Sunday, January 30, 2005

Sick to my Head

Well, flu viruses never seem to do things by half. That's the main reason I've not been active over these last few days- it's a really nasty bug that keeps coming back. My sister's worse hit than I am, but I have a trip to London to be well enough for so I'm trying to rest as much as possible. My CD didn't come out as well as I'd hoped. I had one song that was due to be on the second compilation that corrupted every time I burned it to CD, and now I found that one of the others I'd downloaded does the very same. I would try converting the format from mp3 to RealAudio but guess what? I need to subscribe to RealOne Premium to do that. What a bloody rip. Even though there's a 14-day free trial they still ask you to send up your credit card info as if you actually want their premium services permanently... Awkward Silences I guess I have been trying to avoid certain issues of late, which was why my updates of the last few weeks were so sporadic. I'm not sure I know how to get through them, or maybe I'm just convincing myself of that because I don't like either of the outcomes I'm faced with... Ah, that does sound melodramatic, doesn't it? ^_^; Sorry. I'm just worried it's gong to affect things I care about, is all. I'm sure it'll be okay in the end- I just need faith. But please don't ask me what it is. If I need to talk to someone, rest assured I'll come to you. And I know there's at least one person I can talk to, heh. I would hug you, but I have lurgies *quarantines self* See you soon.

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Friday, January 28, 2005

From bad to a different kind of bad...

Having recently moved to a more alleviated state of mind, I've caught some nasty virus thing that makes my head feel like it's entirely blocked up and my nose, throat and... various other bits are in feelings of extreme discomfort. And I still completely threw myself around the room in the Gilgamesh rehearsals ^_^; In Other News... Since I haven't anything substantial to update with, I have sporadic news in bits and pieces. Sorry for the disjointedness of it all, heh. My new red and black jacket is very cool. In fact, it got a bigger welcome than I did when I walked into college today. Go figure o_o; I'm working my way towards a third anime theme/j-rock/background music compilation CD. I try for about 78 minutes of music on each CD. At the moment the third edition of 'Solo's Best Collection' is looking like this: READY STEADY GO (FullMetal Alchemist) Strength (X TV) sayounara (L'Arc~en~Ciel) The Last Song (X-Japan) Heart of Sword (Rurouni Kenshin) Tank! (Cowboy Bebop) Warriors Blue (Kenshin- orchestral) Purehearted Emotions (Rurouni Kenshin) Theme of Saiyuki (Gensomaden Saiyuki) Sobasaku (Rurouni Kenshin) Midnight Blue (Slayers Motion Picture) I'll also put on a few Outlaw Star and .hack songs, seeing as I've missed them off previous collections. But if anyone has any recommendations as to some really good songs that I don't have then I'm all ears, hehe. Sage updated today- go and see him because he's cool. *hugs Crucifix* I haven't had the chance to thank you for the hugs you sent out to me when I was feeling bad. So thank you, hehe. You rock ^_____^ Selective Shout Out: (I'm not trying to ignore people here, but I can only think of some things to say right now- brain is in a state of non-function). wrist cutter: I was hoping you'd get the reference, hehe. White Feathers is easily my favourite L'arc~en~Ciel song. Aleia: A something or other sounds very good right now, actually ^_^ Azure: Will do, heh ^_^; I'm off to rest now. I have a whole three days off to relax and get myself better for the coach trip to London on Tuesday. Even though the show's supposed to be the scariest thing ever, I'd rather have my passages unblocked of their own accord than by a nasty shock...

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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Please tell me the way to the sky...

Thank you everyone. I can't express how much it really means to have you behind me, but it's a heck of a lot, and that in spades. I owe many people many things ^___^ Today was more interesting than the last few days, which helped ease things a bit. Although I still feel as if there's only one or two people at college I can really, properly call 'friends', it's easier to deal with if you can distract yourself with something you enjoy. Of course, reminding yourelf of friends in other places is never a bad thing either ^_~ *hugs* But when you spend most of your day around other groups of friends who all mingle and interact, there is a tendency to feel somewhat extraneous to everything. The thing is, I don't consider myself an antisocial person. I love company, but I tend to listen more than I talk which doesn't lead me to get noticed and picked up much on a group scale- one to ones I'm fine with, but any groups larger than about five and I often find myself getting left out unless there's someone there I feel particularly close to. As friendly and fun as people can be, they don't always realise how much someone else could be feeling excluded. I'm very conscious of people who aren't doing or saying anything or seem fairly detached from everything else and I'll do my best to include them as much as I can, or at least make sure they're okay. Out of Whack Do you have any particular fantasies that you play over in your mind? Perhaps not a specific event that you want to happen, but a scenario or emotion that interests you particularly? Oddly enough, when I picture myself talking to someone in an imaginary situation about something I feel internally very strongly about, I'll imagine myself to be crying. And I can gear myself up for these conversations happening in real life and I can almost convince myself that I'll burst into tears. In a way I've wanted to for about three years but nothing's ever happened- I feel moderately resentful for that, especially as I see characters in anime crying their hearts out bloody left, right and centre. But when it gets nearer the time... I calm down, and I figuratively laugh at myself for wanting to be so melodramatic. I'm not trying to put down people who do cry- more often than not it can't be helped and it's good a have a release of emotion anyway, but wishing for yourself to break down in such a way just seems... silly, in a way. But then again, being able to feel so strongly about something that it does happen seems appealing to me. I've always been open, but some of the more important things I feel I need to say get left behind. What do you think- does crying make you appear stronger, or does holding it in retain a better resolve? I guess it would depend on the situation and how you go about dealing with it. Regardless of your outward display of emotion, your inner feelings, drives and motivations will always speak more about you than anything else. Perhaps I've been looking at this too superficially, heh. Must eat now. Thank you again- for the hugs and figurative kicks up the arse. I need both, I know I do. I'm tired of being depressed, heh. *smiles again*

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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Forever Love...

X-Japan. mou hitori de arukenai toki no kaze ga tsuyosugite ah kizu tsuku koto nante nareta hazu dakedo ima wa... ah kono mama dakishimete nureta mama no kokoro wo kawari tsuzukeru kono toki ni kawaranai ai ga aru nara Will you hold my heart? namida uketomete mou kowaresouna all my heart Forever Love Forever Dream afureru omoi dake ga hageshiku setsunaku jikan wo umetsukusu Oh tell me why All I see is blue in my heart Will you stay with me? kaze ga sugisaru made mata afuredasu all my tears Forever Love Forever Dream kono mama soba ni ite yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete Oh stay with me ah subete ga owareba ii owari no nai kono yoru ni ah ushinau mono nante nani mo nai anata dake Forever Love Forever Dream kono mama soba ni ite yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete Will you stay with me? kaze ga sugisaru made mou dare yori mo soba ni ite Forever Love Forever Dream kore ijou arukenai Oh tell me why Oh tell me true oshiete ikiru imi wo Forever Love Forever Dream afureru namida no naka kagayaku kisetsu ga eien ni kawaru made Forever Love I don't think I've ever felt this lonely in my entire life. And it's my own stupid fault. Still, life goes on, as they say...

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Saturday, January 22, 2005

One down...

...and I don't really know how many more to go. Could be anything from two to five, depending on how Star Wars and Samurai turn out, hehe. The Wind in the Willows had its epic last performance on Thursday evening, and it went really well. Unfortunately, we then had the epic-in-a-much-less-enjoyable-way after show party, and I felt it was decidedly crap. I have found a new hatred for drunken parties, some of which had been relinquised when I went to a half-decent nightclub a few months ago. And now the sequence of events, in no particular order It's going to be odd, no longer doing the play. It was only two weeks but suddenly it felt as if we'd been doing it for years. And now it's gone it feels almost like a dream. Fourteen performances went by so quickly, even though at times the waiting for entrances was much longer than anticipated. I really loved it, even moreso than Alice in Wonderland because everyone seems that much more mature. Yeah, you still get the odd unprofessional gripes; people just not being bothered to put any effort in any more or complaining too much about this, that or the other. I was tempted to tellthem to hut up and get on with it seeing as that's what I'm so used to doing. You're going to have to live with or under some kind of regime at some point in your life and if this is really what you want to do then you have to be comitted however many inconveniences it gives you. I'm starting to think I believe in karma. A performance seems that much more wholesome where something goes wrong or I gain some kind of injury/shock story to tell everyone. If I tally up my injuries from the show, they are as follows: -Seven bruises on my right inside thigh, caused by the table -A graze on my left knee -Seven or so splinters on my right hand from pulling the barge rope -Bruised ribs from landing on a tankard during one of the fight scenes -Hitting my chin on another tankard during another fight scene -Safety pin pricks to hands and heel from having to secure the too-big kung-fu shoes to my socks -A bruised right elbow, don't know how that got there -A bruise on my left forearm, same -Crap hair -My right thumbnail torn -My right index finger with a slit down it from when I tried to cut aforementioned nail off -Bruised middle knuckles on left and right hands, one from punching a door and another from hitting a wall when opening another door And that doesn't even include what happened on Friday morning, but I'll get into that in a bit ^_^; I love it, simply. It must be a good sign for me to go into Stage Combat if I don't mind everything that happens. Obviously I don't want to collect an injury so big that it results in my incapacitation, but little things are okay. I always seem to be falling over something, heh. But it's different to re-enactment- there I'll be incredibly careful not to gain injuries; not only do they hurt more, but the circumstances are different: it's not rehearsed so if something goes wrong it's not as easy to get out of it. I've not been as well-trained for it as I might like to let myself think, and not everyone else is as competent with their weapons as they should be. Being bigger, they aren't likely to improve much, either. That's why I can't afford to make any mistakes in combat. Haunting Memories, Feelings Reborn Not the kind of things you'd normally asociated with aftershow parties, ne? I guess it depends on the type of party. Okay, for the first hour it was pokay. I ate a sandwich I'd bought for myself earlier and had two drinks that I'd bought specifically, and that was it for my indulgence. I wasn't drunk, but I could tell I'd loosened up enough to dance and not care too much about what eeryone else thought. The music started getting louder and louder, and eventually I was reminded of those times I'd been in nightclubs not enjoying myself with people who'd had so much alcohol that I couldn't really call them the friends I knew any more. They retain bits and pieces of their personality, but the rest of it's lost in seas of fundamental interaction- they don't care, simply enough. I'm not against anyone having fun; if that's what they want to do then i won't stop them, and in a way I envy their ability to be completely egotistical, to lose social inhibitions and be free with themselves. But Ican't let myself do that through alcohol. if I can't be free with myself as a normal person, I don't feel it's right for me to force myself to do it through some intoxicant. And, I was so bloody knackered I just wanted to go to sleep. if I hadn't drunk those two drinks I'd have left altogether, but I went downstairs and tried to get some sleep. And god, immature drunk people are the very worst. They don't even try to be the least bit considerate when it comes to interacting with other people. The older guys (who were in my class) were alright- even when smoking cannabis they still acknowledged that I wanted to sleep and let me do so. The rest... I don't even feel I can be bothered to go into, it just annoys me so much. And there was so much of it, too. I got about four hours' sleep. I suppose if I hadn't just done 3 performances in a row and if I didn't have to be in collegethe next morning I could have let myself go a bit longer, but I was too tired and my responsibilities as taxi driver for the next morning took over. If I was going to crash, I didn't want my friends to be in danger with me. We left in body at about nine in the morning- where our minds were was another question altogether. Some people's were in a state of stasis, locked in place by alcohol, others were still drunk, and some just didn't want to come out to play. Lawrence and I had been called in to start work on Gilgamesh, which we did. And that was the best part of those two days- two hours working on the seduction of Enkidu and the fight between Gilgamesh and Enkidu. Fantastic stuff, hehe. Marcus has some fantastic ideas and the way he presents them I can feel is helping me develop my own skills and become far more confident in what I do. I'm really looking forward to this, hehe. I suppose the funniest bits for me were the times when Marcus would demonstrate a wrestling hold or throw on me. Since he couldn't use the girls and Lawrence was too tall (and since I was the one who was going to be in thet position anyway), he showed everyone what he wanted through me and the demonstration of power was intense. The seduction bit was too, although there was very minimal real physical contact. Thankfully though, I didn't have to act that out with Marcus. As great as he is, heh... I think I'm just about over this nasty cold, too. For a few days my throat and nose felt terrible but it seems to have cleared. Although from all the smoke on Thursday night and five consequtive days of having to do Ferret Fred's high-pitched, strained voice, it's still rather hoarse. I can't do as good a Louis Armstrong impression as I could two nights ago, but it's not far off ^_^; Anyway, I must take the dogs out now. I apologise for my lack of activity of late- I would have been online yesterday but our network went down, leaving all of the computers out of extended communication reach. That's fixed now, as you're probably able to tell ^_^ *hugs* Take care!

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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I'm not ill, I'm just not well...

That about sums it up, heh ^_^; But leaving you with just that would be very bad of me. And Kei, I'd never leave permanently without saying goodbye first. I promise you'll know if I've decided to quit the net. The Wind in the Willows is moving along quite quickly, but every performance amounts to something different. This morning started off terribly because everyone was either depressed or ill (and myself being rather considerably ill and fairly depressed didn't exactly help, but I have reservations about feeling sorry for myself when everyone else is doing exactly the same thing and it wasn't aided by the fact that I had no breakfast, either), but this afternoon's was just... odd. Certainly eventful in terms of things happening to me, anyway. It started off okay. I'd been lying down underneath the tables in the dressing room playing with the fluffy baubles hanging from someone's scarf when I went onstage first, to frighten a couple of hedgehogs. The second time, all of the Wild Wooders run on, scaring off Albert and stealing a wheel from a caravan. Two of us decided to run up the rather narrow stairs at the same time, causing both of us to almost come crashing into about seven audience members. Luckily, we avoided that catastrophe. But... when we terrorized Mole, there's a point where I'm supposed to grab his hat off him and play 'keep-away' with him and the rest of the nasty ones (this casts's mole is about six feet tall, by the way). As I went to grab it, I missed the hat, and as I landed the other side my shoe (with me still being firmly attached to it) decided to slide out from underneath me. The scene's supposed to move quickly, and Mole had to pretty much give me his hat himself because I hadn't managed to ^_^; Ah well The next time I was on stage was during the court scene. It's probably my favourite of the lot due to its writing and the way everyone's characters interact with each other. But I have to get up and chase Toad about a bit before catching him and shoving him in his chair along with two others. I heroically leapt over my chair, tangled with the police officer (which I was supposed to to) and then grabbed Toad by the arm and helped drag him to his chair. While Toad was hopping backwards, though, he managed to headbutt me in the jaw and caused me to slip over yet again once he'd sat down. I have about six splinters in my hand from that rope I hold off-stage, and that's added to the inconvenience of having slit my finger on a pair of scissors yesterday while trying to make the best of a ripped thumbnail (again, mine). In the final scene, we thought it'd be funny for Weasel Norman's character to spit water onto me, as I'm lying on the floor and he has a drink over me. I was okay with it, heh. I hadn't quite anticipated how much water there was going to be, though. After swimming my way back upstage we came to the fight scene, whereupon I realised that there was still a hefty amount of water in the tankards on the table, which I get thrown onto by Badger (who, incidentally, has one of the best voices ever. Incredibly sexy). I got very wet. But thankfully the bruises on my leg haven't been hit again- every run we did last week I hit it in exactly the same place and it was really getting painful, but so far this week I've missed hitting it. Touch wood, haha. On top of that I have a wretched cold that burns my nose and dampens my hearing/voice/overall enegry levels. This morning I was sure I was going to throw up, but after the run I felt much better and more energetic. But it's worst when I'm lying down, which makes sleep irritatingly awkward. Roll on warmer climates... Intensive Acting is not good for you if you're ill ^_^; But text messages from Teh Ben and letters from Aleia are very good for lifting your spirits ^___________^ I shall reply, and with all the swiftness I can manage. *coughs*So with any luck you'll get something before March...*coughs* Take care ^_^

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Sunday, January 16, 2005

*sits quietly*

It has been a while now, heh. I'm not entirely sure where to start. A lot's happened these last few weeks and it's thrown a lot of things into perspective for me, both privately and publicly. But anyway... I had a fantastic time staying with Mimmi- I really needed the holiday and I came back with some fantastic stuff, hehe. My moose is currently watching over my bed and the Kenshin DVDs have barely left the player since they've been here ^_^ I'll have to put the pictures up sometime, perhaps this afternoon in case anyone's interested. But at the moment I'm reluctant to commit myself to saying anything because I can't get a lot of it done. As a result I'm not signing up for any more RPGs and the caption competitions I've pretty much resigned from anyway (not that they're a matter of great consequence). After I returned I got straight into rehearsals for The Wind in the illows and it looked pretty shambolic to start with. People couldn't remember their lines and the set wasn't actually finished until a day before we were due to start. Things haven't been very well organised and some people on the course are starting to blame our tutor, but it's an incredibly short-sighted view. I don't think they understand a lot of the difficulties involved with this sort of thing. Still, come Monday last week we finally got into the theatre and were able to do bits and pieces of an actual rehearsal in the theatre, but because of various technical complications (i.e. the floor being painted), we couldn't do much. We stayed until about 8:30 that evening. Tuesday was devastating. We were supposed to do two dress rehearsals and three techs, or something like that, including the ones we'd missed the previous day due to the set not being complete. We started at 10:00am and the first technical rehearsal finished at four in the afternoon. It took six hours and we still had two dress rehearsals to do. Eventually, at 10:53, we finished. And I had to get up at 6 to get ready for the first performance on Wednesday morning. I was considerably irritable that night and I had some weird nightmares. So, the first few performances came and went and generally they were okay... except the vehicle that triples up as the caravan, car and train kept breaking down either just before it was due to come on or as it was on stage, prompting some improvisation to try and cover for it. On top of that, the drivers (one in particular) frequently crashed it into bits of the set, moving and damaging it at the same time. And there was a good amount of malarkey with the food during the party scene; a friend of mine choking on a sandwich on stage forcing me into fits of giggles and me also being the target of various edible projectiles. The Friday evening performance was the best in terms of my own character, I thought. I just felt more into it and the energey appeared to show. Although that might have been because we were being assessed at the time ^_^; I suppose that's all I've been doing. Annoyingly I've caught a cold that's been floating it's way around the college and I hope it's not going to affect my voice any. I hate feeling ill, heh. It just makes me very angry. Scars of Experience I've felt myself changing over these last weeks. It's hard to tell whether it's anything serious or just a temporary thing, but I've had to prioritise elements of my life according to what I have to fdo. I hate having to be so mechanical about everything that i want to be a part of but practically some things just don't work out that way. I wasn't even able to look at OB until yesterday morning and even then I couldn't do much. And I've missed so much on people's MyOs I don't know if I'll actually be able to get back into the swing of things. I could be egotistical and ask a question now, but I'l save that for when it's actually needed ^_^ See you soon.

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Saturday, January 15, 2005

Will add post tomorrow, heh. Spent too much time doing very little ^_^;

And am now typing with one hand cause am on phone. It seems I rarely do things by halves these days.

*hugs* See you soon.
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