Sunday, September 30, 2007

   I have RETURNED! And I'm here to vent some @_@

I'm getting so irritated with people lately. Not because I have a job and I deal with little kids and such all day. I'm talking about in general with the people close to me. The sheer frustration and utter disappointment that gets thrown at me day after fucking day. The loss of respect for many of those people and the damned idiocy that seeps from their human flesh. The feeling of complete meltdown everyday and not the determination to stop the destruct that burns through my soul. The desire to do anything has completely whithered away and the loss of everything that had once made sense in my life. The fear of everything new and different and this unstable compulsive desire to be loved. The thought of living with my family forever is startling and seemingly more and more my fate. The lack of comfort in my life and the fear that everyday something else will break. God knows it cannot be my heart and hope for those have already fallen into pieces, shattered on the sharp edges of humanity and dusted under the carpet of life. The tears of rage and frustration that often are shed by the weak and hopeless have stained my skin more often than not and the strength to fight them away has been demolished by the crushing reality I have been living. The life I live is not utterly terrible and not nearly as terrible as many in the world have lived but the steady trend of bullshit that has been cascading down upon us has been drowning my only hopes left in this blood-thirsty, power-hungry, damning world. The cradle has fallen; the shit has hit the fan and this is no happy ending to this fairy-tale. One miserable experience after another will rain down upon us all and the small bouts of happiness in between that lead us to believe things will start looking up and the sun will come out are only there so that nature may take its course and crash down on us like a shoe to a spider. The vicious cycle of life that has us all on display that has been ignited into flames and possesses the potential to do great things, will soon be extinguished and put out of its misery. But that will not come soon enough because before then, we must live through the torture of sun rise to sunset, breathing the same air and living in the same faulty 'paradise' until we feel as though we want to explode. Our souls have all been tied to the disgrace of life, shackled and maimed, like puppets on strings. The small hopes we all have in our hearts and minds that keep us going are only false advertisements that are meant to keep us going so that every blood-sucking corporation and multi-million dollar business can scrap every penny we own off our living corpses so they can have their power. The distance that has grown between myself and those I hold dear has been troubling me lately. Life is taking another one of it's cruel turns and tearing apart the only things I still care about and believe in. I always thought the word friend held a special meaning but over time I've come to know that a friend is someone that you know and greet when you see them and maybe get an exchange of 'how are you'. And a best friend is someone that you greet and get an exchange of how are you and maybe a bit more. A best friend you'll know more about their life, background and present and maybe even more, but that doesn't guarantee anything. Best friends can become just friends.. or even less over time if the bond doesn't stay strong. Its a relationship, though different from a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife kind of thing it still needs that bond. If that bond grows weak, then the relationship will fall apart. Even if you think it's still strong, there's always one person of the party that doesn't feel so. Something is missing in my life and I don't know what it is. There is this empty gap in every part of me that I can't place and nothing is quite the right size to fill it. Its like a puzzle or those children's toys with the different shaped blocks. The square will not fit in the circle's place and vise versa. This something has been slowly growing.. This feeling of absence is like a dark abyss. The pieces of my puzzle are getting lost in the house of life and I can't find them again. I'm not exactly sure what the cause of this post was or why it turned out the way it did.. But those of you that actually read this, offer any comments or questions you want..

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

   Hey all

I haven't much to stay today besides, things have been going better. The septic got fixed and the house is normal again. My mom still doesn't like.. hang around but.. I'm okay with that.. Most of the time. I've been feeling much better lately at home. I haven't felt quite as alone. I've been talking to this guy, who's uber nice and awesome. We have a lot in common and we joke a lot. (Not to mention I've been getting out to the house a lot more) That makes stuff a little easier and makes me happy. I just hope I dont screw anything up. Well that's all for now..

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