Friday, December 9, 2005

The Shadow of the Past (Chapters 1-6)
This story was written by Sofaspud23
SPOILERS (Well, sort of, but you won’t understand half as much of this half as much as you should like if you’re only half past half of the final dungeon)
First off, since a lot of other authors think it’s necessary, I do not own any of the characters, companies, levels, music, or anything else that I’ve put in my fanfic that are registered and owned by other people. (I fail to see the point of this, because I don’t really care if someone else puts my stuff in their fanfics but hey, whatever!) Yay!!! I’m the narrator!
Chapter 1 - Of the Prologue, Zelos’ Birthday, and Gnome’s Uncanny Ability to Annoy Anyone on the Planet. The G.U.A.T.A.A.O.T.P. for short.
Sofaspud23: Once Mithos has been defeated, and the two worlds have been reunited, Lloyd and Sheena go on a journey to collect and destroy all of the exspheres. Then, they took a really long nap. I mean a really long nap. We’re talking sleeping beauty sized naps! So after a week of slumber, they got married. It was more complicated than that, but I won’t bore you with the details. So they get married, Colette tries to murder Sheena but misses and falls out of Derris-Kharlan. Presea catches the bouquet, and Sheena shoves Zelos off of the comet. And thus, Colette and Zelos started a club that plotted ways to murder Lloyd and Sheena. I’ll just let the rest explain itself.
Sheena: So remind me again why we’re going to Zelos’ mansion?
Lloyd: It’s his birthday, remember?
Sheena: Oh, right. Didn’t I shove him off of Derris-Kharlan?
Lloyd: Colette saved him.
Sheena: But didn’t she fall off after she tried to murder me?
Lloyd: No, she flew back up.
Sheena: Dammit.
Sofaspud23: They arrive at Zelos’ mansion and see everyone there, plus about a thousand people they didn’t know.
Sheena: Did this place get bigger or something?
Lloyd: Looks like it.
Zelos: Ah, the voluptuous--
Lloyd: *Points sword at Zelos’ neck* One more word, Zelos...
Zelos: Oh. Right. I forgot you two were married.
Lloyd: You’re pushing it, Zelos! You’re really pushing it!
Zelos: Hey, don’t get mad, Lloyd! If I’m dead, you won’t be able to taste the 5,000 different cakes I had brought over here. A different chef made each one.
Lloyd: Not bad, Zelos. Just don’t flirt with Sheena. If you do, then you’re dead. And I mean that literally.
Zelos: Sure you do.
Lloyd: *takes a bite out of the nearest cake* Blech! This one’s spicy! This is the worst cake I’ve ever tasted! Who made this thing?
Raine: *Was standing behind Lloyd the whole time* I did. You were saying? *Raises her hand, ready to strike*
Lloyd: I, uh, was saying that it was the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life! It’s-*gag*-so-*cough*-unique and...
Raine: *slaps Lloyd and knocks him out*
Sheena: Oh, no you didn’t! I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Whaddaya want?
Sheena: Raine has something she wants to tell you.
Gnome: Woohoo! What is it, Raine? Ooh, ooh! Let me guess! Uhm...fire truck! No, that’s not it...race car! Cheese grater! Cinnamon! Angel Fruit Cake! Apple Butter! 971,034,467! Toilet Seat! Rockefeller Center!
Sheena: Now Gnome will annoy you to death! There is no escape! That’s what you get for hurting Lloyd! And by the way, what the heck is a Rockefeller Center?
Gnome: I dunno. If there was a place in the middle of a city called New York City in a state called New York in a country called the United States on a continent called North America on a planet called Earth, then I’d name it that.
Sheena: Tch, like that exists anywhere. That reminds me, the other day someone asked me if it was nice in Tokyo. What’s Tokyo, anyway?
Gnome: Hmm...if there was city in a country called Japan, on continent called Asia, on a---
Raine: Okay, I’ll heal him! Just please get Gnome to shut up! First Aid!
Lloyd: *wakes up* Wha? All I remember is tasting the worst cake ever, and then everything went black.
Raine: *Arm twitches*
Genis: Hey, Raine! I was wondering if---
Raine: *Smacks Genis, who was luckily carrying a Resurrection Ring with him at the time and came back to life.*
Genis: Oww, what was that for?
Raine: Lloyd.
Genis: I guess I’m better off not knowing.
Colette: *Walks up to Zelos* Do you think they know we poisoned their cake?
Zelos: If you say it that loud, then yes!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Tries to grab a piece but is restrained by Zelos*
Zelos: It’s poisoned, remember?
Colette: Oh yeah, that’s right. Hey look, cake!
Zelos: *sigh* What did I do to deserve this? And hey, if I kill Lloyd and you kill Sheena, then they’ll both be dead and we won’t be able force them to marry us. So what’ll happen then?
Colette: I don’t know. Hey look, there’s cake!
Zelos: Why do I bother asking you?
Regal: Hello. May I ask what you two are talking about?
Zelos: Nothing.
Colette: We were just wondering if anyone had figured out that we’d poisoned the cake!
Regal: *bewildered stare*
Colette: *takes a bite out of the cake and collapses*
Regal: So the cake’s...
Zelos: NOT poisoned! She’s practicing for a musical called, “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” She plays the first person to eat the cake, so she has to practice fainting. Excuse us. Healing Wind!
Regal: *Walks away, confused*
Zelos: What were you thinking? You almost told Regal we poisoned the cake!
Colette: Ooh, there’s cake?
Zelos: Never mind...
Sofaspud23: Then, an hour later, with everyone still alive and kicking because they had avoided the cake once Raine mysteriously sprinkled something on one of them, the group gave Zelos their presents. They are as follows:
Lloyd-A treasure map (It actually led to the lair of a violent demonic banshee, but Zelos didn‘t now that).
Sheena-A pet dragon that was, unbeknownst to Zelos, trained to destroy anything obnoxious.
Colette-Some cake from the other room.
Genis-Cookies with nuts he knew Zelos was allergic to that just happened to fall into the dough.
Raine-A book called: “Pickup Lines for Dummies”.
Presea-A carving of a bear with fish in its mouth. (The fish looked strangely like Zelos)
Regal-The most annoying one-man-band in the world. (He follows you around and plays music depending on your mood. He was currently singing “99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall” and kept losing count of how many beers were actually left on the wall and starting over)
Zelos-A new summer home (You have to treat yourself too, right?).
Sofaspud23-A girlfriend.
Zelos: Wahoo! I get a girlfriend!
Sofaspud23: Not until later in the story. Dammit! I just gave away a hint about what‘s going to happen...see what you made me do? Now I won’t give you a girlfriend!
Zelos: Please! I beg you!
Sofaspud23: Okay, why not? But one wrong move and...
Zelos: Thank you so much! Could you make her a brunette? I have a thing for brunettes. I bet you didn’t know that!
Sofaspud23: Of course I knew that, I just wrote it!
Zelos: Riiiight.
Sofaspud23: Just go back into the story.
Zelos: Hehehehehehe. Roger!
Sofaspud23: And don’t laugh like that.
Zelos: Whatever you say, bud! *Goes into story*
Sofaspud23: Idiot. At any rate, let’s go on with the story. Sheena and Lloyd have wandered off to the side of the cake wheel that Raine wasn’t standing near.
Sheena: Hey, this one looks good!
Lloyd: What kind is it?
Sheena: It’s tomato, Lloyd! Your favorite!
Lloyd: Eww! No!
Sheena: That was sarcasm, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Oh. Uh, yeah! I was...being sarcastic, too!
Sheena: *Sigh* Of course you were.
Lloyd: ???
Sheena: Sarcasm.
Lloyd: Right!
Sheena: I think I’ll try some of this chocolate cake over here.
Colette: *hiding under the table* Yes! Soon you will die and Lloyd will be mine! Muahahahahaha!!!
Sheena: Did you hear something.
Lloyd: Nope.
Sheena: Oh well. *Starts to take a bite, but half of the building is destroyed before she can, and she is so startled she drops the cake* What the heck was that?!?!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Eats it and falls over unconscious*
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: And that’s where the chapter ends! But before we leave, let’s take a look at what everybody is thinking!
Lloyd-This guy’s dead!
Sheena-I hope it eats Zelos.
Colette-Why is peanut butter called, “butter”? I can’t believe it’s not butter! Hey look, cake!
Genis-Maybe it’ll eat Raine’s cake and die...
Raine-What a wondrous sample! I must examine it!
Presea-That sort of looks like Colette from this angle.
Regal-Shackles or no, you will perish!
Zelos-Eat Lloyd! Eat Lloyd!
Kratos-Oh no! This is terrible! My tea has too much sugar in it! I live a hard life on Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: Have our heroes met their match? Will Colette ever become smart? And perhaps the most important question of all, will Kratos be able to make another glass of tea and sweeten it to perfection before his crumpets get cold? Find out in the next chapter of this story!


Chapter 2: Fairies and Angels and Elves, Oh my!
Sofaspud23: As you can probably tell, this fanfic doesn’t have that much to do with shadows or the past, it just sounded like a good name. But it might later in the story. Once I figure out exactly what’s going to happen later in the story, I might be able to post it. But for the most part, I’m just making this up as I go. I really haven’t the foggiest idea as to what’s going to be in this chapter that wasn’t in the first one, so wish me luck!
Derek the Demon Prince: By the way, Sofaspud23 doesn’t claim ownership of any registered trademarks that are in his fanfic. So don’t go around trying to sue him for anything, ‘k?


On Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: The countdown was almost over with. 3...2...1...There was a shrill noise, and Kratos opened the microwave to find his crumpets at the perfect temperature for eating. Nibbling on them, he walked over to the table and turned on the TV. It was amazing how far magitechnology had come! Now they had phones, TVs, microwaves, and the most amazing gizmo ever: Gamecubes! Kratos was even thinking about sending the journals from their journey to a company to make into a game, but hadn’t decided yet. He was thinking of this and other things when Yuan burst through the door.
Yuan: Our garden is growing out of control! It’s going to eat us both alive if we don’t do something!
Kratos: What? I told you an exsphere-enhanced garden was a bad idea!
Yuan: I know, but I figured that since we had the two of the last exspheres in the universe we might as well use them for something non-violent, like gardening!
Kratos: But those Cruxis Crystals are the very substance that keeps us alive! Without them, we’ll die!
Yuan: I wish you would’ve told me that before I put them on the plants!
Kratos: We must retrieve them!
Yuan: Ok then, let’s go!
Kratos: Well...after tea.
Yuan: Right. After tea. (Sits down and takes a crumpet)
Meanwhile, back at Zelos’ Mansion...
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?!
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: Standing right before them was a monster so hideous it could destroy and entire village with ugliness alone. But since Zelos’ sense of decoration was so terrible, it had only succeeded in destroying half of his house. It was as big as a house and twice as fat. Its whole body was covered in some nasty blue gunk. The guests that had survived the first blast of ugliness now quivered in fear before this gruesome beast.
Presea: Wow...it sort of looks like Colette from over here.
Evil Monster: WHERE ANGEL?!?!
Genis: Oh great, it’s speaking caveman.
Raine: I’ll look it up in the Monster List.
Zelos: It must be looking for Lloyd.
Evil Monster: WHERE PRETTY ANGEL GIRLY?
Zelos: Yep, that’s definitely Lloyd.
Sheena: (Slaps Zelos at the same time Lloyd punches him)
Zelos: (Is knocked out)
Lloyd: Now that that’s taken care of, let’s get rid of this thing.
Raine: I’ve got it! That thing’s called a Tuckwood. It was named after someone called Mrs. Tuckwood, who was the most annoying teacher in the history of the world. It is said that--
Lloyd: Who cares? Take this! (Tries to use Rising Pheonix, but bounces off of the Tuckwood’s belly) Ahh! How’re we supposed to beat this thing?
Tuckwood: PAUSE!!! PAUSE!!!
Raine: That’s its battle cry.
Sheena: Pause? That’s a weird battle cry.
Genis: I’ll show you your powerlessness! Indignation Judgment! (His attack bounces off of the Tuckwood and hits him instead). Ahh! How are we supposed to win against something so fat?!?
Sheena: I know! We’ll fight fat with fat! My people have just made a new summon spirit! I’ll try summoning it! I call upon the epitome of pink! I summon thee! Come, Kirby!
Kirby: Bwaiyoh!
Sheena: Kirby! Go attack the Tuckwood!
Kirby: Hi!!!! (Sucks up half of the cake in the room and passes out from the poison)
Sheena: That didn’t have quite the effect I’d hoped for.
Sofaspud23: Then the Tuckwood, being such a pig, spotted the cake and devoured all but one. The poison took effect immediately, and the Tuckwood fell to the ground, holding its stomach.
Tuckwood: Pause....
Mysterious Voice: That’s enough. Go back.
Tuckwood: (Vanishes)
Mysterious Voice: I see you’re more capable than I had imagined.
Regal: Who are you? Show yourself!
Mysterious Voice: Of course not! If I did that, it’d spoil all the fun. But since you have cake, I may as well show myself.
Sofaspud23: A six-winged angel appeared as if out of nowhere. All six of its wings were black to match its hair, which was a bit like a mixture of Genis’ and Kratos’ hairstyles. That’s not saying much since they’re both almost exactly the same.
Lloyd: But how could an angel exist!? We destroyed every single exsphere! Well, except for ours, but those were just souvenirs!
Creepy Demonic Angel: Did you really think the only angels in existence were the exsphere-induced ones? You’re as stupid as they come. Yes, real angels actually do exist, and just as there are light ones there are dark ones. I would explain it in more simple terms for your tiny brains, but I don’t have the time for that. Just give me the girl!
Lloyd: All right, let’s give him Colette.
Genis: But what about your “no more sacrifices” policy?
Lloyd: Who cares? It’s Colette, for pity’s sake!
Sheena: I agree with Lloyd. She tried to kill me, having someone like that around is dangerous!
Raine: I do suppose we’d be better off without her...
Creepy Demonic Angel: And don’t worry. It’s not like I’ll use the power in her exsphere to take control of your puny little planet and turn it into a lot for my minions to park their cars in, and then take control of the entire galaxy and use my power to eliminate the light angels. There’s no way I’d do that. (Had his fingers crossed behind his back during his speech)
Regal: Of course. Only someone evil would do something like that. I trust you.
Genis: Am I the only who thinks he’s evil?
Lloyd: Don’t be stupid, Genis. Of course he isn’t evil! How could he be evil? He promised not take control of the galaxy or anything!
Presea: There’s something wrong. They’re usually not this stupid.
Raine: Stupid? You’re the ones who are being stupid! I can’t believe you think this nice angel’s lying!
Genis: (sarcasm) Oh, sorry. I couldn’t help but notice that there’s a demonic aura around him.
Presea: Not you too, Genis!
Genis: That was sarcasm, Presea.
Presea. Oh. I apologize.
Genis: It’s nothing.
Lloyd: Genis, are you out of your mind? Let me put you out of your misery! (Draws swords)
Sofaspud23: Lloyd, Sheena, Raine, and Regal drew their weapons and walked towards Genis and Presea, who backed away unsure of what to do.
Genis: Lloyd! What’re you doing? I’m your best friend!
Presea: It’s no use, Genis. He doesn’t recognize you at all.
Creep Demonic Angel: That’s right. And as long as I’m here, he never will. Give me the angel girl and I’ll spare your lives.
Genis: Can you take Zelos instead?
Creepy Demonic Angel: No, only the Chosen will do.
Presea: Well, Zelos is a Chosen...
Creepy Demonic Angel: I’m sorry, but no.
Genis: We’ll hand her over, but only if you explain why everybody’s attacking us.
Creepy Demonic Angel: You’re in no position to be making bargains, boy. But I will explain it to you, nonetheless. See this fairy?
Sofaspud23: The angel pulled a bottle with a small golden glow in it out of his pocket. When you looked close, you could tell it was a girl and was very scantily clad. She had obviously noticed this and was struggling to cover her...ahem...parts. She was about the size of one’s middle finger, and was shaking with cold and fear. Genis felt sorry for the fairy and was determined to free it no matter what.
Creepy Demonic Angel: It was a pain to catch. Fairies are invisible to those whose bodies have reached a mature age. You two can see it because you are both children. Once you’re 14 or so, they’ll disappear from your sights.
Presea: ...
Creepy Demonic Angel: Fairies also have the power to influence adults to do anything. They only use in order to wipe the memories of adults who have discovered their secret village. I have learned to harness this power to force anyone to do anything I want. Except kids, but what’ll they do? Now, tell me where the girl is or you’ll pay with your lives!
Genis: Never!
Creepy Demonic Angel: Fine then! Prepare to die!
Sofaspud23: As he said those last few words, Presea rushed past the angel’s minions who were now just standing there awaiting orders, and snatched the fairy in the jar from the angel’s grasp.
Minions: (All collapse from exhaustion because they weren’t under the angel’s control anymore)
Creepy Demonic Angel: My minions! They’ve collapsed! And they aren’t under my control any more! Why you little--- (blasts Presea with a beam of darkness)
Genis: No! Presea! (Runs over to Presea, who had collapsed in a lifeless heap on the floor) You...I’ll kill you!!! (Is surrounded by a golden light, which heals Presea and surrounds her too)
Sofaspud23: For those of you who are wondering, this isn’t a rip-off of Dragonball Z. When Presea fell, the jar shattered and the fairy was free. She then went by the code of the fairies and lent Genis and Presea, who released her, her power. She’s currently searching for something suitable to wear, and then she’ll return to serve Genis and Presea for all eternity. And their descendants, too. She’ll always go to the child with the highest magical power. But enough of fairy etiquette, let’s return to the battle with the creepy demonic angel.
Presea: This energy...what is it?
Genis: I don’t know, but I do know that we can kill that evil angel with it! Let’s go! (Draws his sword, which had suddenly appeared next to his kendama, and runs at the dark angel. But, being the gentleman he was, allowed Presea to go before him. Then they both charged at the angel and took a swipe at him. They both hit him at the same time, and that was more than enough to injure him severely.
Creepy: Demonic Angel: Ahhh! Your power...it’s so....powerful....damn. I can’t go on like this! But I will take your friend’s birthday presents! And your last piece of cake! Muahaha! (Takes a bite out of the cake) Eww! It’s spicy! And it’s poisoned, too! Now I have to buy a Pacanacnea bottle. No wait, Panacanea. Or is it Panacacana? Dammit, I don’t know! You’re more formidable of an opponent than I had thought! But I’ll return, mark my words! And I’m going to find the gold at the end of this treasure map, too! Wahaha! (Cough) I still can’t believe that cake was spicy. No wonder the Tuckwood wouldn’t eat it. We shall meet again! (Vanishes)
Genis: Well, that was weird.
Presea: No kidding. Hey, our little friend’s back.
Sofaspud23: The fairy had indeed returned, and was fully clothed this time. She fluttered around their heads a couple of times, and then spoke.
Fairy: Hi!!! I’m Nikki! Thank you so much for freeing me! I couldn’t stand another minute around that guy! Since you freed me, now, by our custom, I’m to accompany you and be your friend until the day you die, in which case I’ll die. Don’t worry, it seems more brutal than it really is. I’m pretty much just your best friend until both of you pass away, and then my daughter, if I have one, will be your kids’ best friend, and then their children’s children, and then their children’s children after that, and you get the idea.
Genis: So you’re our fairy?
Nikki: Yup!
Presea: And what was all that golden light surrounding us? Was that you?
Nikki: Yeah! You guys didn’t have enough magic in you to have a fairy, so I gave your blood more magic. It’s sort of a ritual you go through before you get a fairy. Oh, and you get used to the pointy ears after a while.
Genis: Pointy ears?
Nikki: Fine, pointi-er ears, whatever!
Presea: (feels ears) You’re right, they are pointy...if that’s even a word...
Genis: And one more thing, what did you mean by our children?
Nikki: What? Is she not your mate?
Genis: Umm...we’re kind of young...
Nikki: (cheeks turn red) Well, I kind of...married you two...in the ritual...
Genis and Presea: WHAT?!?
Nikki: Sorry!
Colette: (wakes up) Hi Genis! Hi Presea! Why is everybody on the ground? Is it nap time? I like naps! Aww, where’d all the cake go?
Genis: Why didn’t we let him take her with him?
Presea: It was for the sake of the galaxy.
Genis: Yeah, but was it really worth it?
Presea: No. It wasn’t.
Everyone else: (wakes up)
Lloyd: What happened? Where’s the creepy demonic angel?
Genis: Presea and I beat it!
Lloyd: Who are you? What did you do with Genis? If you’ve done anything to Genis, then I swear I’ll---
Raine: Lloyd! I don’t believe it, but that is Genis, and that’s Presea! They’ve somehow turned into elves!
Lloyd: Elves?
Zelos: Wow, so we finally have some elves in the group!
Colette: Your ears are pointy! Heehee! Pointy! That reminds me of ponies...I like ponies! And naps. And cake, too! Mmm...cake....
Sheena: And what’s that on your fingers? Are those wedding rings?!?! Did you two get married!?!?
Genis: Uhh....no...these are....mood rings! They tell whether you’re dead or alive. When you’re alive, they’re made out of diamonds. When you’re dead, they look exactly the same but are a little bit less shiny.
Colette: I like shiny things! Wahoo! Shiny!
Lloyd: Works for me.
Sheena: I’m still a little skeptical, but it’s not my business.
Zelos: Hey, it’s still my birthday for a few more minutes! Let’s celebrate!
Sheena: How about you hang out with Gnome instead? I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Hi Sheena! Hey, Genis and Presea have a fairy! And they’re married, too!
All: It’s a mood ring!
Gnome: Sure, whatever!
Lloyd: ...? No one here ever makes sense...
Zelos: Hey Gnome, let’s hang out in my destroyed mansion!
Gnome: Sounds fun! Woohoo!!!
Sheena: I’m glad that’s over with.
Sofaspud23: Thanks to all my fans for reading this far! Coming Soon!
The Shadow of the Past Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm by Sofaspud23
Tales of Irmphitria by Sofaspud23
Tales of Symphonia 2: Darkness Unleashed by Derek the Demon Prince
So be sure not to miss the next exciting chapter of “The Shadow of the Past” And you know what? It probably still won’t have anything to do with shadows or the past! Go figure!


Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm
Sofaspud23: I have nothing against rappers or the crocodile hunter. And I don’t own them, either. Nor do I own Namco, Tales of Symphonia, any of their characters or cities, or crumpets.
Derek the Demon Prince: Here’s a little tip for you! Unless you like to listen to the ramblings of a guy who lives in the middle of nowhere, you’ll want to skip this first line...or paragraph, whatever.
Sofaspud23: Hiya, and welcome to The Shadow of the Past Chapter 3: The Meaning of Sarcasm. Yes, this is the fateful chapter where you discover how the story was named. But since I just had to have some randomness in the title, we’ve titled it “The Meaning of Sarcasm”, because of about 4 lines of text. Many thanks to RoyalFanatic for reviewing! And I’m sorry I haven’t updated more, but the Fall Festival was in town. It’s a sort of carnival that comes to our town every fall. Although I know you’re all just dying to hear my story (sarcasm), I’ll just skip over that for now and tell the story I came here to tell.
Derek the Demon Prince: Wow, a whopping 6 lines! I think you set a new record for the longest into ever...
Sofaspud23: Sh-shut up!
Derek the Demon Prince: Whatever, just start the story already!
Sofaspud23: Fine! Here we go. Lloyd had just walked into the Meltokio inn with Sheena at his side, only to find that the entire group was staying at the inn (even Zelos, because his house had been destroyed by pure ugliness).
Lloyd: So you guys are all staying here, too?
Genis: Yep. The whole city was obliterated by ugliness, except for this one place which was spared because Zelos was the one who decorated it. You fight ugliness with ugliness, right? The castle’s still there, too. I don’t know why, but maybe it has something to do with the graffiti of Zelos’ face on the side. It’s anyone’s guess.
Zelos: If I knew what that meant, I’d be offended!
Sheena: (sarcasm) Wow, Zelos! What a burn that was! I swear, you couldn’t come up with a good comeback for the life of you.
Zelos: Oh yeah? Well...I am rubber and you are glue! Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! How was that for a comeback? Huh? Huh? Beat that!
Sheena: You moron...
Zelos: You...you...
Lloyd: Man, out-burned by Genis. Even I could do better than that!
Genis: What-did-you-say? I’ll give you a burn! Explos-
Presea: Genis, that’s stupid. Blowing him up won’t solve anything.
Genis: Well, I guess so...
Presea: That’s why you hit him with an axe! Devastation! Dual Infliction! Eternal Damnation!
Lloyd: (Gets hit by everything Presea throws at him) Aaah! Okay, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
Presea: That’s what I thought.
Genis: Wow, Presea! That was way better than blowing him up!
Presea: (giggles) I know.
Sofaspud23: Everyone sat in awed silence, so surprised that Presea had giggled. Except for Genis, who was deep in conversation with Presea. After a while, the group parted and everyone said good night and went to their separate rooms. The next morning, they all looked forward to a homemade breakfast by Genis...but Raine woke up earlier and had made pancakes...so anyone with half a brain ate at McDonald’s. Then they all went their separate ways. Sheena and Lloyd were on their way to Mizuho to pay a visit to the new Summon Spirit Lab there. Genis and Raine were going to the ruins of the Tower of Salvation to pray at Mithos’ grave. Zelos was going to stalk Lloyd and Sheena, hoping to kill Lloyd. Colette was headed for Altamira, to star in “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone Had Poisoned the Cake” at the theatre area. Regal was with her, since he also had business in Altamira. He was wondering if traveling with her was worth the 6 billion Gald waiting at Altamira. Presea was traveling with Raine and Genis. Kratos and Yuan had just finished their tea and crumpets, and were off to fetch their exspheres.
Lloyd: Hey, Sheena.
Sheena: Yeah, Lloyd?
Lloyd: I’ve been meaning to ask, what does sarcasm mean? (whole reason for the chapter’s title)
Sheena: You don’t know? No wonder you’re always so clueless. At least a quarter of the script in the game was sarcasm!
Lloyd: So, what does it mean?
Sheena: I can’t really explain it...let’s ask Presea! She’s a walking dictionary! Hey, Presea! What’s the definition of sarcasm?
Presea: Sarcasm? It’s, like, when someone says something they don’t really mean, y’know?
Lloyd: Hey! I can actually understand you now!
Sheena: Lloyd, don’t---wait, I can understand you too! What happened to all the big words you used to use all the time?
Presea: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Hey, we’re leaving! Bye! (leaves with Genis and Raine)
Lloyd: Wow, now she actually seems human.
Sheena: She’s fallen in love with Genis and that’s awakened her inner personality! Isn’t it so romantic?
Lloyd: Uhh, sure, I guess so.
Sheena: We never talk anymore! Why don’t you ever listen to me?
Lloyd: What?!? Ah, I uh...
Sofaspud23: We leave Lloyd in a particularly uncomfortable situation to attend to more important matters elsewhere...
Lloyd: Hey, don’t leave me here!!
Sofaspud23: On Derris-Kharlan...
Kratos: (into camera) Hi there. I’m Kratos. And this is my best bud, Yuan.
Yuan: (Steve Irwin accent) Today, we’re on the trail of a vicious man-eating plant. It stole our exspheres and now we’re out to get ‘em back! Crikey!
Kratos: And remember kids, if you should ever come across some exsphere-enhanced killer plants, contact the proper authorities and do not try to attack them stupidly like we are!
Yuan: Look! There they are! Such beautiful creatures, so majestic, so...
Kratos: Can we just get the exspheres and leave?
Yuan: Patience, Kratos. We’ve got to sneak up on them very slowly, otherwise they’ll get spooked.
Kratos: Sure thing. (jumps into the garden) Prepare to die, evil plant! Oh no! No! Noooooo! Don’t throw tomatoes at me!!! Please!!! NOOOOO!!!! (runs out of the garden)
Yuan: Like I said, be stealthy...(sneaks up behind the plant and takes one of the exspheres) Now, let’s sneak out of here very slowly...Crikey! (the plant spots him and throws tomatoes at him)
Kratos: Couldn’t you have gotten my exsphere, too?
Yuan: But without an exsphere, this beauty would perish right quick. I wouldn’t harm an innocent creature!
Kratos: (sigh) If you’re talking like the crocodile hunter, then I’ll be a rapper! Yo yo, dawg! Why you be trippin over some plant when I be in da house, yo?
Yuan: Crikey! He’s gone completely bananas! The heat must be getting to him! He’s speaking some foreign language!
Kratos: Yo, we in da hood now, yo! Let’s get dis party started!
Yuan: (normal) Seriously, you make a really bad rapper.
Kratos: You ain’t all dat and a bag o’ chips as da crocodile hunta, yo!
Yuan: Look! Your bad acting is killing the plant! Go take your exsphere!
Kratos: Roger dat! (goes and grabs the exsphere)
Yuan: Okay, I’ll stop talking like Steve Irwin if you stop talking like a rapper.
Kratos: Agreed.
Sofaspud23: Meanwhile, on the road to Altamira...
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: No.
Colette: Are we there yet?
Regal: Yes.
Colette: Really? Yay!!! Wait...this is a trick, isn’t it? You just said that to trick me! We aren’t even anywhere near there, are we?
Regal: No, we’re really there.
Colette: Riiiight. And I suppose you’re telling me the big sign that says, “Welcome to Altamira” is real, too? I’m not falling for it, Regal! That’s so lame. Go trick somebody else!
Regal: Fine, whatever...(enters Altamira, followed by Colette)
Colette: Hey Regal, are we there yet? And is there cake where we’re going? I like cake! And cheese. Ooh, and cheesecake! And ducks. I like ducks. Quack! Quack! Ducks go quack! Hehehehehehe! (does Mithos’ evil laugh)
Regal: That’s a very disturbing laugh.
Colette: Quack! Heehee!
Regal: Why me?
Sofaspud23: At the Ruins of the Tower of Salvation...
Genis: Rest in peace, Mithos.
Raine: You miss him, don’t you?
Genis: He was a good friend...
Raine: A worthy opponent...
Presea: A...uh...a good friend...
Raine: We already said that one.
Presea: What else is there?
Genis: I don’t know. There aren’t really that many great values about Mithos. Let’s see...a guy who looked like a girl?
Presea: That’s true, but it doesn’t seem very fitting at a grave.
Genis: You’re right.
Raine: Are we done? Because I made cookies!
Genis and Presea: (unison) Uhm, no! No, we’re not done! Mithos was, ah, ah, a good friend! A worthy opponent! A guy who looked like a girl! Just don’t make us eat the cookies! Wow, that was weird. We just said the same thing at the same time. Hey, it happened again!.........(pause for a while)....... Higabiggaboo! Creepy...it’s like we’re linked or something...
Raine: (just stares at the two of them) Wait...the only way for you two to say the exact same thing at the exact same time would be if you had...FAIRY GODPARENTS!!!!!!!! (Spazzes out)
Nikki: (waves hand in front of Raine’s face) These are not the droids you are looking for.
Raine: Droids? What droids?
Nikki: See? You don’t even remember they were there.
Raine: Wait, you’re a...FAIRY!!!! (spazzes out)
Nikki: Right, wrong words. (waves hand in front of Raine‘s face) You can’t see me! My time is now!
Raine: (in a trance) I can’t see you...your time is now...
Nikki: (snaps fingers)
Raine: What just happened? FAIRIES!!!! (spazzes out)
Genis: Wow, I can’t believe the author stopped so low as to copy stuff from a cartoon no one watches...
Presea: Yes. It’s kind of creepy...
Genis: Very creepy...
Sofaspud23: At the Summon Spirit Research Lab in Mizuho...
Lloyd: So Kuchinawa said he the summon spirit research paid off? What’d they discover?
Sheena: If I knew that, I wouldn’t be coming here.
Lloyd: Sarcasm, right?
Sheena: No, Lloyd. I meant that.
Lloyd: Oh. Wait, was that sarcasm?
Sheena: (sigh) I think you should just give up on sarcasm. (walks into the Lab to meet Kuchinawa)
Kuchinawa: Hello, Sheena. I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is...the chief died yesterday.
Sheena: What!?! Then what’s the good news?
Kuchinawa: The good news is that I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
Sheena: That’s...great...
Lloyd: Now that was sarcasm! I’m sure of it this time!
Sheena: Yes, Lloyd. That was sarcasm. Congratulations.
Kuchinawa: Now I’ve got good news, great news, bad news, worse news, and horrible news.
Sheena: Joy...
Lloyd: That was sarcasm, too! I’m on a roll here!
Kuchinawa: The good news is that the Summon Sprits’ power has just doubled! The great news is that even more Summon Spirits have been discovered! The bad news is that the Summon Spirits are at the far edges of the galaxy. The worse news is that we don’t have a space shuttle anywhere nearby. And the horrible news is that my meatball marinara sandwich form Subway is burnt! Sweet Italian goodness, and all of it ruined!
Sheena and Lloyd: WHAT?
Kuchinawa: I know! The cheap bastards at Subway burnt the sandwich! I swear, I’m going to file a complaint!
Sheena: No, not that! You mean there are more Summon Spirits? In outer space?
Kuchinawa: Yes. If you can find them and make a pact with them, then they’ll be safe from evil forces.
Lloyd: But there’s no rush, right? It isn’t like anybody else is going to journey through the cold depths of space to form a pact with a few Summon Spirits, right?
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Ooh, suspense! You gotta love it! And I don’t own the weird Fairly Oddparents stuff I put in there. Join us next time for “The Shadow of the Past: Another Journey Begins” Until then, here’s a new trend I’m starting! I’ll put a random quote at the end of each chapter, and say what it’s from and who said it at the beginning of the next one. The first person to send a review or an email or a comment with the correct answer gets a reward! Rewards are usually input into the fanfic, such as adding characters, places, and sometimes even events, into the fanfic. (NOTE: It is useless to send in answers to quotes from previous chapters) My email address is sofaspud23@aol.com, so email me what this is from and who said it:
“Try not. Do...or do not. There is no try.”

HINT: This guy seems a little bit green in the face, but that’s just my opinion.
Think you know it? If you do, then write in a review or an email or a comment with who said it, what it’s from, and what you want to add to the story. It can’t be too drastic, nothing that would change the storyline extremely. Yes, I actually am working on a possible storyline...it involves making fun of wrestling...a lot...but for now, good bye and good luck!


Chapter 4: Another Journey Begins
Disclaimer: Sofaspud23 does not claim ownership of Namco, Tales of Symphonia, Subway, Days of our Lives, the WWE, Family Guy, Star Wars, the song “Blue”, or Pizza Hut.
Sofaspud23: I apologize for the many typos in the previous chapter, and for those who figured out who said the quote and couldn’t send me anything, I send my sincere apologies. The story submit part at fanfiction.net wouldn’t put my address in the document. It’s sofaspud23(a)aol.com. The a in the circle won’t show up in the writing, so I have to improvise. So I’m sorry if you were unable to send me anything. And I forgot about this: I do not own McDonald’s. I didn’t put that in the disclaimer for the last chapter. And I also forgot to edit out the part about that chapter being the one where we discover the meaning of the fanfic’s title. That’s this chapter. Sorry to get your hopes up! But it’s definitely this one. Did you guess who said the quote? It was Yoda from Star Wars in the fifth one! Now, here’s chapter 4: Another Journey Begins!
Derek the Demon Prince: I stand corrected. This is the longest intro ever. 8 lines!!! I’m amazed!
Sofaspud23: I’ll ignore that for now.
Derek the Demon Prince: But--
Sofaspud23: Shhh! Are you going to talk during the story?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, no...
Lloyd: It isn’t like anybody else is going to journey through the cold depths of space to form a pact with a few Summon Spirits, right?
Derek the Demon Prince: What? Who said that?
Sofaspud23: Shh, it’s starting!
Derek the Demon Prince: Oh! Why didn’t you say something?
Z E L O S
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Lloyd: That voice sounds familiar...
Zelos: (falls from the ceiling) It’s me!!! And you’re wrong because I’m going with ya, buddy! And we’ll gather up everybody else too! It’ll be like a road trip!
Sheena: Except there’s no road...
Zelos: Right! Let’s go get the others! But we’ll take our sweet little time. There’s no reason to hurry, right?
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Zelos: Hey! I’m the one who says that!
Mysterious Voice: What? (Checks script) No, it says here that I say it the second time.
Zelos: (looks at his script) Oh, I guess you’re right. It’s just so confusing! There are way too many mysterious voices!
Mysterious Voice: Tell me about it. At any rate...(clears throat)...that’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Alas, the creepy demonic angel from earlier had appeared before them!
Lloyd: Colette’s not here! What do you want now, creepy demonic angel?
Creepy Demonic Angel: Insolence! You will call me by my name: Scipio.
Sheena: Scipio? What kind of jacked up name is that supposed to be?
Scipio: Silence, human!
Lloyd: Wait! That was sarcasm, I just know it!
All: (give Lloyd a look of pity)
Lloyd: What?
Scipio: That is so sad...
Sheena: Don’t change the subject! What do you want?
Scipio: You will address me by my name! Scipio!
Sheena: I’ll call you what I want to call you!
Kuchinawa: SHUT UP!!!! I’m on the phone with Subway. They say they’ll give us all free sandwiches for a year because they burnt mine. What do you all want?
Lloyd: Italian bread, pepper jack with everything on it but tomatoes.
Sheena: The same, but hold the cucumbers and extra pineapple.
Zelos: I’m on a diet, so I’ll have the southwest chicken wrap.
Scipio: Meatball Marinara...
Kuchinawa: You too? High five, my man! Word!
Sofaspud23: So the Subway delivery guy drove up in his car with the cool little Subway sign on top, and they all ate and chatted with each other, setting aside their differences.
L L O Y D
Lloyd: So Scipio, what’d you come all the way here for?
Scipio: A number of things, actually. Mizuho is widely known for its superb curry.
Lloyd: I see. You know they put pineapple in it, right?
Scipio: Do they now? Hmm, how very interesting.
Sheena: So what other reason is there?
Scipio: Well, I’d heard that there was a sword around here that could send one into outer space, called “The Infernal Sword” or something of the like. It’s purple, which is a strange color for a sword. I planned on stealing it and using it to explore the deepest regions of space, therefore forming pacts with all 12 of the new Summon Spirits and then using their power, combined with the fake angel girl, to revive Mithos the Hero and his sister Martel. But of course, I can plainly see that The Infernal Sword is merely a myth. This sandwich is superb, by the way.
Sofaspud23: Everyone stared dumbfounded at Scipio, except for Lloyd who of course thought he was being sarcastic.
Lloyd: Riiiiiight. Hey, I’ve got a purple sword! And it can control space and time! It’s called The Eternal Sword! It’s name sounds a lot like that Infernal Sword, doesn’t it? Here, I’ll show it to you! (pulls out the Eternal Sword and hands it to Scipio)
Scipio: Yes! Muahahahahahahaha!!!! With this, I’ll rule the universe!
Eternal Sword: You have not the right.
Scipio: (is knocked away) Ugh! I cannot use this sword! It remains, as by Mithos’ pact, unusable by those who lack the blood of elves! I must master the sword by my own power and forge a new bond with it!
Sheena: Wow, he got it a lot faster than you did, Lloyd.
Scipio: Ah, screw it! I’ll just blow it up! Dark Judgment!
Sofaspud23: Beams of darkness rose from the ground, disintegrating whatever they touched...including the Eternal Sword.
Scipio: Dammit, now how am I going to go into space? Hey, maybe I could just fly out there! I don’t need to breathe, after all! Stupid me! See you, everybody! Thanks for the sandwiches!
All: Bye, Scipio! We’ll see you later! It was fun talking!
S H E E N A
Sheena: Hey wait, didn’t he just disintegrate the Eternal Sword?
Lloyd: Yeah, so what?
Sheena: We need the Eternal Sword to travel into space to form Summon Spirit pacts!
Zelos: We could just go to Cape Carnival! It’s a space needle surrounded by a giant circus tent!
Lloyd: But how’ll we get there without Rheairds?
Zelos: Can’t we just walk there? It isn’t restricted or anything.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Lloyd: Scipio, you already came in! You’ve left for this scene. When you run out of pages to read, then you’re done.
Scipio: But I thought you went back to the first page. It says “back” right here.
Sheena: That’s just telling you it’s the back of the page.
Scipio: Oh, now it makes sense! Thanks! Bye!
All: Bye!
Zelos: Where was I? Ah, yes! Can’t we just walk there? It isn’t restricted or anything.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Zelos: Scipio, what now?
Mysterious Voice: I’m not Scipio, I’m Forrest. Forrest Forrester.
Zelos: Oh. Then it’s your line now...I think. Dammit, Sofaspud23! Quit giving the mysterious voices the same line!
Lloyd: Zelos, why are you shouting at the sky?
Zelos: Umm...no reason...
Mysterious Voice: Okay then, here goes! That’s where you’re wrong...
R E G A L
Sofaspud23: Regal was happy. He had 37 billion Gald in his left pocket, and 17 billion Gald in his right. There was no way anything could spoil his mood. Or so he thought. He decided to go to a play, after seeing the movie, “Tales of Irmphitria”. Ever since the journey to stop Mithos, people had been coming up with all sorts of stories about what had been happening to everybody and calling them “fanfictions”. It’s a fusion of the words “fan” and “fiction”. Regal thought the word was brilliant, but some of the stories were half-baked. After all...Irmphitria? Come on, how corny is that? At any rate, Regal was going to see a play called, “We Were Just Wondering If Anyone Had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” It couldn’t be that good, since Colette was in it. He bought tickets and took his seat. When the show started he saw Colette in a duck costume walking around saying “Moo! I’m a cow!” This continued for most of the play until a piece of cake was placed near the duck/cow/Colette.
Duck/Cow/Colette: Hey look, cake! (eats cake)
Sofaspud23: On the way out, Colette unfortunately caught up with Regal.
Colette: Hi! I like cake!
Regal: That was the worst play I’ve ever seen! What was the point of it?
Colette: Loopy, loopy, loopy, loopy...
Regal: I wasted 5 of my 54 billion Gald to see you waddle around in a duck costume!
Colette: Hey! That’s mean!
Regal: Sorry, but--
Colette: I was a flamingo! Flamingos go moo and are yellow, right? Of course!
Regal: Ooookay...
Colette: I miss Stewie...
Regal: Stewie?
Colette: He’s a baby with a head shaped like a football who is bent on taking over the world. I miss him...
Regal: Great...
Colette: STEWIE!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! WE HAD SO LITTLE TIME TOGETHER!!!!!
Regal: Don’t yell! What happened to Stewie?
Colette: Who’s Stewie?
Regal: The baby bent on taking over the world who you were just talking about.
Colette: I like cake! SPLEEN!!!!
Regal: Never mind...
Colette: Hey, what’s that flying above our heads?
Regal: I don’t believe it, it’s...
Colette: BROWNIES!!!!!
C O L E T T E
Sofaspud23: I apologize, but Colette’s thoughts at this moment are nearly impossible to translate. I only bothered translating two lines because I got bored and went on telling Raine’s story. The rest is in its original format. This is only a portion of the whole collection of Colette‘s current thoughts, which is 3 pages long.
Colette: It’s a squirrel!
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Colette: Ooh, it’s got cake!
Flying Squirrel: Yadsruht no yrdnual pu kcip.
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawaga....
Colette: Tuo teg ot elbissopmi ylraen era sniats ittehgaps!
Flying Squirrel: Hcaelb Xorolc devorpmi dna wen s’ereht yhw s’taht!
Colette: S’ybra gnikniht m’I...
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga....
Flying Squirrel: Yzarc nialp tsuj. Etteloc, yzarc er’uoy.
Colette: Ekac ekil I!
Flying Squirrel: (yawa seilf)
Regal: Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Sofaspud23: As I said, it doesn’t make much sense...at all. It’s just three pages of complete nonsense. So let’s just get on with the next part of the story.
R A I N E
Sofaspud23: Raine, Genis, and Presea were on the way to meet Lloyd, as they had planned. Apparently Kuchinawa had some important news for all of them. They were nearly there when suddenly...
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Genis: Here she goes again...
Presea: How many times is this?
Genis: I lost count...
Raine: This rock is like, totally gray! I mean seriously, it’s gray! Isn’t that creepy?
Genis: Remind me again how she got like this?
Presea: Okay...(starts flashback)
Genis: No! No flashbacks! Just tell me!
Presea: Right. (stops flashback) You remember, don’t you?
Genis: Yeah, but there might be some guy writing down what we say to post on the Internet, so that a couple of random people on their lunch break can kill time by reading it, and get a couple of laughs out of it. We wouldn’t want to disappoint them!
Presea: You’re right, that seems logical. Okay then, Raine kept spazzing out about fairies, so Nikki got mad and cast a spell to make her eternally stupid and preppy.
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Genis: What is it this time?
Raine: Like, your hair is so totally pink! That’s so 2 days, 6 hours, 27 minutes and 13 seconds ago! Puh-lease! Don’t you know anything about fashion? And your ears are so pointy, you look so ugly! Geez, you’re so stupid. Are you a goth or something? Eww!
Nikki: (appears out of nowhere wearing a bunch of fancy bling) Speaking of the EWW, John Cena is so HOT!
Presea: Who’s John Cena? And why is he hot? He should stand by an air vent if he’s that hot.
Nikki: John Cena is only the best wrestler the EWW has ever seen! He’s so dreamy...
Genis: The EWW? I’ve never heard of that.
Nikki: You haven’t? It’s like the WWE, only it isn’t fake! And you get to use weapons and magic! They’re more like gladiator matches than anything else. John Cena is from West Newberry, Massachusetts and he’s so hot...
Presea: I’m still not understanding why he’s hot. Any why the heck isn’t he going outside? It’s autumn! It isn’t hot outside!
Genis: Massachusetts? That sounds like a place Gnome would make up.
Nikki: It does too exist!
Genis: Sure it does.
P R E S E A
Raine: OMIGOSH!!!!
Presea: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?!
Raine: Oh, you did NOT just go there! (slaps Presea)
Presea: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?! ETERNAL DAMNATION!!!!
Genis: I’m sorry, Raine! But you won’t shut up! I call upon thee in the land of the dead to unleash thy fury of thunder! Indignation!
Presea: Rising Punishment!
Genis: Now!
Presea: Lightning Punishment!
Raine: Omigosh! I like, totally wasn’t even close to strong enough! Awesome! (passes out)
Presea: I’m glad that’s over with.
Genis: We can heal her once we get to Mizuho, which shouldn’t take too long. We’re not going to have any detours or anything.
Presea: Actually, I was kind of hoping that we could do something else...
Genis: Like what?
Presea: Well you know, we’re married now, and we’re all by ourselves without anyone to watch over us...
Nikki: I’m here!
Presea: But you’re our fairy and you wouldn’t stop us...
Genis: From what?
Presea: Going to Pizza Hut and using Raine’s credit card to buy the food, of course!
G E N I S
Genis: This was a great idea! (finishes his slice of pepperoni)
Presea: I know! And Raine’s the one who’ll pay for it! (takes a bite out of a breadstick)
Genis: What about dessert? Do we want Cinnamon Sticks or dessert pizza?
Presea: Both!
Genis: Great! Waiter!
Presea: But after dessert, we’d better get back to Lloyd and the others.
Genis: Yeah. But we can eat dessert first. It isn’t like they’re going anywhere.
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong.
Genis: Dude, you aren’t in this act.
Mysterious Voice: What? Yeah, I am! It says right here that I come in after you order dessert.
Presea: Are you sure? Because I could’ve sworn you were only in the first act. (checks script)
Mysterious Voice: 5th page, near the top.
Genis: Now I see it!
Presea: I guess you were right after all!
Mysterious Voice: Aren’t I always right?
Genis and Presea: (unison) No.
Mysterious Voice: Oh thanks for the support, guys.
Genis and Presea: (unison) No problem! Whoa, it’s the unison thing again...
Mysterious Voice: Like I was saying before, that’s where you’re wrong...
K R A T O S
Kratos: Hey Yuan, did you see yesterday’s episode of Days of Our Lives?
Yuan: Sorry, I missed it.
Kratos: It was the best one yet! Joanne asked Bobby out, but she really loves George, who thinks he loves Cindy, whose father is in a coma, but actually loves Miranda, whose brother Jeremy is in love with Bobby. He’s gay.
Yuan: Oh, I think I saw that one.
Kratos: You did?
Yuan: Yeah! And then the guy with the chainsaw came by and threatened to kill Kratos if he bored Yuan with any more of his freakin’ soap operas!
Kratos: No, that was a different episode.
Yuan: GRRRRRR!!!
Mysterious Voice: Having fun?
Yuan: Aren’t you supposed to say “That’s where you’re wrong”?
Kratos: Yeah, that’s what you’ve always said.
Mysterious Voice: But if I said “That’s where you’re wrong” now, then it wouldn’t make sense. And my mommy taught me to always use correct grammar.
Kratos: He’s got a point...
Yuan: Well, in answer to your question, no! We are most definitely NOT having fun! Sofaspud23 didn’t give us a very big part in this chapter! All we do is sit here and talk about stupid Days of our Lives.
Kratos: It’s not stupid!!!
Mysterious Voice: What? Days of our Lives isn’t stupid! Are you crazy?
Yuan: Great, I’m surrounded by morons.
Mysterious Voice: See, now it makes sense! That’s where you’re wrong...
Sofaspud23: Who are these mysterious voices whom we seem to meet much too often? Find out in the next chapter which shall remain nameless for now! In the meantime, here’s tonight’s quote:

“What you see is what you get. I’m just a guy that loves adventure!”

If you know who said it, then send in your answer in a review or an email to Sofaspud23(a)aol.com. If you’re still stumped, here’s a hint: “Everything is blue to him, and himself, and everybody around” Good luck! If you’re right, you get input into the next chapter!




The Shadow of the Past Chapter 5: A Series of Semi-Unfortunate Events
Disclaimer: I do not own the Arby’s and Clorox Bleach stuff from last chapter, Big Show, Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo, Cinnamon Sticks, Days of our Lives, the Ferrari brand, Green Day, JBL, Mrs. Tuckwood and her pet Kevin, Namco, People Magazine, Quizno’s, Rey Mysterio, Ric Flair, Schlotsky’s, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Sony PSP, Subway, Tales of Symphonia, or “Wake Me Up When September Ends”
Other Disclaimer: And this fanfic does not necessarily depict the views of Sofaspud23, except for his actual lines.
Sofaspud23: Today is a very exciting day. Today we introduce someone new to our intro cast! It’s Whatsername! I’d tell you all about her, but certain people...(glances at Derek the Demon Prince) think that my intros are getting too long. So I’ll let her speak for herself.
Whatsername: My name is Whatsername, because Sofaspud23 couldn’t think of a name when he needed someone new for the intro. I’m a rebel, a vigilante, whatever you want to call it. I’m from Chicago and was raised in Toronto. I have a brother named St. Jimmy. And that’s all you need to know about me.
Derek the Demon Prince: Also, for those of you who were curious, last chapter’s quote was by Sonic the Hedgehog in Sonic Adventure 2: Battle. This chapter will probably be longer than the previous chapter, although chapter 4 was reasonably long. Here’s tonight’s quote, it’ll be shown again at the end of the chapter: “The representative from California has the floor” If you know it, send Sofaspud23 an email or a review with the answer in it. Expect to see more Kratos and Yuan in this chapter.
Sofaspud23: Ha! You both had a longer intro than me!
Whatsername: So?
Derek the Demon Prince: I’m not seeing your point.
Sofaspud23: It’s just...ah, nevermind. Here’s Chapter 5: A Series of Semi-Unfortunate Events
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Part I: Lloyd, Sheena, and Zelos
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...(enters the building)
Zelos: I...I don’t believe it!
Lloyd: What? He looks like a rapper.
Sheena: That’s because he is a rapper, Lloyd! That’s Forrest Forrester! The best-known rapper in the world!
Zelos: And plus, he’s--
Forrest: Da big cheese at da EWW, yo!
Lloyd: Eww!
Forrest: You be hating on da EWW, yo? Dat ain’t good, yo!
Lloyd: What? No, I was just saying what you were. The Eww, right?
Forrest: It’s EWW, yo!
Lloyd: That’s what I said. Eww.
Forrest: Nevermind, yo.
Lloyd: My name’s not Yo!
Zelos: It’s Bud.
Lloyd: Yeah, what he sa--wait, my name’s not Bud!
Forrest: I know. It’s Lloyd. And I know all about you.
Lloyd: Really?
Forrest: Your favorite color is red, you hate tomatoes, your dad exterminated a couple of exsphere-enhanced plants the other day, and you think Quizno’s beats the heck out of Subway, but you eat at Subway anyway because you think Sheena likes it there and you don’t want to make her mad.
Sheena: What? You like Subway less than Quizno’s? Why didn’t you tell me? I love Quizno’s!
Zelos: I’m more of a Schlotsky’s fan.
Kuchinawa: Am I the only one who loves Subway?
All Except Kuchinawa: (unison) Yes. Wow, we’re talking at the same time! This is weird. Stop talking. No, you stop talking! You first! Jinx! Hahahahahahaha!
Kuchinawa: Dammit.
Forrest: As I was saying, the ground around Cape Carnival is the property of the EWW.
Sheena: What does EWW stand for?
Zelos: Extreme World Warriors
Forrest: Yes, exactly. And I hear you guys are pretty good at fighting, so I’m willing to make an offer. You and your buddies make a guest appearance on both Stabkill! and VIOLENCE, and I’ll let you guys use the shuttle at Cape Carnival to go and form picks with the Spiffy Summies.
Sheena: You mean pacts with the Summon Spirits.
Forrest: Whatever, same thing. So do I have a deal?
Lloyd: Nah, we can just use the Eternal Sword.
Sheena: Scipio destroyed it, remember?
Lloyd: Riiiiight. Sure he did. You think I don’t know when you’re sarcastic? You just don’t know me, Sheena.
Sheena: Why did I marry an idiot?
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: Yes! Sheena is divorcing Lloyd! I even got it on tape!
Sheena: I didn’t say that!
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: I know, but People magazine doesn’t need to know that! Now everyone will think you two hate each other! Muahahahahahaha!
Mailman: (delivers the mail, which Kuchinawa goes and gets)
Kuchinawa: Look! It’s already on the front page!
Sheena: But you didn’t even send it yet!
Random Paparazzi Guy Outside the Window: I did it telepathically! Wahahahahahahahahahaha!!! (coughs, then takes a deep breath) Wahahahahahahahaha!!! (gets hit by an arrow that Forrest Forrester had shot at him)
Forrest: Sorry, but that was getting really annoying.
Lloyd: (reads magazine) Oh no! Sheena hates me! (starts crying) Why do you hate me, Sheena? WHY???
Sheena: Lloyd, I don’t hate you...
Lloyd: Yes you do!!! The magazine said so!!! You’re just being sarcastic!!!!
Sheena: No, the magazine’s being sarcastic.
Lloyd: What? She’s sarcastic, but the magazine’s sarcastic. Then she says that the magazine’s....AAAAAH!!!! What am I supposed to believe?
Zelos: Lloyd, what’s going on? Don’t lose sight of who you are! No matter who your parents are, no matter your background, you’re still you!
Lloyd: But what does that have to do with anything?
Zelos: Oh. Right, my bad. Just believe that sarcasm doesn’t exist and everything was fine.
Lloyd: Oh. Okay then! Now everything makes sense! The magazine was lying! Got it!
Sheena: I guess you’re better off without sarcasm.
Lloyd: But sarcasm isn’t real, Sheena. Everyone knows that.
Forrest: Sorry to interrupt this thrilling conversation, but we’ve got a tight schedule. Are you in or not?
Sheena: We’re in.
Forrest: Good, because you’ve got a match on VIOLENCE next week.
Lloyd: Wait, shouldn’t we find the others?
Forrest: What? Oh, they’re already at the studio. The rich one, blonde one, smart one, pink-haired one, 4000 year old one that looks 28 or something, blue-haired one that looks like a chick, and the preppy one.
Sheena: Wait, who’s the preppy one if it isn’t Colette?
Forrest: Let’s see, white hair, goes by the name of Raine.
Zelos: She’s not really preppy, but she’s still hot.
Sheena: (slaps Zelos)
Zelos: I wasn’t even hitting on you!
Sheena: You’re just annoying. Don’t talk.
Zelos: (backs a couple of feet away from Sheena) Hey, who are we facing in our first match?
Forrest: Kratos and Yuan will be in the Tag Team #1 contender match against JBL and Ric Flair, Lloyd is in the World Heavyweight #1 contender match versus Big Show. Sheena, Zelos, Presea, and Genis are in a Fatal 4-Way Hell in a Cell Match, and it’s Regal vs. Colette vs. Raine in a Triple Threat Steel Cage Match.
Zelos: That reminds me of Dwarven Vow #36,872: The red cockroach that has lice will never grow to be a centaur with proper armpits.
Sheena: To tell you the truth, I kind of like Dwarven Vow #563: Thou who hits on a violent demonic banshee shall feel its wrath.
Lloyd: Okay, so I sort of liked Dwarven Vow #2,006: He who carries two wooden swords and stupidly tries to hurt somebody with them shall never know the true meaning of sarcasm.
Kuchinawa: I’ve always liked Dwarven Vow #78,464,632,634: Subway is 20 times better than Quizno’s!
Lloyd: That’s not true! Dwarven Vow #78,464,632,634 is to always square dance to the sound of one hand clapping with a paranoid man in a cucumber costume on the 15th Thursday of the year, but only if September 28th is a Tuesday, and there are exactly 6 snails crossing the 263rd interstate of the planet Urgoplex, which has to be filled with illegal aliens at the time, at exactly 2 and a half miles per hour, and one is stepped on by a hitchhiker that turns out to be a leprechaun and is drunk and tries to do the hitchhiking symbol but ends up flipping off cars instead, so he gets his butt kicked by the leader of the snails he inadvertently stepped on, and it has also rained 6.218305134 inches in the form of toadstools with little munchkins eating toast with BBQ sauce on top scattered around on the 7,234th Saturday of the 14th century at no later or earlier than 9:37 PM. Oh, and you have to have a jelly donut with you...and bug spray, unless it’s the 3rd of August, in which case you wouldn’t come across any blood-sucking toolboxes in your basement.
All: Oookay...
Sheena: You can remember all that, but you can’t remember when our anniversary is?
Lloyd: What? Well maybe if you made magic food like Dirk I would.
Sheena: Are you insulting my cooking?
Lloyd: No! No, I was just saying that Dirk’s cooking was magical, and it made me memorize all the dwarven vows.
Sheena: Then when’s our anniversary?
Lloyd: Sept. 10th. That’s why Green Day made the song “Wake Me Up When September Ends” Remember when we went to their concert last year?
Sheena: Oh yeah, that was disastrous. Who could forget that?
Lloyd: Not me. So I do remember our anniversary! Unless...wait, you forgot our anniversary and that’s why you gave me that present the other day while I was square dancing to the sound of one hand clapping with the guy in the cucumber suit!
Sheena: How do you clap with one hand, anyway?
Lloyd: Beats me.
Forrest: Can we get going now?
Zelos: Yeah, let’s go!
Lloyd: To Cape Carnival!!!
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Colette, Regal, and the Flying Squirrel
Whatsername: Oh, and for those of you who didn’t get what Colette and the squirrel were saying, it was all just backwards. Except for Regal’s lines.
Colette: BROWNIES!!!
Regal: I don’t believe it, it’s the dark angel from earlier!
Scipio: That’s the Cruxis girl! I don’t have time for this, Days of Lives starts in 15 minutes! Tuckwood, go!!!
Tuckwood: (appears out of nowhere) PAUSE!!!! KEVIN, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! EVERYONE ELSE, WRITE ME A FIVE PAGE ESSAY ON HOW YOU CAN PERSUADE A COW TO THINK IT’S A DOG, DUE TOMORROW!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Regal: Good god, that thing’s evil! 5 pages long, geez! And that Kevin kid is obviously the teacher’s pet!
Colette: Hey, it looks like a giant piece of cake! I like cake!
Regal: It’s stale cake, so attack it!
Colette: What? No!!! I like cake, especially stale cake.
Derek the Demon Prince: Just attack it, you moron!
Colette: Huh? Oh, hello grass! You’re my friend!
Derek the Demon Prince: Holy crud! You can hear me?
Sofaspud23: Yes, I’m the sky and you’re the grass. Whatsername is the narrator today.
Colette: Hey, now the sky can talk!
Derek the Demon Prince: Why are we the sky and the grass?
Sofaspud23: Like I said, Whatersname’s the narrator today.
Derek the Demon Prince: Oh, I see.
Sofaspud23: Only Zelos and Colette can hear us, because they’re so delusional.
Colette: I love the grass! (hugs the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Aaah! Get off of me, you blonde! Get away! Aaah!
Colette: Why does the grass hate me? I hate you, grass! Die! Die! (stomps on the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Oww! Ouch! Stop that! Ack! That’s it! I’m starting an earthquake!
Regal: Colette, have you gone even crazier than you were? Why are you talking to the grass?
Tuckwood: (After a giant earthquake sunders the land, the Tuckwood trips and bounces into the sky and disappears unto nothingness.
Colette: (flies into the air) Haha! Stupid grass! I can fly!
Derek the Demon Prince: Dammit! Then I’ll just throw this tree at you! Hiyah! (tosses a tree at Colette)
Colette: (catches it) Hey, it’s a tree! Maybe it tastes like cake! I like cake! (takes a bite out of the tree) Mmm, cake...
Derek the Demon Prince: Wait a minute, that was the Symphonia Tree! Just put it back into the ground, Colette! Just put it back into the ground!
Colette: Burn it? Okay! I like fire! And cake! Ooh, wouldn’t a spicy cake be great?
Squirrel That Lives In The Tree: Hey, don’t burn this tree!
Colette: Okay, I’ll burn it! (lights a match)
Derek the Demon Prince: Whatsername? Is that you? Are you the squirrel?
Whatsername: Yep, it’s me! (flies into the air next to Colette) Let me say it in words you’ll understand: Truh steg ydobon dna niaga ssarg eht otni eert eht tnalp.
Colette: Aww, but I like people getting hurt.
Whatsername: Dab oot!
Colette: Fine, I’ll plant it into the grass, but only this once. Next time I‘m burning it. (shoves it into the ground)
Derek the Demon Prince: Oww!!! That hurt! It felt like I just got a shot!
Colette: If you’d all speak English, then I could understand you better!
Derek the Demon Prince: But we are speaking English!
Colette: I hate how everybody talks backwards!
Whatsername: Wait, maybe normal to us is backwards to her, so if you say something backwards she’ll understand it.
Regal: (gets up) Wow, that was a huge earthquake. Oh no! Altamira was destroyed! I rich! Er! I’m richer! I’m so glad I bought that city insurance at the last second before the earthquake! Awesome!
Colette: Hi Regal! We’re gonna be in a cage together on VIOLENCE!
Regal: Excuse me?
Colette: Stop talking backwards!
Whatsername: Regal, haven’t you read the latest People magazine? There’s a new one every thirty seconds. This one says how you and the rest of the Symphonia group signed a contract to make appearances on both of the EWW rosters seventeen minutes ago. So now I have to take you back in time to Cape Carnival seventeen minutes ago.
Regal: ....?
Colette: Say it the right way!
Sofaspud23: So after repeating what she had just said to Colette backwards, Whatsername flew the two of them back in time to seventeen minutes ago at Cape Carnival, and then disappeared, leaving them to sign the contract and wait for the others.
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Genis, Presea, Raine, Nikki, and a Talking Car
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Genis: What? But I love Cinnamon Sticks!
Nikki: It’s me! And you have no idea how much more important this is than Cinnamon sticks!
Presea: It can’t be that much more important. I mean c’mon, it’s cinnamon!
Nikki: You guys signed a contract with the EWW 38 minutes ago! Don’t you ever read People magazine?
Both (unison): No.
Nikki: Argh, anyway! You guys have to go back in time with me to sign the contract for the EWW.
Presea: Okay then, let’s go get Raine.
Nikki: Wait, where is Raine?
Genis: We threw her in a dumpster!
Nikki: But today’s garbage day!
Presea: Exactly, she’ll be taken far away, so she can’t find us! I hate preps.
Genis: But she’s still my sister...
Nikki: And she signed the contract with you! You have to go and find her!
Both (unison): (sigh) Okay, fine.
Nikki: I see you’ve gotten used to the unison thing.
Both (unison): Yeah, it got kinda boring after a while.
Nikki: Then let’s go find Raine!
All: (travel to the dumpster where they had dumped Raine)
Genis: Look! There’s the dumpster!
Presea: And there’s the trash truck loading it up!
Genis: Let’s go! Taxi! TAXI! TAXI!!!! Dammit, I can’t get a taxi!
Presea: Let me try! (pulls out her axe and runs in the middle of the road, where a taxi stops right in front of her) Let me in or else I’ll hit your car with this axe!
Taxi-driver: Okay, just don’t hurt the car! I just polished her!
Genis: Her?
Taxi-driver: What? Is it wrong to name my car?
Genis: I’m just saying, your car is a guy.
Taxi: Finally, somebody realizes that I’m a guy! I’ll let you on for free! Get out, chubby!
Taxi-driver: But I just polished you, Stephanie!
Taxi: It’s Stephen. And you call that polishing? Please! I’ve seen snakes who could polish me better. And they don’t even have hands! Get in, you two! And the fairy, as well.
Presea: Right! Follow that garbage truck!
Stephen: What garbage truck? It’s already driven away!
Presea: What? Then to the dump, and if we see a garbage truck on the way, follow it!
Nikki: Stephen, your colors are so dull. Let me change ‘em!
Stephen: Fine.
Nikki: (flies out of the car and gets rid of the taxi sign on top of the car, then turns it into a Ferrari)
Stephen: Sweet! No more ugly sign on top! And I can go fast! Awesome! (speeds up to 450 mph and crashes into several trees and houses, but doesn’t notice because he just goes through them. Yeah! This rocks!
Whatsername: So it continued for a long time, Stephen was speeding all around the city and he crashed into several different garbage trucks, splattering Genis and Presea with their contents, and Raine was still nowhere to be found.
Genis: (spits out a piece of trash) Eww! That’s nasty! How many times are you going to do that?
Stephen: Until you tell me to stop.
Genis: Then stop!
Stephen: Got it. (stops suddenly, sending Genis and Presea flying out of the car)
Presea: (lands in the dump) Great. More trash.
Genis: (lands next to her) This is disgusting! How much trash can we go through in one day?
Presea: Tons, apparently.
Nikki: (teleports herself and Stephen to the dump)
Genis: I have a question for you, Stephen.
Stephen: Ask away.
Genis: Why can you talk?
Stephen: Whatsername’s the narrator today. She gets a little...crazy.
Genis: Oh...
Presea: Can you at least be something that’s supposed to talk?
Stephen: Fine, but only when we’re not going anywhere. I like being a car.
Nikki: I’ll make you a pet! Like that one blue thing that appears when you battle Meredy, Garr, and Farah Oerstead, at the Meltokio Coliseum, only not useless!
Stephen: Just not anything fuzzy or cuddly or...
Nikki: This fanfic is mostly meant to be funny, so turn this yellow car into a bunny!
Stephen: (turns into a fuzzy, cuddly, white bunny with black spots) Aww, man! Now I’m a bunny!
Nikki: But you’re such a cute bunny!
Presea: You look like a small cow. A really cute small cow.
Genis: That’s true.
Nikki: (baby voice) Who’s the cutest bunny in the whole wide world? You are! You are! That’s right, my little snuggly wuggly---
Stephen: SHUT UP!!!! I’m turning back into a car now. (turns into the Ferrari again)
Presea: Fine, but you’ll need to turn back into the cutest bunny in the whole wide world when we aren’t going anywhere.
Stephen: Dammit.
Genis: Now how are we gonna get Raine back?
Presea: I know! We can go back in time and stop ourselves from throwing Raine in the dumpster!
Genis: That wouldn’t work, ‘cause then we wouldn’t have a reason to go back in time and stop ourselves from putting her in a dumpster, so then we wouldn’t actually have stopped ourselves, and we’d go back in time to stop ourselves, and---gah! It just wouldn’t work, trust me.
Presea: Okay, then let’s go back in time to go and get Raine.
Genis: Yeah! We can go back in time to see which trash truck drove off with Raine, then come back to the future to find the truck and then go to sign the contract at the EWW!
Presea: Or we could just get her from the dumpster in the past, and go from there to Cape Carnival.
Stephen: Dammit, now I have to be the bunny again! (turns in the cutest bunny in the whole wide world)
Nikki: Sounds good to me! (takes them all back in time to the dumpster, right after they dropped Raine off there) Now get her out quickly before you see yourselves!
Genis and Presea: (gets Raine out of dumpster, and holds her far away from them, since she smells like sewer water)
Nikki: ‘k then, let’s go back in time 38 minutes ago, to Cape Carnival!
Stephen: Aww, can’t we go back in time here, so I can drive to Cape Carnival? I swear, if I have to endure one more second as a bunny, I’ll--
Nikki: Of course you can drive us there, you cutie wutie tutie putie...what else rhymes with cutie?
Genis: Let’s see, there’s yutie, zutie, sutie, rutie, dutie, and...
Stephen: (snickers)
Genis: What?
Stephen: Doodie...(laughs hysterically)
Presea: You lame brain!
Nikki: (is laughing uncontrollably as well) But...it’s...so...funny...
Genis: Oh geez, just take us back in time!
Nikki: (takes them back in time to 38 minutes ago)
Stephen: Finally (turns back into a car)! Heh, doodie! (cracks up)
Genis and Presea (unsion): SHUT UP!!! IT WASN’T EVEN FUNNY!!!
Stephen: Damn, that unison thing can be used to double-team, too! That’s hardly fair!
Genis and Presea (unison): DEAL WITH IT!!!
Whatsername: So, 10 minutes later, with Stephen transformed into a Rheaird and still laughing about doodie, the 5 of them made their way to Cape Carnival and signed the contract, with Raine still unconscious.
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Kratos and Yuan
Mysterious Voice: That’s where you’re wrong...
Kratos: Be quiet! The Days of our Lives encore is starting!
Yuan: Oh, come on! Can’t I choose what we watch?
Kratos: No.
Yuan: I don’t care! I’m switching to Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo!
Kratos: Pardon?
Yuan: You know, the guy who fights with his nosehairs!
Kratos: Sorry, that doesn’t ring a bell.
Yuan: It’s funny! You should watch it!
Kratos: Okay, fine.
Yuan: Yes! (switches to Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo)
Mysterious Voice: What, so you’re both just gonna ignore me?
Kratos: You can watch TV with us!
Mysterious Voice: Alright, sounds fun! (sits down)
Yuan: So what’s your name?
Mysterious Voice: I’m Scipio.
Yuan: What kind of jacked up name is that?
Scipio: Impudence!
Yuan: Sure, whatever.
TV: (plays Japanese theme song)
Kratos: So let me get this straight, this show is about some guy with a yellow afro who fights with nosehairs?
Yuan: Yeah, and squirrels live in his hair.
Kratos: Excuse me?
Yuan: And ducks, and cabbages, and a rock band...
Kratos: Bah! I can’t understand any of what you’re saying! You must be speaking in some sort of code...
Yuan: No, there are really squirrels and ducks and cabbages and--
Scipio: Enough already! Can we watch something else?
Yuan: Oh, come on! Bobobo-Bobo-bobobobo....no wait, it’s Bo-Bobobo-Bobo Bo...
Scipio: Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo
Yuan: Yeah, that! It’s awesome!
Scipio: I’m changing the channel! (switches to the EWW)
Kratos: Hey, this is always good! It’s better than that fake WWE crap.
All: Definitely.
Sofaspud23: (on TV) This is your commentator, Sofaspud23, commentating with Whatsername! So what’re we going to see tonight on Stabkill!?
Whatsername: We’ve got a tag match with the defending champs, Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio, against Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker.
Sofaspud23: This could get interesting. But hey, why are we the commentators on a TV show? And why is Derek in the match?
Whatsername: I’m narrating, so I can give us all parts. That’s what the narrator does. This is my first time narrating, so I figure I should experiment with all my powers.
Sofaspud23: Okay, anyway...We’re coming to you from the coliseum in Meltokio, and the stands are packed! And remember, this episode is sponsored by zircon! Zircon is for people who have lost their humanity and are turning into a giant exsphere because of a stupid Cruxis Crystal. Side affects may include extreme clumsiness, apologizing over and over again, the inability to use any attack other than Holy Song when you’re a CPU, which hardly does anything and just increases your teammates’ stats so they die because you wouldn’t cooperate and attack the stupid enemy with a real attack, and just plain being a blonde. Ask your doctor if zircon is right for you.
Whatsername: Who cares about the sponsor? The match is about to start!
Derek the Demon Prince: (Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo’s theme song plays) Hey! This isn’t my music!
Whatsername: I’m narrating! I like that song! Deal with it!
Derek the Demon Prince: Fine, geez. But it’s in Japanese! I don’t even know what it’s saying!
Whatsername: So make something up!
Derek the Demon Prince: Okay, fine. (walks into the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the tag team champion, weighing in at 467 lbs, it’s DEREK THE DEMON PRINCE!
Derek the Demon Prince: What? I do NOT weigh that much!
Sofaspud23: I know, I’m just saying that to make you mad!
Derek the Demon Prince: Grrr...
Rey Mysterio: (theme song plays)
Sofaspud23: And the tag team partner, weighing in at 170 lbs, it’s the man behind the mask, REY MYSTERIO!
Rey Mysterio: (walks into the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing two people I don’t claim ownership of...it’s Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker!
Harry and Luke: (walk into the arena, and then the bell rings)
Whatsername: And that’s the start of the match! And now, just to warn our readers, prepare to see a bunch of parentheses!
Luke: (turns on his lightsaber and runs at Derek)
Derek: (blocks Luke’s attack and punches him in the face, then unsheathes his own sword)
Harry: Expelliarmus! (shoots the spell at Derek)
Derek: (gets hit by the spell and his sword flies through the air to Harry)
Harry: (tries to catch the sword but misses and gets stabbed by it)
Referee: Harry’s down! (teleports Harry to the medical station) That means only Luke is left)
Whatsername: Luke now has a choice between forfeiting the match, or continuing without his partner.
Luke: (signals the ref)
Sofaspud23: Looks like he thinks he can take on the defending champs by himself!
Whatsername: Egotistic idiot...
Harry: (is healed by the medics and takes his seat next to the ring)
Rey: (throws a shuriken at Luke)
Luke: (dodges and uses the force to pick up Derek’s sword)
Kratos: (eats a mouthful of popcorn)
Rey: (runs at Luke and multiplies himself into 50 different people)
Derek: (notices that Rey has it under control and pulls out his PSP)
Luke: (shoots force lightning out of his hand and spins around so it hits all of the Reys)
Kratos: (spits out his mouthful of popcorn because there was an uncooked kernel in it)
Rey: (is hit by the lightning so his clones disappear, but he throws three shuriken at Luke)
Derek: Yes! Level 68, baby!! Booyah! What? NOOOOO!!! I‘m out of batteries! And I didn‘t even get a chance to save! I hate this thing! (throws his PSP on the ground and stomps on it continuously)
Luke: (catches two of the shuriken and jumps over the third)
Shuriken: (turns into one of Rey’s clones and throws a kunai knife at Luke)
Luke: (is pinned to the ground by the knife)
Referee: 1!----2!----3! (bell rings)
Rey Mysterio: (theme song plays) That was almost too easy! Right, Derek? Derek?
Derek: (is crying over his PSP) It’s broken...(sob)...and I...(sob)....SPENT 400 FREAKIN’ BUCKS ON THIS DAMN THING AND IT BREAKS AFTER A WEEK!!!! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!
Sofaspud23: So there you have it! Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio are victorious yet again! On VIOLENCE, we’ve got the Symphonia cast! And if they win their match against JBL and Ric Flair, then Kratos and Yuan will be facing our very own Derek the Demon Prince and Rey Mysterio! See you next week!
Yuan: (Gags on an uncooked kernel and Scipio has to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him) Why are there so many uncooked kernels in this popcorn?
Scipio: Oh, you wanted it popped? You should’ve said something!
Kratos and Yuan (unison): (look into the bowl to see that none of the kernels are popped) Did you think we wanted just the kernels?
Scipio: I refuse to answer that.
Yuan: Oh well. But what the heck did they say at the end?
Kratos: No kidding! That’s crazy...
Yuan: No, seriously. What did they say? I couldn’t hear since I was gagging.
Kratos: Oh. They said that we were going to be on VIOLENCE!
Scipio: Of course! Does anyone ever read People magazine?
Kratos and Yuan (unison): No.
Scipio: Of course you don’t. You guys signed a contract with the EWW 4 days ago!
Kratos and Yuan (unison): We did? Cool, we’re talking at the same time...
Scipio: That’s starting to get annoying! Why does everyone talk in unison? WHY????
Yuan: ...?
Scipio: Right, well, I can take you back in time.
Yuan: Cool! But first tell us, what was your reason for coming here?
Scipio: Well, I heard that this place could be used as a vessel for traveling through space, and since I accidentally destroyed The Eternal Sword and I discovered that I can’t fly through space, I needed something to transport me through space to form pacts with all the Summon Spirits and kidnap the girl called Colette so I can revive Mithos the Hero and his sister Martel and turn everyone into lifeless beings and start the Age of Half-Elves!
Yuan: (bewildered stare)
Kratos: Riiiiiiiight. And I suppose you’re looking for this key? (holds up the keys to Derris-Kharlan) Sure you are. I know sarcasm when I see it, Scipio. I know you’re not evil. That was a good one. (hands Scipio the keys) You can take care of Derris-Kharlan while we’re gone! Thanks!
Yuan: Kratos, wait---
Scipio: (covers Yuan’s mouth with his hand) I guess it runs in the family. But no, I must thank you, Kratos. Thank you. Now here you go! (sends Yuan and Kratos back in time to Cape Carnival 4 days ago)
Kratos: That Scipio’s a nice guy.
Yuan: YOU IDIOT!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? NOW THE WORLD IS OVER!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT THE WORLD’S GOING TO BE DESTROYED!!
Kratos: You sound like the mayor of Iselia. Now let’s sign that contract.
Yuan: But...oh, nevermind.
Whatsername: And so, Kratos and Yuan signed the contract at the EWW. Now everybody had signed the contract, and they were all getting ready for their matches on VIOLENCE. Here’s tonight’s quote!

“The representative from California has the floor”

Sofaspud23: Remember, if you know the answer send it to me via review or comment or email to Sofaspud23 (a) AOL dot-com. Again, I’m sorry I can’t put my actual address into the fanfic. And here’s the hint for tonight’s quote! This is from a song, and just think about holidays to find the answer. Good luck!




The Shadow of the Past Chapter 6: Meet the Carnivorous Clowns
Disclaimer: I do not own Namco, Tales of Symphonia, Green Day, “Holiday”, the Sony PSP, The Robot, Big Show, Naruto, JBL, Ric Flair, South Park, “American Idiot”, Powerpuff Girls, Wendy’s, Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Fillet, Wendy’s Frosty, Sharpie, Super Smash Bros. Melee, Days of Our Lives, or The Ring.
Second Disclaimer: The comments and views expressed in this fanfic do not necessarily express the views of the people they’re portraying or Sofaspud23.
Third and Final Disclaimer: I have just now realized that in the guidelines it says “No stories written in script or play format are allowed” but I’ve seen plenty of other fanfics written in this format, and I don’t understand why it isn’t allowed. And besides, this is the kind of story that just wouldn’t seem right if it wasn’t written in script format. So I’m really sorry, but I’m going to keep on writing it like this. If you have any concerns about this, please let me know and I’ll try to write my fanfic in the proper format immediately. Thank you.
Part I: Intro
Sofaspud23: Welcome to another chapter of “The Shadow of the Past”, the fanfic that has absolutely nothing to do with its title!
Whatsername: And congratulations to Tim101, who correctly guessed the previous chapter’s quote! It was from the Green Day song, “Holiday”.
Sofaspud23: (after a long silence, in a whisper) Derek, it’s your line...
Derek the Demon Prince: What? Why do I always have to be the one to introduce new stuff?
Sofaspud23: Because you owe me!
Derek the Demon Prince: For what?
Sofaspud23: For putting you into the fanfic, of course!
Derek the Demon Prince: Okay, but...No! You made me cry over that PSP! I don’t cry!
Sofaspud23: Okay, whatever! Me and Whatsername will introduce the new stuff...but only this once.
Derek the Demon Prince: Good.
Whatsername: First off, there’s another new character in the intro cast! It’s none other than my brother, St. Jimmy! Tell ‘em about yourself, Jimmy!
St. Jimmy: It’s about time you guys introduced me! Geez, how long do your intros usually last?
Whatsername: (evil glare)
St. Jimmy: (shudders) Okay, just ignore that last comment! (inches away from Whatsername and starts singing) My name is Jimmy, and you’d better not wear it out! I’m the patron son of the denial, I’ve got an angel face and a taste for suicidal Ramen! My name is St. Jimmy, I’m a son of a gun, I’m the one that’s on the way outside now! A tainted assassin that thinks killing’s so fun, and the hearts of the ones in doubt. I really hate to say it but I told you so, so shut your mouth before I shoot you down, old boy. It’s comedy.......and tragedy.........it’s St. Jimmy.......and that’s my name! AND DON’T WEAR IT OUT!!!!!
Derek the Demon Prince: Why’d you suddenly go into a song?
Sofaspud23: And you told us your name 3 times.
Derek the Demon Prince: And how can Ramen be suicidal? Doesn’t that mean that it kills itself? How can Ramen kill itself? Is it alive? Whoa, that’s the last time I eat Ramen...
St. Jimmy: You’re all missing the point! That was just a part of the song, so of course it didn’t make sense!
Whatsername: And you call that an angel face? It looks more like the face of a demon.
Derek the Demon Prince: Hey! My mom was a demon!
St. Jimmy: Wasn’t your dad a demon, too?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, no...he was an angel. I’m half-breed.
St. Jimmy: How did that happen?
Sofaspud23: Well you see Jimmy, when an angel and a demon love each other very much, then---
St. Jimmy: That’s not what I meant and you know it!
Whatsername: How’d you become a demon prince if you’re only a half-breed?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, you see...(5 hours pass)...and since that day I’ve never been able to do The Robot the right way. I’m okay at everything else, though.
Whatsername: That still didn’t answer my question, although I never knew you were born with three arms. (gives Life Bottles to Sofaspud23 and St. Jimmy who have died of boredom)
Sofaspud23: (gets up) Wha...? What happened? Oh! (clears throat) After that somewhat disturbing monologue, it’s time to start the chapter! Thanks a bunch to everyone who reviewed! I think it was...(counts on fingers)...three people! Wait...(counts again)...no, it was definitely 3! So many thanks to Tim101, RoyalFanatic, and Scorch the Hedgehog! Wow, this is a long intro! So as not to prolong it any further, here’s Chapter 6: Meet the Carnivorous Clowns. And do you like how I abbreviated introduction with intro to save time? But next time, maybe I should try just using “int.” and abbreviating chapter with “ch.” because time is of the essence, or as we say in the biz, T.E.O...no wait, T. I.....what was I spelling again?
Part II: Lloyd VS Big Show
Sofaspud23: Welcome to this very special edition of VIOLENCE!
Whatsername: That’s right, tonight we have the heroes of Symphonia on the show! We’ve got Lloyd Irving vs. The Big Show in a #1 one contender match for the EWW title sheath, Raine Sage vs. Regal Bryant vs. Colette Brunel in a triple threat steel cage match, Genis Sage vs. Presea Combatir vs. Zelos Wilder vs. Sheena Fujibayashi in a Fatal Four Way Hardcore Match, and the main event is a #1 contender tag team match with Kratos Aurion and Yuan...uhh, what’s Yuan’s last name?
Sofaspud23: Beats me.
Whatsername: Then what am I...? Oh, who cares! Kratos Aurion and Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair. And as a special addition to the matches, all of them will have the same weapons and armor as they did when they were battling Mithos!
Sofaspud23: You know, I’ve always wondered, isn’t Lloyd’s name really Lloyd Aurion Irving?
Whatsername: Or is it Lloyd Irving Aurion?
Sofaspud23: And is Sheena’s name Sheena Fujibayashi Irving Aurion, Sheena Fujibayashi Aurion Irving, Sheena Aurion Fujibayashi Irving, or...
Whatsername: Does it really matter?
Sofaspud23: Well no, but--
Whatsername: Then I don’t care.
Sofaspud23: Here come the combatants!
Lloyd: (Lloyd’s theme song plays) Oh, come on! You could at least change it to rock or something! Now my music makes me look like a wimp! (changes to Naruto’s theme song) What kind of a theme song is this? All it does is yell “Rai! Chi-yoh Soh!”
Sofaspud23: Just pick one!
Lloyd: I guess I‘ll go with Naruto. (walks into the ring)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the challenger, The Peeping Tom from Iselia...
Lloyd: Are you still going on about that? How many times do I have to tell you? It was all a misunderstanding!
Whatsername: Then maybe you should try changing your title to something different.
Lloyd: I’m not sure I understand you.
Whatsername: You don’t understand anything.
Lloyd: True.
Sofaspud23: ...it’s LLOYD IRVING!!!!
Whatsername: And now it’s his opponent, the heaviest warrior in the world, weighing in at over 500 lbs, it’s THE BIG SHOW!!!!
Big Show: (theme song plays)
St. Jimmy: From Big Show’s side of the coliseum came a tiny Gnomelette, and a gasp echoed throughout the crowd.
Colette: Hey! The lights are talking, too! I like lights. And cake!
Zelos: Will you shut up about the cake?
Colette: What’s cake? Ooh, is it good? Is it spicy? I like spicy! And ice. Especially spicy ice! Hey! That rhymes! Spicy! Icy! Yay!
Zelos: Do you ever say anything normal?
Colette: Ooh, I’ve got a good joke!
Zelos: Fine, what is it?
Colette: Knock knock!
Zelos: Who’s there?
Colette: Who’s where?
Zelos: At the door!
Colette: Somebody’s at the door? I’d better go answer it! (walks off)
St. Jimmy: So as Colette was off answering the door Lloyd’s match vs. Big Show the 500 pound Gnomelette was just starting.
Lloyd: What the heck? You’re the Big Show? You aren’t very big!
Big Show: No, but I weigh more than 500 pounds! Hiyah! (jumps on top of Lloyd)
Lloyd: Ack! No! NOOOOO!!!
Referee: 1...
Lloyd: It tickles! It tickles! (starts laughing uncontrollably)
Referee: 2...
Big Show: What the...? Shouldn’t you be squashed like a pancake by now?
Lloyd: (throws the Big Show off of him, where he flies into the air and lands on his back on ground)
Whatsername: Hold on, it seems there was a mistake! Lloyd is actually facing the Little Show who actually weighs 500 grams, not pounds!
Little Show: What? Then I was deceived! You...disgusting little vermin!
Lloyd: You can’t say that to me!
Little Show: Why not?
Lloyd: Because Magnius already had it patented! You could get sued for that!
Magnius: (appears as a ghost) Muahahahahaha! Yes! I’ve just hired a lawyer! Now you’re 5 bucks in my debt! Bwahahahahaha! (disappears)
Little Show: NOOOO!! 5 bucks!!!! I don’t have that kind of dough!
Lloyd: I could lend you some money...
Little Show: Really? Please!
Lloyd: Just let me win and I’ll lend you 5 bucks!
Little Show: Are you crazy? Grr....GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!!! (picks up Lloyd and spins him around on his finger, then hurls Lloyd into the stands)
Lloyd: (lands on Kenny from South Park)
Stan: Oh my God! You killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Lloyd: What? I can’t understand you!
Stan: I said that you killed Kenny!
Lloyd: Dude, you have some major speech problems! I can’t understand a word you’re saying! You must have a weird show.
Stan: Tell me about it. We’re all just bad drawings with speech problems, and the plotlines suck. They’re even worse than this plotline! And it’s barely even here!
Lloyd: What? I can’t understand you!
Stan: GAAAAAAH!!!
Lloyd: Excuse me? I still can’t understand what you’re saying.
Little Show: Time to die, vermin!
Magnius: (appears as a ghost again) I get a quarter for every time you say vermin! (disappears)
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Lloyd: (flicks the Little Show with his index finger)
Little Show: (flies across the coliseum and out of it, landing in front of the door)
Colette: (opens the door) Is anyone there? Hello? (looks down) Oh, hello you cute wittle Gnomelette! I will call you George and I will hug you and wuv you and wuv you foweva!
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Colette: Now now, don’t cwy!
Little Show: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Colette: GODDAMMIT, I SAID DON’T CRY!!!!!
Little Show: (awed silence)
Colette: That’s better, my wittle cutie wootie tootie pootie doodie...
Little Show: Haha! Doodie! (cracks up)
Colette: (starts to pinch Little Show’s cheek)
Little Show: Huh? Aaah! Hands off, blondie! (punches Colette)
Colette: Oww! Darn! I’m bored with it now! (throws Little Show back into the arena)
Lloyd: (accidentally steps on Little Show)
Referee: 1....2....3!!!!
Lloyd: Huh? Did I win? Oh, wow! Awesome! (Naruto’s theme song plays)
Sofaspud23: What an amazing match! And remember, you saw it first on VIOLENCE!!
Whatsername: I’m still a little bit confused about that match. So, what happened?
Sofaspud23: Let’s watch an instant replay of the final move! (shows a screen with Colette tossing Little Show into the arena) It was an interference, but the ref didn’t see it, so it didn’t count.
Whatsername: Ooookay. Hopefully the next match with be a little bit less confusing.
Derek the Demon Prince: With Sofaspud23 writing it? No way that’ll happen.
Whatsername: It seems that we’ve got a visitor here in the commentator’s box! It’s the tag team champion, Derek the Demon Prince! What would you like to say, Derek?
Derek the Demon Prince: What? No, I just came up here to get some punch from the other room and I thought I’d tell you guys.
Sofaspud23: Sweet! There’s punch?
Derek the Demon Prince: Yeah, in the room right across from here.
Whatsername: So, what’re we waiting for? Let’s go!
St. Jimmy: So as the three of them went off to get punch, rudely leaving me behind as the lights, the next match was starting with Lloyd and Sheena substituting for Whatsername and Sofaspud23 as commentators.
Part II: Raine vs. Colette vs. Regal in a Steel Cage Match
Lloyd: What? Is this thing on?
Sheena: You have to push the little red button.
Lloyd: What little red button?
Sheena: The one right in front of you on the microphone, you dolt!
Lloyd: What does red look like?
Sheena: That! (points at the button)
Lloyd: Oh, that? I pushed that one a long time ago.
Sheena: THEN IT’S ON!!!
Lloyd: Really? Oh, wow! You’re right! Hi, everybody! How’re you doing? (waves)
Sheena: That’s a one-sided mirror, idiot.
Lloyd: Then why is everyone looking up here?
Sheena: BECAUSE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE AMERICAN IDIOT!!!
Lloyd: Nice Green Day reference.
Sheena: You noticed?
Lloyd: Of course.
Random Guy in the Crowd: Are you two just gonna talk to each other the whole time or are you actually gonna introduce the match?
Lloyd: Oh, right! (clears throat) We now have a triple threat steel cage match in which the objective is to be the first person to escape from the cage. It’s Regal Bryant vs. Raine Sage vs. Colette Brunel. Now remember, everyone is going to have the very same weapons and armor they wore when they were facing Mithos.
Sheena: As you can see, the combatants are entering the arena.
Regal: (theme song plays) Alright, this is going to be a piece of cake! I can just pay them to let me escape! Let’s see...I think I can spare about 3 cents or so of my 60 billion Gald I make every week to bribe them...
Referee: Hold on! (runs up to Regal and puts shackles on him)
Regal: What’re you doing?
Referee: You have to wear the same weapons and armor as you did when you fought Mithos. You were wearing shackles when you fought Mithos, therefore you must wear them now.
Regal: Then how do I get out of the cage?
Referee: I dunno. That’s your problem, not mine.
Regal: Dammit! (enters the arena cursing)
Lloyd: Entering the arena, it’s the El Presidente from Altamira, REGAL BRYANT!!!
Raine: (fast theme song plays) Like, OMIGOSH!!!! This music is like so totally stupid! Change it something cool! (theme song changes to the Powerpuff Girls theme song) OMIGOSH!!!
Referee: SHUT UP AND GIT IN THE ARENA!!! (uses psychic powers to lift Raine into the arena)
Raine: Like, OMIGOSH!!! I’M FLYING!!! OMIGOSH!!! THIS IS---(falls into the arena)---OMIGOSH!!! I JUST FELL!!! LIKE OMIGOSH!!! OMIGOSH!!! OMIGOSH!!!!
Lloyd: Introducing the Annoying Preppy Half-Elf from Iselia, even though she was born in Heimdall and used to live pretty much nowhere...it’s RAINE SAGE!!!!
Colette: (fast theme song plays) Oh! I like this music! (sees the crowd and is determined to say “hi” to every single person in the stands) Hi hi! Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihihi! Hihihiihiihhiiiiiiihihiiihiiiiiiiiihihiiiiiiiiii! This is fun! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHHIIIIIIIIHIHIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIHIIHIIHIIHIIHIIIIHIIIIIHIIIIIIHIHIHIHI!!!
Referee: WHY ARE YOU ALL COMPLETE IDIOTS!?! JUST GIT YIR BUTT IN THE FREAKIN’ ARENA!!!!! (uses telepathy to make Colette hover into the arena)
Colette: (pulls out wings and flies back) Wagawagawagawagawagawagawagawagawaga...
Referee: What the wagawaga did you just call me?
Colette: I called you a wagawaga.
Referee: Why you wagawagawaga-ing wagawaga!
Lloyd: The wagawagawaga-ing censors are going wagawagawaga-ing crazy!
Sheena: Holy waga...
Colette: FINE! I’ll get in the wagawagawagawaga arena! You’re still a wagawaga!
Sheena: Wait, Colette isn’t even cussing! She’s just saying wagawagawaga...
Lloyd: But why would she say “wagawaga” for no reason?
Sheena: Think about it for a minute. It’s Colette...
Lloyd: Oh, good point. (bell rings and the match starts)
St. Jimmy: The three of them had all arrived in the arena, after the referee had thrown a stick into the arena and said, “Go fetch, Colette!”. As the cage was being lowered around the arena, Regal was trying to pay Colette and Raine to let him escape, or rather toss him out of the cage, but wasn’t having much luck, while Colette was chewing on the stick and trying to figure out why the lights were talking.
Regal: Hey Raine, I’ll give you 3 cents if you throw me out of the cage!
Raine: Awesome! Free cash! (takes the money)
Regal: Now lift me up!
Raine: Why?
Regal: I just bribed you, that’s how bribes work!
Raine: Ooh, is a bribe one of those fancy necklaces they wear in France?
Regal: Uh...no, it’s not.
Raine: Darn...
Colette: (sees the coins) SHINY!!! (chases Raine and Regal down until she steals all of their money) Shiny...my preciousss...preciouss...they wants it...they wants the preciousss....filthy humanseses and half-elveseses...I’m bored! (does The Robot)
Derek the Demon Prince: (had just entered the commentators booth) Hey! Stop mocking me!
Raine: OMIGOSH!!! YOU JUST, LIKE, STOLE MY MONEY!!! OMIGOSH, GIVE ME THAT!!!!
Regal: Why me? Why me? Why did they have to insist that we wear the same stuff we did against Mithos? WHY?
St. Jimmy: So it continued for five hours, and near the end everyone in the entire stadium had fallen asleep except for Colette, who had been woken up by the sound of the lights (which we currently shut off) talking. It was then that a mysterious figure climbed up to the edge of the cage and dropped a black wig on top of Colette’s head. The effect was immediate.
Colette: Hey, who...?
Mysterious Figure: (disappears)
Colette: Jackass...
Mysterious Figure: (reappears) What the waga did you just call me?
Colette: Nothing...
Mysterious Figure: Good. (disappears again)
Colette: What a wagawaga...hey, why don’t I just fly out of here? Why didn’t I think of that earlier? And why was I chewing on this stick? Eww... (shudders) Hey! I’ve got 6 billion Gald in my pocket! Wait, didn’t I steal that from Regal? I should give it back...but I won’t! Screw you two! I’m winning this match! I‘m starving! (flies out of the arena and stops at Wendy’s, because they’re always open late, and buys a Spicy Chicken Fillet, then buys a Large Frosty. Then she got brain-freeze, and bought some french-fries. After that, she returned to the arena and drew on everybody’s faces with a Sharpie. Then she played video games until daybreak. And she wasn’t even tired because she didn’t need sleep!) That was fun! Hey, the ref’s waking up! Finally! This was starting to get boring! (throws the game she was playing on top of the pile next to her, which reached up to the top of the cage with video games she had beaten that night)
Referee: Hey! Who are you?
Colette: I’m Colette! I just won the match!
Referee: No you aren’t, Colette’s a stupid blonde. You have black hair and aren’t stupid...well, I’m assuming you aren’t as stupid as Colette.
Colette: WHAT-DID-YOU-JUST-SAY?!?!?! (pulls out wings and throws all of the video games she beat at the referee)
Referee (muffled): Okay...you win...just get all this crap off of me...holy wagawaga, you’re strong...(bell rings)
Lloyd: (wakes up) Zzznwha? OH MY GOD!! COLETTE ACTUALLY WON THE MATCH!!!
Colette: (flies up to the commentators’ booth) What? So you didn’t think I could win? Huh?
Lloyd: Umm...why can you see me? It’s a one-sided mirror...(closes eyes and huddles in a corner)...you can’t see me...you can’t see me...you can’t see me...you can’t---
Colette: ---I’ve got angel senses, nimrod. Now could you please SHUT THE HELL UP? Pretty please?
Lloyd: Uhm...okay...
Colette: Good.
Part III: Genis vs. Presea vs. Zelos vs. Sheena
St. Jimmy: The real commentators had returned, licking their lips for remains of punch which they conveniently forgot to give to me.
Whatsername: And we’re back after that bizarro weirdo match! The bell is just about to ring to signal to start of the Fatal Four-Way Hardcore Match. In this match, you can win only by pin, death, or KO. If you kill someone, then you win. If you pin someone, whether with a weapon or your body, you win. There are conventional weapons such as guns and bombs scattered throughout the arena, and it is legal to use any of these at any given time.
Sofaspud23: So to no further ado, let’s begin the match!
Sheena: (Sheena’s music plays)
Sofaspud23: Introducing, the WOW! from Mizuho, it’s SHEENA FUJIBAYASHI AURION IRVING!!!!
Whatsername: I thought we decided it was Sheena Aurion Fujibayashi Irving...
Sofaspud23: Oh, you’re right. It’s SHEENA AURION FUJIBAYASHI...
Whatsername: Just forget it.
Zelos: (slow theme song plays as he walks into the arena slowly, and it speeds up to his fast music as he walks to the arena)
Sofaspud23: It’s the Loudmouth from Meltokio, the Gleaming Knight, the Princess Guard! It’s ZELOOOOOOS WILDER!!!!
Zelos: Thank you my fans! Thank you! (enters the arena)
Genis: (theme song plays) Great. I have to have the stupid song with the piccolo. Can somebody change this to something good? (song changes to All Star by Smash Mouth) That’s better! But wait, aren’t we only using Green Day songs in this chapter?
Sofaspud23: Ah, one song won’t kill us.
Genis: I guess not. (enters the arena)
Sofaspud23: Introducing the Study Harder! from Iselia, but originally from Heimdall and then was sent to the Otherworldy Gate and went to Iselia but was banished and now doesn’t really have a home...poor kid...it’s GENIS SAGE!!!
Presea: (Boulevard of Broken Dreams plays as Presea walks in complete darkness to the arena, as flames engulf the pathway to the arena. Then suddenly the lights turn bright pink and the Super Mario music plays while Presea jumps into the arena and does the Robot)
Derek the Demon Prince: Dammit! Why is the world mocking me? WHY?
Sofaspud23: Beats me. But the world likes mocking me, too. I’ve never been able to make paper out of a tree, and yet I seem to find paper everywhere I go. It saddens me.
Genis: Hey! How come everybody else’s entrances weren’t planned? Well, I guess Zelos’s and Colette’s were...
Presea: Oh, you didn’t know? Half of the backstage was a Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio. It’s honestly really hard to miss.
Genis: I didn’t see it...
Sheena: Neither did I...
Zelos: I did!
Sheena: Okay, now that we’ve cleared up who saw the Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio, let’s find out who’s gonna win and lose the match. We don’t wanna hurt each other...much...(glares at Zelos)...so have to be really scientific when we’re doing this. So let’s...play Rock Paper Scissors!
St. Jimmy: So they played Rock Paper Scissors, and it took a while since there were four of them. But in the end, Sheena won and Zelos lost. So Sheena had to pin Zelos while Genis and Presea stood and watched.
Sheena: (gets in the pin position over Zelos) You’d better not enjoy this, you pervert!
Zelos: Finally! My dreams have come true! Sheena’s---OWW!!!
Sheena: (slaps Zelos as hard as she can, and then slaps him sixteen more times, then stomps on his motionless body)
Referee: Stop it! You win! He’s almost dead! (checks for a heartbeat) Nope, he’s gone. MEDIC!!!
Medic: (comes and heals Zelos)
Zelos: What? What happened? Where did Sheena go? Darn, and I would’ve gotten away with it, too. If it weren’t for you meddling kids and that hot, voluptuous---AAH!!!
Sheena: Keep talking Zelos, see what happens...(has a card at Zelos’ throat)
Zelos: What do you mean? I was...uh...talking about that hot...uhm...squirrel!
Sheena: Squirrel?
Zelos: Well, yeah...uh...I meant...Corinne! Yeah! That hot talking squirrel chick.
Sheena: CORINNE WAS A GUY!!!!
Zelos: She was? Oh....well, that....wasn’t really what I meant!
Genis: Then which talking squirrel did you mean? It can’t be a very big category.
Zelos: Then...dammit, you guys set me up!
Sheena: You’re the one who likes gay squirrels!
Zelos: Did I say squirrel? I meant...you! Yeah! You’re hot! Oh, crap...
Sheena: YOU JUST CROSSED THE LINE!!!!
Zelos: (dies and has to be healed by the medic again) What happened? All I remember is a--
Presea: Zelos, maybe you should just keep your mouth shut.
Zelos: But what happened? Did you cheat on your husband with me? Eh, baby?
Presea: IT’S A MOOD RING!!! And you know what? SHEENA! ZELOS IS STARING AT A PICTURE OF YOU IN A BIKINI AND DROOLING!!!!!!!
Sheena: YOU’RE DEAD, ZELOS!!!!!!
Zelos: But I’m not---
Presea: Sheena doesn’t know that. (evil grin) Tell her to slap you once for me! (sticks tongue out at Zelos and walks away, accidentally stepping on his foot)
Zelos: Oww! My gorgeous foot...
Part IV: Kratos and Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair vs. Everybody’s Worst Fear
Whatsername: All right! It’s time for the main event here on VIOLENCE!
Sofaspud23: That’s right! Here’s Kratos Aurion and Yuan...uh...Yuan vs. JBL and Ric Flair! And don’t forget about tonight’s sponsor, “Tales of Symphonia 2: Darkness Unleashed” on fanfiction.net! See what happens when Sheena is kidnapped by a mysterious warrior and taken to another world! Will Lloyd try and save her or just hang out and eat donuts? And if he eats donuts, what flavor will they be? Action/Adventure/Romance. Based on a true story. Rated T for teen: Some material may not be suitable for children.
Contestants: (Suddenly appear in the arena)
Kratos: Hey! What about our entrances? I missed Days of Our Lives because I was too busy with that Make-Your-Own-Entrance studio!
Whatsername: Sorry, but we’re running low on time so we had to skip the entrances.
Yuan: But everyone else got theirs!
Sofaspud23: Sorry, but that’s how it’s gotta be.
Kratos: Yuan, give---
JBL: I am a wrestling GOD. Hahaha!
Kratos: Great. Now Yuan, could you---
JBL: --hahahaha! Haha!
Kratos: Yu--
JBL: --hahahahahahaha!
Kratos: Could--
JBL: Haaaa! (long silence)
Kratos: Are you done?
JBL: Nearly. Hahahahahaha!!! Now I think I’m good.
Kratos: Okay then, Yuan--
JBL: I AM A WRESTLING GOD!!!
Yuan: SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET THE MAN SPEAK!!!!
JBL: But I’m a wrestling god...
Yuan: I SAID SHUT UP!!! You’re too fat to wrestle, Tubby. And Ric, what the heck? You’re an old fart on steroids and you’re still wrestling? Come on! YOU SUCK!!!
Kratos: Yuan, hand me a blindfold.
Yuan: Why?
Kratos: You’ll see.
Yuan: Sure, whatever. (hands Kratos a blindfold)
Referee: BEGIN!!! (bell rings)
Ric: (takes off robe to reveal tights)
Yuan: OH MY WAGAWAGAWAGAWAGAWAGA GOD!!!
JBL: Hey! I’m a wrestling god! (takes off jacket to reveal tights as well)
Yuan: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I’M BLIND!!!!!
Kratos: (is blindfolded) See? I told you a blindfold was a good idea! Sacred powers, cast your purifying light upon these corrupt souls. Rest in peace, sinners! JUDGMENT!!!! (attack hits Ric and JBL, causing them to die instantly)
Referee: They’re dead and Yuan’s blind! Kratos and Yuan win!
Kratos: (End of a Thought plays)
Yuan: (opens eyes) What? Where are you? Kratos! Kratos! Kratos, I can’t see! I’m really blind!
Kratos: Dammit, now I’m gonna have to get a new partner.
Mysterious Voice: Hold on!
Yuan: Scipio, what do you want now? I’m tired of you showing up as a mysterious voice all the time! WILL IT NEVER END???
Mysterious Voice: I don’t know what you’re talking about, maybe Ric and JBL’s ugliness has affected more than just your eyes. (teleports into the ring and the audience gasps, while Kratos backs away in fear and Lloyd’s scream of terror is heard from backstage)
Lloyd: AAAAAAHHH!! IT’S A CLOWN!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Kratos: What do you want? Leave me alone! Take Yuan instead!
Carnivorous Clown: I am one of the 25 elite Carnivorous Clowns.
Kratos: Holy crap! There are 25 of you creeps!
Carnivorous Clown: No. There 25 elite Carnivorous Clowns. There are millions of recruits.
Kratos: (starts crying)
Carnivorous Clown: And we want you to know that the 26 elite clowns are working for my main man Scipio. And if you’re trying to form picks with the Spiffy Summies, too. Then you’re our enemies. That’s just the way it is. So I’m here to give you a piece of advice, and you’d best take it to your heart, since this is coming from the big bad Scipio himself: Don’t even try it. And remember: I’m watching you, Aurion. ALWAYS WATCHING. (teleports away)
Kratos: (runs backstage, leaving Yuan stranded and blind in the arena)
Part V: What Happens After the Show
Rey: Yo, Derek!
Derek the Demon Prince: What is it?
Rey: You see that Sheena chick?
Derek the Demon Prince: She’s married. Didn’t you see the ring?
Rey: Yeah, I saw The Ring. It was a pretty good movie, but are you comparing her to Sumara or something? ‘Cause I’m not seeing the resemblance.
Derek the Demon Prince: No, I mean the ring that’s on her finger. I noticed it since I’m friends with the guy who writes down what everyone says.
Rey: For real? I thought that was a mood ring. But that’s not what I meant, anyway. You know that long lost sister of mine?
Derek the Demon Prince: The one your dad threw out of a plane when he was drunk?
Rey: Hey, ix-nay on the ad-day! I don’t want my fans knowing ‘bout that.
Derek the Demon Prince: Fine, but is that the one you meant?
Rey: Yeah, that’s the one. Do I have any other long lost sisters or something?
Derek the Demon Prince: Well, your mom did sleep around...
Rey: What the wagawaga did you just say? You betta shut your wagawaga-ing mouth and listen! I think she might be her. We searched all around that Gaoracchia Forest but we never found her. And when she was born and the doctor spanked her, she slapped him across the face. She was really pissed, man. I was three and I almost wet my pants. It was scary!
Derek the Demon Prince: That sounds like Sheena alright.
Rey: So what do you think?
Derek the Demon Prince: My opinion may not matter much since I really know the answer to your question but I can’t tell you if I’m lying or not so I just have to do what Sofaspud23 told me to.
Rey: Uh, what?
Derek the Demon Prince: Nevermind. Anyway, I think you oughtta get a DNA test.
Rey: Good idea. But how’ll I get her to agree to a test? I’ve been scared of her ever since she was born!
Derek the Demon Prince: I’ve got friends in high places. I can make it work.
Rey: Thanks, man. You’re a true friend. But remember: Ix-nay on the ad-day. Okay?
Derek the Demon Prince: Anytime, man.
Part VI: Quote
Today’s quote is in remembrance of a man who died of heart failure earlier this year. We will always remember him and give him a special place in our hearts. Here it is:

“Viva la raza! I lie, I cheat, I steal!”

I never really knew him or was ever a huge fan of his, or really even watched his show all that much, but I could tell he was a good man. Good luck.
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