Tuesday, May 1, 2007

the disease called love
I feel lost, inside myself.
an emptiness I’ve never felt before.
I want to fight, I want to run to her.
but I’m chained down to this place,
I am held in place by bonds I cannot break.
I want to be with her. I want to hold her in my arms
but my desires only bring me pain and fear.
I gave her my heart. but I fear I will never get it back. if she is close to me I’m warm like a sunny summer but when she’s gone its cold as ice and frost or snow.
when she’s with me I am bright as day. but when she’s gone its like the darkness, lost inside a cave.
I want to fight for her, with all I’ve got and never give up till we have forever.
I want to run to her. and never stop. till I'm holding her in my arms safe and sound.
but these chains that bind me. bind me here. like shackles on my hands and feet they hold.
I want to break away. and be by her side. holding hands as we grow old.
this is love, this is my misery.
A joyful tragedy of blissful pain.
This is love, this is my effigy I won't give up on you till its to late.

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Dream-Scape
On the way back in the bus I had a dream..
It was a strange one. But I want to share it.
The dream started like real life..

I was rideing in the bus back to the ship.
Then there was a accident.
And I was put in a coma..
But.. I wasn’t there.. my spirit had come out of my body which is why I was in a coma.
I didn’t realize it at first till I was floating above the scene looking down.
As they rushed me to the hospital.
Then only one thought crossed my mind..
I wanted to see you.
As a spirit I was able to travel very fast. And I was there in Hawaii in no time.
But that’s when I ran into a problem…
How does a spirit ask for directions.
Then I found a computer café..
Somehow I was able to type still..

So I waited till someone left a computer on and walked away.
I got on msn and only ellen was on.
I didn’t have time to explain so I asked how I could get to her from where I was.
She told me and then I was at her house..

Somehow I convinced her to open msn and I talked to her by typing and her talking back to me.
Then when she didn’t believe it was really a spirit and not me playing a joke on her I told her to hold up a digital camera and turn on nightvision.
Then I “stepped” (do spirits step?) in front of it and she almost screamed till she noticed I was waving with a goofy smile.
She couldn’t really see me clearly.. just a blurry grey outline but she could tell it was me.

Then she called you.
And somehow over the phone you could hear my spirits voice.
I got quick directions to your house and told you to wait by a computer.
I left in a hurry as ellen tried to explain what she could about what happened.
I got to your house and your sister was on but you were nearby
I watched you patiently.
Wishing I could kiss you.

I brushed the hair from your face and you looked around like a gust of wind had done it..
Then I whispered “I Love you” in your ear.
I didn’t expect you to hear it but you did.. just barely.
And you turned white.
You wanted to say my name but were afraid what your sister would do.
I was as surprised as you and knocked your pencil on the floor (you had been sketching while you were waiting)
as I quickly backed up. Through the table…
I don’t understand how I effected the pencil and not the table but I did.
Maybe it was my strong desire to communicate and a pencil being a means of that.

You picked the pencil up and wrote in small neat letters “are you there?”
I whispered “can you really hear me?”
And you wrote “Yes?”
In reply. I kissed your cheek and watched as it tickled you and made you smile a little
Then told that I love you again.
Your sister finished on the computer so you got on.
We talked through typing some. I still whispered from time to time.
I kissed you a few times then you said you wanted to see me.
I told you about the camera thing but you said your camera didn’t have nightvision.
Then your mentioned something about water.

You changed into a swimsuit. Then poured a cool bath.
Then laying in the water with your ears underwater I spoke to you.
And you could hear me clearly.
Your face lit up as I talked your ears off you knew it was me for sure.
Then still laying on your back you submerged your whole head underwater then opened your eyes.
To see me. Leaning over the tub. With on hand behind your head as if supporting you gently
I told you I loved you. Then you sat up quickly.
As tears and water streamed down your cheeks.
You told me how happy you were I was hear but sad that it wasn’t “real”
As you looked down in the water you saw my reflection trying desperately to dry the tears I couldn’t touch.
You smiled at my silly attempts
Then told me you loved me.
And were so happy I was there.
But that you wanted me to be here for real one day.
So I should go back before I can’t go back to my body.
I said you were right.
Then I asked for a kiss.
You closed your eyes and felt me kiss your lips lightly.
Then said goodbye.
If a spirit could cry… I was…
As I wisked back to the hospital to see my body in the ER.

I was dead.. my heart had stopped.. and the doctor was just putting away the paddles.
I felt myself being pushed away like to magnets of the same polarity
I tried so hard. I pushed. And finally I touched my body.
I pulled myself back in and took a deep breath.
The monitor beeped.
The doctor stopped and took a second look at me.
And I woke up.

We were still only half-way back
But I couldn’t help but smile and blow you a kiss

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Saturday, March 17, 2007

call it what you want.
my head spins in confusion.. I don't know what to think
I turn the water on and splash my face in the sink.
try to wake myself up from this twisted little dream.
sometimes I wish things weren't exactly how they seem.
my head still spinning softly now the voice still telling me.
everything is messed up, things aren't what they used to be.
no-one around me feels the floor fall out as I tumble to the ground.
no-one feels my heart skip beats as it tries to helplessly not to drown.
my sadden sorrow soaked tears, they fall.
and moisten the cold steel floor.
only thing I ever wanted was a little more.
I work my hardest so they work me hardest.
I do what’s right so they do me wrong.
I don't know how I have survived this for so long.
I need a little break for now.
just let me rest my feet.
I’ve been running to keep up with your expectations
the ones no-one could ever meet.

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

a pointless post
after the complete lack of support in my last post.. and the fact that no-one seems to read this i think i will abandon this and no longer make my feeble attempts to update. don't worry i will still try to pop in from time to time to check on other peoples pages. but don't expect updates from me anytime soon on mine since it doesnt seem to matter even if i do..
thanks...
~Sol
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Monday, February 19, 2007

Falling Apart at the seams.
Things have been really stressful lately.
I feel like im barely holding on to a lot of things..
my sanity.. my temper.. my girlfriend..
I feel like I've lost what was my biggest support. the one good thing going for me.
I haven't lost her yet. and I'm fighting as hard as I can. but theres only so much you can do from the other side of the world.

I can Use any Encouragement you guys can give me..
also any bleach episodes.. the last one I have is 107 =\

well.. guess I'll just keep on keep'n on..
~Sol
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