Monday, March 27, 2006

   Probably my longest post to date...
And DON'T for a MINUTE think I'm about to do something stupid. 'Cause FUCK THAT, I'm NOT.

I don't know how to begin this. Or even how to end it. Hell, I'm not even sure where I'm going with it. All i really know is everything is suddenly falling apart, and i blame myself. i just hope someday people can forgive me. I hope someday that I can forgive myself.


I'm failing my Pre-AP World History class. To some, it may not sound big. To me...it shouldn't be big. But all my life, I've been raised to believe that nothing but an a is acceptable. Even B's are like a sin to get. Blame my mother, blame me for believing her, it doesn't matter. It just goes to show how worthless I can seem. Thanks to that, I'll probably do myself a favor and do a combination of three things: 1) unplug my computer and move it out of my room; 2) remove my television and stereo; and 3) quit the musical. I just don't care anymore. If I have to punish myself, so be it. I already do it enough mentally, why not start with the physical?

Next. My drama teacher, the damn bastard I can't stand, is quitting at the end of this year. Abandoning us. Just...leaving. To another, richer, private school uptown, in the good part of town. Even though I hate the man...I don't want to work with anyone else. So be it if I quit drama, the only thing I have as my salvation. I've lived before it happened, I'll live again, I guess.


These things may come across as so insignificant, and they may be, but it's just the icing on the cake of six brutal years of my life. And I'm tired of it, sick and fucking tired.


I don't know anymore guys. Just remember, I'm not going to do anything stupid. In fact, I can't do anything like that. I can't bring myself to physically harm my body, because I know you guys are out there. That someone, indeed, loves me, in some way. And that's the best thing in the world to me. But I just don't know what the hell to do. I have such a tiny grasp on reality, and what life holds...I've seriously considered running away. I've considered running away from here, dropping out of school to pick up two or three jobs, pretending I'm 18 or so, and waiting to see how long it takes before something else comes along. I don't think I'd even get that far, but who cares.

I'm sorry guys. I know I shouldn't have let this all out. But I just couldn't take it anymore. I love you all, so much, and I'm sorry for sounding so crazy right now. I really am. I'm just...I don't even know anymore. I'm just done. Done with this part of my life. I can't stand it. And maybe it is time to move on. To just up and leave, even just metaphorically. I just don't know anymore.

I love you guys, so much. You really are the thing that keeps me going at times.


-Megumi~Sparx
Comments (1)