Monday, February 20, 2006

   When Life Throws You Lemons, Make A Baby Puke On Life
Eh... I feel... betrayed... I just got puked on by a baby... I hate baby puke! Eh!!! That is all...
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Dead Cell
Just thought I'd update... nothing to say once again. For some reason I have lost myself for words and I don't really mind. This weekend I rented three movies, I rented Side FX and Ginger Snaps, and my mother got Half Light which was very stupid. I was surprised that it was a Ginger Snaps I hadn't seen, I believe that I've seen all the Ginger Snaps but I hadn't My mother took back Half Light today and got me Ginger Snaps 2, these movies are awesome, I love them. Anyway I'm done talking.
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Sunday, February 19, 2006

Madness Has The Gift That Has Been Given To Me
Lah lah lah... my god I am so bored. I took the background off my site, I thought it was absolutely ugly. Wow, I'm watching Cold Case and its about this woman who had Bipolar... she doesn't act anything like me... >.> and I was diagnosed the exact same as her, manic depressive... yeah I was labeled that... but she's a lot more craizer than I am >.> hehe.
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Saturday, February 18, 2006

Why Won't You Die, Your Blood And Mine
I think my bitching has finally paid off. Yesterday Kelsey asked me if I wantged to go to a movie. So I went to go see Date Movie with Kelsey, Angela, and Kaitlin. Tessa was there, she's one of my friends too, and she was with her boyfriend and another one of her friends and they sat next to us. My other friend Elizabeth was there with Alison... But they sat somewhere else. We played a bit of DDR, well I didn't but Angela, Kaitlin, and I think Kelsey plaid. I played this zombie game... I got my ass handed to me by a bunch of zombies. The movie itself was good. It was funny... I'm just waiting for some good movies to come out, like that one that comes out on the 6 day of the 6 month of the 6 year. heh heh. Or Silent Hill, I hope they don't fuck that one up like they did with the Resident Evil movies. Well that's all bye.
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Friday, February 17, 2006

Touching You Makes Me Die Inside
Eh, I don't really know what I want to say today. I've basically calmed down from the past two days. I think its the lack of sleep that's been putting me in a pissy mood, It might be also from the lack of being able to mark my skin like I used to. I don't remember the last time I did. But I still don't see the point in stopping. So what, my terapist says too, who cares? Its my body, I can decorate it any way I want to. -sigh- Well I got a new layout... I personally think it sucks beause I just hurried up and made the background banner so its a piece of shit... but its Vermillion so its okay. Well I'm going to go. Bye.
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Thursday, February 16, 2006

This Is The Virus Of Life, This Gets Inside Us, The Crisis, The Knife
Today I stayed home from school. I don't have school tomorrow or Monday. I haven't been feeling good since yesterday. My heart has been hurting me really badly. And I've had this knot in my throat and it was hard for me to breathe. My heart was pounding hard, like I just got done running a mile. Then there is the fact my sleeping hasn't been going well. I keep getting headaches, their getting back to what they use to be. When I'd have a very very bad headache almost everyday. My eyes hurt and I feel as if if I'd cry they might feel better. I'm getting worse and worse everyday. I'm getting back to the feelings of ending my miserable life. I've lived a lie, I've lived in hate, I've lived in pain for too long. My scars will never go away and I have to see them everyday. Covering them with armwarmers or a jacket doesn't do anything, it never does because I know they're there and I can still feel the pain of fresh bleeding cuts being covered by cotton, or being washed off with steaming hot water. I can still smell the blood, I can still taste the blood. It'll never go away, and I ask myself why stop? If it makes me feel better than why stop? To stop something that's addicting you have to want to stop... the thing is, I don't want to stop. I have nothing else except my razor, or my books. I want to be alone forever. I've finally have come to accepting the fact that I will always be ugly, I will always be stupid, I will always be alone. Even if my family is near me I can't help but feel so cold and alone. I just want to sleep all day and all night. I'm cold... My fingers feel like ice... my heart feels heavy. I just want to die... I want to stop feeling so hurt and pained all the time... and like my life I will die cold and alone and bleeding.
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

   Ignorance Is Not Bliss
OMG.. I heard that there is a Korean guy that goes to LC now... I am so mad!! I love asains and now I wish I still went to LC. Which reminds me I finished all of the Kill Me, Kiss Me books. They're extremely good. I am soooo tired... I don't know why... I think the wine made me sleepy.. I mean I did take it with my anti-depressants which also doubles as sleeping pills. ARGH! School is such a drag today.

David came over yesterday, I think I scared him because I was happy and a little hyper. He told me that he was talking to Tyler about me. suppoidly it went like this "You know Amber?" "Yeah... she's weird, she carves whore and bitch into her arm." When he told me that I almost felt like dying. He thinks I'm weird... he doesn't like me at all... So now I have nothing. All my hopes and dreams are down the fucking toilet. When we dropped David off at home I just couldn't get the image out of my head... him saying that I'm weird and he probably told David that he hates me and David just didn't want to tell me that.

When I go home I'm going to sleep... and I hope I don't wake up. Life is just such a bitch that sometimes I wish that I could just sleep until I'm eighteen and then move out and far away. Maybe I'll move to Japan or Korea where I'm probably wanted. And hopefully if I sleep the whole time then my body will eat me alive from the inside out... Then I could die happy in Asia.

Yesterday I took my finger nails and pushed them into my throat. I did it so hard that it was about to bleed, I could feel my pulse beating hard against my fingers. I liked it... I tried to cut my wrist with my nails but it didn't work.

You all probably think that I'm feeling suicidal because Tyler thinks I'm weird. No that's not it. I've just been feeling bad lately and that sort of pushed me over the edge. I just wish you guys would talk to me and ask me to go places with you beause I don't see you guys at school anymore. Do you guys really hate me that much? I thought so. People don't think I'm home when really I'm sitting by the phone and hoping that someone would care enough to call me and ask me if I'd like to do something. But no... No one likes to hang out with a depressed bitch. You all have probably replaced me anyway with someone much cooler and less depressing. For all I know Amanda Burg has taken my spot... because sure as hell she's taken everything else away from me. She didn't even like Tyler from what I could tell just by watching him. She's a fucking golddigger. Because when I was with her all she did was ask him to buy her this this and that. I hope she dies sucking Andrew's cock. Fucking whore bitch!

Now all I have are my books... I know it. I knew it would happen... because none of you liked me in the first place. I dragged all of you down. Yeah I was probably the reason you are all depressed because I am such a depressed fuck who needs to just fuck off and die. I should just stop updating at all its not like any of you even care away... Tyler hates me, I have a headache, none of my friends care that I'm alive, and because I haven't cut myself since before Christmas I'm getting a little bit testy. Why can't everyone just leave me alone with a razor. I'll be fine, I'll be just fucking fine. You know what I am going to try to get suspended... I already have Friday and Monday off thanks to conferences and Presidents day. Why not just beat the shit out of some stupid bitch and get a few extra days. Then I can get what I really want... TO FUCKING SLEEP!
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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

   I'll Wait For You, I Cross My Heart
Argh, I am so bored. I'm in English and we're doing research on sites. Its rather boring. I want to go home so bad. I HATE school with so much passion that my loathing is beginning to make me extremely angry... and that's not a good thing. Everyone is lucky that so far I have been able to keep my anger down for the most part. I mean I haven't hit anyone or... rather... killed anyone. There is this chick on my bus, her name is Briana... And she is SO god damn annoying. I have my MP3 player up all the way and yet I can still hear her voice over the blaring music. The next time I hear her voice I am going to rip out her throat, grab her voice box and smother her with it! I swear I'll do it!!!
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Sunday, January 29, 2006

   I Can't Feel The Way I Did Before
Oh Me Gah... >.> wow that sounded a little prissy... Anyway, so according to Kelsey (from my comment) They did break up... NOW I AM SOOOOO HAPPY. When I read that I almost started jumping... but that would look kind of funny for me to just get up from the computer and begin jumping. Wow... the tarot cards are playing out nicely, Kels... Now all I have to do is wait for him to ask me out. >.> Fucking hell, I don't think that's ever going to happen. Tomorrow I am going to do my little eye thingy because I feel like it. We didn't do SC day... -cries- but its okay we're going to do it next weekend... hopefully.
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Friday, January 27, 2006

I Look Like I'm Dead and Dress Like A Homo... I Must Be Emo.
Herm today is filled with so many different emotions. For one no one has given me a review on my story at fanfiction.net and it makes me a little upset. The thing that makes me happy is that today David told me that Tyler's girlfriend broke up with him. I won't know for sure until later because she's always hanging around him, even now. But if its true and Tyler and Amanda broke up I'm going start to do a little dance and jump up and down like an idiot. Anyway Tomorrow is -hopefully- Anime day! And we're going to watch all the episodes of Samurai Champloo... HELLS YEAH!
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