Monday, March 14, 2005

I have something really important to tell you guys . . .
How many of us can honestly say we know what love really is? To be honest, what I thought I had figured out by a year ago wasn't quite on the mark. Over the past year, though, I can honestly say that I truly know what it is to love and be loved by someone . . .


Everyone, this is going to be a very long post. This will be the only time I will ever do this at this site . . . but please. I ask you to read this. All of it. This involves a close friend of ours . . .


Now, we kept things a little tame on myO for obvious reasons, although a few of you still figured it out for the most part. The question is: what sort of a relationship would you say Shanny and I have? Heh . . . that's probably gonna open up a pretty bad can of worms, so I'll just answer now. Without a doubt, Shanny and I were best friends, closer to each other than most people we lived near, with a sort of spiritual bond that definitely formed between us as the two years we knew each other ran through.

Of course, last April she got married to a pretty cool guy who was definitely much more capable of taking care of her than I ever could have. I'm not trying to get weird here, I just want to explain that as close as Shanny and I were, we obviously never went too far with anything. For this reason I can say that she taught me exactly what it means to love without being in love . . . and believe me, even when you're not in love with someone, the bond you can still create is stronger than many . . .

Despite being three time zones away from each other, I wanted to be there for her every step of the way. I was there at the beginning when we were e-rolling in the e-mud with everyone else. I got to watch a little later with the formation of myO's first real "cult", and when we all chatted together as we watched "Return of the King" sweep the Oscars. I was wishing her well when she came down with pneumonia, and congratulating her when she became a "Mrs.". I kept her company when she was diagnosed with Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension; when the dizzyness, headaches, and nausea kept her from sleeping and eating, when she despaired and feared that she would go blind, and when the pain overtook her to the point that she couldn't even move. I was with her every time she was basically paralysed and had to wait the hour at home for her friends to come and take her to the hospital. I was there when she broke off her friendship with the man who was doing no good in her life, and even went on to assault her physically. I was there every night she could barely keep awake from the long periods of work shifts at the lab. By chance I was also there to stop her the night the illness and stress had her ready to take her own life . . .

. . . . . I wanted to be there even if it was just so we could talk . . . even if my recurring MSN messages were only to say "go to sleep!" . . .


So why am I bringing this up? Fact of the matter is, that sort of differentiation is not exactly the most clear-cut out of all of 'em. I bet a good chunk of people wouldn't be able to really understand the difference . . . . . Shanny's husband being one of them, at least in our case . . .

Fact is, maybe I did go too far, or got too close. Though I don't regret any of it, I did send her a package of movies, books, and Pocky in the summer, and again for Christmas. And yes, I did stay up to very late hours chatting with her (she often remarked about hearing the birds outside). Out of all of them, though, I think my phone call was probably the worst of it . . . as enjoyable as that hour we actually got to speak was, I feel as though if I knew how much trouble that call would have gotten her, I probably never would have done it . . .

I can't blame Shanny's husband for his feelings, despite everything. I doubt I will ever be able to apologise to him for what had happened, or tell him that I never meant to hurt their marriage in any way . . . . . but, what had happened happened . . . and out of a discussed compromise, Shanny and I were to no longer speak with each other . . . . . if you recall the month when Shanny was moving and wasn't posting, this was around that time when this happened . . .


It's probably only me who takes that whole bit of history into consideration when I tell the rest of this - I really can't say how much of this actually applies to the rest of the story at hand. Still, as hard as that incident was for the both of us, I still felt confident that we would one day get to speak with each other again - I had hope for the future. And, well, for a time it looked like maybe we would be okay for the time being . . .

. . . Shanny was a notoriously tricky girl when it came to showing her "real" feelings to the public, though . . . . .

All through February, Shanny was constantly sad, as was I. Unfortunately, unlike me, this sadness was the only thing truly affecting my life: she still had her stressful work life, her unpeaceful family life, and throughout all of that, there was also her illness. In early March, she also suffered an extremely frightening event at work when she zoned out and completely lost account of her past ten minutes or so. She told me about it in a PM, and about how scared it made her feel considering what Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension can do to people . . .


. . . . . a few days later, she had a conversation with someone. Who it was, I'm not sure, but the end result of it . . . well, this is how she put it:

What a difference one conversation can make. I think I've finally come to a conclusion. The work, stress, relationships, health, it's all not worth it anymore. For the first time in two years, I am finally going to put my Bio knowledge to use. Maybe not for what others see as productive, but meh. Its not like it matters, right?


Two days later . . . . . last Wednesday morning . . . I woke up and found one last private message in my myO Backroom. She told me her coherency was waning, and that she wanted to say some final things before losing consciousness. She mentioned that while she thought she'd be highly emotional, she was actually quite calm and peaceful. She even wondered if she would get to see the sunrise one last time . . . her last request to me was to not call her should she fail, as it would make things harder for her than it should have to . . . . .

. . . and with that, she told me to keep growing into my own, said "I love you" one last time, and said goodbye.



I've spent the past week with this on my mind. There is definitely a chance that maybe her husband did wake up and find her before it was too late or something. Either way, I doubt going onto the internet to tell us that she was stopped would exactly be the first thing someone in her position would do. And yeah, I do want to keep faith . . . . . but I have this feeling in my heart. I just really can't say I'm comfortably knowing that she's still alive and just cut off from us for a while. But yeah, who knows, maybe some time down the road we'll all get a surprise post from "Dark Phoenix" saying hello and asking how we've been . . . until then, though, I think I need to tell you what the other possibility might be. I spent a week deciding whether I needed to say this or not, and after a while, well . . . yeah . . . . .

* * * * * *

Shanny never did get around to sending me a "good" picture of her. But despite that, I know she was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever known. Despite the sorrow she kept within her, she shone like no star ever could. Though her illness kept her from graduating with her Biology degree, she was easily smarter than more people I ever knew. She loved listening to Johnny Cash, Amy Lee and Yoko Kanno, and was not above loving "bad" movies (something I endeared greatly in her). She enjoyed fantasy to the point that she once dressed up as a Drow Elf for Halloween, which was her favourite holiday. Her favourite video games were Neverwinter Nights and Final Fantasy VII - I have a feeling that it was through her influence that I came to like Aeris a lot more than I used to. In terms of anime, anyone named "Haku" was someone to love for her, along with her definite love of yaoi (I had actually told her that I'd watch "Gravitation" if she'd watch it with me). I'm glad I got to introduce her to Bittorrent, GTO, and Ranma, as she found enjoyment out of all of those to no end. I don't know how this happened, but by some chance I shared the same birthday of a very close friend whom she lost some years prior - as our birthday neared, she got sadder . . . and I tried to make up for it as best I could, which I hope helped at least a little. Heh . . . she was also a bit of an open pervert in her own way. Seriously, she had this way of just getting "dirty enough" to get a rise out of anyone paying enough attention . . . . . I really do think I could probably go on all night about all the things that made her wonderful . . . but I'll just say one more . . . . .

Even at the expense of her own well-being, she was willing to give everything she had to help and protect her friends, especially around here with particular myO members who simply could not just leave people alone . . . . . well, I seriously hope those fuckers are doing well now, because not only is Shanny gone, but so are many of the people she tried so hard to help around here. And yet the fuckers still remain. She was quite willing to go any length, even if it meant her own deletion and banning - something I feared more than anything. Well, she never got banned . . . but neither did the fuckers who could not just keep to themselves . . .


In the end, I guess I'm just most sad because I lost the last few months, and didn't get to chat with her during that time. Because of that, well . . . . . . I wasn't able to save her this time. I know I can't blame myself for that, but still . . . I missed her so much during that time . . . . . it's funny, though. I promised her many things over the years: that I'd never leave her, that one day I'd make sure she could come see Vancouver . . . and that one day I would make life enjoyable for her once again. I guess I probably don't have to keep a tab on those so much now, but I can still promise that I will never forget her.


As I get to this point, it's 1:40am, and I have class in the morning. Heh . . . well, I lost sleep to talk with her before, I guess it's fitting that I can do it one last time for her sake . . .

Everyone, Dark Phoenix . . . Shanny . . . Kim' . . . . . is someone you must never forget. She deserves that much after all she went through.


And to Kim' . . . . . I guess all I can say is . . . . . despite everything, thank you. I know that I've grown into a better man for having met you. G'night, rest well, and take care of yourself, love . . . . .
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