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AIM
• whiterose539
E-mail
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Birthday
• 1990-07-21
Gender
•
Female
Location
• USA, babeh!
Member Since
• 2005-02-10
Occupation
• Student/Artist/Musician
Real Name
• Chels and Lolly call me Megumi, ^o^
Personal
Achievements
• Nothing much yet, just some stuff for my writing projects.
Anime Fan Since
• Sailor Moon and DBZ first came out on Cartoon Network...I didn't even know what the hell I was watching, just that I loved it.
Favorite Anime
• Yuugiou, InuYasha (DON'T JUDGE ME!), DNAngel, Gravitation, and...stuff. 0__o
Goals
• Nothing ATM o__o
Hobbies
• Writing fanfiction, reading, acting, singing, doodling, DANCING, talking with people, videogames, and other crud.
Talents
• I'm a good writer from what people say, and I'm damn good at stage stuff (including some tech, ^o^).
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Monday, May 16, 2005
"Trying to break you, trying to bring you down..."
Ugh. I seriously, fucking hate life right now. People are being Grade-A assholes, and I'm just sick of it. But more importantly, I'm sick of feeling weak and broken down by my own hands. I try not to let what others are saying enter my heart and decay it more, but instead of stopping it, I encourage it. And I have no one at the ready for me to talk about it with. I know I'm really fucked up in the head, and yet I don't feel anything but guilt and hatred at being that way. And acceptance, since I know I'm going to just have to live with my self-loathing and non-existant self-esteem.
People really don't make me feel better either. My friends know I'm depressive and often suicidal and self-mutilating, and yet they dig the blade in deeper. Reminds me of that line from that Billy Joel song, "Always a Woman":
"She'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding..."
I guess the source of this (for the moment, at least), is my anxiety at auditions for the school's advanced drama program. I'm constantly switching between wanting nothing more than to audtion, and then feeling like it's worth nothing and I'm not even derserving of an audition. And it hurts like hell. I hate being so insecure, and having no self-worth. But no one sees the problems but me; and I'm getting tired of it being that way. I've delt with hiding my severe depression for almost 5 years now; it's only getting worse as time goes on. But I have no one to turn to...no one gets what exactly is going through my mind.
Auditions are on Wednesday. If I can make it until 1:00pm then (right after my scheduled time), it'll be just one more bridge I've manged to cross without burning. But I can't make any promises that afterwards I'll be fine. My depression will probably be 10 times worse and I'll lay in bed and cry, feeling like the world's biggest idiot. But it's a daily routine now, doing that or something similar. It just hurts, to know that I'm slowly killing myself and taking away every bit of my humanity.
And that barely anyone notices, and barely anyone has tried to stop me.
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