Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I've made myself ill, heh. Apparantly I've not been eating or sleeping right, which is why I'm feeling off today. And probably why I was feeling off yesterday, too. I think it's just sparked from stress at college and not enough sleep at home. If I take things easy today I should hopefully be alright for college on Friday. At the moment I'm wandering around the house with a duvet and blanket over my shoulders. It's far more unweildy than a cloak >.> I know I've been insensitive. Something hasn't felt right about myself for a few days now and I can't quite tell what it is. I don't like it. It's hard to wish for things to go back to normal when you don't actually know where normal stands ^_^; Ah, I'm sure it'll be okay. And I'm sorry about yesterday's post. Lots of stress. *hugs* I'll see you soon. Take care.

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Money, Money, Money... *KILLS IT*

I hate the way things cost so much. Specifically, things you really really want. Everything to do with this year has had me eating away at my parents' money like a hot knife through butter. The driving lessons alone must have gotten well into £1,000 and there's everything else on top of that- the money for food, re-enactment, transport... when I look at it, it gets ridiculous. And I'm given £150 allowance on top of that each month too. My god. I really have to start limiting myself on what I do. They're still paying for petrol for me and I feel stupidly helpless doing it all. I've not even started sodding [had to censor that a bit, heh] Drama School yet- lord knows how much that'll be. I'm going to downgrade my phone contract for one thing, and I think I'll even make my own packed lunches rather than buy from college all the time. It's just so... frustrating. Especially as my mum insists on paying for everything and makes me feel guilty about it at the same time. Geez, if I paid for it in the first place you wouldn't be short of money and I'd be working under my own steam for once. But oh wait, where does my money come from? I need to work this out.

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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Lickety-split.

Current Music: S.C.A.R.S- X-Japan Current Mood: Ill, like an... illie o_o; Last night was fun, save for a few points where one or two people either wouldn't shut up or walked off because they thought everyone hated them even though nobody seemed to have given any indication to reach that conclusion. What can you say to people when they decide that (if it's not for attention purposes, that is)? It hurts the people who are thought of as being hateful, because unless they do actually hate you and make a point of it then the chances are you're pretty good friends. At least, when you're at a cosy sleepover then that's probably the case. Gah, everything was sorted out alright in the end, though. We played an ancient boardgame from 1982 called Dark Tower. Does anyone remember it? It's good fun, but the computer thingy we were playing with broke and wouldn't allow any final combination of keys to actually get into the tower and finish the game. Silly thing. We gave up after about twenty goes each. But for lots of reasons (and others), we didn't get to sleep till 4am, and as a result of not having had much sleep the previous three nights I am now ill. And I hate it. I might just start my ultra-violent Daemon Stalker RPG to spite it >.> I'll have you some pictures once the weather's cleared up. I'm at home all day tomorrow so if it's sunny (or at least dry), I should be able to have some taken, heh. Once I've eaten, slept and pumped myself full of various things to help my immune system, I'll log onto AIM. See you soon, heh. EDIT: Oh yes- dad's changed the setup of the computers now. So if he wants to go online with his laptop, all of the Broadband ones go down. So there's no question of the actual connection- I may have to disappear if he decides to do something work-related. Which he should be entitled to do- it's important. But it's annoying that the setup that once worked now doesn't. That aside, I'll probably see you later, heh. *curls up inside duvet*

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Saturday, November 20, 2004

*SWOOSHES CLOAK!*

Current Music: Shades of Revoltion, Samurai X OVA OST Current Mood: Good, but misplaced. I can say that with the utmost confidence now, knowing I actually have a full-length black cloak with a collar that I can swoosh around in the most spectacular way, hehe. Today was the Coventry re-enactor's market today, and today we took Dan up with us so he could get an idea of stuff he might want to get and also to see if there were any practice swords we could lay our mitts on. Everything I bought was cloak-like in some capacity. I got a Casaque (Civil War jacket which can be unbuttoned everywhere to form a cape), the afore-mentioned long black cloak that's apparently ver 'Darth vader', and a green one for my medieval character. Oh, and a cloak pin. I was going to write more, but I didn't think it was worth putting up after all that, heh. I'm not trying to break myself away from MyO and OB. Far from it- spending so much time with Dan recently (and I'm going to his house again tonight) just made me realise how easy it can be to neglect it, and that's something I don't want to do. Anyway, I'll see you all soon. Shin, I have something for you next time I can get to you, heh.

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Thursday, November 18, 2004

Another World

Current Music: Tears, X-Japan Current Mood: I wasn't so good until I finished this post. Now I'm better. Well, my three-hour driving lesson was mildly eventful. Seeing as I was pretty much told to find a set destination by myself, it's no wonder we got lost three times, heh. But that was part of the exercise- to see how well you coped with driving in a 'real' context. But now I feel sick because I ate too much, which is my own stupid fault really. And numerous other things are bothering me too, but I don't think talking about them here will do much good, heh. That's not to say they're deadeningly serious or crucial; I just feel they'd get along better if I stayed quiet. For that, and other reasons, I'd officially like to resign from TehSillyCircus2. It's been great fun, and to be one of the last four is something I didn't actually expect, heh. It's no shame coming runner-up to Shin, Ben or DDG. But it's becoming more of an annoyance than a challenge now, and although they may be alright to read I don't feel my posts are as good as they could be, nor do I have the time to analyse them properly so that they are. Really, I need a break, heh. So that's what I'm going to do once I've finished this. Dead Ground That was a term I learnt today during my Pass Plus lesson, and it's quite interesting: it defines a patch of road ahead of you that you can't see because you're either going up a rise or down a hill. Quite the metaphor, methinks ^_^ What do you do when you get frustrated? What do you think? How do you get out of it? It happens to the best of us at the worst of times. If, like in certain anime series *coughsDigimoncoughs* these feelings were to manifest themselves into some kind of physical form, they'd be bloody devastating. Even when contained inside a person's mind they can be bad enough. There've been times where I've felt as if I wanted to give up the things I feel are most important to me, even though I know it's what I want. And I'll have a tendency to seek comfort by eating or reverting to bad habits I tried to get rid of ages ago. But depression and frustration does that to you. It's almost as if you want to be hurt- a sort of nihilistic attitude that makes you stop caring about yourself and everything around you. Unfortunately it's an inevitable feeling; you just have to make sure it's not a perpetual one. More often than not (and certainly here) it can affect people more than you realise. Something that upsets me most is knowing I'm not in a position to properly help someone. Personally, when I get frustrated I tend to want to escape into fantasy, delving into various daydreams, most of which see myself facing off against some expresiion of the frustrations that I'm feeling. At times I imagine myself dying heroically to save someone I love, or brutally killing someone who dared hurt or destroyed something I held dear. And there are dreams of 'real life', love, friendships... anything. I just need to escape into my imagination, and I always need music. What kind of music varies depending on the mood, but it usually starts off with something relatively melancholy and I build myself back up from there. Usually, it works well. One song progresses to another until I start being able to relax into a more obejective frame of mind. At one point I could go from Meat Loaf's Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back to Savage Garden's Affirmation in about three songs, but I have many more albums to slot inbetween now. And Art of Lifeis a session on its own because it's so long, heh. This is why I can get incredibly angry when interrupted during listening to my music. If I can't finish, it sets me off-balance. Assuming I'm at the right end of the scale, so to speak, it's not too bad. But then it depends on who's interrupting me and for what reason, heh. That aside, I find physical exercise is great for working out frustrations. At times I'll play on video games, but more often than not they'll only make me feel worse because they deaden my thoughts. I only play video games on setting I can beat, because I get more stressed if I don't have some kind of satisfaction at the end of it. I'm sure Shin and Alex will have different points of view on that, but it's what I do ^_~ Of course, talking about things in MyO also helps wonders, not only because it gets your thoughts set out properly but you have the chance for other people to respond and help you. That's what I like best. Coming out from the other side is such a relief. It's something I was talking to JJRiddler about a few weeks ago; although hitting rock bottom is hell when you're actually going through it, if you can comeout fully healed from the other side then youll be far better for it. A hefty emotional fall may be the most painful thing you've ever experienced, but you're given the chance to build yourself back up again afterwards in so many different ways. Eternal optimism. Be friends with me and get stuck with it, heh. Anyway, I may not update for a few days, although the chances are I'll find something to talk about anyway. But this is the last part of my official contribution to TehSillyCircus2. Many thanks to Shin for keeping me in despite MyO's servers kicking me off twice during its course, and to everyone who's kept track of it. Best of luck to Ben and DDG, too. Shin doesn't need it ^_~ Have fun, heh. EDIT: I am officially less geeky than Shin. I got a score of 595, making me a Level 3 ('true') Geek. Booyah, for whatever that happens to be.

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Now, we are free...

I had my first drive alone today ^_^ I would have had it sooner, but I didn't realise that I was still legally allowed to drive even though I didn't have my new pink license on me. It was a really strange feeling, being on my own in the car and driving. Especially in the dark, because I kept thinking about The Grudge again >.> But still, in some ways it was both easier and harder to concentrate on the road, because you don't have someone else to be your eyes or remind you that you're actually driving. It scared me a few times how quickly your concentration can wander. I could have hit a drunk person and been none the wiser o_o; Thankfully, I don't think I did. And I remembered my lights. But in times when it gets pitch-dark at five, you don't often forget. The Deflated Willows Rehearsals are getting long, boring and frustrating. When everyone works together and focuses, the scenes go really well and have lots of energy. But other times we're still not sure of lines and things go badly. Oh, I never renewed that book >.> Never mind, heh. And there've been more developments in other things, which may well affect my schedule over Christmas and the months following. I hope I'll be able to fit everything in okay. I'm tired, so will leave this update fairly short. Freedom is great ^_^

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Monday, November 15, 2004

All Roads Lead to Rome, Except the Ones That Don't...

The time of good luck-wishing is over! Let a new time of good luck-wishing begin! >.> Well, as some of you know, I had my second driving test this afternoon, and actually a full ten minutes before I thought it was. I'd originally noted it down as 2:40 rather than 2:30, so that was a bit of a shock. When you're tense, everything comes as a shock, heh ^_^; My driving instructor picked me up as he usually does, an hour before my test was due to start to give me time to relax into the car and get myself settled into actually driving around. After about five minutes, I adjusted my right wing mirror because it was out of line- the annoying thing about driving is that you set everything up while you're sat still, then you change to a completely different posion when you're actually moving, so you have to adjust everything all over again. Rrr. Anyway, that out of the way, we practiced a maneouvre I wanted to go over (reverse round a left-hand corner), and that went okay. Promising stuff, no? Apart from the few minor niggles that appeared later on coming towards my test, that is. I could feel the pizza toast I had fo breakfast rising high in my stmach. By the time we got to the waiting room I was sure I was going to throw up. Luckily, I didn't, and nor did I when I actually came to sit in the car. That would have been at least a minor offence. The instructor I had was none other than the guy who failedme last time- Big Jason ^_^; Still with his slightly slurred speech and reassuring voice and his somewhat imposing form when he sat down, he asked me two questions about the car- how to check the oil and check the Power-Assisted Steering was working. In a cunning show of foresight, I asked my driving instructor to go over this with me earlier, so I knew everything already ^_^ At least, I presumed I did. I think I did. We drove off. The hour before the test everything seemed really quite quiet, but then again we were around the more rural end of Chichester. The bypass wasn't quite as friendly, and junctions were almost always guaranteed to have people moving in and out of them just when you wanted to go. But go we did. Everything was going okay until we reached a hair-pin corner of a left-hand juntion where I had to brake around the corner to avoid hitting an oncoming silver car. Perhaps it was further away than I thought, but I figured it might at least be a minor for lack of perparation or something like that. Then came... THE MANEOUVRES! It felt like we went through the entire list of things to do, apart from parallel parking (thank God) and bay parking. The Emergency Stop wrenched me from the seat with a satisfying feel that I wouldn't have hit whatever imaginary thing the instructor imagined me to be imagining when telling me to stop. Reversing around a corner seemed to go okay until I suddenly became aware that a car had zoomed past in front of us and I hadn't noticed it. Bugger. Bugger bugger bugger. Observation in maneouvres is something they can fail you on even if you miss something as small as turning your head over your right shoulder every few seconds. That was forboding. but I tried to ignore it and carry on. Then came the clincher. Bear in mind that if the examiner interferes in any way, you fail instantly. It's been a cloudy day, but not overly dark. But we came to a road with a canopy of trees hanging over it, and as we travelled down the instructor said some rather ominous words: "It's getting dark earlier in this itme of year, isn't it?" I looked at the clock. 14:58. "Wow, yeah. It's only three pm." "It's almost becoming difficult to see cars on the road, especially dark blue ones." "Yes, I see what you mean." Me, of course, being totally oblivious to the fact that the car I was driving was dark blue, and also seeing the junction ahead, left the auxiliary controls where they were... ...after we pulled out from the junction, the examiner told me in a rather frustrated voice to put the lights on. Surprisingly enough, I managed to keep my composure while we drove back into the test centre and he finished off the paperwork before telling me my results. "Well..." he started. I looked around at the other learners taking their tests that day- all of them seemed rather downcast. When I first drove the car in half an hour earlier, there must have been five cars all wanting to come in at once, everyone having scheduled a test for this day. I didn't look at him, but watched the brick wall to my right. "...I'm pleased to tell you that you've passed, but by the skin of your teeth." I listened very carefully- I already knew where I'd gone wrong and I knew what he was going to say. Had the rest of the journey not been such a 'lovely drive', as he described it, he'd have failed me. I was just never to forget that having my lights on is a great benefit to other road users. I nodded ferverently and looked at my test report. Three minors. Three! I couldn't have hoped for a better result. I was expecing seven or so, but three?! Wow. He gave me all the bits and pieces I needed to fill in to get my full license and I took them with glee, approaching my driving instructor who shook my hand and drove me home. I phoned Mimmi as soon as I got back, then sent out hundreds of text messages to my friends to tell them all ^_^ I'm so relieved to have that out of the way. The red 'L' plates have been stripped from my car, all I need now is my red piece of plastic that will give me and my parents more freedom. *grins widely* I'm pleased.

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Judgement The Second

Well, at the moment I'm feeling anxious, mildly ill and hungry, but I can't figure out which is having the greater effect on my body ^_^; Once I eat somehting the other two will probably lessen enough for me to gain composure, so I'll do that when I can. I suppose falling asleep at 3am hasn't exactly helped much, but I have Mimmi to thank for actually getting me to sleep in the first place, otherwise I'd still be in bed listening to my compilation CDs trying to get to the Land of Nod ^_^; Among other things I'd managed to scare myself by thinking about The Grudge in the dark, but with some aggressive mental imagery I sort of put paid to any ideas any fictional things might have about disrupting my bedclothes. Thank you for all the comments yesterday and Sunday ^_^ It really means a lot to me. Now, I must relax, eat and exercise (although not at the same time- that would be... odd to say the least). Wish me luck ^_^

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Sunday, November 14, 2004

Brave Through

I was incredibly tempted to give up TehSillyCircus2 this morning, but after careful deliberation I decided that it wasn't going to make any difference either way, if only that by letting myself fall all I'd be doing is giving up on myself, and that's not what I want to do. Mistakes are inevitable. I just hope to make less now. Anyway, today's been very busy and I feel like I haven't eaten, despite the fact that I have twice and felt fit to burst wth both meals. I guess I'm just nervous about my driving test tomorrow. I have to wait until 1:40pm till my driving instructor shows up, so I have almost a whole working day to wait and fester until a semi-judgement. The drive Mum took me on (or I took her- although since she's supervising me it's kind of the other way round) this morning went well apart from a few minor problem with finding fourth gear- the car makes some really ugly noises sometimes >.> -so judging by that I should be okay. But I can't help but get more uptight about it. And everyone tells me not to worry- if I fail, I fail and I just take it again, no big deal. But it costs a lot of money to keep having lessons and I want to be free to drive about to avoid creating more work and stress for my parents. But if I concentrate on that I'll never pass, heh. I need to relax. Although bits of today have been fun, I still feel rather anxious. See you soon, heh. For now, I leave you with this, and will let you decide how appropriate some of the labels are. S Shaggy O Organic L Legendary O Outrageous T Technological R Radiant E Elitist M Mesmerizing A Appealing I Innocent N Nutty E Exquisite Name / Username: Name Acronym Generator From Go-Quiz.com

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Saturday, November 13, 2004

Guilty

Hmm, today hasn't felt very good. I just feel... well... like I've been negligent these last few days- last night especially. And I'm sorry. I really want to get online, but having Lawrence here it's akward to engage myself in AIM conversations while he's got nothing to do. In particular I wanted to speak to Mimmi and I'm so sorry for not being there. I guess it's just one of those days- I've been on the computer most of the time, which isn't too good a thing, and I got moderately uptight when I found I had to do all of last night's and this morning's washing up before even having had anything to eat. Mmm, I'm off to do something. I hope I can be forgiven if I've seriously offended or upset anyone.

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