Saturday, September 22, 2007

Dear Lynnsey,
I'm almost positive that you are the only person who reads this. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in so long. It's just that I've read how you've been feeling and I don't know what to say. I'm feeling very detached lately, from everyone. I'm putting on a front, you know, and it's eating away at me because I hardly ever get to be around someone who I can be myself around. I hardly speak to my mom, and my father is gone mostly with work. You know that I can't be myself around anyone but you, actually. I miss how open our relationship was. I miss you terribly. I think about you everyday, and usually more than once. But how can I justify telling you that? What good can come of it? None, I'm sure. I don't know where my life is going. I have honestly no idea if I'm brave enough to try to move out soon after becoming eighteen. That was our plan, wasn't it? Well, I'm a fucking pussy and I'm extremely dependant on my mother and father. And I can't be with you while I'm in this house. Much less while you're supposedly engaged. What then is the answer for us? If we are both sad, and crave each other's company and warmth? I don't know. I just don't know.

If I Have a soulmate in this world, I have no doubt in my mind that it could be you. You embody everything in a woman that I find desirable and attractive. You're personality is so warm and kind. I love your sheepish side, and your extremely sexy kitten side. You were so good too me. So flattering and considerate. You were protective. I felt safe, content. You are so sweet and erotic. And you enjoy so many of the same things I enjoy. Things I was embarrassed of I could openly talk about with you, because you are the most understanding and open minded person I've ever met. And you're so beautiful. Sometimes I'd find myself just watching you, admiring tiny, beautiful features in your face or swooning over your figure that I wanted to do so many different things to.

I've been remembering what we had in the short time when we were the closest. It's almost fall now. I remember when it was chilly outside and you let me wear your jacket. I remember how I would hug you as I left, and I wanted to kiss you so badly. But those embraces we shared we more than normal hugs, and we both knew it. They were special. I remember sitting in time for time with you, ha. And I remember making you laugh, god, your laugh always made me so fucking happy.
But I have to keep telling myself that it was good while it lasted, and that I did the right thing. It hurt me to be with you, because I was being deceitful. But it has hurt me so much more to go without you.

Be happy with Andrew. He's a NICE guy who actually CARES. And guys like that seem to be one in a million these days. Hold on to him, and don't let what has happened between us hurt the extremely healthy relationship you have now.

I'll always love you. And you will always remain in my heart as the first person I ever fell deeply, crazily, head-over-heels, in love with.

Love,
Stephanie
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