Thursday, November 18, 2004

Another World

Current Music: Tears, X-Japan Current Mood: I wasn't so good until I finished this post. Now I'm better. Well, my three-hour driving lesson was mildly eventful. Seeing as I was pretty much told to find a set destination by myself, it's no wonder we got lost three times, heh. But that was part of the exercise- to see how well you coped with driving in a 'real' context. But now I feel sick because I ate too much, which is my own stupid fault really. And numerous other things are bothering me too, but I don't think talking about them here will do much good, heh. That's not to say they're deadeningly serious or crucial; I just feel they'd get along better if I stayed quiet. For that, and other reasons, I'd officially like to resign from TehSillyCircus2. It's been great fun, and to be one of the last four is something I didn't actually expect, heh. It's no shame coming runner-up to Shin, Ben or DDG. But it's becoming more of an annoyance than a challenge now, and although they may be alright to read I don't feel my posts are as good as they could be, nor do I have the time to analyse them properly so that they are. Really, I need a break, heh. So that's what I'm going to do once I've finished this. Dead Ground That was a term I learnt today during my Pass Plus lesson, and it's quite interesting: it defines a patch of road ahead of you that you can't see because you're either going up a rise or down a hill. Quite the metaphor, methinks ^_^ What do you do when you get frustrated? What do you think? How do you get out of it? It happens to the best of us at the worst of times. If, like in certain anime series *coughsDigimoncoughs* these feelings were to manifest themselves into some kind of physical form, they'd be bloody devastating. Even when contained inside a person's mind they can be bad enough. There've been times where I've felt as if I wanted to give up the things I feel are most important to me, even though I know it's what I want. And I'll have a tendency to seek comfort by eating or reverting to bad habits I tried to get rid of ages ago. But depression and frustration does that to you. It's almost as if you want to be hurt- a sort of nihilistic attitude that makes you stop caring about yourself and everything around you. Unfortunately it's an inevitable feeling; you just have to make sure it's not a perpetual one. More often than not (and certainly here) it can affect people more than you realise. Something that upsets me most is knowing I'm not in a position to properly help someone. Personally, when I get frustrated I tend to want to escape into fantasy, delving into various daydreams, most of which see myself facing off against some expresiion of the frustrations that I'm feeling. At times I imagine myself dying heroically to save someone I love, or brutally killing someone who dared hurt or destroyed something I held dear. And there are dreams of 'real life', love, friendships... anything. I just need to escape into my imagination, and I always need music. What kind of music varies depending on the mood, but it usually starts off with something relatively melancholy and I build myself back up from there. Usually, it works well. One song progresses to another until I start being able to relax into a more obejective frame of mind. At one point I could go from Meat Loaf's Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back to Savage Garden's Affirmation in about three songs, but I have many more albums to slot inbetween now. And Art of Lifeis a session on its own because it's so long, heh. This is why I can get incredibly angry when interrupted during listening to my music. If I can't finish, it sets me off-balance. Assuming I'm at the right end of the scale, so to speak, it's not too bad. But then it depends on who's interrupting me and for what reason, heh. That aside, I find physical exercise is great for working out frustrations. At times I'll play on video games, but more often than not they'll only make me feel worse because they deaden my thoughts. I only play video games on setting I can beat, because I get more stressed if I don't have some kind of satisfaction at the end of it. I'm sure Shin and Alex will have different points of view on that, but it's what I do ^_~ Of course, talking about things in MyO also helps wonders, not only because it gets your thoughts set out properly but you have the chance for other people to respond and help you. That's what I like best. Coming out from the other side is such a relief. It's something I was talking to JJRiddler about a few weeks ago; although hitting rock bottom is hell when you're actually going through it, if you can comeout fully healed from the other side then youll be far better for it. A hefty emotional fall may be the most painful thing you've ever experienced, but you're given the chance to build yourself back up again afterwards in so many different ways. Eternal optimism. Be friends with me and get stuck with it, heh. Anyway, I may not update for a few days, although the chances are I'll find something to talk about anyway. But this is the last part of my official contribution to TehSillyCircus2. Many thanks to Shin for keeping me in despite MyO's servers kicking me off twice during its course, and to everyone who's kept track of it. Best of luck to Ben and DDG, too. Shin doesn't need it ^_~ Have fun, heh. EDIT: I am officially less geeky than Shin. I got a score of 595, making me a Level 3 ('true') Geek. Booyah, for whatever that happens to be.

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