Thursday, May 5, 2005

Backlog

Comments! 23rd April Roxie: I'm really looking forward to the London Expo. I've no idea how big it's going to be, but I'm not expecting much. My friend told me about it and he's mainly going for his wrestling fix... I'll leave him to it, in which case ^_^; I'll be sure to let you know what it's like, heh. Hevn: I can never see yours, and I can't get to any part of dead-seraphim anywhere at all. It's really annoying... But I always keep checking. Shin: Hehe, cool beans ^_^ Crucifix: *knows* Panda: When I see him I'll mention your name, hehe. Although how anyone in the world could not already be friends with you is perplexing to me ^_~ Monkey Orange: *shakes finger* no shame running, heh. It'd be great to see you, mind. I can't wait to get out to America sometime... Lady Lea: Good luck to you ^_^ I've heard some crazy stuff about conventions, but with everyone else who's going I'm sure you'll enjoy it! 26th April Kei: *hugs* Thanks ^_^ Shin: That's true. I always fantasize about being good at all these things, but really it's more practical to be better at fewer. Jack-of-all-trades but master of none, eh? Raven8763: Mmm, it's good to see you, too ^_^ Although I don't think I'll enter in for the competition. I'm a little busy at the moment, heh. After the summer, maybe I can hone my skills more. iluvsasuk: Heh, fair enough. I'm sure competitions like that are run fairly regularly. if you can find the right contact, you may not even need a competition to get what you want. 1st May Shireishou: Thank you! Pyro: I know how important sleep is, but at the moment the things I have to do (or that I let myself get involved with) don't lead to a particular routine. If anything, it's a month's cycle with the same bedtime recurring once every 30 days or so (and that also goes for something rather more irritating that happens to my body... er, not periods, heh). But I never do work past 9 in the evening. My next 'day off' is... Oh damn. I was going to say Monday but I've just remembered I'm at someone else's house all day ^_^; Agh... Crucifix: Yerr, damn them! *shakes fist* I've not felt truely awake in some time. My eyes always feel as if they're slightly less closed than they usually are, and there's a strange floaty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Mind you, I have just eaten lots of soup... Hevn: Maybe. Sometimes I just don't have the strength to brek myself out of a habit. My older sister had (and still has, I think) a habit of sleeping in late when she doesn't have work. But sleeping too much is just as bad ^_~ DDG: I've had dark rings since I broke my hip when I was eight. They've waxed and waned, but they're still there. But darkness always makes me sleepy, heh. mind you, too much sun makes me lethargic. I guess I just can't make up my mind, heh. Monkey Orange: Yeah. I know that those nightmares I had was because of me having a rather bulky supper so late at night. And I couldn't help thinking of what you'd said, heh. I'm never eating that late again. At most I'll have a glass of milk and keep a banana or something next to my bed in case I wake up starving, but that'll be it. Thank you ^_^ *hugs* 3rd May After reading through all of these there's really very little I can do to reply wholly to them, but everyone's helped so much ^_^ Pyro: Yeah, I'll look into the counselling office they have next to the Union. I've no doubt they'll be able to help, but I wanted to ask here first. I needed guidance from the people I trusted most, heh. I'd never ignore my emotions. Most of the time they're what drive me on. Karmi: That's true. The amount of time I've been spending with people and interacting with them (most of them guys and quite a few of which are gay) has affected how close to them I feel. But even before we were getting so close, there was a guy that made me think "If he asked me out, I would say 'Yes' even though I'm not gay," because he is such a great person, and I'm sure I'd love being with him and being close to him. It still feels a rather alien concept, though. I mean, I've always been more open to flirting with men than women because of my confidence but there've been few men I've thought about in a sexual way before. I've had dreams, but they weren't conscious fantasties. Now, I'm almost comfortable with the idea of being in bed with a guy, but there are some things I wouldn't do anyway. It may well be confusion. Some time away from college will give me time to breathe ^_^ Kei: *hugs* Ah, I wish I could have shown them to you. I was so pleased. Alex: Yes, I was thinking that. I know I love all of my friends and I would much rather have a relationship with a girl (were I a girl I'm sure I'd probably be bisexual, though, heh) but... I'm still confused about it. I'm not scared of finding out something I didn't know before, but it'll take some working to figure out. There ain't no quick fix. Hevn: *hugs plushie tightly* Yeah, I've no intention of making any brash judgements. Lord knows they've gotten me into trouble before, heh. Thank you ^_^ *hugs* Mimmi: There's certainly that element of sexual-ness tied to it. I don't know how ready I would be to advance into something likethat with someone from the same sex, though. As has been said before, it'll take time. The work really did pay off though, for the performances ^_^ Lovely stuff. Far from Tranquility Thank you for commenting, guys. It really means a lot to me. I'm still not entirely sure of myself, but I know how my feelings have been fuelled by various events over the last few weeks/months. Loneliness, for one thing. I very much isolated myself from a lot of social interaction a while ago, and being brought back into a hugely friendly, incredibly close and open environment so quickly has been a bit of a ride. I still feel a little edgy in some places. At the same time I've felt in more need of close personal contact with someone but have been almost denying it to myself at the same time. I've not felt confident enough with myself to talk to anyone I've had interests in and similarly I almost don't feel I deserve it anyway, not that I really want to explain why. And with everyone I know going all over the country, there'd be no point in building myself up for something that would become virtually impossible to maintain for anything longer than three months- a bigger disappointment. Also... there's a friend of mine who keeps saying that there's something he wants to tell me, and I'm sure it's that he loves me. He keeps dropping clues about, and when he took me outside yesterday to try and tell me a few things he just skirted around them and I didn't manage to draw any kind of conclusion other than that he noticed I was lonely. And that's a bit of a hint in itself. There have been other things too, but really... he's one of my best friends, and my love for him won't extend to anything beyond what it already is. I think... it's a very deep, spiritual understanding of one another, but it's not sexual. But even then I can't be sure that's what he wants to tell me and whenever we have a conversation on the phone it feels so awkward. I know there's something he feels he can't say and at times I just want to escape because I'm afraid of what'll happen if he does. I know if he did I could explain and help him out, but I don't know how he'd react if I said no. Confusion reigns supreme in my mind. But in a few hours I need to give the first of the stage combat workshops for the Year 11s and I can't remember what it is I'll need to say. It's only two hours and a fair amount of that will be warm-up exercises, but even so... it is daunting me, heh. Takees care, lovelies.

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