, that unison thing can be used to double-team, too! That’s hardly fair!
Genis and Presea (unison): DEAL WITH IT!!!
Whatsername: So, 10 minutes later, with Stephen transformed into a Rheaird and still laughing about doodie, the 5 of them made their way to Cape Carnival and signed the contract, with Raine still unconscious.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kratos and Yuan
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Kratos: Be quiet! The Days of our Lives encore is starting!
Yuan: Oh, come on! Can’t I choose what we watch?
Kratos: No.
Yuan: I don’t care! I’m switching to Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo!
Kratos: Pardon?
Yuan: You know, the guy who fights with his nosehairs!
Kratos: Sorry, that doesn’t ring a bell.
Yuan: It’s funny! You should watch it!
Kratos: Okay, fine.
Yuan: Yes! (switches to Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo)
Mysterious Voice: What, so you’re both just gonna ignore me?
Kratos: You can watch TV with us!
Mysterious Voice: Alright, sounds fun! (sits down)
Yuan: So what’s your name?
Mysterious Voice: I’m Scipio.
Yuan: What kind of jacked up name is that?
Scipio: Impudence!
Yuan: Sure, whatever.
TV: (plays Japanese theme song)
Kratos: So let me get this straight, this show is about some guy with a yellow afro who fights with nosehairs?
Yuan: Yeah, and squirrels live in his hair.
Kratos: Excuse me?
Yuan: And ducks, and cabbages, and a rock band...
Kratos: Bah! I can’t understand any of what you’re saying! You must be speaking in some sort of code...
Yuan: No, there are really squirrels and ducks and cabbages and--
Scipio: Enough already! Can we watch something else?
Yuan: Oh, come on! Bobobo-Bobo-bobobobo....no wait, it’s Bo-Bobobo-Bobo Bo...
Scipio: Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo
Yuan: Yeah, that! It’s awesome!
Scipio: I’m changing the channel! (switches to the EWW)
Kratos: Hey, this is always good! It’s better than that fake WWE crap.
All: Definitely.
Sofaspud23: (on TV) This is your commentator, Sofaspud23, commentating with Whatsername! So what’re we going to see tonight on Stabkill!?
Whatsername: We’ve got a tag match with the defending champs, Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio, against Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker.
Sofaspud23: This could get interesting. But hey, why are we the commentators on a TV show? And why is Derek in the match?
Whatsername: I’m narrating, so I can give us all parts. That’s what the narrator does. This is my first time narrating, so I figure I should experiment with all my powers.
Sofaspud23: Okay, anyway...We’re coming to you from the coliseum in Meltokio, and the stands are packed! And remember, this episode is sponsored by zircon! Zircon is for people who have lost their humanity and are turning into a giant exsphere because of a stupid Cruxis Crystal. Side affects may include extreme clumsiness, apologizing over and over again, the inability to use any attack other than Holy Song when you’re a CPU, which hardly does anything and just increases your teammates’ stats so they die because you wouldn’t cooperate and attack the stupid enemy with a real attack, and just plain being a blonde. Ask your doctor if zircon is right for you.
Whatsername: Who cares about the sponsor? The match is about to start!
Derek the Demon Prince: (Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo’s theme song plays) Hey! This isn’t my music!
Whatsername: I’m narrating! I like that song! Deal with it!
Derek the Demon Prince: Fine, geez. But it’s in Japanese! I don’t even know what it’s saying!
Whatsername: So make something up!
Derek the Demon Prince: Okay, fine. (walks into the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the tag team champion, weighing in at 467 lbs, it’s DEREK THE DEMON PRINCE!
Derek the Demon Prince: What? I do NOT weigh that much!
Sofaspud23: I know, I’m just saying that to make you mad!
Derek the Demon Prince: Grrr...
Rey Mysterio: (theme song plays)
Sofaspud23: And the tag team partner, weighing in at 170 lbs, it’s the man behind the mask, REY MYSTERIO!
Rey Mysterio: (walks into the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing two people I don’t claim ownership of...it’s Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker!
Harry and Luke: (walk into the arena, and then the bell rings)
Whatsername: And that’s the start of the match! And now, just to warn our readers, prepare to see a bunch of parentheses!
Luke: (turns on his lightsaber and runs at Derek)
Derek: (blocks Luke’s attack and punches him in the face, then unsheathes his own sword)
Harry: Expelliarmus! (shoots the spell at Derek)
Derek: (gets hit by the spell and his sword flies through the air to Harry)
Harry: (tries to catch the sword but misses and gets stabbed by it)
Referee: Harry’s down! (teleports Harry to the medical station) That means only Luke is left)
Whatsername: Luke now has a choice between forfeiting the match, or continuing without his partner.
Luke: (signals the ref)
Sofaspud23: Looks like he thinks he can take on the defending champs by himself!
Whatsername: Egotistic idiot...
Harry: (is healed by the medics and takes his seat next to the ring)
Rey: (throws a shuriken at Luke)
Luke: (dodges and uses the force to pick up Derek’s sword)
Kratos: (eats a mouthful of popcorn)
Rey: (runs at Luke and multiplies himself into 50 different people)
Derek: (notices that Rey has it under control and pulls out his PSP)
Luke: (shoots force lightning out of his hand and spins around so it hits all of the Reys)
Kratos: (spits out his mouthful of popcorn because there was an uncooked kernel in it)
Rey: (is hit by the lightning so his clones disappear, but he throws three shuriken at Luke)
Derek: Yes! Level 68, baby!! Booyah! What? NOOOOO!!! I‘m out of batteries! And I didn‘t even get a chance to save! I hate this thing! (throws his PSP on the ground and stomps on it continuously)
Luke: (catches two of the shuriken and jumps over the third)
Shuriken: (turns into one of Rey’s clones and throws a kunai knife at Luke)
Luke: (is pinned to the ground by the knife)
Referee: 1!----2!----3! (bell rings)
Rey Mysterio: (theme song plays) That was almost too easy! Right, Derek? Derek?
Derek: (is crying over his PSP) It’s broken...(sob)...and I...(sob)....SPENT 400 FREAKIN’ BUCKS ON THIS DAMN THING AND IT BREAKS AFTER A WEEK!!!! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!
Sofaspud23: So there you have it! Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio are victorious yet again! On VIOLENCE, we’ve got the Symphonia cast! And if they win their match against JBL and Ric Flair, then Kratos and Yuan will be facing our very own Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio! See you next week!
Yuan: (Gags on an uncooked kernel and Scipio has to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him) Why are there so many uncooked kernels in this popcorn?
Scipio: Oh, you wanted it popped? You should’ve said something!
Kratos and Yuan (unison): (look into the bowl to see that none of the kernels are popped) Did you think we wanted just the kernels?
Scipio: I refuse to answer that.
Yuan: Oh well. But what the heck did they say at the end?
Kratos: No kidding! That’s crazy...
Yuan: No, seriously. What did they say? I couldn’t hear since I was gagging.
Kratos: Oh. They said that we were going to be on VIOLENCE!
Scipio: Of course! Does anyone ever read People magazine?
Kratos and Yuan (unison): No.
Scipio: Of course you don’t. You guys signed a contract with the EWW 4 days ago!
Kratos and Yuan (unison): We did? Cool, we’re talking at the same time...
Scipio: That’s starting to get annoying! Why does everyone talk in unison? WHY????
Yuan: ...?
Scipio: Right, well, I can take you back in time.
Yuan: Cool! But first tell us, what was your reason for coming here?
Scipio: Well, I heard that this place could be used as a vessel for traveling through space, and since I accidentally destroyed The Eternal Sword and I discovered that I can’t fly through space, I needed something to transport me through space to form pacts with all the Summon Spirits and kidnap the girl called Colette so I can revive Mithos the Hero and his sister Martel and turn everyone into lifeless beings and start the Age of Half-Elves!
Yuan: (bewildered stare)
Kratos: Riiiiiiiight. And I suppose you’re looking for this key? (holds up the keys to Derris-Kharlan) Sure you are. I know sarcasm when I see it, Scipio. I know you’re not evil. That was a good one. (hands Scipio the keys) You can take care of Derris-Kharlan while we’re gone! Thanks!
Yuan: Kratos, wait---
Scipio: (covers Yuan’s mouth with his hand) I guess it runs in the family. But no, I must thank you, Kratos. Thank you. Now here you go! (sends Yuan and Kratos back in time to Cape Carnival 4 days ago)
Kratos: That Scipio’s a nice guy.
Yuan: YOU IDIOT!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? NOW THE WORLD IS OVER!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT THE WORLD’S GOING TO BE DESTROYED!!
Kratos: You sound like the mayor of Iselia. Now let’s sign that contract.
Yuan: But...oh, nevermind.
Whatsername: And so, Kratos and Yuan signed the contract at the EWW. Now everybody had signed the contract, and they were all getting ready for their matches on VIOLENCE. Here’s tonight’s quote!

“The representative from California has the floor”

Sofaspud23: Remember, if you know the answer send it to me via review or comment or email to Sofaspud23 (a) AOL dot-com. Again, I’m sorry I can’t put my actual address into the fanfic. And here’s the hint for tonight’s quote! This is from a song, and just think about holidays to find the answer. Good luck!




The Shadow of the Past Chapter 6: Meet the Carnivorous Clowns
Disclaimer: I do not own Namco, Tales of Symphonia, Green Day, “Holiday”, the Sony PSP, The Robot, Big Show, Naruto, JBL, Ric Flair, South Park, “American Idiot”, Powerpuff Girls, Wendy’s, Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Fillet, Wendy’s Frosty, Sharpie, Super Smash Bros. Melee, Days of Our Lives, or The Ring.
Second Disclaimer: The comments and views expressed in this fanfic do not necessarily express the views of the people they’re portraying or Sofaspud23.
Third and Final Disclaimer: I have just now realized that in the guidelines it says “No stories written in script or play format are allowed” but I’ve seen plenty of other fanfics written in this format, and I don’t understand why it isn’t allowed. And besides, this is the kind of story that just wouldn’t seem right if it wasn’t written in script format. So I’m really sorry, but I’m going to keep on writing it like this. If you have any concerns about this, please let me know and I’ll try to write my fanfic in the proper format immediately. Thank you.
Part I: Intro
Sofaspud23: Welcome to another chapter of “The Shadow of the Past”, the fanfic that has absolutely nothing to do with its title!
Whatsername: And congratulations to Tim101, who correctly guessed the previous chapter’s quote! It was from the Green Day song, “Holiday”.
Sofaspud23: (after a long silence, in a whisper) Derek, it’s your line...
Derek the Demon Prince: What? Why do I always have to be the one to introduce new stuff?
Sofaspud23: Because you owe me!
Derek the Demon Prince: For what?
Sofaspud23: For putting you into the fanfic, of course!
Derek the Demon Prince: Okay, but...No! You made me cry over that PSP! I don’t cry!
Sofaspud23: Okay, whatever! Me and Whatsername will introduce the new stuff...but only this once.
Derek the Demon Prince: Good.
Whatsername: First off, there’s another new character in the intro cast! It’s none other than my brother, St. Jimmy! Tell ‘em about yourself, Jimmy!
St. Jimmy: It’s about time you guys introduced me! Geez, how long do your intros usually last?
Whatsername: (evil glare)
St. Jimmy: (shudders) Okay, just ignore that last comment! (inches away from Whatsername and starts singing) My name is Jimmy, and you’d better not wear it out! I’m the patron son of the denial, I’ve got an angel face and a taste for suicidal Ramen! My name is St. Jimmy, I’m a son of a gun, I’m the one that’s on the way outside now! A tainted assassin that thinks killing’s so fun, and the hearts of the ones in doubt. I really hate to say it but I told you so, so shut your mouth before I shoot you down, old boy. It’s comedy.......and tragedy.........it’s St. Jimmy.......and that’s my name! AND DON’T WEAR IT OUT!!!!!
Derek the Demon Prince: Why’d you suddenly go into a song?
Sofaspud23: And you told us your name 3 times.
Derek the Demon Prince: And how can Ramen be suicidal? Doesn’t that mean that it kills itself? How can Ramen kill itself? Is it alive? Whoa, that’s the last time I eat Ramen...
St. Jimmy: You’re all missing the point! That was just a part of the song, so of course it didn’t make sense!
Whatsername: And you call that an angel face? It looks more like the face of a demon.
Derek the Demon Prince: Hey! My mom was a demon!
St. Jimmy: Wasn’t your dad a demon, too?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, no...he was an angel. I’m half-breed.
St. Jimmy: How did that happen?
Sofaspud23: Well you see Jimmy, when an angel and a demon love each other very much, then---
St. Jimmy: That’s not what I meant and you know it!
Whatsername: How’d you become a demon prince if you’re only a half-breed?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, you see...(5 hours pass)...and since that day I’ve never been able to do The Robot the right way. I’m okay at everything else, though.
Whatsername: That still didn’t answer my question, although I never knew you were born with three arms. (gives Life Bottles to Sofaspud23 and St. Jimmy who have died of boredom)
Sofaspud23: (gets up) Wha...? What happened? Oh! (clears throat) After that somewhat disturbing monologue, it’s time to start the chapter! Thanks a bunch to everyone who reviewed! I think it was...(counts on fingers)...three people! Wait...(counts again)...no, it was definitely 3! So many thanks to Tim101, RoyalFanatic, and Scorch the Hedgehog! Wow, this is a long intro! So as not to prolong it any further, here’s Chapter 6: Meet the Carnivorous Clowns. And do you like how I abbreviated introduction with intro to save time? But next time, maybe I should try just using “int.” and abbreviating chapter with “ch.” because time is of the essence, or as we say in the biz, T.E.O...no wait, T. I.....what was I spelling again?
Part II: Lloyd VS Big Show
Sofaspud23: Welcome to this very special edition of VIOLENCE!
Whatsername: That’s right, tonight we have the heroes of Symphonia on the show! We’ve got Lloyd Irving vs. The Big Show in a #1 one contender match for the EWW title sheath, Raine Sage vs. Regal Bryant vs. Colette Brunel in a triple threat steel cage match, Genis Sage vs. Presea Combatir vs. Zelos Wilder vs. Sheena Fujibayashi in a Fatal Four Way Hardcore Match, and the main event is a #1 contender tag team match with Kratos Aurion and Yuan...uhh, what’s Yuan’s last name?
Sofaspud23: Beats me.
Whatsername: Then what am I...? Oh, who cares! Kratos Aurion and Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair. And as a special addition to the matches, all of them will have the same weapons and armor as they did when they were battling Mithos!
Sofaspud23: You know, I’ve always wondered, isn’t Lloyd’s name really Lloyd Aurion Irving?
Whatsername: Or is it Lloyd Irving Aurion?
Sofaspud23: And is Sheena’s name Sheena Fujibayashi Irving Aurion, Sheena Fujibayashi Aurion Irving, Sheena Aurion Fujibayashi Irving, or...
Whatsername: Does it really matter?
Sofaspud23: Well no, but--
Whatsername: Then I don’t care.
Sofaspud23: Here come the combatants!
Lloyd: (Lloyd’s theme song plays) Oh, come on! You could at least change it to rock or something! Now my music makes me look like a wimp! (changes to Naruto’s theme song) What kind of a theme song is this? All it does is yell “Rai! Chi-yoh Soh!”
Sofaspud23: Just pick one!
Lloyd: I guess I‘ll go with Naruto. (walks into the ring)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the challenger, The Peeping Tom from Iselia...
Lloyd: Are you still going on about that? How many times do I have to tell you? It was all a misunderstanding!
Whatsername: Then maybe you should try changing your title to something different.
Lloyd: I’m not sure I understand you.
Whatsername: You don’t understand anything.
Lloyd: True.
Sofaspud23: ...it’s LLOYD IRVING!!!!
Whatsername: And now it’s his opponent, the heaviest warrior in the world, weighing in at over 500 lbs, it’s THE BIG SHOW!!!!
Big Show: (theme song plays)
St. Jimmy: From Big Show’s side of the coliseum came a tiny Gnomelette, and a gasp echoed throughout the crowd.
Colette: Hey! The lights are talking, too! I like lights. And cake!
Zelos: Will you shut up about the cake?
Colette: What’s cake? Ooh, is it good? Is it spicy? I like spicy! And ice. Especially spicy ice! Hey! That rhymes! Spicy! Icy! Yay!
Zelos: Do you ever say anything normal?
Colette: Ooh, I’ve got a good joke!
Zelos: Fine, what is it?
Colette: Knock knock!
Zelos: Who’s there?
Colette: Who’s where?
Zelos: At the door!
Colette: Somebody’s at the door? I’d better go answer it! (walks off)
St. Jimmy: So as Colette was off answering the door Lloyd’s match vs. Big Show the 500 pound Gnomelette was just starting.
Lloyd: What the heck? You’re the Big Show? You aren’t very big!
Big Show: No, but I weigh more than 500 pounds! Hiyah! (jumps on top of Lloyd)
Lloyd: Ack! No! NOOOOO!!!
Referee: 1...
Lloyd: It tickles! It tickles! (starts laughing uncontrollably)
Referee: 2...
Big Show: What the...? Shouldn’t you be squashed like a pancake by now?
Lloyd: (throws the Big Show off of him, where he flies into the air and lands on his back on ground)
Whatsername: Hold on, it seems there was a mistake! Lloyd is actually facing the Little Show who actually weighs 500 grams, not pounds!
Little Show: What? Then I was deceived! You...disgusting little vermin!
Lloyd: You can’t say that to me!
Little Show: Why not?
Lloyd: Because Magnius already had it patented! You could get sued for that!
Magnius: (appears as a ghost) Muahahahahaha! Yes! I’ve just hired a lawyer! Now you’re 5 bucks in my debt! Bwahahahahaha! (disappears)
Little Show: NOOOO!! 5 bucks!!!! I don’t have that kind of dough!
Lloyd: I could lend you some money...
Little Show: Really? Please!
Lloyd: Just let me win and I’ll lend you 5 bucks!
Little Show: Are you crazy? Grr....GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!!! (picks up Lloyd and spins him around on his finger, then hurls Lloyd into the stands)
Lloyd: (lands on Kenny from South Park)
Stan: Oh my God! You killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Lloyd: What? I can’t understand you!
Stan: I said that you killed Kenny!
Lloyd: Dude, you have some major speech problems! I can’t understand a word you’re saying! You must have a weird show.
Stan: Tell me about it. We’re all just bad drawings with speech problems, and the plotlines suck. They’re even worse than this plotline! And it’s barely even here!
Lloyd: What? I can’t understand you!
Stan: GAAAAAAH!!!
Lloyd: Excuse me? I still can’t understand what you’re saying.
Little Show: Time to die, vermin!
Magnius: (appears as a ghost again) I get a quarter for every time you say vermin! (disappears)
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Lloyd: (flicks the Little Show with his index finger)
Little Show: (flies across the coliseum and out of it, landing in front of the door)
Colette: (opens the door) Is anyone there? Hello? (looks down) Oh, hello you cute wittle Gnomelette! I will call you George and I will hug you and wuv you and wuv you foweva!
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Colette: Now now, don’t cwy!
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Colette: GODDAMMIT, I SAID DON’T CRY!!!!!
Little Show: (awed silence)
Colette: That’s better, my wittle cutie wootie tootie pootie doodie...
Little Show: Haha! Doodie! (cracks up)
Colette: (starts to pinch Little Show’s cheek)
Little Show: Huh? Aaah! Hands off, blondie! (punches Colette)
Colette: Oww! Darn! I’m bored with it now! (throws Little Show back into the arena)
Lloyd: (accidentally steps on Little Show)
Referee: 1....2....3!!!!
Lloyd: Huh? Did I win? Oh, wow! Awesome! (Naruto’s theme song plays)
Sofaspud23: What an amazing match! And remember, you saw it first on VIOLENCE!!
Whatsername: I’m still a little bit confused about that match. So, what happened?
Sofaspud23: Let’s watch an instant replay of the final move! (shows a screen with Colette tossing Little Show into the arena) It was an interference, but the ref didn’t see it, so it didn’t count.
Whatsername: Ooookay. Hopefully the next match with be a little bit less confusing.
Derek the Demon Prince: With Sofaspud23 writing it? No way that’ll happen.
Whatsername: It seems that we’ve got a visitor here in the commentator’s box! It’s the tag team champion, Derek the Demon Prince! What would you like to say, Derek?
Derek the Demon Prince: What? No, I just came up here to get some punch from the other room and I thought I’d tell you guys.
Sofaspud23: Sweet! There’s punch?
Derek the Demon Prince: Yeah, in the room right across from here.
Whatsername: So, what’re we waiting for? Let’s go!
St. Jimmy: So as the three of them went off to get punch, rudely leaving me behind as the lights, the next match was starting with Lloyd and Sheena substituting for Whatsername and Sofaspud23 as commentators.
Part II: Raine vs. Colette vs. Regal in a Steel Cage Match
Lloyd: What? Is this thing on?
Sheena: You have to push the little red button.
Lloyd: What little red button?
Sheena: The one right in front of you on the microphone, you dolt!
Lloyd: What does red look like?
Sheena: That! (points at the button)
Lloyd: Oh, that? I pushed that one a long time ago.
Sheena: THEN IT’S ON!!!
Lloyd: Really? Oh, wow! You’re right! Hi, everybody! How’re you doing? (waves)
Sheena: That’s a one-sided mirror, idiot.
Lloyd: Then why is everyone looking up here?
Sheena: BECAUSE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE AMERICAN IDIOT!!!
Lloyd: Nice Green Day reference.
Sheena: You noticed?
Lloyd: Of course.
Random Guy in the Crowd: Are you two just gonna talk to each other the whole time or are you actually gonna introduce the match?
Lloyd: Oh, right! (clears throat) We now have a triple threat steel cage match in which the objective is to be the first person to escape from the cage. It’s Regal Bryant vs. Raine Sage vs. Colette Brunel. Now remember, everyone is going to have the very same weapons and armor they wore when they were facing Mithos.
Sheena: As you can see, the combatants are entering the arena.
Regal: (theme song plays) Alright, this is going to be a piece of cake! I can just pay them to let me escape! Let’s see...I think I can spare about 3 cents or so of my 60 billion Gald I make every week to bribe them...
Referee: Hold on! (runs up to Regal and puts shackles on him)
Regal: What’re you doing?
Referee: You have to wear the same weapons and armor as you did when you fought Mithos. You were wearing shackles when you fought Mithos, therefore you must wear them now.
Regal: Then how do I get out of the cage?
Referee: I dunno. That’s your problem, not mine.
Regal: Dammit! (enters the arena cursing)
Lloyd: Entering the arena, it’s the El Presidente from Altamira, REGAL BRYANT!!!
Raine: (fast theme song plays) Like, OMIGOSH!!!! This music is like so totally stupid! Change it something cool! (theme song changes to the Powerpuff Girls theme song) OMIGOSH!!!
Referee: SHUT UP AND GIT IN THE ARENA!!! (uses psychic powers to lift Raine into the arena)
Raine: Like, OMIGOSH!!! I’M FLYING!!! OMIGOSH!!! THIS IS---(falls into the arena)---OMIGOSH!!! I JUST FELL!!! LIKE OMIGOSH!!! OMIGOSH!!! OMIGOSH!!!!
Lloyd: Introducing the Annoying Preppy Half-Elf from Iselia, even though she was born in Heimdall and used to live pretty much nowhere...it’s RAINE SAGE!!!!
Colette: (fast theme song plays) Oh! I like this music! (sees the crowd and is determined to say “hi” to every single person in the stands) Hi hi! Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihihi! Hihihiihiihhiiiiiiihihiiihiiiiiiiiihihiiiiiiiiii! This is fun! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIIIIIIIIHIHIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIHIIHIIHIIHIIHIIIIHIIIIIHIIIIIIHIHIHIHI!!!
Referee: WHY ARE YOU ALL COMPLETE IDIOTS!?! JUST GIT YIR BUTT IN THE FREAKIN’ ARENA!!!!! (uses telepathy to make Colette hover into the arena)
Colette: (pulls out wings and flies back) Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Referee: What the wagawaga did you just call me?
Colette: I called you a wagawaga.
Referee: Why you wagawagawaga-ing wagawaga!
Lloyd: The wagawagawaga-ing censors are going wagawagawaga-ing crazy!
Sheena: Holy waga...
Colette: FINE! I’ll get in the wagawagawagawaga arena! You’re still a wagawaga!
Sheena: Wait, Colette isn’t even cussing! She’s just saying wagawagawaga...
Lloyd: But why would she say “wagawaga” for no reason?
Sheena: Think about it for a minute. It’s Colette...
Lloyd: Oh, good point. (bell rings and the match starts)
St. Jimmy: The three of them had all arrived in the arena, after the referee had thrown a stick into the arena and said, “Go fetch, Colette!”. As the cage was being lowered around the arena, Regal was trying to pay Colette and Raine to let him escape, or rather toss him out of the cage, but wasn’t having much luck, while Colette was chewing on the stick and trying to figure out why the lights were talking.
Regal: Hey Raine, I’ll give you 3 cents if you throw me out of the cage!
Raine: Awesome! Free cash! (takes the money)
Regal: Now lift me up!
Raine: Why?
Regal: I just bribed you, that’s how bribes work!
Raine: Ooh, is a bribe one of those fancy necklaces they wear in France?
Regal: Uh...no, it’s not.
Raine: Darn...
Colette: (sees the coins) SHINY!!! (chases Raine and Regal down until she steals all of their money) Shiny...my preciousss...preciouss...they wants it...they wants the preciousss....filthy humanseses and half-elveseses...I’m bored! (does The Robot)
Derek the Demon Prince: (had just entered the commentators booth) Hey! Stop mocking me!
Raine: OMIGOSH!!! YOU JUST, LIKE, STOLE MY MONEY!!! OMIGOSH, GIVE ME THAT!!!!
Regal: Why me? Why me? Why did they have to insist that we wear the same stuff we did against Mithos? WHY?
St. Jimmy: So it continued for five hours, and near the end everyone in the entire stadium had fallen asleep except for Colette, who had been woken up by the sound of the lights (which we currently shut off) talking. It was then that a mysterious figure climbed up to the edge of the cage and dropped a black wig on top of Colette’s head. The effect was immediate.
Colette: Hey, who...?
Mysterious Figure: (disappears)
Colette: Jackass...
Mysterious Figure: (reappears) What the waga did you just call me?
Colette: Nothing...
Mysterious Figure: Good. (disappears again)
Colette: What a wagawaga...hey, why don’t I just fly out of here? Why didn’t I think of that earlier? And why was I chewing on this stick? Eww... (shudders) Hey! I’ve got 6 billion Gald in my pocket! Wait, didn’t I steal that from Regal? I should give it back...but I won’t! Screw you two! I’m winning this match! I‘m starving! (flies out of the arena and stops at Wendy’s, because they’re always open late, and buys a Spicy Chicken Fillet, then buys a Large Frosty. Then she got brain-freeze, and bought some french-fries. After that, she returned to the arena and drew on everybody’s faces with a Sharpie. Then she played video games until daybreak. And she wasn’t even tired because she didn’t need sleep!) That was fun! Hey, the ref’s waking up! Finally! This was starting to get boring! (throws the game she was playing on top of the pile next to her, which reached up to the top of the cage with video games she had beaten that night)
Referee: Hey! Who are you?
Colette: I’m Colette! I just won the match!
Referee: No you aren’t, Colette’s a stupid blonde. You have black hair and aren’t stupid...well, I’m assuming you aren’t as stupid as Colette.
Colette: WHAT-DID-YOU-JUST-SAY?!?!?! (pulls out wings and throws all of the video games she beat at the referee)
Referee (muffled): Okay...you win...just get all this crap off of me...holy wagawaga, you’re strong...(bell rings)
Lloyd: (wakes up) Zzznwha? OH MY GOD!! COLETTE ACTUALLY WON THE MATCH!!!
Colette: (flies up to the commentators’ booth) What? So you didn’t think I could win? Huh?
Lloyd: Umm...why can you see me? It’s a one-sided mirror...(closes eyes and huddles in a corner)...you can’t see me...you can’t see me...you can’t see me...you can’t---
Colette: ---I’ve got angel senses, nimrod. Now could you please SHUT THE HELL UP? Pretty please?
Lloyd: Uhm...okay...
Colette: Good.
Part III: Genis vs. Presea vs. Zelos vs. Sheena
St. Jimmy: The real commentators had returned, licking their lips for remains of punch which they conveniently forgot to give to me.
Whatsername: And we’re back after that bizarro weirdo match! The bell is just about to ring to signal to start of the Fatal Four-Way Hardcore Match. In this match, you can win only by pin, death, or KO. If you kill someone, then you win. If you pin someone, whether with a weapon or your body, you win. There are conventional weapons such as guns and bombs scattered throughout the arena, and it is legal to use any of these at any given time.
Sofaspud23: So to no further ado, let’s begin the match!
Sheena: (Sheena’s music plays)
Sofaspud23: Introducing, the WOW! from Mizuho, it’s SHEENA FUJIBAYASHI AURION IRVING!!!!
Whatsername: I thought we decided it was Sheena Aurion Fujibayashi Irving...
Sofaspud23: Oh, you’re right. It’s SHEENA AURION FUJIBAYASHI...
Whatsername: Just forget it.
Zelos: (slow theme song plays as he walks into the arena slowly, and it speeds up to his fast music as he walks to the arena)
Sofaspud23: It’s the Loudmouth from Meltokio, the Gleaming Knight, the Princess Guard! It’s ZELOOOOOOS WILDER!!!!
Zelos: Thank you my fans! Thank you! (enters the arena)
Genis: (theme song plays) Great. I have to have the stupid song with the piccolo. Can somebody change this to something good? (song changes to All Star by Smash Mouth) That’s better! But wait, aren’t we only using Green Day songs in this chapter?
Sofaspud23: Ah, one song won’t kill us.
Genis: I guess not. (enters the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the Study Harder! from Iselia, but originally from Heimdall and then was sent to the Otherworldy Gate and went to Iselia but was banished and now doesn’t really have a home...poor kid...it’s GENIS SAGE!!!
Presea: (Boulevard of Broken Dreams plays as Presea walks in complete darkness to the arena, as flames engulf the pathway to the arena. Then suddenly the lights turn bright pink and the Super Mario music plays while Presea jumps into the arena and does the Robot)
Derek the Demon Prince: Dammit! Why is the world mocking me? WHY?
Sofaspud23: Beats me. But the world likes mocking me, too. I’ve never been able to make paper out of a tree, and yet I seem to find paper everywhere I go. It saddens me.
Genis: Hey! How come everybody else’s entrances weren’t planned? Well, I guess Zelos’s and Colette’s were...
Presea: Oh, you didn’t know? Half of the backstage was a Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio. It’s honestly really hard to miss.
Genis: I didn’t see it...
Sheena: Neither did I...
Zelos: I did!
Sheena: Okay, now that we’ve cleared up who saw the Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio, let’s find out who’s gonna win and lose the match. We don’t wanna hurt each other...much...(glares at Zelos)...so have to be really scientific when we’re doing this. So let’s...play Rock Paper Scissors!
St. Jimmy: So they played Rock Paper Scissors, and it took a while since there were four of them. But in the end, Sheena won and Zelos lost. So Sheena had to pin Zelos while Genis and Presea stood and watched.
Sheena: (gets in the pin position over Zelos) You’d better not enjoy this, you pervert!
Zelos: Finally! My dreams have come true! Sheena’s---OWW!!!
Sheena: (slaps Zelos as hard as she can, and then slaps him sixteen more times, then stomps on his motionless body)
Referee: Stop it! You win! He’s almost dead! (checks for a heartbeat) Nope, he’s gone. MEDIC!!!
Medic: (comes and heals Zelos)
Zelos: What? What happened? Where did Sheena go? Darn, and I would’ve gotten away with it, too. If it weren’t for you meddling kids and that hot, voluptuous---AAH!!!
Sheena: Keep talking Zelos, see what happens...(has a card at Zelos’ throat)
Zelos: What do you mean? I was...uh...talking about that hot...uhm...squirrel!
Sheena: Squirrel?
Zelos: Well, yeah...uh...I meant...Corinne! Yeah! That hot talking squirrel chick.
Sheena: CORINNE WAS A GUY!!!!
Zelos: She was? Oh....well, that....wasn’t really what I meant!
Genis: Then which talking squirrel did you mean? It can’t be a very big category.
Zelos: Then...dammit, you guys set me up!
Sheena: You’re the one who likes gay squirrels!
Zelos: Did I say squirrel? I meant...you! Yeah! You’re hot! Oh, crap...
Sheena: YOU JUST CROSSED THE LINE!!!!
Zelos: (dies and has to be healed by the medic again) What happened? All I remember is a--
Presea: Zelos, maybe you should just keep your mouth shut.
Zelos: But what happened? Did you cheat on your husband with me? Eh, baby?
Presea: IT’S A MOOD RING!!! And you know what? SHEENA! ZELOS IS STARING AT A PICTURE OF YOU IN A BIKINI AND DROOLING!!!!!!!
Sheena: YOU’RE DEAD, ZELOS!!!!!!
Zelos: But I’m not---
Presea: Sheena doesn’t know that. (evil grin) Tell her to slap you once for me! (sticks tongue out at Zelos and walks away, accidentally stepping on his foot)
Zelos: Oww! My gorgeous foot...
Part IV: Kratos and Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair vs. Everybody’s Worst Fear
Whatsername: All right! It’s time for the main event here on VIOLENCE!
Sofaspud23: That’s right! Here’s Kratos Aurion and Yuan...uh...Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair! And don’t forget about tonight’s sponsor, “Tales of Symphonia 2: Darkness Unleashed” on fanfiction.net! See what happens when Sheena is kidnapped by a mysterious warrior and taken to another world! Will Lloyd try and save her or just hang out and eat donuts? And if he eats donuts, what flavor will they be? Action/Adventure/Romance. Based on a true story. Rated T for teen: Some material may not be suitable for children.
Contestants: (Suddenly appear in the arena)
Kratos: Hey! What about our entrances? I missed Days of Our Lives because I was too busy with that Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio!
Whatsername: Sorry, but we’re running low on time so we had to skip the entrances.
Yuan: But everyone else got theirs!
Sofaspud23: Sorry, but that’s how it’s gotta be.
Kratos: Yuan, give---
JBL: I am a wrestling GOD. Hahaha!
Kratos: Great. Now Yuan, could you---
JBL: --hahahaha! Haha!
Kratos: Yu--
JBL: --hahahahahahaha!
Kratos: Could--
JBL: Haaaa! (long silence)
Kratos: Are you done?
JBL: Nearly. Hahahahahaha!!! Now I think I’m good.
Kratos: Okay then, Yuan--
JBL: I AM A WRESTLING GOD!!!
Yuan: SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET THE MAN SPEAK!!!!
JBL: But I’m a wrestling god...
Yuan: I SAID SHUT UP!!! You’re too fat to wrestle, Tubby. And Ric, what the heck? You’re an old fart on steroids and you’re still wrestling? Come on! YOU SUCK!!!
Kratos: Yuan, hand me a blindfold.
Yuan: Why?
Kratos: You’ll see.
Yuan: Sure, whatever. (hands Kratos a blindfold)
Referee: BEGIN!!! (bell rings)
Ric: (takes off robe to reveal tights)
Yuan: OH MY WAGAWAGAWAGAWAGAWAGA GOD!!!
JBL: Hey! I’m a wrestling god! (takes off jacket to reveal tights as well)
Yuan: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I’M BLIND!!!!!
Kratos: (is blindfolded) See? I told you a blindfold was a good idea! Sacred powers, cast your purifying light upon these corrupt souls. Rest in peace, sinners! JUDGMENT!!!! (attack hits Ric and JBL, causing them to die instantly)
Referee: They’re dead and Yuan’s blind! Kratos and Yuan win!
Kratos: (End of a Thought plays)
Yuan: (opens eyes) What? Where are you? Kratos! Kratos! Kratos, I can’t see! I’m really blind!
Kratos: Dammit, now I’m gonna have to get a new partner.
Mysterious Voice: Hold on!
Yuan: Scipio, what do you want now? I’m tired of you showing up as a mysterious voice all the time! WILL IT NEVER END???
Mysterious Voice: I don’t know what you’re talking about, maybe Ric and JBL’s ugliness has affected more than just your eyes. (teleports into the ring and the audience gasps, while Kratos backs away in fear and Lloyd’s scream of terror is heard from backstage)
Lloyd: AAAAAAHHH!! IT’S A CLOWN!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Kratos: What do you want? Leave me alone! Take Yuan instead!
Carnivorous Clown: I am one of the 25 elite Carnivorous Clowns.
Kratos: Holy crap! There are 25 of you creeps!
Carnivorous Clown: No. There 25 elite Carnivorous Clowns. There are millions of recruits.
Kratos: (starts crying)
Carnivorous Clown: And we want you to know that the 26 elite clowns are working for my main man Scipio. And if you’re trying to form picks with the Spiffy Summies, too. Then you’re our enemies. That’s just the way it is. So I’m here to give you a piece of advice, and you’d best take it to your heart, since this is coming from the big bad Scipio himself: Don’t even try it. And remember: I’m watching you, Aurion. ALWAYS WATCHING. (teleports away)
Kratos: (runs backstage, leaving Yuan stranded and blind in the arena)
Part V: What Happens After the Show
Rey: Yo, Derek!
Derek the Demon Prince: What is it?
Rey: You see that Sheena chick?
Derek the Demon Prince: She’s married. Didn’t you see the ring?
Rey: Yeah, I saw The Ring. It was a pretty good movie, but are you comparing her to Sumara or something? ‘Cause I’m not seeing the resemblance.
Derek the Demon Prince: No, I mean the ring that’s on her finger. I noticed it since I’m friends with the guy who writes down what everyone says.
Rey: For real? I thought that was a mood ring. But that’s not what I meant, anyway. You know that long lost sister of mine?
Derek the Demon Prince: The one your dad threw out of a plane when he was drunk?
Rey: Hey, ix-nay on the ad-day! I don’t want my fans knowing ‘bout that.
Derek the Demon Prince: Fine, but is that the one you meant?
Rey: Yeah, that’s the one. Do I have any other long lost sisters or something?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, your mom did sleep around...
Rey: What the wagawaga did you just say? You betta shut your wagawaga-ing mouth and listen! I think she might be her. We searched all around that Gaoracchia Forest but we never found her. And when she was born and the doctor spanked her, she slapped him across the face. She was really pissed, man. I was three and I almost wet my pants. It was scary!
Derek the Demon Prince: That sounds like Sheena alright.
Rey: So what do you think?
Derek the Demon Prince: My opinion may not matter much since I really know the answer to your question but I can’t tell you if I’m lying or not so I just have to do what Sofaspud23 told me to.
Rey: Uh, what?
Derek the Demon Prince: Nevermind. Anyway, I think you oughtta get a DNA test.
Rey: Good idea. But how’ll I get her to agree to a test? I’ve been scared of her ever since she was born!
Derek the Demon Prince: I’ve got friends in high places. I can make it work.
Rey: Thanks, man. You’re a true friend. But remember: Ix-nay on the ad-day. Okay?
Derek the Demon Prince: Anytime, man.
Part VI: Quote
Today’s quote is in remembrance of a man who died of heart failure earlier this year. We will always remember him and give him a special place in our hearts. Here it is:

“Viva la raza! I lie, I cheat, I steal!”

I never really knew him or was ever a huge fan of his, or really even watched his show all that much, but I could tell he was a good man. Good luck.
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Tuesday, December 6, 2005

   I'm back and better than ever!
I'm baaaaaaaaaack! And guess what? I've got a new fanfic! But alas, I've gone from the uncanny topic of "Action/Adventure" to...a humor fic! This is also on display at fanfiction.net! So here's chapter 1 of "The Shadow of the Past", the fanfic that has absolutely nothing to do with its title!

This story was written by Sofaspud23
SPOILERS (Well, sort of, but you won’t understand half as much of this half as much as you should like if you’re only half past half of the final dungeon)
First off, since a lot of other authors think it’s necessary, I do not own any of the characters, companies, levels, music, or anything else in this fanfic unless otherwise noted at the end of each chapter. In which case, you‘ll need to contact me if you want to use them in your fanfic. (I fail to see the point of this, because I don’t really care if someone else puts my stuff in their fanfics but hey, whatever!) Yay!!! I’m the narrator!
Chapter 1: Of the Prologue, Zelos’ Birthday, and Gnome’s Uncanny Ability to Annoy Anyone on the Planet. The G.U.A.T.A.A.O.T.P. for short.
Sofaspud23: Once Mithos has been defeated, and the two worlds have been reunited, Lloyd and Sheena go on a journey to collect and destroy all of the exspheres. Then, they took a really long nap. I mean a really long nap. We’re talking sleeping beauty sized naps! So after a week of slumber, they got married. It was more complicated than that, but I won’t bore you with the details. So they get married, Colette tries to murder Sheena but misses and falls out of Derris-Kharlan. Presea catches the bouquet, and Sheena shoves Zelos off of the comet. And thus, Colette and Zelos started a club that plotted ways to murder Lloyd and Sheena. I’ll just let the rest explain itself.
Sheena: So remind me again why we’re going to Zelos’ mansion?
Lloyd: It’s his birthday, remember?
Sheena: Oh, right. Didn’t I shove him off of Derris-Kharlan?
Lloyd: Colette saved him.
Sheena: But didn’t she fall off after she tried to murder me?
Lloyd: No, she flew back up.
Sheena: Dammit.
Sofaspud23: They arrive at Zelos’ mansion and see everyone there, plus about a thousand people they didn’t know.
Sheena: Did this place get bigger or something?
Lloyd: Looks like it.
Zelos: Ah, the voluptuous--
Lloyd: *Points sword at Zelos’ neck* One more word, Zelos...
Zelos: Oh. Right. I forgot you two were married.
Lloyd: You’re pushing it, Zelos! You’re really pushing it!
Zelos: Hey, don’t get mad, Lloyd! If I’m dead, you won’t be able to taste the 5,000 different cakes I had brought over here. A different chef made each one.
Lloyd: Not bad, Zelos. Just don’t flirt with Sheena. If you do, then you’re dead. And I mean that literally.
Zelos: Sure you do.
Lloyd: *takes a bite out of the nearest cake* Blech! This one’s spicy! This is the worst cake I’ve ever tasted! Who made this thing?
Raine: *Was standing behind Lloyd the whole time* I did. You were saying? *Raises her hand, ready to strike*
Lloyd: I, uh, was saying that it was the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life! It’s-*gag*-so-*cough*-unique and...
Raine: *slaps Lloyd and knocks him out*
Sheena: Oh, no you didn’t! I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Whaddaya want?
Sheena: Raine has something she wants to tell you.
Gnome: Woohoo! What is it, Raine? Ooh, ooh! Let me guess! Uhm...fire truck! No, that’s not it...race car! Cheese grater! Cinnamon! Angel Fruit Cake! Apple Butter! 971,034,467! Toilet Seat! Rockefeller Center!
Sheena: Now Gnome will annoy you to death! There is no escape! That’s what you get for hurting Lloyd! And by the way, what the heck is a Rockefeller Center?
Gnome: I dunno. If there was a place in the middle of a city called New York City in a state called New York in a country called the United States on a continent called North America on a planet called Earth, then I’d name it that.
Sheena: Tch, like that exists anywhere. That reminds me, the other day someone asked me if it was nice in Tokyo. What’s Tokyo, anyway?
Gnome: Hmm...if there was city in a country called Japan, on continent called Asia, on a---
Raine: Okay, I’ll heal him! Just please get Gnome to shut up! First Aid!
Lloyd: *wakes up* Wha? All I remember is tasting the worst cake ever, and then everything went black.
Raine: *Arm twitches*
Genis: Hey, Raine! I was wondering if---
Raine: *Smacks Genis, who was luckily carrying a Resurrection Ring with him at the time and came back to life.*
Genis: Oww, what was that for?
Raine: Lloyd.
Genis: I guess I’m better off not knowing.
Colette: *Walks up to Zelos* Do you think they know we poisoned their cake?
Zelos: If you say it that loud, then yes!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Tries to grab a piece but is restrained by Zelos*
Zelos: It’s poisoned, remember?
Colette: Oh yeah, that’s right. Hey look, cake!
Zelos: *sigh* What did I do to deserve this? And hey, if I kill Lloyd and you kill Sheena, then they’ll both be dead and we won’t be able force them to marry us. So what’ll happen then?
Colette: I don’t know. Hey look, there’s cake!
Zelos: Why do I bother asking you?
Regal: Hello. May I ask what you two are talking about?
Zelos: Nothing.
Colette: We were just wondering if anyone had figured out that we’d poisoned the cake!
Regal: *bewildered stare*
Colette: *takes a bite out of the cake and collapses*
Regal: So the cake’s...
Zelos: NOT poisoned! She’s practicing for a musical called, “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” She plays the first person to eat the cake, so she has to practice fainting. Excuse us. Healing Wind!
Regal: *Walks away, confused*
Zelos: What were you thinking? You almost told Regal we poisoned the cake!
Colette: Ooh, there’s cake?
Zelos: Never mind...
Sofaspud23: Then, an hour later, with everyone still alive and kicking because they had avoided the cake once Raine mysteriously sprinkled something on one of them, the group gave Zelos their presents. They are as follows:
Lloyd-A treasure map (It actually led to the lair of a violent demonic banshee, but Zelos didn‘t now that).
Sheena-A pet dragon that was, unbeknownst to Zelos, trained to destroy anything obnoxious.
Colette-Some cake from the other room.
Genis-Cookies with nuts he knew Zelos was allergic to that just happened to fall into the dough.
Raine-A book called: “Pickup Lines for Dummies”.
Presea-A carving of a bear with fish in its mouth. (The fish looked strangely like Zelos)
Regal-The most annoying one-man-band in the world. (He follows you around and plays music depending on your mood. He was currently singing “99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall” and kept losing count of how many beers were actually left on the wall and starting over)
Zelos-A new summer home (You have to treat yourself too, right?).
Sofaspud23-A girlfriend.
Zelos: Wahoo! I get a girlfriend!
Sofaspud23: Not until later in the story. Dammit! I just gave away a hint about what‘s going to happen...see what you made me do? Now I won’t give you a girlfriend!
Zelos: Please! I beg you!
Sofaspud23: Okay, why not? But one wrong move and...
Zelos: Thank you so much! Could you make her a brunette? I have a thing for brunettes. I bet you didn’t know that!
Sofaspud23: Of course I knew that, I just wrote it!
Zelos: Riiiight.
Sofaspud23: Just go back into the story.
Zelos: Hehehehehehe. Roger!
Sofaspud23: And don’t laugh like that.
Zelos: Whatever you say, bud! *Goes into story*
Sofaspud23: Idiot. At any rate, let’s go on with the story. Sheena and Lloyd have wandered off to the side of the cake wheel that Raine wasn’t standing near.
Sheena: Hey, this one looks good!
Lloyd: What kind is it?
Sheena: It’s tomato, Lloyd! Your favorite!
Lloyd: Eww! No!
Sheena: That was sarcasm, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Oh. Uh, yeah! I was...being sarcastic, too!
Sheena: *Sigh* Of course you were.
Lloyd: ???
Sheena: Sarcasm.
Lloyd: Right!
Sheena: I think I’ll try some of this chocolate cake over here.
Colette: *hiding under the table* Yes! Soon you will die and Lloyd will be mine! Muahahahahaha!!!
Sheena: Did you hear something.
Lloyd: Nope.
Sheena: Oh well. *Starts to take a bite, but half of the building is destroyed before she can, and she is so startled she drops the cake* What the heck was that?!?!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Eats it and falls over unconscious*
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: And that’s where the chapter ends! But before we leave, let’s take a look at what everybody is thinking!
Lloyd-This guy’s as good as dead!
Sheena-I hope it eats Zelos.
Colette-Why is peanut butter called “butter”? I can’t believe it’s not butter! Hey look, cake!
Genis-Maybe it’ll eat Raine’s cake and die...
Raine-What a wondrous sample! I must examine it!
Presea-That sort of looks like Colette from this angle... (grimaces)
Regal-Even without my shackles, I shall make you pay!
Zelos-Eat Lloyd! Eat Lloyd!
Kratos-Oh no! This is terrible! My tea has too much sugar in it! I live a hard life on Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: Have our heroes met their match? Will Colette ever become smart? And perhaps the most important question of all, will Kratos be able to make another glass of tea and sweeten it to perfection before his crumpets get cold? Find out in the next exciting chapter of "The Shadow of the Past"


Comments (1) | Permalink

I'm back and better than ever!
I'm baaaaaaaaaack! And guess what? I've got a new fanfic! But alas, I've gone from the uncanny topic of "Action/Adventure" to...a humor fic! This is also on display at fanfiction.net! So here's chapter 1 of "The Shadow of the Past", the fanfic that has absolutely nothing to do with its title!

This story was written by Sofaspud23
SPOILERS (Well, sort of, but you won’t understand half as much of this half as much as you should like if you’re only half past half of the final dungeon)
First off, since a lot of other authors think it’s necessary, I do not own any of the characters, companies, levels, music, or anything else in this fanfic unless otherwise noted at the end of each chapter. In which case, you‘ll need to contact me if you want to use them in your fanfic. (I fail to see the point of this, because I don’t really care if someone else puts my stuff in their fanfics but hey, whatever!) Yay!!! I’m the narrator!
Chapter 1: Of the Prologue, Zelos’ Birthday, and Gnome’s Uncanny Ability to Annoy Anyone on the Planet. The G.U.A.T.A.A.O.T.P. for short.
Sofaspud23: Once Mithos has been defeated, and the two worlds have been reunited, Lloyd and Sheena go on a journey to collect and destroy all of the exspheres. Then, they took a really long nap. I mean a really long nap. We’re talking sleeping beauty sized naps! So after a week of slumber, they got married. It was more complicated than that, but I won’t bore you with the details. So they get married, Colette tries to murder Sheena but misses and falls out of Derris-Kharlan. Presea catches the bouquet, and Sheena shoves Zelos off of the comet. And thus, Colette and Zelos started a club that plotted ways to murder Lloyd and Sheena. I’ll just let the rest explain itself.
Sheena: So remind me again why we’re going to Zelos’ mansion?
Lloyd: It’s his birthday, remember?
Sheena: Oh, right. Didn’t I shove him off of Derris-Kharlan?
Lloyd: Colette saved him.
Sheena: But didn’t she fall off after she tried to murder me?
Lloyd: No, she flew back up.
Sheena: Dammit.
Sofaspud23: They arrive at Zelos’ mansion and see everyone there, plus about a thousand people they didn’t know.
Sheena: Did this place get bigger or something?
Lloyd: Looks like it.
Zelos: Ah, the voluptuous--
Lloyd: *Points sword at Zelos’ neck* One more word, Zelos...
Zelos: Oh. Right. I forgot you two were married.
Lloyd: You’re pushing it, Zelos! You’re really pushing it!
Zelos: Hey, don’t get mad, Lloyd! If I’m dead, you won’t be able to taste the 5,000 different cakes I had brought over here. A different chef made each one.
Lloyd: Not bad, Zelos. Just don’t flirt with Sheena. If you do, then you’re dead. And I mean that literally.
Zelos: Sure you do.
Lloyd: *takes a bite out of the nearest cake* Blech! This one’s spicy! This is the worst cake I’ve ever tasted! Who made this thing?
Raine: *Was standing behind Lloyd the whole time* I did. You were saying? *Raises her hand, ready to strike*
Lloyd: I, uh, was saying that it was the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life! It’s-*gag*-so-*cough*-unique and...
Raine: *slaps Lloyd and knocks him out*
Sheena: Oh, no you didn’t! I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Whaddaya want?
Sheena: Raine has something she wants to tell you.
Gnome: Woohoo! What is it, Raine? Ooh, ooh! Let me guess! Uhm...fire truck! No, that’s not it...race car! Cheese grater! Cinnamon! Angel Fruit Cake! Apple Butter! 971,034,467! Toilet Seat! Rockefeller Center!
Sheena: Now Gnome will annoy you to death! There is no escape! That’s what you get for hurting Lloyd! And by the way, what the heck is a Rockefeller Center?
Gnome: I dunno. If there was a place in the middle of a city called New York City in a state called New York in a country called the United States on a continent called North America on a planet called Earth, then I’d name it that.
Sheena: Tch, like that exists anywhere. That reminds me, the other day someone asked me if it was nice in Tokyo. What’s Tokyo, anyway?
Gnome: Hmm...if there was city in a country called Japan, on continent called Asia, on a---
Raine: Okay, I’ll heal him! Just please get Gnome to shut up! First Aid!
Lloyd: *wakes up* Wha? All I remember is tasting the worst cake ever, and then everything went black.
Raine: *Arm twitches*
Genis: Hey, Raine! I was wondering if---
Raine: *Smacks Genis, who was luckily carrying a Resurrection Ring with him at the time and came back to life.*
Genis: Oww, what was that for?
Raine: Lloyd.
Genis: I guess I’m better off not knowing.
Colette: *Walks up to Zelos* Do you think they know we poisoned their cake?
Zelos: If you say it that loud, then yes!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Tries to grab a piece but is restrained by Zelos*
Zelos: It’s poisoned, remember?
Colette: Oh yeah, that’s right. Hey look, cake!
Zelos: *sigh* What did I do to deserve this? And hey, if I kill Lloyd and you kill Sheena, then they’ll both be dead and we won’t be able force them to marry us. So what’ll happen then?
Colette: I don’t know. Hey look, there’s cake!
Zelos: Why do I bother asking you?
Regal: Hello. May I ask what you two are talking about?
Zelos: Nothing.
Colette: We were just wondering if anyone had figured out that we’d poisoned the cake!
Regal: *bewildered stare*
Colette: *takes a bite out of the cake and collapses*
Regal: So the cake’s...
Zelos: NOT poisoned! She’s practicing for a musical called, “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” She plays the first person to eat the cake, so she has to practice fainting. Excuse us. Healing Wind!
Regal: *Walks away, confused*
Zelos: What were you thinking? You almost told Regal we poisoned the cake!
Colette: Ooh, there’s cake?
Zelos: Never mind...
Sofaspud23: Then, an hour later, with everyone still alive and kicking because they had avoided the cake once Raine mysteriously sprinkled something on one of them, the group gave Zelos their presents. They are as follows:
Lloyd-A treasure map (It actually led to the lair of a violent demonic banshee, but Zelos didn‘t now that).
Sheena-A pet dragon that was, unbeknownst to Zelos, trained to destroy anything obnoxious.
Colette-Some cake from the other room.
Genis-Cookies with nuts he knew Zelos was allergic to that just happened to fall into the dough.
Raine-A book called: “Pickup Lines for Dummies”.
Presea-A carving of a bear with fish in its mouth. (The fish looked strangely like Zelos)
Regal-The most annoying one-man-band in the world. (He follows you around and plays music depending on your mood. He was currently singing “99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall” and kept losing count of how many beers were actually left on the wall and starting over)
Zelos-A new summer home (You have to treat yourself too, right?).
Sofaspud23-A girlfriend.
Zelos: Wahoo! I get a girlfriend!
Sofaspud23: Not until later in the story. Dammit! I just gave away a hint about what‘s going to happen...see what you made me do? Now I won’t give you a girlfriend!
Zelos: Please! I beg you!
Sofaspud23: Okay, why not? But one wrong move and...
Zelos: Thank you so much! Could you make her a brunette? I have a thing for brunettes. I bet you didn’t know that!
Sofaspud23: Of course I knew that, I just wrote it!
Zelos: Riiiight.
Sofaspud23: Just go back into the story.
Zelos: Hehehehehehe. Roger!
Sofaspud23: And don’t laugh like that.
Zelos: Whatever you say, bud! *Goes into story*
Sofaspud23: Idiot. At any rate, let’s go on with the story. Sheena and Lloyd have wandered off to the side of the cake wheel that Raine wasn’t standing near.
Sheena: Hey, this one looks good!
Lloyd: What kind is it?
Sheena: It’s tomato, Lloyd! Your favorite!
Lloyd: Eww! No!
Sheena: That was sarcasm, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Oh. Uh, yeah! I was...being sarcastic, too!
Sheena: *Sigh* Of course you were.
Lloyd: ???
Sheena: Sarcasm.
Lloyd: Right!
Sheena: I think I’ll try some of this chocolate cake over here.
Colette: *hiding under the table* Yes! Soon you will die and Lloyd will be mine! Muahahahahaha!!!
Sheena: Did you hear something.
Lloyd: Nope.
Sheena: Oh well. *Starts to take a bite, but half of the building is destroyed before she can, and she is so startled she drops the cake* What the heck was that?!?!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Eats it and falls over unconscious*
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: And that’s where the chapter ends! But before we leave, let’s take a look at what everybody is thinking!
Lloyd-This guy’s as good as dead!
Sheena-I hope it eats Zelos.
Colette-Why is peanut butter called “butter”? I can’t believe it’s not butter! Hey look, cake!
Genis-Maybe it’ll eat Raine’s cake and die...
Raine-What a wondrous sample! I must examine it!
Presea-That sort of looks like Colette from this angle... (grimaces)
Regal-Even without my shackles, I shall make you pay!
Zelos-Eat Lloyd! Eat Lloyd!
Kratos-Oh no! This is terrible! My tea has too much sugar in it! I live a hard life on Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: Have our heroes met their match? Will Colette ever become smart? And perhaps the most important question of all, will Kratos be able to make another glass of tea and sweeten it to perfection before his crumpets get cold? Find out in the next exciting chapter of "The Shadow of the Past"


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Thursday, June 2, 2005

   Tales of Irmphitria --- Lloyd's Wedding Coming Soon!
You're always looking forward to the summer during school, but once the summer gets there, you hate it 'cause it's way too boring! It happens every year! All I do now is sleep, eat and play video games...and I'm not sure if I spelled Rheaird right, so correct me if I'm wrong.

*THIS FANFIC CONTAINS TALES OF SYMPHONIA SPOILERS.*

Use the Find function on your computer to get to the chapter you want. Press Ctrl + F, and then type in the code in the box and click, “Find”. (e.g. xxpch7xx is the code for the 7th chapter in the prologue) Typing in the code for the Table of Contents will take you back to the top. You may need to click “Find” again if it doesn’t take you to the chapter right away.



Table of Contents (xxtocxx)
Introduction (xxintxx)
Prologue (xxproxx)
Chapter 1 (xxpch1xx)
Chapter 2 (xxpch2xx)
Chapter 3 (xxpch3xx)
Chapter 4 (xxpch4xx)
Chapter 5 (xxpch5xx)
Chapter 6 (xxpch6xx)
Chapter 7 (xxpch7xx)
Chapter 8 (xxpch8xx)
Chapter 9 (xxpch9xx)
Chapter 10 (xxpch0xx)
Part I (xxprt1xx)
Chapter 1 (xx1ch1xx)
Chapter 2 (xx1ch2xx)
Chapter 3 (xx1ch3xx)
Chapter 4 (xx1ch4xx)

Introduction (xxintxx)
In Tales of Symphonia, a software title for the Nintendo Gamecube, the hero, Lloyd Irving re-fuses two worlds that have been torn apart by a so-called “angel” named Mithos and his band of other “angels” called Cruxis. Lloyd did this with the help of his 9 companions: Colette Brunel, Genis Sage, Raine Sage, Sheena Fujibayashi, Zelos Wilder, Presea Combatir, Regal Bryant, his pet arshis Noishe, and his father Kratos Aurion. Together, they defeated Cruxis and harmony was restored once more. A giant tree that emanated mana (energy) was planted so that enough mana was available to all life on the new world, Irmphitria.
NOTE: If you went through the “Kratos Storyline” in the game, then this is not a direct sequel to your game.
PROLOGUE (xxproxx)
These chapters are much shorter than the ones in the actual story, and never switch points-of-view until the next chapter. This makes for an easier to read prologue. Unfortunately, points-of-view will switch countless times during the story. I’m sorry if this causes any confusion.

Chapter 1 (xxpch1xx)

“Rogue!”
Rogue Shanirrim woke up suddenly. Wondering where he was, he quickly determined that he was in geometry class. Why Geometry? How come it couldn’t be at home, in my comfy bed, awakening from a nap? Rogue thought. He tried in vain to remember his dream. It had been such a good dream. The voice called once again: “Rogue, hurry! It’s your grandpa! He’s dying!” It was only at these words that Rogue finally lost all his drowsiness. “Grandpa Genis is dying?!?!” He was out of the schoolroom before he could even comprehend what he had said, and Xiana was right behind him. When they finally made it to Grandpa’s house, there was already a small crowd of people surrounding Genis. Rushing up to his grandpa, Rogue realized that his grandpa, the only member of his family who actually loved him, was in his last moments of life. “Grandpa! No! Please, don’t go!” His grandfather spoke then what were his last words: “Rogue. Please...find Lloyd, and tell him...about...the...rising...of...cru---” Genis stopped there. Rogue was outraged. “Grandpa! Grandpa! No!” The crowd around them started murmuring about Genis’ sanity. “Of course, at 500 years old, what else would you expect? Ranting on and on about how he and some Lloyd person fused two worlds to form Irmphitria! Absolute rubbish!” Prof. Taisaine was saying, “I should know, I’ve been a history teacher ever since this village was founded---” Rogue was devastated. Grandpa Genis was the only member of his family he had ever liked. With him gone, Rogue didn’t know what he would do. Then an idea came to him. Before he could stop them, the words flooded out of his mouth. “I’m going.” “What do you mean?” asked Prof. Taisaine. “I mean I’m going. I’m going out to try and find this Lloyd person,” Rogue repeated. What am I doing? I don’t have any idea who this Lloyd guy is! Rogue thought. “I’m going with him,” Xiana said, “I don’t care if you think I’m crazy, as well. Genis seemed to know what he was talking about when he told Rogue and James his stories. I wish to search for Lloyd as well.” Footsteps could be heard echoing from the stairs. A battered-looking James appeared at the top. “Thought you were gonna go without me, eh, Rogue? I’m going, too.” Prof. Taisaine seemed to still be in shock from Rogue’s statement. Three people believing Grandpa Genis seemed to be too much for him to cope with at once. “Now...Now, see here...” he began. “No, you see here!” Rogue yelled. “We’re looking for him no matter what you say, you got that? If you wanna stop us, them we’ll just fight back.” He drew his sword, a sword that Grandpa Genis had given him, saying that it had once held immense power over time and space. What had he called it? Ah, yes: The Eternal Sword. It had long since lost nearly all of its power and was nothing more than an average sword, but it was still the only proof Rogue had. “Fine, fine. But I swear you’re all making a grave mistake. I hereby give my permission for Rogue, Xiana, and James to leave the village in order to search for this “Lloyd”. Pack some rations and be on your way. Go now. I’ve got a pounding headache.” The Mayor said with obvious anger. As Rogue left Grandpa’s House with Xiana and James, he couldn’t suppress his curiosity. “Xiana, I never expected you to say that.” he said. “Oh, really?” Xiana sounded amused, “Raine has told me the same stories Genis told you. Although, Raine passed away a few years ago, I still believe as I did then the stories she told me.” Rogue was a little embarrassed that she had responded with such a personal reply. But then again, Xiana hardly ever revealed any information about herself, so perhaps it was a good thing. James was ready to go. “Well, he told us to get some rations, right? It’ll take a while to get through the Ahash Forest to Altamira.” “Actually, James, the nearest village would be Mizuho.” Xiana corrected. “We should head there first.” And so, the adventure began. Rogue, James, and Xiana stocked up on supplies and headed towards the northeastern exit of the village.



Chapter 2 (xxpch2xx)

Hey, what’s up? I’m James. James Remmington. I’m a little of a dramatic, but I think my creativity really adds to the story. When Xiana asked me to keep a travel log for us, I was more than happy to oblige. Then, after all my hard work, Rogue goes and complains that it’s stretching the facts too much! How am I supposed to work like this!?!? Oh well. This particular adventure happened just as we entered the Ahash Forest from Anastraunda--- “James, you aren’t supposed to make it a biography, you know.” Rogue, who was looking over James’ shoulder, said. “You’re just supposed to record our travels in a book. It’s not that hard. Like, maybe: We went to Mizuho through the Ahash Forest. It doesn’t need any spicing up. It isn’t like anyone’s going to read it besides us.” James would have very much liked to say “like you know anything.” But seeing as how Rogue was the whole reason James was here, he decided to go along with it. “Okay, okay. Geez, I’m just bored. What else am I supposed to do?” “Hmm...I know! Let’s look through the rations you brought!” Rogue suggested and started to reach for the pack on James’ back. “I-I don’t think we need to...ah, I mean, I know I packed everything and---” James sputtered out. “Why are you acting all weird? I’m looking in that pack, James, whether you like it or not. Move over!” Rogue opened the pack with a jerk and several dozen books fell out. “THESE ARE YOUR RATIONS!?!?!” Rogue’s face was contorted with rage. “ARE WE GOING TO EAT THE PAGES OR SOMETHING!?!?!” James tried to think of some way out of Rogue’s rage, but there was no escape. Rogue’s eyes were blood-red, which didn’t mean anything good for James. “Now, now. Settle down, you two.” Xiana said suddenly. “If we hurry we should be able to make it out of this forest before dark, and find something to eat in Mizuho. The chief is kind, and is always willing to give hospitality to those who ask it. Perhaps he even knows of our mysterious Lloyd. Although I must express how foolish it was to pack books instead of food. If we weren’t so close to Mizuho, I may have gotten mad...and mad doesn’t do me any good...” Xiana seemed to think she had said too much, and stayed quiet for the a while. James almost had to stop himself from kissing Xiana as he picked up his books. He had had a crush on Xiana since he was 9 years old. Yet he had never had the courage to ask her out. She was only two years older than he was, but she had always been miles out of his league. A snake sped by them. James shuddered. He hated snakes. He supposed he would never learn to like them. Ever. 3 ninja stars speeding right in front of his face disrupted his thoughts. “What the?” he exclaimed and lost his balance, causing him to fall over. Rogue started clapping. “Very graceful, Mr. Remmington. Bravo, Bravo.” “Rogue, this is not the time.” He glanced in the direction the stars had come from but saw nothing. “I thought I saw---” But what James thought he saw, Rogue and Xiana never did find out, because at that moment a girl with dark eyes, overly large canines, and long, almost claw-like nails appeared before them. “Who are you? And state your reasons for trespassing onto my land,” this girl said. “We are in search of a person named Lloyd. We wish to go to Mizuho for food and supplies.” Wow, James thought, Xiana doesn’t lose her head in a crisis. The mysterious wolf-girl went on, “My name is Kage. I will allow you to pass here only if you aid me in finding a certain snake.” “And if we decline?” Xiana asked. “If you decline,” Kage went on, “Then I will have no choice but to kill you all” Rogue, of course, said his favorite line: “Then we’ll just have to fight back!” “Wait.” Xiana’s calming voice stopped Rogue for a second. “She seems to have reasons for stopping us. Think about whether or not we should agree to help her for a second. Then decide.”


Chapter 3 (xxpch3xx)

“We’re attacking her, no matter what!” James replied. “Why not? You can’t be all that tough. You can’t even catch a stupid snake...” James shuddered at the thought of a snake. Kage was clearly mad now. James...why did you have to make her so mad? Xiana sighed. “Yeah, we’ll make you wish you hadn’t gotten in our way!“ Rogue was getting excited at the thought of his first battle with Genis’ sword. It was a marvelous blade, but it did need a little sharpening. Xiana took out her Meiyo, preparing to battle. “Indeed. She won’t win.” Rogue and Xiana rushed towards Kage. James was doing all he could in self-defense. Everyone was low on health from lack of food. Xiana began casting First Aid. Rogue ran straight towards Kage, who was bombarding James, and used Sonic Swirl. Kage was knocked back a ways, and James received some time to recover. James began casting Fireball, just as Xiana finished casting First Aid on James. Meanwhile, Rogue kept walloping on Kage. “Fierce Demon Fang! Light Spear! Victory Light Spear! Super Lightning Blade!” Xiana was amazed that Rogue could use so many attacks in a combo. James cast Fireball, then Aqua Edge, and then Wind Blade. Xiana soon picked up that he was trying to find a weakness. She tried it, too. “Photon!” Kage took some major damage from that hit. So, her weakness is light, interesting...Rogue was starting to lose Magic Power, Xiana noticed. “Rogue! Pull out! You don’t have much Magic Power left!” “What are you talking about?” Rogue amazingly said through mouthfuls of special moves. “Demon Fang! Sonic Thrust! I’ve got plenty left! Light Spear Cannon! Double Demon Fang! Don’t worry about me! Lightning Blade!” Rogue kept on saying his attacks, but no attacks came. He was completely out of Magic Power. Xiana sighed. Rogue never took into account how much Magic Power his attacks used. “What the? I said LIGHTNING BLADE! Come on! Super Sonic Thrust! Work!” Rogue kept on trying, until Kage regained enough strength to begin attacking him again. “James, why didn’t you pack Orange Gels?” Xiana asked in exasperation. James hung his head. “I said I was sorry...” “Never mind. See if you can draw her attention towards you.” Xiana told him. James gave her a look of complete dismay. “Me?!?! M-Me? Why?” “Do you want Rogue to die? Now, hurry!” Xiana began casting Charge and James threw his spear at Kage. Kage suffered a direct hit, and Rogue escaped. Xiana cast Charge, and Rogue once again began using special attacks one after another. Xiana began casting Holy Lance. “Super Sonic Swirl! What the---Guardian!” Rogue was hit by an attack Xiana had never seen before. “Dark.....Synthesis!” Kage cast the spell at the same time Xiana finished casting Holy Lance. “Holy Lance!!!” Kage was wounded too much by that last attack to continue battling. She staggered away. Meanwhile, the effects of Dark Synthesis had made our heroes lose HP at a constant rate. That last attack...I’ve never witnessed anything like it before... Unfortunately, none of them had any strength left to make it to Mizuho. They all collapsed of exhaustion right there and then.

Chapter 4 (xxpch4xx)

Kage was confused. How could I lose? Kage thought, I am undefeatable, there’s no way I could lose...I sensed something about them the moment I met them...They WILL find that snake for me.... She decided to leave them be...for now. She needed to regain her strength, and train much more. Where had the group said they were going? Mizuho, wasn’t it? Well, in that case, she would just have to follow them, until the day that she had enough power to defeat them. Yes, that would work. And so, she went to her den and slept. In the morning, she smelled something. Wait... it’s a...CAT. I will make that cat start begging for death, Kage thought. With that last comforting thought to cheer her, Kage ran off towards the scent of the cat. But what she found wasn’t a cat. It was a girl, with cat ears. One red ear, one white ear. After getting over the initial shock of seeing a cat-girl, Kage followed her. Eventually, she jumped out in front of the cat-girl, who didn’t seem to notice Kage until she ran into her. “Ah!” the girl exclaimed, and fell down into the mud. “AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!” The strange girl began screaming and yelling and running all over the place. Kage now began to wish her wolf instincts hadn’t brought her to this girl. The girl then started to stand in one place, hissing at Kage. Kage to this day doesn’t understand what on earth was going on in that girl’s mind, but she didn’t like it. Suddenly, the girl stopped hissing. “Excuse me for not introducing myself. I’m Tama. Who are you?” Kage was now scared of this girl, and started to back away slowly. “I asked you for your name! Give it to me!” the girl sounded menacing. Kage broke into a flat out run. “Don’t you dare run away from me!” she shouted after Kage. The girl ran after Kage. She was much faster, and caught up to her in no time. “Hi!!” she said, “Why are we running?” Kage was so confused that she passed out. “Okay, you can take a nap! I like naps! Naps are fun!” the girl informed Kage as she continued on her way. Kage woke up a few hours later with a throbbing headache. She headed for her den, not realizing who she would meet when she arrived there.

Chapter 5 (xxpch5xx)

It was still dark when Tama arrived next to the group. Seeing a perfect opportunity, she immediately started searching their bags. She found only books. Hey, these could still be worth a couple Gald from some book addict, she thought, but I was really expecting more than this. Disappointed, she began to continue on her way, when suddenly one of the group, a half-elf by looks, awoke. Tama was amazed he could make himself heard through the human’s horrendous snoring. “Ugh, wha..? Hey, you! Get back here with our stuff!” he shouted. Tama ran as fast as she could, forgetting why she was even running. The half-elf was fast, but not as fast as she was. With slight smugness, Tama entered the village before sunrise. She found some books in her pocket, and wondered how they got there. When she went to the chief's house, and the vice-chief bought them from her, he gasped as he read the first sentence. When asked where she received it, she said she couldn’t remember. “Well, my young lady do you realize that this is the legend of Lloyd Irving, the hero who created Irmphitria? The whole village of Mizuho has been searching for proof of this story for longer than I can remember, ever since the legendary Chief Sheena passed away. What is your name?” Tama was very surprised to be asked this, of all questions. Hardly anyone had ever even bothered to know her name. She was considered a freak by everyone, ever since that experiment. The experiment that had caused her to have cat ears, clumsiness, and very short-term memory loss. The experiment had been an attempt to fuse her with some dead girl’s soul, and ever since then she could hardly remember anything. After a moment’s surprise and thought, she replied, “Tama. Tama Kudurugi.” “Well, my dear Tama, we’ll need to get you into some respectable clothes, for tonight we celebrate the revival of history!!” The festival was wonderful. It had many sparkling lights, candy, and other wondrous things. Tama almost passed out with excitement. And best of all, she was the one the people were celebrating! Her, of all people!! Several different people arrived that day, and she seemed to remember three of them slightly. Excited, and hoping that her memory was finally coming back a little, Tama was able to enjoy her festival time to the fullest. Near the end of the celebration, as all of the guests were gathered around the bonfire, several people pointed skyward. Explosions and flashes were obvious against the black sky. A single star, unique because it was purple, was glowing in the sky. It seemed to have turned all of the others off by its appearance. Tama thought, as many others did, that this was only a performance designed for this celebration. How very wrong she was. A single star, dwarfed by the purple one, fell from the sky. It hit the separated seconds before it hit the ground in the Ahash Forest. Tama was surprised that the forest didn‘t catch on fire. No one spoke for a long time, until the chief finally broke the silence with a chilling remark. “Cruxis has risen again.”


Chapter 6 (xxpch6xx)

Jack ran, but he couldn’t escape it. The explosion was going to engulf him, and he’d never see the light of day again. Not that he saw it very often as it was, but that wasn’t the point. Mithos had finally done it. He had finally blasted Derris-Kharlan out of its orbit. Despite his and Kratos’ efforts to stop him, Mithos’ strength had prevailed in the end. Kratos was running right beside Jack. Jack was wondering if he’d ever live to meet this Lloyd that Kratos always talked about. He sounded like an amazing person, he could learn a lot from him. A sudden shattering disrupted Jack’s thoughts. He turned around, expecting to see Mithos, but he saw instead a hole in the side of Derris-Kharlan. “Kratos! Let’s jump! It’s our only hope to escape Mithos!” Jack yelled at Kratos through the noise. Kratos remained indignant. “No!! You go on without me!! I promised Lloyd that I’d stay here!” “Kratos you’re coming with me whether you like it or not!” Jack yelled back. He practically pushed Kratos out of the comet, and then jumped out himself. He and Kratos pulled out their angel wings, causing an extremely bright light. It almost blinded Jack, who even had angel senses. I guess it’s brighter here, since there’s not atmosphere or something, Jack thought, Man, I hope that no one on Irmphitria sees this, or they’ll be after us. Jack wondered if discrimination had disappeared from the world over the near 5 centuries that Kratos had spent in Derris-Kharlan. Jack was only 18, but he was unique for one reason. Ok, maybe two. Reason number one was because he could remember his past life. Everyone has a past life, but only a select few can remember it. He was one of them. He used to be an alchemist, but he didn’t know very much of it anymore. Reason number two was because he had never lived a human life. When he had been born, he was immediately transported to Derris-Kharlan for reasons still unknown to him. Kratos had raised him like a son, and he had learned many angel techniques. Mithos was still his only rival. Mithos, unfortunately, had also been one of those select few who remembered their past lives. He had been born, and had known all about attempting to bring his sister, Martel, to Derris-Kharlan. Maybe, if Irmphitria was free of discrimination, Mithos could rest in peace. Maybe... Jack’s came back to earth with a jolt (literally). He thought of his parents, and wondered if he would be able to see them for the first time while he was down here. He was suddenly aware of a horribly aching pain all over his body. He looked around for Kratos, but he knew that they must have gotten separated during the fall. He had to tell someone about Mithos, before it was too late. But he hadn’t the strength to move, and nobody was around. He had no doubts that he was going to die right then and there. Kratos was probably half a world away from him.

Chapter 7 (xxpch7xx)

Kratos could sense Jack’s mana from where he laid. Jack couldn’t be more than a few miles away. If only his body would do what he told it to, he could go and help him. He also sensed the mana of one other who shouldn’t even be alive anymore. He sensed the mana of Sheena. No, don’t delude yourself, Kratos reasoned, she couldn’t be here anymore. She should be dead already. You must be imagining things. The mana, however, seemed to get closer. Sheena’s mana seemed as strong as it had been the last time he had seen her nearly 500 years ago. The scent of Sheena’s mana seemed to get closer and closer, until it was right next to him. He couldn’t resist the urge. He called out, “Sheena! Show yourself! It’s me, Kratos! Please help me!” He felt a great surge of helplessness. He was crying for help from Sheena. Well, at least it wasn’t Zelos. A voice answered him: “Who are you talking to? I will aid you, but if you are planning an ambush then I won’t relent from killing you.” Kratos couldn’t help but think that if she had survived all these years, then she may have lost some of her memory. Perhaps the name Kratos wasn’t familiar to her at all. He would accept her offer, though. “I am planning no ambush. I am in dire need of health, and my companion is most likely dead. I thank you for your hospitality. If you are not Sheena, then who are you?” Sheena’s voice sounded amused. “I am called Kage. And don’t think that I’ll help you out for free. No, if I agree to aid you, you must aid me.” This seemed so familiar to Kratos that he almost laughed, but didn’t dare take the risk. “It would seem that you have left me with no choice. I accept your offer.” Kratos supposed that he could help Sheena/Kage and then could go on a search for Lloyd once he regained enough strength. If he could get Sheena/Kage to get back her memory, then maybe she would join him in his search. He would at least inform her about Cruxis. “Well then, let’s get going, tough guy.” Sheena/Kage lifted him easily with one hand, and carried him somewhere. He didn’t have enough consciousness left to figure out where. When he awoke he found himself underneath some blankets among some rocks. Sheena/Kage was cooking fish over a fire when he awoke. “Here. I don’t usually cook my food, but I thought I should at least give it a try. If I burnt it then don’t complain, because that’s all you’re getting until the sun is in the middle of the sky.” One look at the “fish stew” told Kratos that this was indeed Sheena. What he had in front of him was Sheena’s famous curry, except with fish instead of meat. There was even a pineapple. “I don’t know why,” Sheena/Kage said more to herself than to Kratos, “but that came really easily to me, even though I’ve never cooked anything in my life...” She immediately resumed her current activity and didn’t seem to realize that she had said anything. “We should get going soon, if we’re going to find that group. They said they were going to Mizuho, and that cat slowed my progress down a few hours. We’ll lose track of them if we wait any longer. Are you coming?” Kratos had only just started his seafood curry, but he downed it in a gulp. “Fine. Let us go now. Why were these people headed to Mizuho?” Kratos wondered aloud. “Oh, they said that they were looking for somebody named Lloyd, whoever that is. They were even strong enough to beat me, so they should be strong enough to catch that wretched snake.” She trekked on, leaving Kratos dumbfounded. He at least knew he was in the right place, although he did worry about Jack. He hurried and caught up with Sheena/Kage, hardly believing his good fortune.

Chapter 8 (xxpch8xx)

Krystal groaned. She hated mountain climbing more than any other kind of journeying. Especially climbing mountains that were tall. The Fooji Mountains were proving to be quite an obstacle. If it weren’t for that wretched space rock, she would’ve lived a quiet life in her village, with parents. Unfortunately, she was the sole survivor of that incident, and no one knew she existed. Such a shame, too. She could’ve been rich. The Imperial Research Academy had discovered a link between her and Zelos Wilder, some hero from ancient times. His reputation is still well known in Meltokio, and the whole population was surprised to discover that she was the only known relation to him. He was supposed to be her only existing blood relation (if the rumors that he was an angel and had eternal life were true) excluding some kid in Meltokio that no one knew about. That’s why she had been searching all over Irmphitria: To find Zelos if he still existed. Finally pulling herself up to a ledge, she saw the most fantastic thing in the world. She didn’t know it, but she actually had the best view in the world of the imploding of Derris-Kharlan. She watched the two stars fall from the sky, and one of them flew right above her, and she actually felt a breeze when it sped past her, and could’ve sworn that she’d heard screaming. And what an enormous gust it was!!! It nearly blew her off of her ledge. The spectacular show didn’t last very long, and if Krystal ever wanted to get over the Fooji Mountains, then she needed to move on. She could Meltokio looming in the distance. She hoped that she’d find some clues about Zelos there. Well, she wouldn’t get anywhere just standing there. She continued on her way to Meltokio.

Chapter 9 (xxpch9xx)
Meanwhile, in a place far away from anywhere important in this prologue:
Cruxis
Human
Analyzing
Morpher

That’s what I’m called...but you may call me Cham...excuse me, but may I ask who you are?



Chapter 10 (xxpch0xx)

His pen hit the table with a clatter. Blake listened hard, but heard nothing. He could’ve sworn that he’d heard something, but it must’ve just been some idiot fan screaming his name. It happened a lot. But it had caught his attention, and that was saying something. Being the only alive descendant to the great Zelos the Chosen, he was always busy signing autographs. When he had finally returned to his hometown of Meltokio, he had been bombarded by fans screaming his name when they first saw him. Of course, he had to agree that he was the most stunning piece of man in this city ever seen since the great Zelos himself. People said he had had a sister, but she had died in some village when it blew up. The doors to the Great Hall flew open, knocking an unfortunate fan nearby unconscious. The woman who walked in wasn’t alone. She walked with a girl, about his age. Blake rushed over to her by instinct. “Ooh, who are you, gorgeous? You certainly look outrageous.” The woman cleared her throat. “Master Blake, it would be wise to stop flirting for one second to find out who this girl is.” Blake knew something serious was going on now. Nobody ever stopped Blake from flirting, not even the King. Yet this woman, this unknown stranger was telling him to stop flirting? Ridiculous. Just to prove her wrong, he started to kiss the girl. The girl’s reflexes were sharp, though, and she slapped him hard in the face. He still had a red mark there. “Jerk!!! Are you sure that he’s MY brother? I hiked all the way from Luin, nearly dead from the explosion, even over the Fooji Mountains, just to see THIS loser?” The woman awkwardly nodded her head. “Omigosh, you’re serious? This isn’t some joke?” Blake was experiencing mixed emotions, completely torn between joy, sorrow, anger, disgust, and embarrassment that he had tried kissing his own sister. “FANS!!! OUT!!!” He pointed at the door to emphasize his words. Most of his fans couldn’t get out fast enough, after seeing the look of confused rage on his face. “I...uh...think we set off on the wrong foot there, ah... I’m Blake. What’s your name...?” Blake laughed nervously. The woman finally announced who she was. “Master Blake, this is your sister: Krystal. As you know, in this city, women have power over the men, so you must realize that she outranks you.” Blake couldn’t believe that, he wouldn’t believe that. “Oh come on. There have been thousands of claims to blood-ties with Zelos. How do you know she’s a real descendant? Did you do a DNA Test?” Blake knew the answer before it reached his ears. “I’m afraid so, Master Blake. She arrived just this morning, half-starved. We cleaned her up, and fed and watered her, and then--” “You treated me like a slave, is what you did!! Cleaned me up, yeah right... I should fire you for spilling lies to my brother, and in my presence, too! Yeah, that’s right, Blake. They put me in a dungeon and fed me measly little portions of cheese and bread, and then gave me about 4 sips of water from a grimy cup. The even whipped me when I mentioned Zelos. And until I told them I was from Luin they wouldn’t even do a DNA Test. The idiots...” She seemed to be enjoying her new seat of power in Meltokio. She pointed at the woman. “I can tell him myself, okay? So just get out of my site before I fire you.” Hearing this isn’t good news for anyone in the castle, especially from a noble barely lower than his Majesty himself. Krystal went on, “Listen Blake,” She said his name as though trying it out, “I hereby order you to accompany me in a search to find our ancestor, Zelos, who has supposedly lived since the regeneration of the world. You don’t have much choice. That’s an order.”

AND SO ENDS THE PROLOGUE...
BUT THE JOURNEY HAS ONLY BEGUN...



PART I (xxprt1xx)
The Search

Chapter 1 (xx1ch1xx)

The troll was getting away. He had to act fast before it reached its group, because he didn’t want to know what its friends were like. It was generally his luck to end up chasing the weakest troll, and when it got its friends, the small army of trolls was a force to be reckoned with. “13th Hellfire!!!” He shot arrows of darkness out of his hand, but all 13 arrows missed the troll. His claws weren’t generally very good for long-range battling, so he saved those for the actual slaying of the troll. He followed the troll for a while, occasionally shooting out attacks at it. But despite all of his efforts, each and every attack missed the troll. He was feeling a little drowsy, so he came to the conclusion that that must be what had been holding back his aim. He turned to return to his village, but found his way barred by a giant wall. He had seen this sight way too many times to be tricked. 7 trolls, side-by-side, were smiling down on him. The one he had been chasing joined their ranks. The 8 trolls had him surrounded, and everyone knew what happened to someone who was surrounded by trolls. His only encouraging thought was that the trolls may kill each other while fighting over his bones. All of the trolls attacked at once. There was a flash of white light, and then complete darkness.

Rogue awoke with a start. His nightmare had been so vivid, it had almost seemed real. He glanced around the camp, if you could call it that. It was really only three sleeping bags crammed right next to each other. The padding of footsteps down the path roused him back into reality. Thinking it was Kage, he quickly hid himself in his sleeping bag and pretended to be asleep. Who he met, however, was not Kage, but a strange girl with pointed ears. One red ear, one white ear. She was very peculiar, and Rogue immediately took notice when she began digging through James’ pack. All that was there were books, but they could at least sell them in Mizuho. Besides, they contained Grandpa Genis’ stories, and he didn’t want to lose those. He tried to yell out at her, but his mouth didn’t seem to work. His head was throbbing, and he longed for more sleep. He finally managed to blurt out, “Ugh...wha?” and the girl ran off. He had no strength left to run after her, so he fell back asleep, exasperated. He awoke some time later to the horrified scream of James. “AAAAAH!!!! Those evil cheating conniving thieves!!! I’ll rip them apart limb by limb once I find them!!!” James enforced this comment with violent gestures of his arms. “They can’t have gone far,” Xiana reasoned, “We’ve only been asleep for 3 hours at most. They couldn’t have gotten farther than Mizuho. We can catch up to them if we hurry.” Rogue knew James wouldn’t say no to Xiana, but he knew that James needed rest. “We can get to an inn once we get to Mizuho, how does that sound, James?” he suggested. James nodded and picked up his near empty backpack. There were still some books left, but not many. The ones that were left were too damaged to be readable. James grumbled and put them back in his pack, murmuring, “We can at least use them for firewood....” Rogue was sure that James would never burn his precious books unless he was forced to, which you would never read about in any of those books. And James has quite a large array of books. He must have been hard set to pick his favorites for the journey, but when the time came to pack supplies, he found that no room was left for the supplies. James probably loved his books almost as much as he loved Xiana, although he would never admit to it, Rogue felt it was obvious that James liked Xiana. Xiana, on the other hand, probably had not interest in James at all. In fact, Rogue wouldn’t be surprised if James annoyed her. Although, Rogue was waiting for the day when James asked Xiana out. He would laugh so hard when Xiana smacked James, it’d take him a few minutes to recover. He had imagined this incredible scene many times throughout his life, each time funnier than the last. Now it featured James begging Xiana to marry him, and Rogue was just getting to the punchline when James interrupted his line of thought. “Rogue, are you coming or not? Geez, hurry up!” James could be so irritating sometimes. “Coming!” he responded, and the three hurried off towards Mizuho.


The group made it to Mizuho around nine o’clock, but the city was so lit up that it seemed like it was noon. There was singing, dancing, free food, fireworks, and too many other things to list here. It looked like a party, and a pretty good party at that. James took a moment to absorb all of the decorations. He wished that he had about 12 more eyes. There was so much to see! The thing that really caught his eye, though, was a book sitting on a beautifully decorated pedestal. James recognized the book instantly, but when he tried to get a good look at it, he realized that half of the whole village was crammed right over there to peer at the book. Rogue and Xiana had already gone off to different parts of the party, so James hurried over to the crowd. After what seemed like an hour of shoving through the group, he finally made his way up to the front of the crowd where the chief, his wife, and some weird cat-girl that looked quite shocked to see him were sitting in very comfortable-looking chairs. Just as James was about to speak up, the sky lit up as bright as the fireworks had. Several explosions dotted the sky, and all who were watching this spectacular show of light were dazzled. Halfway through the single second that the event had lasted, James recognized the place where the light was emanating from all too well. The way Genis had described it had been so vivid, how could he forget? That was Derris-Kharlan. There was no sugar-coating it. The end of the world was near unless Lloyd Irving, the hero, appeared out of nowhere and saved the day (again), or a new hero was born. The chief stood up and confirmed James’ suspicions by saying, “Cruxis has risen again.” A devastated silence followed. Half of it was out of shock, half out of anger, and yet another half (it’s a figure of speech, so don’t even say it) out of confusion of what in the world a Cruxis was. James was still in disbelief. He completely forgot about his book. The chief had a grave look on his face. The brilliant light that had separated itself from Derris-Kharlan was coming closer and closer, and split in two just before it hit the town. The stars crashed on either side of Mizuho, starting fires in some parts of the forest. Wow, James thought, I guess it’s a good thing we made it into the village. I occurred to him that he should be panicking, like everybody else in the area. He was just thinking about whether to act panic-stricken or not when a voice called to him, “Help...” It sounded faint and distant, but James could tell the direction it came from. Curious, he turned around towards the forest. The voice came again, quieter this time, “Help me....please...” It was obvious to James that whoever this was, they were in trouble. He ran out of the village and into the forest, which panicked the villagers even more if that was even possible. The forest was dark, especially this late at night. The voice kept calling, growing softer still. Frantically, he ran about in the darkness, searching for whoever was calling. “Help.....” He tripped and fell on something. When his ear hit it, he discovered that that something was breathing and there was a pounding heart in its chest. He could actually hear in his ears, not his head, its cry for help. He picked up the person, who was surprisingly light for someone their size. He tried in vain to find the way back to Mizuho until he could search no more. He was just sitting down in despair when he could clearly hear footsteps coming closer. He greatly hoped that it would be Rogue and Xiana, but instead he saw the wolf-girl he had met earlier. He was reasonably sure that he was dead meat. He couldn’t defend himself alone against this girl. She was too strong, and he doubted that she would ever forgive their group for defeating her. She, however, spared him one glance and then quickly darted away. Several minutes passed, and James began to worry for this mysterious guy’s safety. He was still breathing, but who knew how long that would last? He had to get this guy to the village, and fast. But how? He didn’t have any idea where the village was. He chose the simplest way to determine where he should move. He stood up, and stuck his arm out. He then began spinning around in circles until he was dizzy. After overcoming his dizziness, and resisting the urge to throw up, he picked up the person he had rescued, and continued on in the direction his outstretched arm had indicated. It wasn’t exactly the most accurate way to decide where to go, but hey, it worked.

When Xiana awoke the next day, the search parties were still searching. She had been wondering for the longest time what had possessed James to leave the village so suddenly. Also, the search parties couldn’t search long, for they needed to prepare defenses for when Mithos attacked, assuming that it was Mithos who was once again leading Cruxis. Eventually, she and Rogue had no choice but to continue on their way. Luin was closest, but if the rumors held true, then the village had been obliterated by an explosion, and everything was destroyed completely. So they were going to see what they could find out at Altamira, which was several days away. She hoped that they would meet James along the way. They found James’ books, and the thief, but they hadn’t had the chance to ask her about them. The option arose that very morning, when the search parties returned, along with the girl. Xiana walked up to her, and asked, “Excuse me, but where did you get those books?”. She asked this as politely as possible. The girl responded, equally politely, “I don’t remember. I’m sorry I couldn’t be helpful. Umm...how do you spell chicken?”. This confused Xiana very much. “Ahh...C-H-I-C-K-E-N, but why would you ask something like that?” “Ask what? Did I say something? No, I couldn’t have. And why are you spelling chicken? You’re weird.” She sounded like she really thought she hadn’t said anything. Xiana was even more confused, but she would never give up. “Did--“ she didn’t get to finish, because the girl interrupted her. “Hey, can I join your group? I’m good at...uhm...let’s see...uhh...I’ll think of it eventually!!!” Xiana couldn’t figure out whether this girl was sane or not. She figured that it couldn’t hurt to have a “mentally ill” girl in their group, and it would make things a lot more fun. “Sure, you can join us. We’re going to Altamira next. Could you bring your books with you?” “Uhh...join your group? Sure...but, why did you say that all of a sudden? I mean, I’ll join you but how did you know that I wanted to? You must be psychic or something...weirdo...”

Jack woke up dazed. He tried to recall what had happened, but couldn’t. All he remembered of the last day was falling from Derris-Kharlan. He couldn’t remember what happened once he hit the ground. He saw a fire and realized that someone had found him. That was good to know. With some effort, he managed to stand up. He started to walk towards the other end of the camp, where a person lay. Standing up was one thing, but walking was entirely different. He almost made it there, but collapsed of exhaustion right on top of the person, who was understandably startled. The boy got up and yelled, but seeing Jack, he quickly helped him into a sitting position. “What’s your name?” the boy asked. “Heh, give me your name and I’ll give you mine.” The boy was startled to hear these lines, and said “Are you Lloyd?!?” Jack didn’t think anybody would recognize that line, but maybe it was overly clichéd down here. “No, I’m Jack. Jack Bencher. How did you recognize that line? Lloyd said it, but I didn’t think anyone but those from his group would know it. Kratos told me it was one of his favorite lines.” “Hold up!!! You know Kratos!?! That’s Lloyd’s dad!!! Where is he now?” “To be honest,” Jack said, “He’s probably dead. He and I fell from Derris-Kharlan not too long ago. Perhaps a day previous. Now give me your name!” “I’m James,” the boy said, “James Remmington. Nice to meet you, Jack.” They shook hands, and at that moment an incredible friendship was forged. These two had been destined to meet. Although they didn’t know it yet, this friendship would be broken by the most trivial of things. But that is another story and shall be told another time.


Chapter 2 (xx1ch2xx)
It was impossible. Krystal and Blake had reached yet another dead end, and it had taken them a while to reach this one. Once again, it was a wasted effort. They hadn’t found many clues as to where Zelos could be, and the ones they had weren’t that easily understood. For example, how were they supposed to interpret, “Under the orange waterfall”? Who had ever heard of an orange waterfall? Was there even such a thing? Most of them were probably just false rumors, but you never knew. Now, they had searched every single area around Meltokio with no new leads. Blake was ready to give up, but he had been from the start. Krystal wouldn’t give up for anything. Well, maybe for some things but she wouldn’t let Blake know that. If he did, then he’d just poof them up out of thin air. He had a habit of doing that with things he needed. At any rate, they would have to leave the Meltokio area through the Iselia Forest, and then they’d go to Sybak. With any luck, Zelos would be in one of those chambers that freezes the body, and then Krystal would be happy. The two trekked on for a while, unspeaking. It was usually like that, because Blake would usually end up flirting with Krystal somehow, and then she’d slap him. Blake’s cheeks were now red with hand marks on them from the constant slapping. He had learned to keep his mouth shut, but it was a little hard for him sometimes. Maybe it was instinct. Who knows? Krystal found her mind wandering to the fantastic space fireworks she had seen in the Fooji Mountains. She had never had seen anything so beautiful in her life, and nor did she think that many other people had. She could remember vividly how the star had almost hit her, and she had felt the wind blow in gusts behind it. With a sigh, she continued towards the forest with Blake.

Halfway through the forest, Blake felt something nagging at him. He kept going over the history of how Zelos had saved the world in his head, and particularly the part about his faithful companion, Bud. It was said that Bud was from the world next to Zelos’ world, and that he met Zelos first in Meltokio, hoping to cure one of his friends who had lost her soul. But he was trying to remember the early history of Bud, before he came to Meltokio. He finally decided that Bud had come through this very same forest at some point. He brought out his map and compass, and checked his map. The Earth Temple lay to the north, and the Summon Spirit Gnome might greet them if they went there, and maybe provide them with supplies. Their rations were horribly low, and their meals weren’t exactly filling. He suggested going to meet Gnome to Krystal, and she eagerly agreed. She had obviously never seen a Summon Spirit before. Unfortunately, Blake spoke a little too much, and a hand connected with his face not too long afterwards. His own sister was ruining his face. He couldn’t stand much more of this.

Thoras emerged into a large field full of much debris and rubble. It looked like it could have once been a house, but it had exploded and all that was left was random pieces of wood. His warp spell had worked, but it wasn’t very powerful because his Magic Power was low. He had 3, maybe 4 MP left. Because it wasn’t very powerful, it merely warped him a few yards away from the trolls. He had escaped, but only just. And it might not even matter soon, since these trolls were faster than any he had ever slain. They weren’t the average troll. He was dead if no one else appeared to save him. And since this place was full of debris, he doubted anybody would come to his rescue. Almost as if reading his mind, he heard a nearby yell and a crack. Maybe someone was coming by in a horse-driven carriage? He called for their aid, and instantly two people barge in through the bushes. They were both teenagers, they couldn’t do anything to help him. He noticed one was rather red in the face. Why would he be embarrassed now? The trolls were gaining on him. He stopped running and waited for death...but death never came. The ground beneath the trolls shook, and blasted open, sending the trolls flying through the air. One landed next to Thoras, and he could look close enough to know that these weren’t trolls. These were Krelm. The Krelm were an evolved version of troll, created by man. The entire race had turned against the humans, and from that moment on, humans and Krelm were sworn enemies. A man, clothed in light green, emerged form the opening in the ground. He pointed at it, and the hole closed up. The man walked right to Thoras and said, “Hello, Thoras.” He held out his hand to shake, but Thoras wasn’t done questioning. In fact, he hadn’t even begun. “Hold on! How the heck do you know my name?!?” Thoras asked. “You won’t even shake my hand? Fine. I will take your little survey. But in return, you must join me and these two young people. Thoras couldn’t believe it. This psychopath expected him to do that? But he did owe this guy his life. “As to your first question,” he said, “I can read minds. You, over there, are Blake, and your sister is Krystal. Blake, your face is red because you keep flirting with your sister and she is always slapping you. You take after your father, you know. Ah, and the young Krystal. You really take after your mother. But I’m sure you get that all of the time. No? Oh well, carry on, Thoras!” The first answer had been strange enough, but Thoras was willing to ask one or two more questions. “How did you make that place blow up like that?” The man glared at Thoras for a moment, and then finally said, “I will not reveal my training to a Troll-Killer. I will merely say that I had a good teacher. That’s all.” It figured. Most sorcerers nowadays didn’t care about “revealing their secrets” because the y didn’t really use actual magic. That just proved that this guy was all business, and you didn’t want to mess with him. Finally, the last question: “What’s your name?” The man smiled. “I was waiting for you to ask that,” he said, grinning broader still, “I am Noishe.”

There was an awkward silence afterwards, which was broken by Blake, saying, “Noishe? What kind of a name is that?” Krystal slapped him, and Blake shut up immediately. “Noishe,” Krystal explained in the tone of one explaining that 2 and 2 made 4, “Is the first life born on this earth. He was a legendary arshis, and had been thought to be extinct for more almost 500 years, since the last one disappeared after the great Lloyd’s journey.” Blake still seemed confused. “Lloyd? Who the heck is Lloyd?” His stupidity was rewarded with a fresh smack in the face. “Honestly, do they teach you anything in Meltokio?” She turned to Noishe with an air of surprise in her voice, “Erm...it is a pleasure to meet you, Sir...Noishe...” It was incredibly strange talking to someone you knew had once walked on four legs. Noishe was all business, and didn’t seem to take notice that the other three were staring at him. “I see some of you know me. Let’s get going. I know where every member of the 9 heroes is. However, it is unfortunate that only 5 of them remain alive. We must find all 5 of the remaining heroes before Mithos reaches Irmphitria. We must make haste, for the journey ahead of us is a long one. You will be pleased to hear that both of your parents are still alive. However, your mother has lost her memory. She has already died once, only to continue living as a ghost. A demon found her, and she prepared herself to fuse with the demon. She could control the demon well enough, but a magical snake disrupted the fusion partway through. She was unable to transfer her memories, and she still looks a little like the demon. Once the magical snake is dead, then the fusion will complete itself immediately. This snake has eluded her for much too long, and she is gifted with eternal life, so it may take even longer still. Do not underestimate the snake, for it has powers even I don’t have. As for your father, he awaits my visit at the Earth Temple. He will be most pleased to see that I’ve brought you two along. And it won’t hurt you, Thoras, to come along with us, now would it?” He said all of this very slowly, so that everyone could absorb the information. Krystal’s mind was bursting with questions. “Wait...was our mother one of the Great 9? And which 4 have died, and which 5 remain?” “We must depart. I’ve wasted too much time already. Everything will be made clear when we reach the Earth Temple. Gnome’s power will protect us from there. We must hurry before our current location is determined. Yes, you were being followed.” He spoke the last words before Krystal could even open her mouth to ask. He really could read minds. Thoras had remained silent the whole time. Now he spoke with a slight eagerness to his voice. “Well then, let us be on our way! If we leave now, we may make it to the temple before nightfall. I will help you, but only because it is to save the whole world, and not some minor problem at all. You have my aid.” And so, they set off through the forest. The Earth Temple wasn’t that far away, perhaps a mile or two through the forest, but it seemed like the longest mile or two Krystal had ever walked. Questions flew lazily around in her mind, taunting her. All of them would have to wait until they reached the temple, but every time she dismissed a question, about 20 new ones arose. By the time they had reached the temple at last, a million questions were buzzing around in her head as if it was a beehive. Noishe led them into the temple, and then stopped at a bridge that looked like it had fallen from the floor above, a long time ago. Krystal wondered why they had stopped, and then looked down to see a little miniature Gnomelette, blocking their path. She couldn’t think why Noishe didn’t merely step on him. Noishe spoke foreign words, probably part of some ancient language. The Gnomelette seemed to understand them, and he let them pass. There was a blinding flash of brown light, and a full-sized Gnome appeared in front of them. “Hey, Noishe! What’s up? I haven’t seen you in ages! Where’ve you been? And you’ve grown hands! Hey, lookin’ good!” Krystal decided that this wasn’t the greatest Summon Spirit for her to see first. He was annoying. Even if he said something elegant, his high-pitched voice would still make it annoying. “We wish to speak with Master Zelos. Tell him I have brought his two children,” Noishe said. Gnome was surprised, and looked at Noishe questioningly. “Man, are you sure? I’d say he’s a troll-killer by his looks, but Zelos’ son? Geez, he fools around too much---” “Not the troll-killer, the teenagers!” Noishe yelled at Gnome. “Teenagers? Oh! Those two! I didn’t notice them. Why is the guy’s face all red? Is he embarrassed or somthin’? It doesn’t look like he’s blushing...or did he just get slapped?” Gnome was more intelligent than he looked, and sounded. “Sadly, the latter. And several times, too,” Noishe told Gnome. At this, Blake turned even more red, this time out of embarrassment. “Well, I guess I can let you guys see him. But here‘s a tip for ya: Watch out for the Gnomelettes. They’ve finally evolved enough to have gotten a sense of taste, and now they keep buying Potion left and right. Some of ‘em are drunk, and there’s nothing worse than a drunk Gnomelette, believe me.” They left Gnome, with Noishe saying “We’ll keep that in mind.”

Chapter 3 (xx1ch3xx)
Kage stopped. The snake was nearby. She could sense it. They had been following the group for a week, and Kage felt ready to go. That group was powerful, and with her new servant, Kratos...how did she think of that? She hadn’t even heard his name once. Or had she? If she had, she hadn’t been listening. It didn’t really matter, anyway. He was strong, and he wasn’t even at full strength. She would just use him, and the group of three to get rid of that wretched snake once and for all. But Kratos seemed...familiar. It seemed like she knew him from somewhere, but couldn’t recall where. Every time she strained her memory at night, she came up with memories of being hunted, nearly killed, and then meeting a bright light that spoke to her, and then remembered the snake attacking them. Since then she had been filled with one sole thought: The snake must die. It didn’t matter how it died, it just had to. When it died, the bright light would return, and Kage would be her old self again. She could hardly remember her old body, but it was much better than this clumsy one. Who walks on two legs, anyway? You’ll just fall over again and again. She could’ve easily killed the snake in her old form, but this weak-fleshed life form was extremely hard to maneuver. But now, this was her chance. The group of three (the confusing cat-girl was with them, unfortunately) was right behind them. The snake was hiding to their left. The snake emerged from the bushes, just as the three appeared behind them. Kratos gasped.

As Rogue entered the clearing with Tama and Xiana, he saw Kage and a man staring at the bushes to the left. Kage glanced at them, and yelled “Kill the snake or else I’ll kill you!” Rogue did some quick thinking. If they eliminated the snake, then Kage would be in their debt. Maybe she would help them. Then again, maybe she wouldn’t. Nevertheless, he didn’t want Kage as their enemy. She could be dangerous, especially with that man. He looked like he wasn’t the guy to mess with. “Xiana, I think we should get rid of the snake. We don’t want them as our enemies,” he said. “Well...don’t you remember that Kage already tried to kill us? But I’ll fight, because I agree. Tama, what about you?” “Umm...well, I’d like to avoid doggies if I could, but...fine,” Tama said with more than a little reluctance, “Just make sure that the doggy doesn’t hurt me. EEEK! A SNAKE!!!” Tama ran off into the bushes. Rogue knew that there was something seriously wrong with that girl. Maybe they’d find out how to help her in Altamira. It looked like they couldn’t count on Tama helping them out. It was just him and Xiana. The man nodded at them and drew his sword. It looked like they’d have some help after all. Rogue ran towards the snake, and Xiana started casting Holy Lance. Rogue was just thinking what a shame it was that the only element they had was light, when Kage started casting Dark Synthesis, and the man Thunder Blade. All three attacks hit at once, and it looked like the snake was finished off already. He hadn’t even gotten to use a single attack, and he had been practicing some magic techs. He had almost mastered Fireball. Then the snake reappeared amid the smoke and dust. It wasn’t even scratched, it just looked annoyed. It morphed, and it was then that Rogue realized that it wasn’t a snake at all. It was some sort of morphing demon, disguised as a snake. This would be tougher than he had thought. The demon morphed into something resembling a human shape made out of blue fire. It grew 8 extra hands, however, and walked on 3 legs. It was a very disturbing rendition of a human. It mimicked casting a spell, and a giant blade of thunder missed them all quite a few yards. Then the demon let out a high-pitched squeal, almost like a laugh. It was making fun of them, Rogue thought. Then, it stuck out its “hands”, if you could call them that, and arranged them in a circle surrounding it. It let out a blast of one element out of each hand. It spun around in a circle, until you couldn’t even see it. It stopped suddenly, and for a moment Rogue thought nothing had happened. Then a horrible pain struck him, like a million needles striking his whole body at once. He was mad now. Xiana lay on the ground, barely breathing. The man had tried using Guardian, but it didn’t help him any. He was holding on to his sword for support. Kage had stopped breathing altogether. She lay on the ground, motionless. There was no doubt about it: She was dead. Anger welled up inside of Rogue. He stood up, strengthened by his anger, and charged at full speed towards the demon. The demon saw him and smiled. It finally had an opponent that might make things interesting.

They had reached Zelos’ room. Zelos sat at a table, quietly twiddling his thumbs. 4 people entered the room, and Zelos was overjoyed to see his very own son and daughter standing right there in front of him. He ran up to them and hugged them. Blake seemed red in the face, so Zelos released him a little quickly. He didn’t want to embarrass the kid. He glanced at the man dressed in green, and knew in an instant who that man was. “Wait a minute. are you--” he began, but was suddenly taken by tremendous grief. He grabbed his head and screamed, his body undergoing violent spasms. He screamed and screamed, “SHE’S GONE!!! NOOOO! SHE’S GONE!!!! SHE‘S GONE!!!!” He tried to draw his sword to end his pain, to end his suffering, to end it all, but he found his hand stopped by Krystal. He gave her a look of despair and abandonment. She looked so much like her mother. It was a shame her great figure was being wasted wandering all the way out here. His sadness overwhelmed him, and he fainted on the spot.

The monster shot a blast at Rogue halfheartedly, but Rogue easily dodged and shouted in his fury, “DIVINE JUSTICE!!!!!” Blinding blue light filled his eyes, and he passed out.

Greanth saw the half-elf charge towards him with red eyes full of rage, and thought he might be as close to a threat as he’d ever get to fight. Unfortunately, there was no way the half-elf’s strength could compare in any way to that of his own. He halfheartedly shot a fiery blast at the half-elf, but he dodged easily and shouted, “DIVINE JUSTICE!!!!!” Greanth knew that that was the end. As the blue light hit him, all of the souls he had ever absorbed fled out of his body, returning to their bodies, or going to eternal rest. A strangely fused one that he had obtained quite recently, maybe just 100 years ago, flew right in front of him to the dead body of the wolf girl. The portions of souls he had absorbed from the other three went to their hosts. He was nothing. He knew he was defeated. As his body disintegrated, he thought of how long he had lasted, and how many souls he had absorbed. He must have broken many, many world records. Maybe he was the world champion soul-stealer. He would never know now. He had lost two legs, and the third was going fast. Maybe he would only lose his legs. He was corrected when the bottom half of his stomach began to disappear. Oh well. He felt strangely peaceful, especially for one whose arms were being destroyed. He still had 4 arms left. No wait, three. His head wouldn’t go away until all of his arms had gone. He wondered why he had to wait for death to come. Why couldn’t it just be quick? But no, it had to be dragged out and painful. His mouth was gone. He supposed you couldn’t really call it a mouth, though. But that wasn’t the point. He never used it much, anyway. He only used it for laughing. He wasn’t mad at the half-elf, but was in envy. He had finally found a worthy opponent. If only I had a second chance...That was his last thought. His whole head was gone. Greanth was no more.

Kage opened her eyes. So the snake had gotten the best of her. She had thought that she would be able to live long enough to defeat it. She thought she would be able to have her proper body once again. She had thought wrong. Then she noticed that she had overlooked one detail. She could still think. Maybe she was in the spirit world. She tried to move her fingers, but she couldn’t. Apparently spirits didn’t have fingers. She didn’t even feel any pain, but of course spirits couldn’t feel pain. Trying to stand up, she was surprised to discover that her legs still worked, but she fell down right afterwards. She would have to use her hands, too. Kage got up on all fours and looked around. She was still in the clearing, but it was dark. The elf woman was kneeling over the half-elf, who seemed to have passed out, and was healing him. Kratos was merrily chatting with a woman who Kage didn’t recognize. As she crawled up to the woman, she realized that the woman was the bright light that she had met in the forest. The woman spotted her, and took off her ring. It grew larger, and she put it around Kage’s neck. It formed a collar, although Kage couldn’t feel it. Kage knew what the collar meant. Kage was now bound to the woman, and must serve her until one of them died. She didn’t mind, though. She had almost wanted to be with her. It was almost as if she was connected to her. She knew all of her deepest secrets, and the woman knew all of hers as well. Kage was happy for the first time in her life. Happy just to be with her...with Sheena.

Chapter 4 (xx1ch4xx)
Zelos had calmed down a lot by now. He was even smiling, much to everyone’s disbelief. Gnome had even popped into the room for a visit, lighting up the room with his brilliant entrance. Zelos chuckled slightly, and this got Noishe alert. It was unlikely for Zelos to be chuckling, especially since Sheena had died. He could still sense Sheena’s mana somewhere in the world, and had figured out that some sort of demon had been fused with it. When he remembered this, he reached out into his mana sense, and discovered a difference. Sheena and the demon had separate mana now. He spoke the words he knew Zelos had been dying to hear truthfully spoken for an eternity: “The snake has been defeated, and Sheena is alive once again.” That was why Zelos was smiling. Noishe grinned too, and he noticed that Krystal and Blake were grinning for ear to ear, as well. Only Thoras seemed indifferent to all of it, and stood in the corner, staring out the window. It was more of a hole in the wall than anything else, really. Whoever had crafted it obviously hadn’t known what a window was supposed to look like, or maybe it had been Mother Earth herself. Putting the window aside, Noishe could notice a slight indentation on Thoras’ lips, and he supposed this was as close to a smile as Thoras would ever get. He was actually right, because Thoras actually couldn’t smile. But that is another story, and shall be told another time.

The group had a small, yet festive celebration. It mainly consisted of drinking wine, (orange wine to be exact. The Gnomelettes had convinced Zelos to magically install a waterfall of orange wine above his room. How it became orange-flavored was a mystery to everyone) and playing Monopoly (It was invented 16 years prior, around the time Krystal was born). Blake was the shoe, and received several slaps from Krystal along the way. Noishe played as the dog, saying it brought back memories. Krystal’s piece was the thimble, because it seemed like the most feminine piece. As for Zelos, he played as the ship for no reason in particular. Gnome actually managed to play, even though he was a Summon Spirit. He picked the car, because he was always fascinated by modern magitechnology. Thoras, after almost an hour of coaxing, finally agreed to play one game, which he won as the moneybag. Whenever he rolled, he always got exactly the right number of spaces to move. He was a master at Monopoly, which surprised Krystal because he hardly ever wanted to do anything fun. As for the wine, it was Krystal’s first time drinking wine, and it was also her last. She had a throbbing headache from the wine after Monopoly, and had to ask to go to bed early. The next morning, Noishe woke her up and informed her that he and Zelos would answer any questions she and Blake asked as best they could. It was unfortunate that Krystal could hardly think from all the wine she had drank the previous night. Noishe fixed this problem quickly by giving her a mix of some things that Krystal had never even heard of. It tasted like tar, although Krystal had no clue what tar tasted like. But she was sure it was close to this. It was nasty, but it did the trick. The millions of questions returned to her mind to swim, and she was allowed to let them out one by one. The first one was, “Who was Mom?” “Sheena? Sheena was...just Sheena,” said Zelos, “She was one of the great 9 heroes, if that’s what you mean. She was the chief of Mizuho before she died, and a lot of people know her. She still has pacts with all of the Summon Spirits, and she was...I mean, is beautiful. She’s like a part of me. Without her...I’m nothing.” Now it was Blake’s turn, “Who was Sir Bud? His name hasn’t come up once! Wasn’t he your sidekick or something?” Zelos responded with a laugh. “Lloyd’s known as ‘Bud’ in Meltokio? I’ll have to tell him sometime. I guess you could call him my sidekick. I have to say that the journey to collect all the Exspheres was really my idea, so he was my sidekick then. But the journey to rejoin the worlds was all him. He was awesome.” And so it went on, with Krystal asking about her mother, how they first met, and a bunch of other romantic questions, and then with Blake in turn asking about Zelos’ journeys to rejoin the world and collect the Exspheres. Noishe helped out here and there whenever he needed to. Thoras was outside, practicing magic with Gnome. Interrogating Zelos and Noishe took the better part of the day, and it was around sunset when Blake finally asked, “So where are we gonna go next? Or are we gonna stay here with you? I could go for orange wine every night.” “No. We can’t stay here,” said Noishe decisively. “Well, why not? What else do they have to do?” asked Zelos. “I knew this would come up at some point today,” said Noishe, “The reason I have come here with Krystal and Blake is a horribly severe reason. Cruxis has risen again.” They all looked at Noishe expectantly, but he didn’t continue. After what had seemed like hours, Blake finally worked up the courage to ask, “How did it rise again? And what can we do to stop it?” Once again there was a long silence. Minutes ticked by, and Krystal wondered if Noishe had heard the question. When he did answer, it wasn’t the answer she expected. “Mithos was reborn. He forced Derris-Kharlan to wander even closer to Irmphitria, in hopes of rescuing his sister, Martel, who is actually a Summon Spirit. She is the spirit of the Giant Tree, the Symphonia Tree, which provides the whole world with the mana to support itself. Without the tree, the land will die. So Mithos plans to kidnap Martel and take her to Derris-Kharlan with him. Without Martel, the Tree will die, too. Then Mithos will split the world in two again, just like he did before. As for what we can do to stop him, I’m not sure myself. But there is one thing that I’m absolutely certain of: If we can ever hope to defeat this terrible threat, we must gather remaining heroes together, along with the descendants of heroes long gone. If my memory serves me, then Lloyd and Colette should be at the Symphonia Temple, which resides where the Tower of Salvation once stood. Kratos has fallen from Derris-Kharlan, and escaped Mithos’ wrath...for now. I don’t know where he is, but he should contact us as soon as he can. Genis and his wife formed a small village, and named it Anastraunda, after Genis’ wife. Presea moved into the same village soon after. I know not of Raine, but Genis’ bloodline and hers are the same, so we need not worry about that. Regal has either stayed in Altamira as president of Lezareno, or continued the noble Bryant line and--” “Hey! Duke Bryant is the name of the Duke of Meltokio!” Blake rudely interrupted, and was rewarded with a fresh slap from Krystal. “--resumed the role of Duke of Meltokio. And Sheena will undoubtedly meet us sometime soon. It is likely that she’s searching for Zelos. She knows he’s here.” “But I gotta ask you guys, what happened to Meltokio after I left? I mean, that king didn’t seem like the greatest king ever.” “I’ll tell you,” Krystal said, “but you won’t like what you hear.” “That’s alright. I’m used to bad news by now,” Zelos said. “As you know, Queen Hilda wanted to marry you, but since the lineage of the Chosen wasn’t considered noble blood, she was forced to marry some greedy pig named Carl Bencher. Carl treated her like dirt, and he treated the kingdom no differently. He was incredibly greedy, and sent Meltokio down a path of destruction. He had many children, and he raised them all to be just as mean and greedy as he was, if not more so. Then they in turn became kings and destroyed Meltokio even more. For centuries the chaos went on, until 18 years ago, when the last king was murdered. His pregnant wife was in the hospital delivering a baby, delivering the next king. But the mysterious thing is, the moment the baby was delivered, a radiant light engulfed the child, a light so bright that it could melt the ice of Flanoir, and the child vanished. He was gone. Just vanished. He had been on Irmphitria only long enough to be given a name: Jack Bencher. With the royal line completely gone, the duke has taken temporary control over Meltokio. Laws have changed, and everything has been running smoothly. Meltokio is once again the Imperial City, and has prospered greatly in these past few years. There’s even a memorial to Queen Hilda in Town Square! Enough about that, though! Shouldn’t we get going? If we’re going to walk there, it’ll take a while. Even if we had horses, it’d still take a week or two.” “Horses? Nah, we’re going in class! We’ve got the Rheairds! But where should we go first? Anastraunda?” asked Zelos. “No, Meltokio. I’m worried for the duke’s safety. Then to the Symphonia Temple. If Kratos’ prophecy is true, then we should meet someone else there. I’m sure it’s true now, because I’ve taken on a human form, and there is a slayer with us. Remember what the letter said? ‘When a slayer, a demon, an angel, an arshis in its final form, and another who wields the Eternal Sword meet at the Symphonia Tree and don’t quarrel, you’ll be able to divorce her.’ I’m not sure if he will actually divorce Colette after spending nearly 500 years with her.” “Oh, yeah! I forgot about the prophecy! So it’s finally been 500 years, give or take about 50 years. It seems like only yesterday! Presea and Genis were in high school, and Lloyd got that letter from Kratos. I wanted to throw Genis in a dumpster. Ha! Then Sheena got all sad ‘cause Lloyd was marrying Colette instead of her. Man, I sound so old! Okay, then! Let’s get going to Meltokio, before I get another weird moment. C’mon, you two! Let’s go get Thoras. Once again, there were a million questions Krystal wanted to ask. The questioning made her more curious than not in the end. Before Krystal even knew what was happening, she was on a Rheaird and headed toward Meltokio. But Krystal was happy. She was happy because for the first time in her life, she felt loved. She had a father now, and an annoying brother but she supposed that was worth something. She saw no reason to drag Thoras along, but she supposed that Noishe had his reasons. When they landed at Meltokio two days later, Krystal knew something was wrong. The main reason was because the city was on fire and angels were destroying the rest of the city. She drew her sword and got ready for a fight. Glancing upwards, she spotted two angels carrying a body into the sky. She didn’t think it was dead, because it was flailing around and screaming that it’d never abandon the city. It turned around to face the group, and Krystal recognized the face. It was the duke. Her heart sank. Cruxis had kidnapped the duke, and he was a descendant of one of the heroes. It seemed impossible, but she wasn’t giving up that easily. She set her Rheaird to full speed and charged at the angels. The others were charging too, she noticed. Then Blake was gone in a flash of light. Krystal looked down to see his Rheaird crash. The angels had gotten smarter. They blasted Zelos down, too. Then Noishe was down and it was just her and Thoras. The angels turned towards her, and shot out a beam of light. It hit her Rheaird, not her, and her Rheaird was going down. Now it was all up to Thoras. They were counting on him.

Confused? Have questions about my fanfic? Ask them in the Comments section, and I'll answer them...unless answering them would spoil new chapters, or the upcoming "Lloyd's Wedding"
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