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Bleh. I'm kind of in a.. not carish-not-unhappy-but-not-pissed-off-mood. I'm sort of calm, but only because I know if I get mad,that'll only make things worse. So here I am.. I'm at school, obviously, sitting here in the library with some people.. We're not talking, the one kid I'm not friends with and don't like, another kid rides my bus, he seems nice, another kid is friends with my friend, he seems funny and then my friend is here.
My one friend.. The one the 'rumor' is about.. hasn't been at school in... like.. six days or something, there was this big long story, and it's just all mixed up. She was ONLINE last NIGHT! u_u Stupid.. Meh. She posted messages at a MSN community and everything! Grr It makes me so mad that she can lie to everyone like that, and BE that WAY. Meh. I'm really really starting to not care anymore, I just want the fucking truth. I HATE being lied to.. I hate feeling used... And more importantly I hate being.. hated.. by anyone.. -Frowns some, shifting.- It's a weakness...that I loathe.. There I go again, getting mad, saying hate.. and actually meaning it. Sometimes I don't know what to do in life. I was thinking of calling my friend and if no one answers, leaving another message on the answering machine. Nobody responded to the last message, so I gave up.. I thought she would come back after the weekend, but that was crap.. I think I will call again.. but what I'll say? I don't know.. I want to tell more people about it.. I've only told three the whole story, but I don't know who I can trust. I don't want people saying anything untill *I* know the truth. But that seems far off in the distance, god, this makes me want to write another poem but I don't have any good ideas.. My creative energy is flowing but I don't know how to channel it into a project.. I get so bored so easily with, well, everything. But I guess that's normal, maybe not though. I feel so blank minded right now, I'm not even looking at the screen while I type this.. I'm staring around the room, looking at, nothing, basically. I wish I could say more. On one part, my life is happy, on another part, it's depressing, on another part, it's evil, mean.. Disruptive. And all the sides seem to be combining together to create one mixed up, crazy me. I kind of want to seek help, if there is any help for me, but I don't like talking to people.. I can barely call my dad to set up times to see him. That's depressing. I can't talk to my friends about things that are wrong. That's disruptive. I can't talk to my mom without sarcasim. That's mean. I can talk to friends that understand me. That's happiness.. And that's not even the half of it.. I got from emotion to emotion so quickly, I Even get confused.. I don't know what to do anymore. The other night when my computer almost died on me, I cried over it.. I really did, I feel asleep listening to my own sobs and I enjoyed it.. I don't know why I felt it, I just did..
Well.. If I have anything else to add, it'll be later in the day. I have to go now, the bell will ring soon. Now that, I've spent the time rambling... |
-Blinks some.-