Wednesday, June 29, 2005

   [\\:What the. . . and unhappiness?:\\]

[Playlist and Snippet] do you wanna get out, do you wanna give in, do you wanna be contained, do you wanna be restrained, do you wanna be enforced by the laws that are made, do you wanna be deprived, do you wanna be advised, do you wanna be controlled, wanna be patrolled, do you wanna be designed to accept all the time, do you wanna be bored, or do you wanna be broke, do you wanna be conned, do you wanna be robbed, do you wanna have to beg for the price of a smoke. do you wanna go round and around, and around and around, do you wanna go round and around and around, until you can't get out of the ground. stop are you ready or not, are you ready to drop, are you ready or not, are you ready, stop are you ready or not, are you ready to drop are you ready or not are you ready do you wanna get ill, do you wanna get old, do you wanna be insane, do you wanna live in pain, do you wanna have to save for your funeral coat, do you want a quiet life, do you want to pretend, do you wanna get by, do you wanna be blind, do you want to have removed from your view what offends. - "Ready or Not" - Manbreak - Mortal Kombat: Deception OST - Lameo movie, but awesome song (at least the Ben Grosse mix is) [One subtitle today, guys. . . .] Well, this isn't good at all. Today, after a pretty good day/night hanging out with my best friend (and older caucasian brother I never had LOL. . .but only by 8 months,) I come back this morning, at 8:30am, only to find that Con's account isn't on my buddy list. At FIRST, I thought she took me off for one reason or another (I'll get to that in a second,) so I was going to PM her and try to talk about it. I tried going to her profile manually, but it says that its not available. . . .NOW I'm worried as all h*ll. Now. . . . . . . . . . . I have a feeling that it has to do with my removing, editing of some posts. From what I've gathered, she made a comment (not to me, though) at 7:40pm yesterday, which tells me that she'd had to have logged on and looked at my posts, THEN have some sort of reaction to it, because she'd have still left me a message or something if it were otherwise. I did remove one post, and edit a couple of other previous ones for two reasons: ONE. I really don't care what Con told me about her reasons for freaking out at my idea about visiting her, it seemed more to being a negative response and not exactly what she made it seem to be, so I removed more obvious traces about me going to meet her (or other obvious comments that would probably bother her) so she wouldn't have to see them when she'd read my posts, and be so bothered by them. TWO. I cherish most things that trigger my neurons to fire and remember positive things, and I'm a sucker for sentimental value over monetary value. Combine that with a good memory, and at (some of my) worst times reading good things can be the biggest morale booster, while reading bad things can cause me to remember the negative situations, and push me further down the spiral of depression. At the moment, I am at a point in my life (which is slowly improving, but you know what they say, one step forward, two steps back) where any negativity is the worst negativity, and I don't really need to scroll down and see those posts myself, so in hand w/ the fact that I don't want it on Con's mind while we talk, and ruin an otherwise good conversation, I removed/edit some posts that contained similar information. (I told Con that I would never do that, but the temptation's way too great.) So there's my reasons as to why I did it. Do you blame me? Darren's noticed that I haven't been the happiest person in the universe, so he asked me why. I told him pretty much everything that's been going on, but not in great detail, because I don't want to ruin his stay here, and I know when he comes home for good in a few months, things will be better, so I'll talk about it then. . . . .so about yesterday. . . .wasn't very cool. I left work pissed, and I think I arrived agitated. EVERYONE knew it; Danielle stayed with me most of the workday, saying positive things, Sallie gave me a hug and a kiss in the middle of the day, and Sharhonda told me that she was glad that we were friends again, and overjoyed that this time, she's not the reason for my agitation, which in the midst of all of this negativity, I think's REALLY FUNNY LOL!! I usually goto work and expect to be happy, or at least leave happy, like I normally do. Because we work so hard there (at the racetrack that is, not casino, speaking of which, I saw the manager of the buffet behind me in her vehicle on my way here this morning. . . .she recognized me quick and honked her horn which I think is amazing because she was behind me the whole time. .,) I feel accomplished at the end of every workday, like I have a purpose, like I did something in life, and I get to do it again the next day. Yesterday, was different. Rae and Chris have been at each other's throats since idk when . . . . , but I'M CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE! Sometimes (SOMETIMES) I wish people would understand just how hard it is to be me. I know the people at work, for example, think its just peachy, because everyone likes me, never EVER scolds me, and gives me my own set of perks and privilages. What they don't understand is that I work to please three (sometimes four if the director of racing is around) people directly. They have it pretty freakin easy: Listen to Rae, but if Chris says to do something, do that instead. If Mr. Fred says to do something, just laugh at him and ask Rae if its ok to do it. If Mr. Yount says to do something, do it and do it quickly and the best way it can be done LOL. I, on the other hand, do what I can to make ALL OF THEM happy. I try to fuse their ideas together, and try to come up w/ a compromise, and if that doesn't work, I follow the instructions of the person who gave me some last (like in the military.) But I'm getting off topic here. . . . with Rae and Chris mad at each other (why are disputes between women always worse than disputes between men?,) I can't do anything w/ one w/o the other one asking me what they said or getting mad at me. . . .well now that I think about it, only RAE gets mad at me. Christine doesn't get upset (at least she doesn't show it) when I eat w/ Rae, and she's alot more understanding about the situation. Also, when Rae talks to me about Christine, she makes her seem like some mad crazy tyrant, while Chris makes Rae out to be someone who's carefree, happy go lucky, and is prone to making bad decisions. (Not to be off topic again, but if you ask Mr. Fred about ANYONE who works with us, he'll just say, "piece a' sh*t. . ." lol) I guess its more Rae than Chris. . . .and both sides doesn't tell me everything. For example, Rae told me about how Christine threw her out of her office, and is making her work upstairs, and wants her to remove her desk BUT. . . .Rae never told me that she snuck that desk into her office while she was on vacation w/o her knowing about it. She and her husband even had dinner at Christine's house, and never mentioned the desk. I don't think that was very nice, because I believed that she knew about it, and just out of the fact that theyre mad at each other, threw her desk out. . .just to be ugly . . . This is all too much, and I'm not saying that I'd believe Chris over Rae, but Chris had a really believeable story THIS TIME. . . .I'm not really happy w/ the both of them (or that Rae called me a traitor when I went to meet Chris because she was sitting all alone, while Rae had 4 other people besides myself. . . and I KNOW she meant it. . .) If they keep being negative, I just may move back into the buffet. It's like I left the heat, and jump into the frying pan in that clubhouse. . .and right now is a terrible time to deal w/ that sh*t. . . . **NOTE: The only person who works w/ us who reads my blogs is Rae's daughter, so its not like anyone who works w/ us can spread mess**

Comments (1)