Saturday, August 19, 2006

   The following post contains excessive coarse language and is not suitable for all ages. Viewer discretion is advised...
[samjackson]


("Yeah, all y'all need to see my new movie...")


Holy fucking hell! I have never had so much fucking fun at the fucking theater in such a long fucking time! I mean, everywhere I went there were all these sorry little motherfuckers at work, online, all over the fucking place talking about how fucking bad this movie looked. I gotta tell ya, this movie fucking rocked so fucking hard! The whole fucking movie was about snakes on a motherfucking plane and it was the craziest, most utterly happiness-inducing motherfucking party at the movies I've ever been to!

I dunno if I've ever mentioned how much fucking fun I had watching fucking "Attack of the Clones" opening night. When Yoda and Count Dooku started doing their crazy shit near the end, the audience was going fucking ballistic. Imagine that kind of fucking geekery but times ten. This is the kind of fucking fun I'm fucking talking about.


Ahright, so you already know you've got Samuel fucking L. Jackson quarterbacking this whole fucking thing. He's the smoothest, suavest motherfucker on the planet right now, you know he's gonna be good. Right off the bat, his very first fucking introduction, he fucking changes history. Y'know that line from The Terminator movies, "Come with me if you want to live"? Motherfucking Jackson ups the ante with "Do as I say, and you'll live." Twenty fucking years of movie quoting, and the motherfucker blows that shit away in one fucking line.


And that's not even the important fucking line of the whole fucking movie! But we'll get to that fucker later . . .

The real fucking surprise here, is that the fucking movie fucks with every fucking prediction you could have ever fucking fucked around with. Some of the people you think are sure goners fucking survive, and some whom you think are safe fucking get bitten and swollen and gross and shit. The movie fucks with your expectations the whole fucking time! It's fucking refreshing, I'll say that.

Anyways, let's really dig into this fucker; it's called Motherfucking Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane for a reason, let's talk about some motherfucking snakes!

I don't think I have ever been as fucking entertained watching those slithering fuckers fuck up so many poor fuckers before. There's a lot of random fuck ups here and there (including some hot nameless girls that just don't make it), but the really important ones are just so fucking brilliant you almost want to fucking cry. [CONSIDER THIS A VERY MINUTE FUCKING SPOILER FOR THE FUCKING PURISTS OUT THERE] By now we've all heard about the fucking young couple . . . well . . . fucking in the airplane bathroom. You know they're fucked long before the snake comes down to fucking kill them . . . and believe me, gratuitous movie nudity was never made so . . . important, before. Basically, you show a fucking boob, you better let a fucking snake do something to that fucking boob. Sammy spilled that one in an interview first, so I hope that didn't fucking ruin too much. [THE FUCKING SPOILERETTE IS OVER. GET BACK TO THE FUCKING REVIEW!] This, of course, doesn't even get into the other poor motherfucker in the other fucking bathroom . . .

As more and more poor fuckers get bitten, gurgle, swell up and fucking drop dead, some others keep on going . . . . . believe me when I fucking tell you that it is some kind of fucking miracle that you seriously fucking care about these motherfuckers! These are all fucking two-dimensional characters, but they do do their fucking stuff to a tee and really make their fucking presence known in the fucking omvie! These motherfuckers aren't just fucking snake food, they're fucking people! And you fucking worry about them because they're actually pretty fucking interesting!

And when all these motherfuckers start fighting some motherfucking snakes, well . . . it's gonna be hard not to hear someone cheer when the fucking kickboxer hits his fucking kickboxer moves to be a hero, when the fucking stewardess starts making some fucking improvised weapons, and when Samuel fucking L. Jackson fucking shoots a fucking snake with a motherfucking speargun . . . . . it's fucking fun. Seriously fuh-king fun.


I mean fucking fun when the fucking audience is cheering and clapping and laughing for every fucking crazy scene or death; when video games suddenly become very fucking important to the fucking storyline; when the shit really hits the fucking fan and everyone fucking gets really fucking serious . . . there's some fucking good drama in here too! But it's all so much fun - I don't think my fucking smile ever left my fucking face, I was having so much fucking fun it wasn't even fucking funny.

And then of course Samuel fucking L. Jackson gets up and fucking says it. It's late into the movie, he's fucking tired, everyone's fucking tired, and he's fucking had it.
"Enough is enough!" he fucking shouts. That's when the rest of the fucking theater started reciting along with the crazy motherfucker:

"I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!"

The fucking energy that was fucking released at that point . . . . sends fucking chills down my spine just fucking thinking about it.


This is a fucking movie about fucking snakes on a fucking plane. This ain't no fucking masterpiece and it doesn't pretend to be. It's a fucking ridiculous story, and even more fucking ridiculous fucking idea, and it exists in its own motherfucking dream world. But y'know what? When you dream, you fucking know the rules to your fucking dream world and you play by those fucking rules. And when everyone on both sides of the fucking movie screen follows the rules, you can make some fucking magic.

I'm fucking begging you all. See this fucking movie. See it with all your fucking friends, and see it in a big fucking theater jam packed with as many other fucking people as possible. This isn't a movie experience, it's a fucking THEATER experience . . . it's a fucking party experience! By the time the fucking credits roll (to a neat little fucking music video, might I add), all 'yall are gonna be fucking happy that you went out. I fucking guarantee it.

[/samjackson]


Anime Evolution starts today. I'll try to get some pictures for ya.
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