Friday, May 27, 2005

   Ok, now that I'm a LITTLE calmer...
Anyway, that little outburst from last night was in response to my poor Chels~chan (AKA my bestest buddy CERM) getting stabbed in the back by a few of her "friends". AND DAMNIT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF THIS STARTS A FLAME WAR! NO ONE HURTS MY FRIENDS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! So yes, I am pissed, and being defensive and protective. But it's who I am!

I really don't know the whole situation, but I do know how hurt my luffer was, and how much she still must be hurting. (You can't tell from her last post, so don't give me some bullshit about the two of us lying.) Now, a shameless shoutout:

CHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I LUFFERS YOU SO MUCH, DON'T FORGET THAT! I'M HERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT, AND HELL AND HEAVEN BOTH HELP WHOEVER DECIDES TO HURT YOU EVER AGAIN! And look, my shoutout sounds lesbian too! XDDDD So yesh, my luffer, I'll commit adultery with you!!!

Really, Hell and Heaven both help whoever crosses my path the wrong way. As they say, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scored"...

And I'm 100% female, BITCHES! ^________^
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   "Honey, that pitchfork ain't for roastin' marshmallows..."
*fumes* ...

... *FUMES* ...

... ... *fUmEs* ... ...

*deep breath*

THOSE GODDAMN SONSOFBITCHES! I FUCKING SWEAR!

More later folks, I need to sleep now.
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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

   Holy freakin' nut-bunnies, Batman!
Whoa, I feel really giddy now. I was looking through a few old yearbooks from middle and elementary school just now. And not only do I find out that a ton of my crazy, adorable, drama geek friends went to middle school with me, but our current male comedy legend when to elementary with me! I was like...

...HOLY. SHIT. 0_______0

That's totally insane. I didn't even know these people back then, let alone care that someday I'd be sharing a stage with them. And now, here I am, watching them go off and become super-stars!

In other happenings today...I learned that A) Security doesn't care if you ditch on the last week of school; and B) the funniest freakin' thing ever is to watch a group of band/drama geeks sing, and dance The Timewarp. and The Macarena.

That folks, is probably the BEST entertainment ever.

Besides watching nasty, red-headed bitches fall off tables during a school musical.

So much love I make Cupid cry in SHAME:

-Sparky~chan
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

   And as the night comes closer...
Dudes...I can't believe it! I survived Fresh-Fish year! (Yes, I refer to Freshmen as Fresh-Fish. Even myself.) Not without some pain though, which not all of it was worth it, but my year was the best I've had in a while. Technically, school was out today. But I'm going tomorrow to fix my schedule for next semester, to pick up a videotape from my crazy Drama teach, and then I'm going to ditch and go to my old middle school to visit a couple of teachers and some younger friends. And then I'm probably gonna just hang around on Wednesday, then graduation is on Thursday, then who the hell knows what Friday brings!

I've got a busy summer coming up; namely, driving school. If i'm lucky, I'll be on the streets by the time school starts up again. Plus, I've got a family vacation in late June, to.....

*pauses*

.........

*deep breath*

.........

DISNEYLAND, HOMFG!!!!!!

Yes, I'm excited. ^______^

I need to write back to my Chels~chan! I got a few new pics for her; I wish I could put up my semi-EGL-ness one up here, but it don't work like that. And besides, I look so young...and it looks kind of pornographic, in a non-pornographic way. 0o Yeah, i don't get that either.

Anyway, it's late. I need to go to SLEEP, so I can wake up on time tomorrow! I need energy to go ditching. Ok, not really. But I am tired.

So much love I make Cupid cry in SHAME:

-Sparky~chan
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Friday, May 20, 2005

   *deep breath*
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYY ........... HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

.....

.....

.....

.....

Folks, I made Advanced Performance. and I got a Billy Joel CD.

Sweet.
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Monday, May 16, 2005

   "Trying to break you, trying to bring you down..."
Ugh. I seriously, fucking hate life right now. People are being Grade-A assholes, and I'm just sick of it. But more importantly, I'm sick of feeling weak and broken down by my own hands. I try not to let what others are saying enter my heart and decay it more, but instead of stopping it, I encourage it. And I have no one at the ready for me to talk about it with. I know I'm really fucked up in the head, and yet I don't feel anything but guilt and hatred at being that way. And acceptance, since I know I'm going to just have to live with my self-loathing and non-existant self-esteem.

People really don't make me feel better either. My friends know I'm depressive and often suicidal and self-mutilating, and yet they dig the blade in deeper. Reminds me of that line from that Billy Joel song, "Always a Woman":

"She'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding..."

I guess the source of this (for the moment, at least), is my anxiety at auditions for the school's advanced drama program. I'm constantly switching between wanting nothing more than to audtion, and then feeling like it's worth nothing and I'm not even derserving of an audition. And it hurts like hell. I hate being so insecure, and having no self-worth. But no one sees the problems but me; and I'm getting tired of it being that way. I've delt with hiding my severe depression for almost 5 years now; it's only getting worse as time goes on. But I have no one to turn to...no one gets what exactly is going through my mind.

Auditions are on Wednesday. If I can make it until 1:00pm then (right after my scheduled time), it'll be just one more bridge I've manged to cross without burning. But I can't make any promises that afterwards I'll be fine. My depression will probably be 10 times worse and I'll lay in bed and cry, feeling like the world's biggest idiot. But it's a daily routine now, doing that or something similar. It just hurts, to know that I'm slowly killing myself and taking away every bit of my humanity.

And that barely anyone notices, and barely anyone has tried to stop me.
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Friday, April 22, 2005

   A Fabulous Day!!!!
Ah, today was wonderful. A lot of driving around, but wonderful nonetheless. 7 hours with THE GUY. From 1pm, 'till now, 7pm. Granted we had his friend with him, but for once, I was able to do something with a guy I liked WITHOUT my own friends backing me up.

For the first time in forever, I feel really, truly happy. Like, that blissful, grin-like-an-idiot feeling. And the best part? Now that I know I can pull this off, it could be happening more often. More often = more time with THE GUY = more chances that romance could sprout = a very, very happy me.

But, all-in-all, today was great. And tomorrow I'll be spending another 6 hours with him, at musical rehersal. ^^ Is it to early to say I think I'm in serious like?

So much love I make Cupid cry in SHAME!:

-Sparx

PS- Next time, remind me to wear cooler clothes; it's efffing hot here! Oh, and try to get just time with THE GUY; more oppertunties when we're alone!
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Thursday, April 21, 2005

   *smiles*
W00tness for today! Y'remember that guy i was talking about? Yeah, well, i might be spending a good chunk of my day with him tomorrow.

So yeah, today was good. AND I GOT TO HOLD HIS HAND! He was giving me a hand-shake-thingy (y'know, when you slide hands across each other, and then slam your fists together?), but he stayed holding on to my hand for a bit longer than need be. ^^ He has nice hands...

I'll update tomorrow with how anything went.
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

   Why do I feel so confused? Why do I not know what is wrong or right?
It's the truth!

I've been having mad moodswings lately- I think it's PMS and stress. Right now I should be working on Algebra homework, but I'm too preoccupied.

Seeing as no one here should know me IRL, I'll explain the situation:

I've always had BAD luck with guys. I haven't had one guy yet that hasn't broken my heart; and these weren't even boyfriends. I haven't had a boyfriend, let alone a "first kiss". But I have fallen for guys, the last three or so times extremely hard. Last two guys I fell for were the worse: one of them proceded to call me an "ugly bitch" behind my back, while the other just lead me on for months, knowing I liked him, before letting me find out from friends that he was gay. oh, and another basically threw himself in my face, and then disappeared completely when I said "no", even though I still liked him. (Complicated story.)

So yeah. Never had much luck in the romance department.

But now I think I'm falling again for this guy, a friend of mine I guess you could say. I had the world's biggest crush on him when I was 9 (puppy love! *angstangstangst*), but it was more of a cutsey thing. Now though...

He's a year older than me, good-looking, nearly a foot taller, and actually has morals. But, I dunno...it's hard for me to get close to him, and I don't know a way to ask for help without blowing my cover. I'm so...yeah.

It sucks, y'know? Having a crush. Especially one that I fell for SO hard back-in-the-day.
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Saturday, April 9, 2005

   *finishes off 5th cinnamon-flavored honeystick*
Yum...I love these things, so good. I think I've had four-too-many though, but it's okay. *nods*

I finally have an avatar! Granted it's horribly done (ten minutes, tops), but I still like it. The line in it is from a monologue in Floyd Dell's play "Enigma". I'm thinking of using that monologue for an audition (my school's advanced drama program; much better chances of getting leads in school plays/musicals).

I might use a monologue from "The Phantom of the Opera" though; it's so hard to decide! And I have to choose a song to sing too; that's an even harder descision! I want something to impress everyone, to shock people. But I still want it to be professional. Urgh, makes me so confuzzled...

I'm off to look at fanart now, then to shower and get myself ready for whatever the day holds!

So much love I make Cupid cry in SHAME: -Sparky~chan
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