Friday, August 20, 2004

ARGH!

Why are scabs so tempting? I can't leave the bloody thing alone! *straps hands to keyboard* I would put a plaster on it, but it's in my hair so it would be incrediby painful to have to sort out and I refuse to shave my hair. It's going to be cut soon anyway, but shaven is a definite no-go area for me. Anyway, in case anyone was confused by the fact that MyO said I'd updated when there was no new post- I deleted it, heh. It wasn't necessary any more ^_^. This is my update proper. By TehSillyCircus2, is it meant to have a specific subject to update with every day, or is it just continuing as normal? I think of a different idea every day anyway, but I don't often have normal update that warrant posting. So... meh, I don't suppose it matters too much. But say if I'm doing wrongs, Master Shinneh. Uman Beans! Human nature is a tricky business. Moreso the silly bits of it that appear for no reason. Specifically paranoia, absent-mindedness and... the one I can't remember. Let's start with paranoia... although you might be expecting me to do that, so I'll throw you off the scent by talking about absent-mindedness. ...Fallen for my subtley devious plan yet? Paranoia I dislike paranoia intently. Well actually, in some cases it can be good to be cautiously aware of what others might be doing or how you act might be affecting them/vica versa, but what I mean is the needless stuff. I tend to suffer from it a fair amount. It's nowhere near clinical, but often I find myself worrying over such tiny things, and I can get really upset about it. I'll watch every single word (and sometimes letter, if I think it's that important) I type and make sure it's in exactly the right phrasing to avoid problems. It's not just keeping up appearances or building a certain tone- although they do play a part, it's sometimes something less tangible. I get worried that people can tell what I'm thinking from time to time. If I notice and walk past strangers in the corridor, I'll sometimes make myself think of somehting completely different and more socially acceptable (often I daydream of scenarios in my Nazreal stories) until they've disappeared, as if I were actually speaking the fantasy out loud. It's crazy, but I can't help myself. And the thing is, I know they can't tell what I'm thinking. I guess I'm just conscious about being thought of as stupid- High School experiences coming along there. If I can think like they think when they're around, I'll stand less chance of sticking out from the crowd. Sort of a survival instinct, but a rather less practical way of doing it. If I could change colour or height, that would be useful. Absent-Mindedness Absent-mindedness is different to being plain forgetful in that your brain is away doing something else whilst your body remains on auto-pilot. I've successfully poured coffee into my orange juice through this ingenious innate mechanism designed to make me look dumb. And I've gone to look for knives in the fridge and went to the wrong end of school to go into a class I wasn't even in before now, too. I even missed a double Psychology class completely because my brain didn't engage to tell me that I was supposed to start at 11:15, not 12:35. Another thing I find frustrating is when someone talks to me and my brain completely switches off for whatever reaosn and I miss what they're saying. Usually I can piece together what it is, but other times I have to ask them to say it again ^_^; It's highly embarrassing. Now comes the slightly less psychological example (that I just remembered, heh)... Protectiveness I get incredibly protective over my family members and friends. So much so that when my sister tells me that she'd been bullied, I'll storm around the house conjuring up scenarios where I beat aforementioned bully to a pulp, either verbally or physically. This is one behaviour I don't mind so much because it shows loyalty and compassion, but there's another twist to it. Protectiveness can be a bad thing when it comes to petty items. When I was about... 11 or so, I used to feel threatened when my sister started liking things that I did. So I'd try and convince her that she wouldn't like them to allow me a better grasp of them. And I was right about milk- she doesn't like it, heh. But whether I was right or wrong was irrespective- I didn't want her to have anything that I liked. And I can't understand it. I was actually quite a nasty bastard at times, looking back. I never meant any of it in a nasty way, but it was ridiculously immature of me. I don't have that problem any more, heh. I guess I was just going through a funny phase. My sister and I are very accepting of what we both like, and we even offer each other other things that we might be interested in, which has led to me finding some really decent stuff ^_^. Digimon's an example- in some cases, my sister sees things before I do and helps me to notice what she has. It's great. It's unfortunate that not everyone shares the same state of mind. They can be so stubborn or defensive over their own ideas that they won't listen to anything new, or give any ground when it comes to other people trying to see something of theirs. I've seen some ridiculous arguments like this (and often they seem to stem from my parents, oddly enough). It's not frequent, though. But some people are like that all the time. I'm all for being protective when you need to, but is it really worth having a row over how you stir the spaghetti, or who took a specific type of chocolate from the box? I'm sure people can think of other behaviours which appear quirky or detrimental to human existence, heh.

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