Saturday, December 18, 2004

*kills broken record*

I'm working my way there, slowly. But I'm not going to bother talking about stress because I know people have heard enough. I'm not trying to ignore it and live in ignorance that it's happening, but being constantly obsessed with how bad things are is a terrible way to go on living. So, to Brighter Days I took my little sister into town today so we could do some little bits of shopping: I bought the X OVA, Half-Life 2: Collector's Edition *squees at Sennen*, an Aliens vs Predator poster and Sense and Sensibility. Anything with Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman in it has to be nothing less than orgasmic. I really hate Christmas shopping. not only does the amount of people in a particular place quadruple at any one time, the amount of stuff you can actually buy halves and everyone seems to lose all concept of spatial awareness. They see the shops and immediately dive in to desperately claw themselves a gift for their aunt's sister's mother-in-law's cat without even thinking about the person coming up towards them on their left. I walk fast and alwats keep a clear view in my head of where I'm going, but at least I'm not dense enough to either stand dead still in the middle of a corridor or bump into people like a drunk possum. Half-Game I've had so many problems with Half-Life 2 I'm tempted to just throw it away. Don't get me wrong: it's a great-looking game and I've been wanting the chance to play it for lord knows how long. But the thing won't bloody work!. It crashes whenever it loads a new section, meaning I can ony get so far on the first level before I have to restart the computer and try all over again. And there's a problem with the textures: every so often large areas of ground or wall get replaced with this black wallpaper with coloured spots on it. Although pretty, it's not what I want to see. And at the moment there doesn't seem to be a way of fixing either problem. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them. "Buy a new computer" seems to be the most ideal solution, but I know it works at least some of the time. It's incredibly frustrating. What's a little more infuriating is that the Half-Life: Source edition is barely any different to the first original game: it doesn't even have the 'High Definition' Pack enabled. Hmm... at least I got a nice big tin, T-Shirt and book. I've not watched X or Sense and Sensibility yet. I'll probably do that during the week sometime, when I'm not with Jeremy, heh. I wish the Christmas holidays were longer. 18 days isn't really enough, especially when four of those days are bank holidays and everyone's jetting off to do things with everyone else when they have time away from jetting off to see other people. I just want more time to stay in bed, heh. At least until my body and mind have fully recovered from all this stress. I don't think I'd want to go back to college if I weren't ready to face it. I guess that goes without saying, though ^_^; I wish everyone all the best. Hopefully I'll be able to get on AIM tomorrow afternoon at some point, although I can't promise anything. It could get quite busy here, heh. Toodles.

Comments (9) | Permalink

Thursday, December 16, 2004

I Want My Money Back.

Kudos to anyone who recognises the song reference there. I still feel pretty screwed, and it's chiefly because I'm having to try and slot myself into an entirely new schedule. Especially this past week I've been experiencing far more of 'real' student life, and I must have slept at home for only three nights over the last six days. At the moment I'm floating between realities, it seems. It's such a comfort to come back to MyO and spill everything out abou how I feel here, because I know I can explain it fully and properly without misinterpretation. Whenever someone has asked me in person whether I've been feeling okay, all I've been able to answer is "I don't know". I'm incredibly scared that I'm losing my ability to articulate my thoughts. Sometimes I've been looking for a specific word and it's just not come at all. I don't remember that happening so frequently before. It doesn't help that I've been ever-so-slowly pulling away from Lawrence, when I thought things were really quite solid. I guess we're both noticing our own independence more now, but it doesn't help that we don't talk much any more. Maestro, if you please... I guess the best place to start would be college- tomorrow's our last day of term (thank god- I don't think I could manage another week), and the rehearsals have been pretty intense. Everything about it makes me feel tired, and when I'm tired I can't build up the strength in my diaphragm to send out my ferret-laugh, so it all becomes rather lacklustre. And there's the socialising after college too, which always goes on for longer than necessarry and prevents me from eating a decent meal. Me and not eating healthily is a very bad combination, especially with added factors of stress and tiredness. I'm going to pump myself full of fruit this evening and see how that makes me feel tomorrow. Of course, driving hasn't gotten any more relaxing, even with more experience. I seem to encounter more viciously crap drivers, one of whom had the f***ing audacity to stick his finger up and sound his arse-horn at me for slowing down coming up to a roundabout. Forgetting my compassion for a brief moment, people who drive like that deserve to be in accidents. But it's not just them that's being bad- I hit the kerb twice whilst driving around on Tuesday, one instance of which actually had me driving on the pavement. I just completely lost concentration, and it scares me that I could have such a serious lapse. laely my addled mind's been referring to me as a crap driver; as much as I know that's not true, I have to try and buck up before I get involved in a serious accident. *grabs silver lining* BUT everything is not all bad. I finish college tomorrow, and have about three weeks off; a third of which will be spent somewhere incredibly nice ^_~ My bedroom is actually tidy. It's nice to be able to properly relax in a mess-free environment. I just need to work on the sitting-room now, but with my little sister in there I doubt it'll happen any time soon... The closest highly-anticipated event has to be this, though: JEREMY IS COMING BACK FROM AMERICA ON SATURDAY! God, I've missed Jeremy so much. I hadn't actually quite realised the extent of his absence until his return was drawing nearer, heh. He's only back for Christmas so I won't get to see him that much, but just being able to take him and Lawrence on one of our stake-outs is going to be so nice. So I'm looking forward to that. But until I fit myself back into a new routine I am going to be pretty stressed throughout, heh. I'll get over it, though. Especially with friends like you ^_^ I can't thank you enough for being here for me. Now, to bed. Place of nightmares, dreams, fantasies and everything inbetween... but not crackers. That's just messy.

Comments (8) | Permalink

The importance of eating good food Lies in retaining good mood. Eat nothing but fat And right off the bat You'll get yourself into no good. I've ascertained that eating sporadically and unhealthily is not good for me, heh. I knew that already, but on top of... whoa, everything else it makes for a deadly combination. I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday like I promised I would (*hugs Aleia and Mimmi*). I still have some PMs to catch up on, but once I've done that I'll put something decent up, heh. See you soon, everyone. I loves you ^_^

Comments (4) | Permalink

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Bursting into tears would feel really good right now...

The problem is, the more I think about it, the more I think I actualy will, and I don't want to do that here. You'd think that making yourself visualise things that make you laugh would take you in the opposite direction, but at the moment that doesn't seem to be doing anything at all.

I think I'll just listen to some loud, fast rock music. Something like Forever Love would just finish me completely.

Ignore this post, please. The real one's below.
Comments (8) | Permalink

Under Pain of Death by Order of Mimmi

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Solo 2. Soley 3. Hugo THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: 1. Solo Tremaine 2. Solaris 3. PinkJuice THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. My loyalty 2. My compassion 3. My perceptiiveness THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. My paranoia 2. My lack of sleep 3. My lack of reliability THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. Australian 2. Swedish 3. Irish THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Family and friends being hurt 2. Tornadoes 3. Idiot drivers THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. Music 2. Sleep 3. Food THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1. Cyberdog T-Shirt 2. Stonewash jeans 3. Comfy Bridgedale socks THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment): 1. X-Japan 2. L'arc~en~Ciel 3. Gackt THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT: 1. "hitomi no jyuunin"- L'arc~en~Ciel 2. "White Feathers"- L'arc~en~Ciel 3. "Wa-su-re-na-i-ka-ra"- Gackt THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS: 1. Getting more sleep 2. Finish Enter the Net 3. Taking martial arts and horseriding lessons THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given): 1. Trust 2. Understanding 3. Common interests TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (if you can guess the lie, you are amazing): 1. I have a leather mini-skirt 2. I am lazy 3. I am ruggedly good-looking THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: 1. Long hair 2. Bright eyes 3. My sort of height THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO: 1. Dance 2. Forgive myself for hurting someone 3. Spin plates THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: 1. Writing 2. Acting/singing 3. Swordfighting THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: 1. Sleep 2. Sleep more 3. Wake up THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: 1. Actor 2. Fight Director 3. Voice Actor THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. America 2. Australia 3. Canada THREE KID'S NAMES: 1. Rufus 2. Aaron 3. Sara THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Have sex 2. Learn to play a musical instrument other than the kazoo. Or even the kazoo, actually. 3. Go to an Anime Expo. THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY: Trying to find people who haven't already done this is quite frustrating, heh. But people needn't feel obliged to. 1. Heaven's Cloud (Charlie!) 2. Shinmaru Karmi? 3. Kei So that's that done. I hope I won't die now, heh ^_^; I estimate that I've had about five hours' sleep over the last few days- I just can't get to sleep properly. I hope that I'll be able to relax enough tonight, else I'll be in bed for hours just getting more and more agitated. I'm sorry I've not been around- that's pretty much why: I've been so tired lethargy's just prevented me from doing anything, and on top of that I've been driving around a fair bit, too. Thanks to everyone who replied the other day ^____^ *hugs everyone tightly, including Charlie and especially Azure ^_~* Take care. And sleep. It does you so much good.

Comments (5) | Permalink