Thursday, September 1, 2005

Taste of Onion in the Milk...

Comments! Azure: I'm not in college any more- I've just finished. There are people who I can practice with, but generally I'm confident enough to do anything much. We only had a short time to rehearse that fight though and it kept being changed, so I couldn't really work it into memory properly. It was good fun, though ^_^ Kei: *hugs* Me too. It's not nice being under continuous stress >.>; Sami: Haha, I have even better pictures if you want them ^_~ Pyro: It's not co much enthusiasm as... getting caught in the moment, heh. When you actually start performing, there's so much adrenaline ging through you that you just do it, even without thinking. Hence the infamous 'Me-almost-getting-killed-in-Bouncers' ordeal two years back ^_^; I'm working on those battles, too. More sleep is definitely helping, heh. Sara: Mmm, I was hoping I'd get away with that ^_^; Seriously, it was what I needed to see/read. I'd been wallowing in my bad thoughts and feelings for ages and a decent kick up the arse (although unintentional) was just the medicine. But I'll always have a habit of taking those things as applying to me anyway even if I know they don't. It's just paranoia. And I'm working on that, too ^_^; My bed is actually the best thing in the world. I would advise people to try it. Hah, that came out wrong... or did it ^_~* Mimmi: The path to cleanliness would take a long time, methinks ^_~ Lady Lea: *hugs* I's missed you ^_^ Godel: I think I'll need a bigger shower if I've this high a pimping potential. Something tasted wrong in my cereal today. Halfway through eating it, I discovered that something hadn't been cleaned off the spoon (and I know exactly who doesn't clean stuff properly), leaving everything tasting vaguely of what I think (and hope) is onion. I feel rather sick. Having been landed with an extortionately huge phone bill a week or so back, I'm going to sort out my price plan today. I'm always wary of how much money I'm absorbing from family funds and I hate knowing that I'm taking more. It's my intention to save as much moolah as possible (outside anime CDs and DVDs, of course...) Eghh, I haven't really got much else to say. I didn't sleep very well last night- had a few nightmares that wouldn't let me settle, and it was steamy hot in my bedroom. And not in a good way. Anyways, I's off. Please take time to admire the new layout and colour combination ^_^ See you soon! *I've got to stop these innuendos >.>;

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Wolf Returns.

Comments! 13th August Hevn: I know, but it's hard to keep that in mind when you can't escape from your feelings, heh ^_^; Mimmi: With Romeo and Juliet and Herstmonceux out of the way, things should quieten down a lot from now. Hence why I'm actually here, heh. And I wish I didn't have to feel like that, either >.> James: Yeah. Being human isn't such a bad thing after all ^_~ elfpirate: I'm sure I could argue that point, but everyone has their own reasons for wanting or not wanting to get into a relationship. The problem is, like you said, that once you've made a decision, things always come along to compromise it. The main thing is to be sure that you do what's right for you, even if it perhaps means going back on what you've already decided. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, if you're ready. 16th August molletta: *hugs* Bruises themselves don't make me happy, but in a way I like the stories I get to tell about them. Old war wounds, and all that ^_^ Monkey Orange: Rest is something I'll be working on for the next week or so. I'd hope to expect much more activity in me from now on, heh. Pyro: I'd have loved to have done a shot like that. Had we had time to film a whole load of out-takes, I'd have had so much fun... Still, I'm sure there'll be plenty more opportunities for things like that, hehe. Hello everyone ^_^ Sorry it’s been so long. [I actually wrote this up yesterday but couldn't post it. Damn notwork...] I guess I’d be stating the obvious if I said I was still recovering- it’s pretty much a staple phrase in every one of my posts at the moment that I’ve been doing something ridiculously strenuous in my absence. Burning the candle at both ends I have been, and feeling the effects I also do, considerably. Well, er… I’m not entirely sure where to start. It’s been a long time and my social anxiety with regards to OB and MyO has flared up again despite knowing there’s no reason for it. Of course, actually being able to access the site in the first place would be handy- this is on MS Word at the moment… Anyway, filming with Pyro was great fun and I’d love to do it again sometime, once I know when I’ll have some time off and when she won’t be in Sheffield, heh. It’s a bit further than St Albans ^_^; …and not trouble you. Taking part in Romeo and Juliet was great, and also quite interesting when looking at the performance on a professional level rather than just an amateur (as in college) view. The process of coming in for the half-hour call, getting dressed, waiting in the wings and then eventually emerging on stage was much the same as anything we’d done in college, except the props were much more expensive and the stage was a darn sight more technical. And performing in the open air certainly provided some unique experiences. If it was too wet and rainy we went inside the parish church instead- both of the last night’s performances went that way, ore to the pity. But it just wasn’t safe otherwise. On the Tuesday evening when I ran on with everyone else for the curtain call I almost slipped up, and the fight at the beginning was rather treacherous, too. We weren’t allowed to use any of the swords in any of the fights- mine was unarmed anyway, but the guy I fought pulled out a dagger partway through –and I ended up being repeatedly punched in the stomach. Which was fun, but the impromptu brutality almost had me corpsing. In another tradition of mine, I injured myself during that as well, this time throwing myself on stage far too eagerly when punched to the ground- I jarred my back and ribcage, making it painful to breathe for a few days. And that was at the beginning of the run, so I had to keep doing it for another five performances >.>; The rest of the cast were fantastic- both the professionals and the community actors. Lovely lovely people, all of them, and I get to go to see them in the show at the Nuffield Theatre in Southampton for free cause we acted with them ^_^ I’m looking forward to that. There were some nice bits I always wanted to see but didn’t have a chance to as I was backstage. One particular passage stood out in my mind when I read the over during rehearsals. It’s from Act 2, Scene 6: “These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness And in the taste confounds the appetite: Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.” I think too much sometimes. I had one day to recover after all that before having to go off to Herstmonceux. Rather than leaving on the Saturday, which I was expecting, Paul ‘reminded’ me (I had no recollection of him ever mentioning it) that we were, in fact, going up on Friday at 10am. I was not best pleased, especially as I was banking on having another day off to rest my back. Alas, it was not to be, and I was whisked off for another marathon of physical exertion. We are the Knights who say “Not the Face!” Setting up camp is always a bitch of a job. Normally when we do these events at Arundel I’m sat at the bottom gate letting cars in, which I actually prefer cause it means I don’t have to do anything too strenuous. I just don’t get to sit down. I’m desperately looking for a decent medieval stool that’s easy to carry, heh. Once the camp was set up (after moving it twice and trying to organise where everyone else would be by using polearms and items of clothing as markers) we had a brief sit-down before various admin tasks were carried out. The organisation of the meetings is quite shocking. We were told it was due to start at seven but it crept to a magnificently damp start at eight thirty-five. This unfortunately happens with almost all of their meetings and musters. But if you turn up late, you get bollocked. The safety briefings precede every battle (which is fair enough), but you stand around for about twenty minutes before they even start. And to be honest, the people with the microphones are the only people I know who can make a medieval castle siege sound like a bloody snooker match. There’s barely a sense of drama to them and the levels of character are lower than your average game show contestant. It’s just not very good, on those terms. The battles, however, are (usually) a different story. Especially if you’re up against a platoon of Czech warriors in full plate armour who insist on charging directly into you. Now, I’m physically fit, but repelling a six to twenty masses of roughly 36-stone each is not easy by any means. There was a point on the Sunday morning where we almost had to be asked to be killed- there is such a thing as being too timid, heh. Safety when attacking is important, but running away from your opponent’s blades is just daft. It’s hard to believe you’ve been killed when all you feel is a slight prod. Maybe that’s why some people never take their hits- they know they’re not been hurt, so don’t believe it was an actual killing blow. My shoulders had more or less completely seized up by Sunday evening, but thankfully Paul and I were leaving then, so I didn’t have to worry about any more battles. The trade fair wasn’t great- I bought some drinking vessels and some linen for mum, as well as some fruit wines (strawberry and apricot- both very nice, hehe. The only alcohol I’ve looked forward to drinking). Chykka and Blogg are bastards! Today, then, has been a Metroid Prime 2 day for the most part. I feel stupid just sitting on my arse playing on the GameCube and listening to L’Arc~en~Ciel all day, but, to be honest, I haven’t felt like doing anything else. Physically I feel drained and emotionally I’m still not feeling right. Mum’s worried that I could develop arthritis. I was worried about that too, but I wanted to ignore it cause I was under so much pressure anyway. I’ve been ordered to eat fewer tomatoes, increase my glucosamine intake and eat cherries. I wanted to increase my glucosamine anyway since my knees had been clicking every time I took a step, but fewer tomatoes and more cherries? That’s a hard one. I love tomato (in soups and things) and cherries really aren’t my thing. That’s made me rather unhappy even though I know I’ve been building myself up for it by doing all this physical crap... and punching walls probably wasn’t such a good idea, in retrospect… It’s at this point where I was going to type something else, but after having seen someone’s signature I’m not sure I want to ^_^; I’m paranoid at the best of times and even though I know it’s not meant to apply to me I just don’t want to see myself slotted into the same category, heh. It’s nothing I haven’t said already anyway. But all the same… I just need to get over myself, really. Internal battles are the hardest to try and win, because there’s very little you can do physically to help them along. I was just going to lie in bed this evening, content in my apathy, before I hit myself in the head, turned off the music that was depressing me and actually started typing this up. It’s pointless being miserable over something that’s so easy to change. The problems still stand, but now I should hopefully have the energy to deal with them. I’d feel happier if this was actually going in MyO’s ‘Add Post’ box, but I have to make do with the rather unfriendly Word page, heh. Never mind. Anyway, I hope you’re all well. I’ll try and catch up as soon as possible. *hugs* take care, y’all ^_^ I'm off for a shower. Anyone care to join me? ^_~[/dirty]

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Dinosaur Fiasco

Tired. Last two days absolutely fantastic. Previous two days not so much so: too much heavy lifting and back-straining. Will hopefully explain more tomorrow, if time allowed... Bruised, tired and happy (and forgetting to reply to all those comments... I'll do that next time, too, I promise), I'll see you later. Take care *sleepy smile*

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Saturday, August 13, 2005

A Dissertation of the Soul

Monkey_Orange: *hugs* I know. It was the drive home that really put me in a bad mood. Some drivers are copmpletey irresponsible. Mimmi: *hugs* Thank you. Azure: You're more than welcome to overstep, heh. Not that you were anyway. But you are right, and it's something that is frustrating me more and more. The stupidity, indecisiveness (however it's spelt) and whatever else referred to me; at the moment I'm having to do my work from home and I know I'm not putting in as much effort as I should be simply because I'm at home. But as well as having an abundance of distractions to waste time with, the time I do have is constantly being eaten away by other things that I have to do- more often than not I'll be called out to help someone do something or I just decide that seeing as I can't concentrate on work anyway, I might as well do something that completely takes my mind away from it. It's a terrible mindset to have, especially as I've deadlines coming towards me very quickly. Once I'm in an office, everything'll be fine. And then we come down to relationships, which probably dig into my mind more often than work stuffs. I don't have time for a relationship. I know that, and right now I don't particularly want one. At least, I say that. But every time I see someone with a partner who I find attractive I just find myself loathing them for being so lucky. It seems as if all of the friends I have here (except Lawrence, who's all but vowed himself to celibacy) are constantly finding lovers, and... I'm not. But I keep telling myself that there's no point me trying to look for someone because I won't have time for them and I'll only be spreading myself even thinner. But every time I go out a fantasy seems to play out in my head whereby I find someone who's absolutely perfect and I spend a lot of time getting depressed just by looking at people in the street rather than doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Whenever I do sight someone who, on first glance, is pretty nice, my mind flashes up with these big neon lights that say 'DO SOMETHING'. But I don't act on it because I don't want to. In terms of situation, I don't need it. Physically and mentally, well... I couldn't say what effect it'd have. I've had relationships in the past- three of them, sort of. But for whatever reasons they didn't work out; I can remember everything I did wrong in each of them and it's made me hypersensitive to faults in other people that would affect me. The only person I've found nearby who I know is interested in me turns out to be a stalker-crazy-psycho-person-with-a-big-mouth-and-piercing-laugh. Having her constantly try to phone and text me has really put me off answering the phone, among other things. It's only human to feel wanting of physical proximity, isn't it? I shouldn't be so hard on myself for just wanting something that feels natural. But for some reason, I am.

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Friday, August 12, 2005

I am in a BAD mood.

I hate cars. I hate drivers. I hate pubs. I hate drinking. I hate loneliness. I hate relationships that I don't have. I hate losing things. I hate awkwardness. I hate untidyness, indecisiveness, stupidity and lack of time. I hate being harassed and rushed. Today wasn't actually too bad a day. But I am in a very hateful mood right now.

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Saturday, August 6, 2005

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr Spielberg...

I am quite annoyed that the photographs of me on the Raven Tor site and the various others affiliated with it all have pictures of me that don't look very good. I think I'm just being picky about my looks, but other people have said I'm very photogenic and... I don't see it in those, heh. I would provide you with a link for a decent example but I'm too embarrassed, heh ^_^; As usual, things have been terribly busy here. this is about the first time all week I've been able to sit at the computer and type something out that hasn't been work-related. I would have done something decent last night but unfortunately my printer decided most emphatically that it Did Not Want To Be Installed, and thus it wasn't. Stuff you, PCs, I'm getting a Mac. And another PC. For my games ^_^; Driving so much is getting to be quite a pain. I virtually live in my car now and it doesn't feel right. My grandfather's also coming down... *cue moment of horrible realisation* ...tomorrow. Oh God, I didn't realise it was so soon. AGH! My room is in an absolute state as well, which doesn't make relaxing very easy. Unfortunately, any time I do have is taken up with everything else so I can't tidy up. I'm not even doing anything and I need a bloody holiday >.> On top of all that over these last few weeks I've been harassed by someone I met at our final party. She wouldn't stop phoning or sending text messages despite me telling her that I wasn't interested. She hasn't tried phoning toay, which is a minor plus point. I hope she's taken a hint... I hope this doesn't put across the impression that I'm depressed or unhappy or anything. I'm just busy, and unendingly tired. *hugs* Take care ^_^ *sleeps*

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Monday, August 1, 2005

NMP- Not My Problem

...and suddenly, that was it. I didn't realise it was going to happen so quickly. Ah well. It is a great weight off my shoulders... or at least it will be when I've stopped feeling so shocked, heh. Time to really work, I suppose. Thanks for having me, James ^_^

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Sunday, July 31, 2005

Bouncy Castle Drivers

I've not felt this physically exhausted in a long time. if I never go to another bloody re-enactment event again it'll be too soon. I did enjoy it, but boy, do I need to rest.

I think I'll just sleep for now and update properly later. I know there's a lot to do (especially with regards to replying to people's emails 'n stuff) and Clandestine's been horribly neglected, but... I just don't have the energy, or the time.

I hope everyone's well.
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