Saturday, April 3, 2004

   James of Vancouver's Account of The Penance of SomeGuy
1. Though I am far from qualified to write this account, I feel it is in the best interests that the world not lose what had happened that day in the 2004th year of our lord. Indeed, I risk much in my efforts to observe and record these events, as some people involved had wished to account me as related to the events herein. Though I may be lost as well by those wishing for vengeance, I shall still hold to my beliefs and trust in him who is above to protect me. Thus, I shall tell you of the great evil that had arisen to a small community and of the man once reknowned for his grace and piety, but was instead pulled down to the likes of the wicked and disdainful.

2. SomeGuy of myOtaku came into the light of the world, bringing almost divine knowledge to others and holding his place justly. He taught others of the ways of his native land and excelled in his desire to better the lives of those around him. His desire to help others would often even come at the expense of his own body, and he braved all nature of fatigue, mentally and physically, to right the wrongs of the material earth. In the end was his eternal promise that he would never leave, just as the ships on which he came to the world would never leave.

3. Then came a fateful night spawned from the old New Year's date which was cast away by our ever pious Pope Gregory centuries prior. Tainted by the influences of the sights and sounds surrounding his being like Lucifer, the once noble SomeGuy fell to the lower masses and plotted and conspired against his fellow men and women. Thus, he planned a great trick that would surely strike dissent and ill will throughout the masses. Possessed by the devil, SomeGuy wrote lies of great magnitude, hiding away while those around him thought he was going away forever. In this way his ploy succeeded, though such a ploy can never be praised all too highly.

4. Though he believed his game to be all in good fun and acted of it in a very lighthearted manner, such was not the case. For greater powers chose this moment to truly test SomeGuy, and he was struck deaf and mute for a night. In rendering his ability to communicate with others, the weight of his previous words could only gather heavier, and the innocents affected by this most heinous prank felt great pain and suffering for this.

5. And just as the Franks withered away from hunger outside the gates of Antioch because of their sinful nature, so too did SomeGuy wither away from within. For the next day, after being japed on himself by those with even greater power than he as he made his way to the university, he had a vision. And Adam himself, the creator of the world, came to SomeGuy and warned him to distance himself from his current path, lest the void swallow him like an inescapable tunnel of wind. At once, as if jolted by a pitfall in the road, SomeGuy came to and realised the sinful manner in which he conducted himself.

6. "Oh woe!" he cried out, throwing his arms up to the heavens, "how could I have forsaken everyone I have come to love like that? What manner of evil took up my being and compelled me to hurt others in such a way? True, the way which is taught is one of forgiveness, but for now I can see no possible way to repent save by confessing with my body and mind. Perhaps some day others may come to accept that as well. Oh, those whom I have hurt, the pains from within me which I feel shall never be matched by any form of punishment you may inflict upon me!"

7. And so SomeGuy sought out the crowd hunting for his blood. Sure enough, the divine hand led them to each other, and SomeGuy, mindful of all he had done, dropped to his knees with his arms outstretched. The mob quickly took him, bound his passive hands, and carried him to the center of the community.

8. It was there that all those gathered exacted their vengeance towards the repentant SomeGuy who stood at the center of it all. The first to exact her revenge was 'Beck of the South. As the mass of people began a steady chant of "bastard", 'Beck approached the bound man. As if he was a brother that had betrayed her, she looked into his eyes, allowing her hatred to seethe into him sharply. Immediately afterwards, with a great shout, she lunged forward, threw her arms around the offending person, and squeezed her hands together with all the might of the heavens above. As if boulders had crashed together, the sound of the inner body of SomeGuy could be heard crumbling from within. After Beck of the South felt satisfied, she released her grasp and returned to the chanting crowd. SomeGuy, while hurt, remained standing, eyes focused on the course of his redemption.

9. As Beck stepped back, two new people stepped forth. One, Mole of the Flatlands, came from behind SomeGuy and forced him prone on his back and proceeded to pin his arms and legs down. The other, Shandrial of the North, knelt down beside his head. For she had been wounded far greater than any other could have possibly been, and the heavens had indeed deemed it necessary for Shandrial to rectify this great evil and set balance to the world again.

10. Though his wounds were clearly visible through the cloth on his being, SomeGuy miraculously ignored the pain and looked up at she who was kneeling above. He looked at her spiritually scarred face and nodded for her to proceed. For he knew that no matter how he might be reborn after his trials, he will forever know that he had truly concerned her in a way never meant to be. With that, Mole of the Flatlands secured the final holdings and Shandrial extended her finger towards SomeGuy's forehead. Like a righteous hammer, Shandrial dealt justice out and into the man's head, over and over again. And though the form of punishment was tailored specifically to deal with those who would resist the purifying effects of the divine hammer, SomeGuy remained still, and took each blow in stride.

11. For a day and a night, the same amount of time in which those who had been wronged had to endure, the penance continued. By now, a great fire had shown itself on the forehead of SomeGuy, who remained awake and attentive throughout the ordeal. And though deep inside she may have felt that her personal satisfaction had not been made, a higher power instructed her to desist, for the penance had been made and to go any further would be evil in itself. And so, SomeGuy was released. He rose like some new Constantine from the waters, and all present knew that the ills of the previous nights had now been expunged. And let it be known that the heavens rejoiced, for one of their own had been returned to the flock. Though the lesson remained that even one who seems good at heart can be tainted by less than virtuous behaviour. And may that lesson continue to spread through the word and through the voice.


(I've been reading too many Middle Ages primary sources . . . . . but in any case, to hit the point home, it's gonna take a HELL of a lot to get me away from you all! No, you're gonna be stuck with me, for better or worse. As such, I apologize PROFUSELY to anyone whom had to worry about anything in regards to my silly little gag from the other day, and I hope that all can be made better as we continue on our way. So yes. May we all return to our regularly scheduled lives now, methinks.)
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